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Trying To Heal, Any Suggestions?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by soulful, Dec 7, 2018.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Not to extend the discussion about that one thing endlessly, or grill you about it like you are on trial. : ) It bothers you after three years, so offering some other perspectives...

    So, after the wedding in another state, flight back to home state, new bride coming home. Neighbor had prepared food. Did it occur to you that fewer people at home would be preferable in terms of privacy etc? Your parents cannot go anywhere else, but, you could go to in-laws' house? Did you think of yourself saying on the way home or in the flight, that you will be going directly to in-laws' house, or will go after dinner? Arranged for ride to your in-laws' house if you are going after dinner? You knew that new SIL is not exactly pally pally with you yet...

    Ideal would have been that you help with any "welcome the bride" ceremony and leave. With your plans to leave being announced well in advance. Just my opinion. House filled with people, even immediate family, is not the most convenient thing when a new bride has arrived. "Just the five of us" becomes "five of us."
     
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  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Don’t expect at all. Looks like she isn’t wanting to try.

    So you do have a relationship with him. It’s not like you are abandoned and alone. He’s there for you. Look at the silver lining. It could have been worse.

    It’s hard. India trips are always exhausting. Add to it a complicated mom daughter relationship. Takes the fun out of the trip.
    It’s best you tone down your expectations. If you feel that she’s always been this way then there should come a point where you stop trying. Maintain your distance for your own sake.

    Do your brother and SIL live with your parents? Asking because mom maybe catering to their privacy etc. It doesn’t seem like it from your post and mostly this is probably because she senses you have already started pulling back. It’s ok. You’ve got to to what makes you better and keeps you happy.
     
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  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Now You provided more details What your mom is doing is definitely wrong . Unfortunately the hardest thing in life is to accept indifference from parents because we expect unconditional love from them . Looks like your mom has different priorities . Since you are staying away her ,only support system is her son and her SIL . From my personal experience your mom will never understand the hurt she is causing to you . In this whole scenario you will be the only affected party . Your mom and SIL will benefit from each other and they will never care about you . How can you help yourself? Try to stay away from Mom and SIL . Never complain about them to brother . Good thing your brother is still the same . Just talk to him and cherish the moment . Never mention these conversations to your mom . If you ever want to vent come here . Time heals everything but sometimes some people never realize how much hurt they cause to their family members . Forgive your mom for your own good and come to terms with the reality . Take your focus away from this issue . Good luck on healing
     
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  4. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    Looks like you live in US away from your parents and your Brother/SiL near your parents. You are looking for someone to be empathetic to your parents’ preferential treatment. I can completely relate to your hurt feelings and my sincere suggestion is to recognize your feelings, but try to ignore your parents’ put downs for your own peace of mind. I offer same advice to my wife too.

    My in-laws have one son, and daughter(my wife). Ours is a love marriage. My wife faced opposition from her parents for this alliance as I come from lower middle class background. But they ultimately agreed reconciling that their daughter’s selection is not so shabby who is a PhD guy who has good earning potential, 2 married sisters settled in India, mom who lived in India, so least interference to their daughter’s life( my mom departed after 2 years of our wedding). Their behavior towards my mother in our wedding left me very disappointed but I loved my wife, and not her parents so didn’t make an issue. After that, they have visited us couple of times in US majority of the time spent in seeing tourist places but I have always felt that they do not want to get too close with me or my wife.

    Now we have twins born after 11 years of marriage and with lot of physical/emotional struggle. Babies are in their 12th week. Firstly, her parents said they will come to help the daughter once babies are 3 months. Later they said only mother will come. Now they say they will come for their first birthday. I have no qualms on whether they will come now or later or decide to not come at all. But my wife is really down due to their constant change of mind. My BIL( wife’s older brother) lives in Dubai and has a daughter. For the delivery and after care, both parents went for 6 months in a row within 2 years is what wife remembers. BIL’s daughter even though born in Dubai will not get UAE citizenship due to country’s policies but still BIL/ his wife didn’t want to have delivery in India with the foresight that child born in Dubai will have easier path to GC in US it seems! BIL tried to come to US but could not due to visa denial few times, so want to have easier path for his child in the future.

    I earn good compensation, and my wife’s asst.professor salary is not less either. We have hired good help and plan to have baby sitters, nannies when wife returns to work but emotionally she misses her parents, especially her mom. This type of differential emotional treatment hurts my wife during her postpartum stage, but I am helpless. I miss my mother very much these days as I am 100% sure that she would not have treated her daughters or son’s wife differently.
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2018
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Bitterness that happen during weddings take a long time to go.

    Accept that your sil does not care to have a relationship for whatever reason.It is fine .
    Lots of families are fine and happy with minimum relationship between the two sils.
    Very rarely do you see very happy and loving relationship between these two.
    It is also not a relationship that has to happen.
    Less relationship is better than bad blood.
    May be her staying aloof is good.

    Your brother seems to be fine with it and you still have a good relationship with him.
    I feel this is the best you can get in a situation like yours. You get to have a warm relationship with your brother and there is no danger of that getting damaged because of possible conflicts that could have arisen if there was more interaction with sil.

    Three years is a very small timeline in ones life.
    Sometimes people change with time .


    As for your mother,the bitterness she caused was quite unnecessary specially since they do not even stay together.

