Ttc And Il's Role

sumalynux · Aug 10, 2017

Hi @Caughtinbetween

I have no clue about ivf in USA. But I did ivf in India and spent around 5lacs.(1 failed ivf, 1 failed fet then successful ivf).

Coming to in-laws n husband make it clear to your husband you are very clear about doing your IVF in USA. Explain though it's costly in USA to do treatment you guys can earn it off in USA. M sure salary wise n saving wise working in USA makes sense.

If possible try to take break from work n do ivf peaceful without physical n mental stress of managing house n office. Many of my friends had to resign n do ivf as it involved lot of days at hospital n also bed rest advised for 2ww and better to take it slow during ivf pregnancy.

PS: my dh relatives used to comment oh you are doing ivf won't it cost too much , pavum your dh has to bare it.( I was open about undergoing treatment n ivf to friends n relatives. For me it was nothing to be ashamed off). So I decided to share cost of treatments , so I will never ever hear from anyone including dh or my parents or his parents even as joke.. We were planning n saving to buy house. Then v decided v will spend for ivf. Luckily I got work from home.. one of my friend worked 1year collected some money then did ivf.. now had twins n returned to new job with 3months kids taken care by mom n nanny..

I feel your dh plan is good try 1st ivf instead of multi package ivf.. Rather take leave or if possible quit job or take break n do. In case you get more eggs in 1st ivf you ca more fet from same cycle..( my ivf yielded eggs for 3 set of egg transfer, 1st transfer failed then fet worked. We stil had egg for 1 more cycle). So 1 itself can give you couple of chance.
I Strongly suggest to take atles 1 month break n do injections, ivf egg retrievals transfer n 2ww all r very important...

Meghaa · Aug 10, 2017

My 2 cents as someone who has tried IVF in both India and US: Yes , you can do 2/3 or even more IVFs in India for the cost of one here. Costwise no Question India wins.
But I can tell you , the challenges of IVF will not only be financial but also emotional/Physical. You will need a lot of privacy and personal space.
It seems like you already have issues on that front - so India might not be a great idea for you.

Also - if you move to India , dont you guys have to find new jobs?

We have had 0% APR credit cards and we plan payments so we will be done by the time the 0% offer expires. This was you can spread it over several months and not be a burden at a time.

Sorry cant help with IVF clinics as I dont live in the east coast

Caughtinbetween · Aug 21, 2017

Hi everyone ,

Happy eclipse viewing to all of you who are / going to be in the path of totality.

Thank you everyone @Meghaa , @sumalynux ,@hjg6578 , @MalStrom for your helpful responses . It sure helps to read and reread everything over and over to get some peace of mind .

Sorry for a long vent that i am posting here . Extremely bad day with same issues happening repeatedly. I know without me changing my ways results cant change. My mind is reeling with anger so thought of coming here to again seek your help. But before I start , let me update on few things that I wanted to tell you. I was thinking till yesterday that after long I have few small positives to tell you but I was wrong. Anyways .

First ,
I got promoted at my job to the next level . Little increase in my salary too . Still no where close to what would be considered decent but more than before . Hopefully in few more months something better might work out too , keeping my fingers crossed .

Second ,
I also started my IVF ...meaning I paid a few thousand dollars for the initial consult for medicines and tests , scans . And will start on the meds probably by this or next cycle . Of course the total cost per cycle is much more and I cant afford complete cycle by myself but I paid 20% on my own , will try to push myself to 50%. I may mot be able to give it to H in bulk but i am planning to give my share in installments every month. I can afford to pay 20% each month at this moment . And later when we get to insurance as and when needed I will be paying half of the premium as this is going to be a very high premium supplemental insurance . But the cycle starts . I am also taking all the medicines of that cocktail and thanks to @MalStrom got the acai berry supplement too .

These were the little updates that I wanted to share with you.

