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Ttc And Il's Role

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Caughtinbetween, Jun 30, 2017.

  1. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all ,

    Dear all, hope you are doing good and looking forward to the holiday weekend.
    I am here with a mix of same old problems and few added new issues.
    Before that , I'd like to thank @Rihana for the wonderful help with the presentation material for GWC , its shaping up fine so far . I've almost prepared the major points of the presentation and slides are going to be ready soon. Thank you .
    Coming to the issue in hand now . I've a few issues like low egg count which made the dr. prefer iuis first and if it fails then go to ivfs . I had been doing it for few months but it failed . A recent lab finding revealed that H has some more fertility related issues and the Dr. straightforward mentioned ivfs without going for any more iuis. I'm willing to do it either ways though but dr. says iui may not work and is waste of time. So far I was paying for the iuis , related scans blood work etc etc. It was few thousand dollars . And H was unwilling to move to ivf because of the cost and maybe other issues like he felt ILs would feel bad if its a IVF pregnancy and not natural one etc.
    Now when this new finding came into picture he is all of a sudden highly willing to do ivf here , says money is not the issue for him , and wants to waste not one more month to start the procedure. I'll pay what ever i can , whenever i can for the procedure.
    Apparently I assume that ILs are forcing him to send me to India however they all talk when he is at work. He told them that he would be needed too so they are asking him to visit . He told me recently that currently his work situation is not something where he can visit or move and he wants this ttc struggles to finish in this country itself before R2I. This is the second time R2I topic had come up since the last time i asked you people. As someone suggested then I told him that changing doctors and all makes no sense only to wonder him away from the topic without a lot of discussions. I'm worried that ultimately Ils would put more pressure on H to either send me over or R2I . I dont want either to happen now . However I really want to have a child.
    I've felt that particularly after the recent lab work and doctors finding on him , H has a greater level of understanding and acceptance of the situation . I know India would probably have better chances at IVF success at lot lower cost but i cant get enough strength to take the plunge. And also fear that all the related extravaganza has to be beared by my family. Also , I feel completely controlled by their thoughts and all the ill talk they did .I'm unable to forgive or forget anything that happened. This has also build resentment in my mind , unsure if its affecting ttc from my end. Ils never directly spoke to me about this India coming yet but speak behind me . Not sure how to tackle them.
    Also what are the best and cost effective IVF clinics in the tri state area

    thank you once again for your time and efforts all the wonderful people. all your suggestions are highly welcome. appreciate it much.

    Also , since I work almost 11-12 hrs everyday and which involves some physical work too i get very tired by the end of the day and some times buy dinner and lunch . For both of us. Honestly this is happening quite too often . worried about it too ,as if tomorrow ILs come to know about it , they will blow it out as they are quite touchy about food , variety , time of serving and freshness etc . If I make lunch for him at home it is always the left over dinner as I leave very early morning and cant cook anything at all in the mornings. I know here a lot of ladies are managing kids and home together so need to learn from them.
    Mostly after going home cooking , dishwasher loading , laundry are the three things of prime importance that I do and thats it crash on the bed. If this again calls for a panchayat I break even with them.

    Sorry , looks more like a vent to me to lift off the burden off the chest .Thanks for putting up with me .
     
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  2. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Right now concentrate on yourself and baby situation. Forget what he said , she said. You need a calm mind, relaxed environment for IVF or natural baby planning. Everybody has challenges in marriage and baby planning. Sometimes, its in laws , sometimes, its relationship with husband. You name it somebody has it. Your baby is your baby no matter how he/ she comes into world. So convince your husband to look into bigger picture like u will have your bundle of joy in the result rather than concentrate on how it happened. In ideal world , if you both were good to go you wud have conceived naturally. That didn't happen. So what, thanks to advancement in Artificial methods, you can still have it.Its better than trying to have like olden days and getting disappointed.

    Here you and your husband are only 2 people in picture. So less stress of uninvited wisdom can be relatively ignored to concentrate on conception. In India as you mentioned it might be tuff and complicated. There , you might come across everybody's 2 cents and go crazy. You need a calm and relaxed environment. For that you ensure you get it by any way. Mention it to your hubby you wont be going to India and want to be here for IVF. Cost wise money is money here or there. Only there it comes with additional expenses imposed by everybody. Here you are better off doing it by yourself. Besides your doctor knows your history in and out. Who better to go with for IVF.You have tried the other method and failed. So you might as well go ahead with IVf.Tell your husband firmly you wont go. With the mental input you get from IL's for this, I wont be surprised if your hubby himself has refused.

    Forget about what your IL's say about food here. Why don't you have somebody deliver fresh food everyday to you. I know lots of people do it here. Instead of thinking about oh I have to do X no of things when I got home stress, think how much you will be relaxed hot food will be ready for you when you get home. Do your laundry once a week on Saturday or Sunday. First you need to relax your mind and body for everything to work like clockwork.

    Baby dust to you. Good Luck.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    NYC has several top-notch clinics but they are expensive. If you can afford it the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) which is one of the country's best has a branch in NYC. Cornell also has a good reputation. If you can travel to the DC/PA area then Shady Grove Fertility has a shared risk IVF program. If you pass their medical screening and are eligible you pay a flat fee to join. You then get up to 6 rounds of IVF to try for a child. If if doesn't work or you decide to drop out you get your money back.
     