    May be she was extra cautious because of the the bitterness caused during wedding between you and her family.
    It is understandable but she should have been less callous . She should have explained to you. Besides it is not that difficult to keep thing under control for a day or two .

    If the behavior has continued then may be you should have a talk with her.

    Your relationship with your mother is not dependent on others. There is no reason for change in behaviour specially when they don't live together and your mom's relationship with you does not impact her relationship with dil.
    A calm heart to heart talk between mother daughter could help .

    Keep your relationship with brother and sil the same as that seems to be best in the situation but you could work on your relationship with mother.

    Tell her what you feel and be open to what she feels . Let it be a calm talk instead of accusations .
    You may find something you missed and she may find something she missed.

    Best wishes.....
     
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  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana - I tried to rationalize what happened with the "privacy" theory, but seriously, I didn't think and still am not convinced - one extra person violates privacy. We had 11 people sleeping outside our bedroom, in a one bedroom apt on the night of the marriage and I was fine. And I wasn't pally with anyone either, Not even my husband given that it was a typical arranged marriage.

    @Laks09 - Yes, there is no other way out. I have to let go of any expectations and keep polite relationships. My brother and wife are in the US. My parents are pretty much self sufficient, in both health and money terms. Touchwood.

    @mangaii - Yes I have to forget about it. I don't complain to anyone. I also wonder how long my brother will keep in touch. I am preparing for that scenario too, so that I am not caught off guard when that happens, like I was now. This pain really sucks.

    @Greenbay - I am sorry to hear about what you have faced. It is sad when parents choose different standards for their own children. Both I and my Dh and My brother and his wife are in the US. My parents are independent in most respects, I am greatful for that. However there is the traditional son - daughter biased mindset in my mom. Since son is important, so is DIL. They can give the family their heir, I can't.
     
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  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    YM, my mother doesn't see anything wrong with how SIL and her family behaved with me. She dismisses it as my self pity. Also, MY mother thinks I am jealous LOL, (I have no reason). there is not much I can do to make her see the situation from my perspective. She could have handled it better, she didn't.

    As far being aloof is concerned, I am the one trying to stay away. I tried to forget her harsh attitude although I was humiliated, because I am the older more mature one. I gave excuses to myself for her behaviour. But it continued. My SIL is aggressive and ready to jump down my throat everytime I open my mouth to speak. I hate that and Of course my parents don't have my back so she can continue without any fear of in laws. So I stay away and neither my mother nor my SIL see anything wrong in their behaviour.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2018
  8. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Soulful,
    I can understand your pain. No amount of soothing words here can ease the pain, your Mom's behaviour has caused. The only solution is to have a heart to heart talk with your mother. Talk to her when you are mentally ready for it.Maybe your mother didn't meant it the way you had in your mind.Maybe she is not realizing the pain that her words and behaviour had caused in her daughter's mind.
    Would like to share some words that I heard in a TV show. " Sometimes relationships aren't perfect.They can be awkward and a little distant. But the thing is it's never the whole story,isn't it?". Cherish only the beautiful memories you share with your Mom. Consciously try to ignore the unpleasant thoughts..Sometimes,a little distance will do good for the relationships.Things will get better.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    OK. It was a theory and based on normal house occupancy numbers at weddings in your family, the theory is disproved. Good.

    That you were fine does not mean others will also be fine. Here is another theory - maybe your SIL told your brother she prefers/wants no one in the house other than your parents, and your brother told your mother...

    Oh.. this makes it harder to understand your mother's behavior. If your brother was in India and visiting them more frequently, her behavior kind of makes sense.

    What pain, soulful? Your brother is currently talking ok with you. He is in the U.S. Your parents are touchwood doing good. Continue to talk with brother, avoid sticky issues.

    The above is true, but think of it in the past tense. Your mother didn't see anything wrong with how SIL & Co. behaved with you. She dismissed it as self-pity. You are still trying to make her see the situation from your perspective. 3 years on. You have to learn how to state your hurt, your feelings, give the other person a chance to react, to make amends, and then move on even if they don't. Move on to maintaining a regular relationship with them with some necessary "cooling off" period.

    These khich-khich's will always be there when siblings grow up and get married. You have to work your way around these. Relationships will go through many phases of ups and downs. Go with the flow.

    This is the second or third time you are saying "my parents don't have my back." It does not work that way. Don't put old parents through the burden of taking sides among children and children's spouses. Your still trying to prove that you were wronged does not help anyone, not even you. It will only make you look petty.

    There are very few things that hurt as much as one's parents obviously favoring one child over another, not listening to reason, not even acknowledging that they are favoring one child, one child's spouse or one set of grandchildren. You have to protect yourself, your spirit, draw upon strength from good friends, spouse, and focus on the positives in relationship with sibling, parents.
     
  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana - would it be okay to put young parents through the burden of taking sides? Perhaps you didn't read my initial post where I said this has been the story of my life, only aggravated by the incidents at the wedding. I am not expecting them to do castigate my SIL. There are other ways to have my back, for example - just plain acknowledging that it was wrong, instead of dismissing it.

    It is true, I said 1 time too many that they don't have my back; not to be petty, but to state a fact in response to ILites.

    I have long given up getting my mother see my perspective. That's exactly what I said above in response to YM's post. My title mentions - I am trying to heal, which means I am seeking help trying to work around these.

    I agree with what you say and what everybody else is saying - I am trying to move on. I appreciate each one's responses. It reminds me why I keep coming back to IL.
     
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