Now the vent .
I am actually feeling a bit better at this point than what I felt when I logged into the website and started typing the post

So the same thing happened again. Ils called father and shouted regarding ttc , all the abuses and if in next month or two nothing happens then they will decide the future . they picked on some small thing from during my call and created an issue and projected to my dad that i was not doing this and that . That i have issues and basically giving ultimatum to my dad.
I tell him not to worry and not to give in to there threats . But still he worries .
Earlier I used to get scared and worried of these threats and ultimatums but this time i am honestly not scared of divorce .But i am worried about how and when I will be able to handle them. Its been close to half a decade now , if at all I would ever be able to stand up .I no longer think about divorce , If it has to happen it will happen anyways . I know I have issues with ttc but i am not the only one , H has issues too and yes he now knows it .
Before ils , H has always projected that he is fine , he needs no treatments , no meds etc . I have never asked H to tell them his issues as even before I can ask him he would say that he does not want to tell them his issues as they will feel more bad and tensed and so on.So think its all me and only me . I agree i have issues but i cant help it . H would basically just keep quiet even if fil asks me about periods and intercourse or ils just shout , abuse or anything . He would just listen but wont say anything . I for my part only talk to them in front of him and never mentions anything about them after the call is done . My mind is fill of anger right now but i think H does not know about this call as they would never tell him.
Do you think I should just keep quiet after going home and never talk anything about it. I feel like volcano inside me but till now i have never told all the things that happened behind him . All these things eat me from inside but i thought there is no point in bringing back the past , whether it happened in front of him or at his back .
Do I do the same today too ? Dont tell anything . Because even I am not worried about ultimatum now . Whatever it is , its fine .

On the other hand , I can tell him everything what they did and said but i also worry about what if these things affect his health more ? He is already on depression meds , what if something bad happens only because I could not control my anger and hurt .
He is also trying to study and so am I . I feel if I tell him these things and rob him of his peace he might hold it inside that he could not study because I did not give him conducive environment .
He is clear that if it comes to investing all his savings for ttc he will not do it and go back to india . I am for now practically putting in all my money down to the penny to ttc . I am no longer sending money to father , he says he can manage for now so dont send .
If were to go to india alone and they expect me to take any treatments there , I have made up my mind that I will not go to doctor for any tests or treatments without him being there , and will not stay at ils place without him for ttc. Only if he comes down too then I will go for the treatments with only him . I know these last few sentences sound as I am being stubborn but I could not think of any other way about it. I would be stay put in a hostel maybe and work . Because living at their place while ttc is a hell. I havent spoken anything about it to H as he has not directly talked to me about it yet.
After typing the complete ramayana i no longer remember the exact questions i wanted to ask you all

I am leaning more towards not telling H anything about it , am I right or wrong ? Do you people suggest otherwise ?
I am also sure of the fact that they also intend to see what fire this causes ? Because if I H , he might not say anything to them at all or <1% chance that he might mention passingly about it . And if I fight with H about this then there intention is served.

As always I am really sorry for the very long post . I really wanted it to be short this time with just the above two updates but then this happened .
Thank you all for your help . I dont have enough words to express my appreciation for all of you.

yellowmango · Aug 22, 2017

Op ,
Don,'t expect any change in him if you continue being the same.
You take disgusting abuse from ils while you let him watch silently wrapped in cotton ( by you).

How can any man let his father talk to his wife like that?
If I were in your place...next time the monsters call,I would tell them to worry more about their son's problems than yours.Tell that husband of yours ,you really don't care about their worries any longer.

Tell him to control them or you will no longer be the only punching bag.
Does he care about your depression?

yellowmango · Aug 22, 2017

Congrats on your promotion.
Stay strong and concentrate on getting better professionally.
You seem to get a little more confident every time you do well at work.
Your work is your biggest hope Op.
Best wishes.

Elsa · Aug 22, 2017

Caughtinbetween said: ↑

Hi everyone ,

Happy eclipse viewing to all of you who are / going to be in the path of totality.

Thank you everyone @Meghaa , @sumalynux ,@hjg6578 , @MalStrom for your helpful responses . It sure helps to read and reread everything over and over to get some peace of mind .

Sorry for a long vent that i am posting here . Extremely bad day with same issues happening repeatedly. I know without me changing my ways results cant change. My mind is reeling with anger so thought of coming here to again seek your help. But before I start , let me update on few things that I wanted to tell you. I was thinking till yesterday that after long I have few small positives to tell you but I was wrong. Anyways .

