Trying To Heal, Any Suggestions?

In my experience this will never happen. Brother’s responsibility will increase in his family and his POV will be from wife perspective. Since mom is also siding with SIL there will be nobody to tell the brother what is going wrong. I wouldn’t hope anything for future but get ready to face the day when brother will do the same . Once your brother has kids you will see more of this from your mom . There is no way to win this battle and accept it as fate and move on . Please don’t have hopes for these kind of relationship . If you question you will be accused of jealousy if you stay quiet same accusations. After sometime you will get used to it . I would say get used to it now rather than going through hurtful episodes . Save yourself from heartache . Better to find comfort and happiness from your husband , kids and family .

 

Dear OP

As far as I see, you have been treated as a second class citizen at your own home since a long time. I mean, your mother did not treat both yourself and your brother equal. Looks like you have a long term wound because of your mother's treatments towards you. And, there is no quick fix to such situations.
All you have to do is, to accept and understand this. Not all the mother's are equal to God. There are evil mothers, and there are different shades between being godly and evil too. Your mom is unfortunately on the evil side.
Believe me, my husband's mother witched him, following interfering way too much into his marital and financial lives in the past, just because she did not like his choice of bride. She has never loved him in the past, and this is the epitome of that.
There is no fix. My husband is obviously hurt for a while. Such dejection hurts. But what to do?
There are mothers who throw their kids into bins, and leave their newborns in orphanages, and are some who abort their well grown fetus for their own selfish needs. Compared to them, your mom is less evil, and I am sure you must have some good memories with her to drag her towards at least to the mid point - to call her an average mom.
Just accept it, and move on.
You have a husband, and probably a new family of yours. Hang in there. Develop that bond with your hubby, and kids. Ultimately, they are your family now. They should be your first priority.
My husband was able to heal and move on so fast because he had a loving family on his side. He understood very well that he is so lucky in that way.

Having said that, I don't agree with your statement that your relationship with your parental home has suddenly changed the moment your SIL entered that house. Looks like you suffer from self pity, because you are jealous with your SIL. It happens with many daughters who have been treated like a second class citizen at their own parent's home. Naturally, they expect the new comer - SIL too, should be treated the same way, by the same folks. But, when everyone starts to prioritize the new comer-SIL, that too simultaneously by ignoring you as usual, it can get into your nerves. It happens.
Don't deny. Acknowledge your emotions. That is the first step of healing.

However, in your case, instead of acknowledging your jealousy and self pity, you have attributed all the blame to your SIL. That's what it is complicating the healing process.

I understand that you are hurt by your SIL's comments. But rationally thinking, there is nothing to feel hurt. I've told the same to my H before marriage, and I know probably my SIL would have told the same to my bro too. This is universal truth. Every girl has this basic expectation from their spouse, that they should be the first priority in their husband's life.

Besides, all the drama that happened around your bro's marriage is not unusual. In family weddings, there will be hundreds of similar issues and heart-breaks for the close relatives. I've experienced the same during my own bro's and BIL's weddings, and I have felt really heartbroken for a while about such dramas. But that did not take way my peace of mind for long as your case.
And the rule of thump here is, if you are not respected by your parents, it is likely that your SIL too will not respect you.
Accept this..... Limit your presence in their lives, and be available to your bro as always. Perhaps, distance can make the hearts grow fond, and your bro's nuclear family style might bring a change from this long chain of happenings.
Wait for your time.

Acceptance is the first step of healing.

In a nut shell, accept the fact that you are not the apple of your parents' eyes. And your SIL has a special place at your parents' home.
Besides, you are jealous of SIL, and it is OK to feel that way, given the fact you have experienced so much heart breaks and emotional break downs at the very same place where your SIL is respected and treated with special care.
Now, work with your heart to let go of the bitterness and jealousy by thinking of your own blessings.

 

There are 2 issues here - your relationship with mom and your relationship with sil.

I think society has painted "mom" in a god like manner where she unconditionally loves her children and will put them first no matter what. Naturally we expect ALL moms to be like that. This is not reality for everyone. Like someone mentioned above, there are moms who throw their children in bins or even sell their children for money. These are one extreme, amazing loving moms are other extreme - and somewhere in between these extremes are moms who are abusive or just don't care. Getting a good one is probably luck of the draw or a karmic gamble!

Second issue is your sil - a stranger who went out of her way to ensure you understood that she is not your friend.

To heal, your first step would be to accept the mom & sil you got - acceptance doesn't mean forgiveness or putting up with crap - just accepting that you got a lemon and you can't change it and be ok with it.

Next is, to disengage from them emotionally - and treat them like neighbors - polite and nothing more. You can help if you can but only if its needed & requested and only if you can do it without expectations. Don't talk anything negative about them to anyone or even to yourself. No point in telling these stories again and again and make yourself go through the same feelings you went through at that time.

Third is to figure out how to deal with your emotions in either cases. With your sil, things "might" change or might not. 3 yrs is small time - some people take 10-20 years to become mature.. and some never. Be thankful you still have a relationship with your brother.. she could have stopped that if she wanted to. Enjoy this relationship as long as it lasts - People change - your brother might or your sil might. Whatever it is, you can be thankful for you have right now and let life take over from there. you don't have to go out of your way to make her happy - just be polite and treat her how you'd treat a neighbor and let her be.

With the mom-daughter relationship, There are some really good books - This should be telling loud that you are not the only one with this struggle and you can learn from the collective wisdom available to help with your healing. (Books - Mothers who can't love, Will I ever be good enough, Mean mothers, Toxic Parents, Difficult mothers etc). Learn CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy where you learn how to deal with your emotions, do meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, forgive them from the anger and hurt you have and let them go!!! (Again, this doesn't mean you put up with more crap from them... you let past hurt feelings go and protect yourself by emotionally disengaging from them, here on).

Fourth step is to build your community, your support network by nurturing relationships with people who will be there for you - even if they are not related by blood or marriage. You can choose your own family!

Most of all - practice self love every day! You don't need their approval for you to feel good about you. Take care of yourself and be your own mom. This is the fifth but most important step in your healing journey.

Good luck!

 

Chin up, @soulful. You're not alone. The big thing you have going for you is that you've broken out of denial and have accepted your situation for what it is. Looking forward instead of back ... wanting to forgive and continue the relationship ... many people take a lifetime to get to where you are.

Sadly, blaming the child for "always ..." is not unusual. When things go south, your mother either has to stick up for you or blame you. She chooses to blame you.

How to move forward? Detach emotionally from your FOO, you have a new family now. Prioritize your DH and kids.

All relationships are about give and take. Don't invest more in SIL and parents than they invest in you.

Some parents sacrifice everything for their kids, some consistently look out for numero uno, most parents are somewhere in between. In traditional cultures around the world, daughters went off to be part of their husbands' families while sons and DILs looked after their parents. In such families, parents prioritize son and DIL — not because they love son more than daughter, but because they love themselves most of all.

Societies change. Today, sons and daughters are equally likely to move away leaving parents to fend for themselves. That's when parents start saying "a son is a son till he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life." Hopefully, our generation will adapt quickly and stop clinging to the old ways.

Put the past behind you. If SIL/parents hurt you, minimize contact with her/them. Invest emotionally in yourself instead. Lavish love on your DH and kids. Make sure they know you always have their back. That's the road to healing.