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  4. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you @chocolate and @MalStrom for your advice .
    Just the other day he was saying that he is more worried about what he would tell his parents if we do not try anything for the next 6 months . its better to R2I because the cost is high here and 2-3 cycles could be done in india with this cost etc . he was basically more worried about what he can tell his parents back home . apparently they are forcing him to send me or both come back if needed , this discussion happens at work though , nothing to me directly. I kept quiet during this part and when he asked about going to other places I did say i'll check other places. R2I is like a sword on my head which only adds more stress to the already stressed life . Going to India for treatment would be a recipe for disaster in my case . Even if we both go it wont change much . Given the fact that H is completely under Ils control, I want to avoid ttc in india as much as possible . But I am also preparing myself mentally for R2I if it must happen now . However until my new insurance kicks in I have a couple of months during which I want to try some other clinic which is somewhat affordable . My current clinic haveababy quoted about 15-17k including meds for one cycle. Are there any other which are less expensive than this . Any replies would immensely help . Is CCRM more expensive than shady and if so how much ? I am also willing to travel to nearby states as needed .
    Thank you all for your responses.
    I promise , I will not disappear for long between updates and responses :)
    Thanks and take care .
     
  5. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Hi. I don't know about the previous thread of yours but regarding this problem, I would suggest that if money is not an issue , then go for IVF here. I agree things would be cheaper in India but the mindset is too narrow .Also, do your in laws know about your husband's fertility issues? Tell your husband that are going to gossip etc. And all these negative talks are going g to affect both of you during such a sensitive time. A baby should not be a topic for gossip mongers. And that you would feel more at peace here.Also you should avail the best treatment research and latest procedures in US.Though it's expensive but the quality of treatment would be great and secondly , when and if you return to India with a baby , nobody is going to bother you with IVF ques. Only the closest would be knowing ( that too if you guys want).Also, baby would be a US citizen so he/she can come back for further studies hassle free like we all have had to. This point is important for your husband to understand.
    Second point regarding house chores- buy Frozen rotis in bulk . Do bulk cooking on weekends. Buy a slow cooker or better still, an Instant pot.You can program it to start cooking before you leave and you will get hot food in the evening. Look it up. You can even cook 2-3 items in it together.Some people also do veg chopping on the weekend and store in the fridge. Look up some YouTube videos. Laundry- you are only 2 people , do it on the weekend. Dishwasher- ask your husband to just rinse his utensils and put it in dishwasher as n when he eats. Not a big thing to do. Don't worry , it will take time for him to listen. Mine doesn't do his too unless I ask 2-3 times.And sometimes , not even then .Keep disposable cutlery for days when you don't feel like cleaning up.Cleaning - deep clean once a month. Superficially clean as and when required. Keep cleaning supplies( wipes, paper towel, bleach etc) in all bathrooms , bedrooms and kitchen so that you don't have to look around for them. Hope this helps.
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    CCRM is very expensive. I would go there if money is no object, but not otherwise. Shady Grove has some discount packages with money-back guarantees. Call them and they will give you all the brochures explaining costs and options. 15-17 k per cycle is a standard price in the metro areas.
     
  7. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    Please do your research before choosing a doctor/clinic. Look up doctor's reviews and ratings, costs and statistics. I first went with a clinic that offered the treat,emts at a very very less price. But only after a few IUI's I realised that I get what I pay for. Clear your doubts, get any questions answered before going with a doctor. I moved to another clinic for my IVF. I shortlisted 3-4 clinics based on reviews and statistics and the called them up to enquire how much they charge for each cycle. 15-17 K is how much it costs per IVF cycle at reputed clinics.

    It would cost much less for a cycle in India than in the US. But being stress free is very important or it might affect your results.
     
  8. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Elsa for your reply. Appreciate the time and efforts.
    I try to do as much research as possible from my side but still wanted to know first hand experience from you all specifically for IVF here in USA. I am confused with the reviews. Same dr. Gets completely different reviews at different websites.
    I went without checking any reviews only to my first dr. At the very start of this ttc journey and paid the price very dearly. Ever since am trying to find a good dr. As much as possible based on reviews and my gut instincts . When for a few months metformin and clomid did not work , I went to NYU fertility center's chief dr. I tried 3 iuis there with clomid and ovidrel but it didn't work . I always felt while there that something was amiss . Felt as if I am blindly doing iuis without any efforts to find out the reason behind the failures . Met the dr. Only once during all this as everything was carried out by nurses . I understand that nurses take over everywhere but every month I wanted to find out the underlying reason but dr. Was apparently reluctant.all I was left with was bills to pay . I thought I had to switch dr. Now.
    Hence moved to Dr. T at S**R again after going through his reviews I thought maybe I will get some help here. He asked ivf straight . Before that got all the tests done and it looked like issues are little less egg count , endometrial thickness is little off the mark and morphology combined with oxidative stress . Meanwhile I found online about fertility cocktail of ccrm and got all the medicines and recently started on it .
    Now waiting for the new insurance to kick in will take the treatment back by 6 months . I never knew that we can call the drs office to know the ivf rates. I thought we have to again go through all the tests and then they tell us the cost. I will go through all the above suggested places and will see which one offers better package. I understand your point that even if you go to a place which is very cheap it might not be worth it at the end. I know two places which only charge 6k$ but not sure about its credibility.
    Thank you so much for putting up with me.appreciate responses from all of you .
     
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You should always ask for prices up front and ask about any discounts if you are self-pay, for every single test and procedure. Don't let them do something first and charge you later.
    And if you have to buy IVF meds out of pocket then shop around different pharmacies for the best price. Don't automatically go with what the office tells you. You can buy different medicines at different places if the prices are cheaper. Some clinics also have supplies of donated medicines from people who have completed their treatments. Don't be shy to ask your nurse about these.
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Also if your medical expenses meet the criteria you can claim a tax deduction so save all your bills and receipts.
     

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