First ,
I got promoted at my job to the next level . Little increase in my salary too . Still no where close to what would be considered decent but more than before . Hopefully in few more months something better might work out too , keeping my fingers crossed .

Second ,
I also started my IVF ...meaning I paid a few thousand dollars for the initial consult for medicines and tests , scans . And will start on the meds probably by this or next cycle . Of course the total cost per cycle is much more and I cant afford complete cycle by myself but I paid 20% on my own , will try to push myself to 50%. I may mot be able to give it to H in bulk but i am planning to give my share in installments every month. I can afford to pay 20% each month at this moment . And later when we get to insurance as and when needed I will be paying half of the premium as this is going to be a very high premium supplemental insurance . But the cycle starts . I am also taking all the medicines of that cocktail and thanks to @MalStrom got the acai berry supplement too .

These were the little updates that I wanted to share with you.

Now the vent .
I am actually feeling a bit better at this point than what I felt when I logged into the website and started typing the post

So the same thing happened again. Ils called father and shouted regarding ttc , all the abuses and if in next month or two nothing happens then they will decide the future . they picked on some small thing from during my call and created an issue and projected to my dad that i was not doing this and that . That i have issues and basically giving ultimatum to my dad.
I tell him not to worry and not to give in to there threats . But still he worries .
Earlier I used to get scared and worried of these threats and ultimatums but this time i am honestly not scared of divorce .But i am worried about how and when I will be able to handle them. Its been close to half a decade now , if at all I would ever be able to stand up .I no longer think about divorce , If it has to happen it will happen anyways . I know I have issues with ttc but i am not the only one , H has issues too and yes he now knows it .
Before ils , H has always projected that he is fine , he needs no treatments , no meds etc . I have never asked H to tell them his issues as even before I can ask him he would say that he does not want to tell them his issues as they will feel more bad and tensed and so on.So think its all me and only me . I agree i have issues but i cant help it . H would basically just keep quiet even if fil asks me about periods and intercourse or ils just shout , abuse or anything . He would just listen but wont say anything . I for my part only talk to them in front of him and never mentions anything about them after the call is done . My mind is fill of anger right now but i think H does not know about this call as they would never tell him.
Do you think I should just keep quiet after going home and never talk anything about it. I feel like volcano inside me but till now i have never told all the things that happened behind him . All these things eat me from inside but i thought there is no point in bringing back the past , whether it happened in front of him or at his back .
Do I do the same today too ? Dont tell anything . Because even I am not worried about ultimatum now . Whatever it is , its fine .

On the other hand , I can tell him everything what they did and said but i also worry about what if these things affect his health more ? He is already on depression meds , what if something bad happens only because I could not control my anger and hurt .
He is also trying to study and so am I . I feel if I tell him these things and rob him of his peace he might hold it inside that he could not study because I did not give him conducive environment .
He is clear that if it comes to investing all his savings for ttc he will not do it and go back to india . I am for now practically putting in all my money down to the penny to ttc . I am no longer sending money to father , he says he can manage for now so dont send .
If were to go to india alone and they expect me to take any treatments there , I have made up my mind that I will not go to doctor for any tests or treatments without him being there , and will not stay at ils place without him for ttc. Only if he comes down too then I will go for the treatments with only him . I know these last few sentences sound as I am being stubborn but I could not think of any other way about it. I would be stay put in a hostel maybe and work . Because living at their place while ttc is a hell. I havent spoken anything about it to H as he has not directly talked to me about it yet.
After typing the complete ramayana i no longer remember the exact questions i wanted to ask you all

I am leaning more towards not telling H anything about it , am I right or wrong ? Do you people suggest otherwise ?
I am also sure of the fact that they also intend to see what fire this causes ? Because if I H , he might not say anything to them at all or <1% chance that he might mention passingly about it . And if I fight with H about this then there intention is served.

As always I am really sorry for the very long post . I really wanted it to be short this time with just the above two updates but then this happened .
Thank you all for your help . I dont have enough words to express my appreciation for all of you.
Click to expand...

@Caughtinbetween I am so sorry you are having to go through such stressful times. I can only suggest you to relax, block calls from your IL's and let your husband deal with them. Stress doesnt help while TTC. Also, as such, it is extremely difficult to deal with infertility.

Neither you, nor your husband need to explain anyone, who the issue is with unless you want to. Ignore your IL's

Elsa · Aug 22, 2017

Caughtinbetween said: ↑

Thank you so much Elsa for your kind words . Days are just passing by somehow .
What are the supplements that one take to make good quality eggs and increase their count generally .
I am taking everything in ccrm cocktail list and reservatol , prenatal ,inositol, coq , dhea .It comes to about 24-30 pills in a day but not sure if I'm missing anything more . Dr. says it wont make much of a difference but still one can try. leaves me confused. I hope we all get what we seek soon. Thank you very much. Shall come back with more queries as and when things move ahead .
Click to expand...

My doctor has not recommended any supplements other than prenatals. A complete blood test should let your doctor know if you need additional supplements. I have read conflicting reviews about DHEA and COQ10 on the internet. I asked my doctor if I could take them to improve my egg quality, but he said he doesnt not recommend them. He left the decision to me.

Please check with your doctor before starting any new medication if you plan to go for IVF.

MalStrom · Aug 22, 2017

Is this not going to be your husband's child too? Why is he being so calculating about paying for IVF, particularly since some of the issues lie with him? And once the child is here is your husband going to hand you an invoice for formula, food, doctors visits etc?
A decent man would not allow his parents to heap abuse on you and pretend that everything was fine with him and it's just your fault. I dont know what you do with someone like this.

Deborah · Aug 22, 2017

A big hug to you. You are a really strong person.I am going to comment on points coz I tend to forget the main issues too while typing .
Point 1 - you are right about the resolution that if you have to go to India , you won't go without your H .And won't go for tests without him. Stick to that. Don't think about staying in hostel all alone . Just stick to your guns and say that he has to be there too.

Point 2 - whether telling H what conspired recently with ILS or not - go to him and say that you have to talk about something. Say that at the new place where you have recently started the IVF, they made you do a general emotional questionnaire and later your doctor specifically told you that under no circumstances, do you need to be under stress or depression.And how calls and insults from ILs put you under stress.Ask him how would he feel if in your shoes. You are already tensed coz of the whole fertility issues.He will probably ask you to forget the whole issue or that you are over reacting ( been there, done that). Keep calm and don't sound as if you are accusing them.I know this is not a conclusive way but atleast you will have the issue out in the open.

Point 3 - No words for your ILs asking about periods and intercourse . Really cheap and immature people.I wish you could say that it's a personal matter but these people will make make sure you pay for that. Depending upon how your H reacts in Point 2 , you can politely suggest that it feels awkward talking about sex life with ILs and also as he too is reluctant about telling his fertility issue , you feel uncomfortable too talking about your periods .

Point 4 - This is a question - on what visa are you ? H1b I am guessing . Your job looks pretty stable . Why take **** from these people? Can't you just move out ? Take a break? And as you say you are not scared of divorce , why feel intimidated ? This is the extreme scenario ( if things get unbearable). Why to bring a baby in this mess. Do you think your ILs will make life easy with the baby here. I am sorry I had to put this out here but as I said only in extreme situation, take this step.

Point 5 - this is a positive eg- I have a friend in India. She has been having fertility issues too. I don't know the exact details but she has had a few failed treatment cycles ( IVF) . I mean, everything was failing.She took a break with the treatment , continued taking the meds. And fell pregnant. She couldn't even get a period without the meds . I am really happy for her. And I believe that it will happen for you too .
Sorry for my ramayan.
Baby dust to you.

Deborah · Aug 22, 2017

MalStrom said: ↑

Is this not going to be your husband's child too? Why is he being so calculating about paying for IVF, particularly since some of the issues lie with him? And once the child is here is your husband going to hand you an invoice for formula, food, doctors visits etc?
A decent man would not allow his parents to heap abuse on you and pretend that everything was fine with him and it's just your fault. I dont know what you do with someone like this.[/QUOTE
I agree, but apparently she can't change her H or ILs.Her H is allowing all the blame fall on her head.He is definitely being selfish. She is being the good person here.Only she can decide how much can she take.Even I have advised her to take the high road if need arises.
Click to expand...