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Trying To Heal, Any Suggestions?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by soulful, Dec 7, 2018.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I can understand ur pain .But truth is ur bro will always be ur bro and always love u . Of course after marriage a person always chooses this spouse as number 1 priority. So understand his constraints and forgive him.

    That time there was a newly married bride in the house., If your bro and parents all confronted the newcomer for u , just imagine how bad the situation would have been ..tomorrow she would have said that she feels like an outsider in the home and want to live separately from in-laws and then, ur parents would have become alone. So, everyone expected u to adjust instead so that that girl will feel at home in the new house . After all just think she left her parents and is expected to live with your parents and take care of them . So ur parents and bro handled the very sensitive situation to avoid any unnecessary unwelcome feeling for her in the house. But truth is that , daughter is always more than DIL , and in their heart u are always much more important .

    Parents differentiating between kids is always wrong , today or tomorrow they will realise their rude behaviour . But don't waste your life or happiness pining away for them .Reducw the expectations , understand thwie constraints and.forgive, focus on your immediate family instead . Sooner or later., They will all realise your worth
     
  2. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Thankyou all for the great advice.

    @Lalithambigai - that was a lovely post. How I heal and how fast, is in my hands. It's been almost 3 years.
    I have finally been able to frame coherent sentences to illustrate my emotions and seek suggestions from you all. I am going to work on my thoughts.

    @SpritualSoul - Yes, there is definitely an element of son-daughter bias here. I was in denial for 35 years of my life and have just come to terms with it. However, I don't think that my mother has the "dil will also visit her parents often' agenda. Her parents visit their daughters often and have already come to stay with my brother and SIL twice in these 3 years for 6 months at a time and my parents haven't come once. I sure hope things will fall in place, at least in my mind.

    @lakssubbu - You are right - I try to remember the saying 'people treat you the way you allow them to'. I don't know about brave, but I do know I have a high threshold for b*llsh!t and can handle more than most people before I snap. LOL, I wonder if that is even funny. I guess, something to work on.

    @MalStrom - Succinct response. It is not going to change suddenly. Something I have realized but just needed to hear it from someone else. Insecurity is not a word in my SIL's dictionary, at least as far as family and relationships are concerned. I am learning to accept there is no easy solution.

    @GeetaKashyap - True - Parents are humans and have their own flaws. Just difficult to accept as another flawed human being. I am going to try. Thankyou! :)

    @Anusha2917 - Nothing much I can do. Like they say, to change a thought pattern, you must be first willing to accept it as a fact. I have been convincing myself that my feelings of abandonment is in my imagination. I have finally accepted it is very much real. Perhaps my journey in healing would be easier from here.

    @lukywife - I accept the Karmic theory :) I have spent the last 3 years making sense of the situation and nothing explains it like this one. LOL. I have done everything you suggested, ask about her parents, talk to her, gifts, etc. I think I am done. Now I will just wait for Karma balance itself out.

    @mangaii - While it is true I said he asked my opinions, I also said that I have always been a hands off sister , even as kids - when History and Civics were more stressful and marriage and spouses were not even a thought. I personally don't think it is self-pity. It is more, a higher threshold for bull$h!t. I have wondered about whether it is letting people walk over me or the need to not let matters go out of hand. The jury is still out on that one. I was confused, now I am not. It took me 1/3rd of my life to accept it. It is now time to move on.

    @Laks09 - I agree Husband and wife have their own relationship and everyone else is secondary. But when a woman is still not sure if she is interested in this guy and she says such a thing, it makes you realize what your situation is going to be. And other following incidents only proved I was right. She is entering a marriage with prejudices against someone she doesn't know. I tried ignoring everything and setting the right example, but when your own parents don't have your back, it is difficult to continue. Things have been rocky ever since. My marriage is strong, touchwood. You are right,I should make my inner circle smaller than what it is. I expanded it to included my SIL,and that is where I went wrong.

    @nakshatra1 - Thankyou :) I know my brother will always be my brother. I never expected anyone to confront anyone. I never said anything to my parents. I am a DIL too, and I know how difficult my life was in the initial years. I wouldn't wish that on my SIL. Irony is, I have been on the receiving end of bad treatment from both, my in-laws on DH's side and in-laws on my parental side, i.e my SIL. I am going to focus on myself and my immediate family. They say love multiples when you include more people, nobody mentions, hurt multiples too.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Is it possible the reason for asking you to leave was less dramatic than "the moment DIL set foot into the home"? Do you recall the situation? Was it something like the house was full, many guests coming and going, and your mother asked you if you could go over to your in-laws' place?

    When our nieces/nephews were in high school years, we were asked to time our visits around their exams.
     
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  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    :) it was as dramatic as I wrote. The wedding was in another state, so guests had already departed from the wedding venue to their respective homes in different states. we take flight back home to home state, go in to the house. It was just the five of us - my parents, brother - SIL and me. Plus one neighbouring aunty who had prepared food for us. She was the one who asked me to go after eating. Or I would have taken the same taxi to my in-laws home, where my DH was.

    I toss these things in my head a million times to convince this is all in my head or rationalize it. sadly not!
     
  5. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Ask yourself a question. Have you ever done any mistakes in this relationship? My knowledge about your life and things happened to you is limited. I’m sorry for what you are going through. Time will heal things.
    My final cents:
    Our ego is karma. Your ego is your karma. Your sil’s ego is her karma. Your mom’s ego is her karma. If you realize your ego, you will start expecting less from others. Ego judges others. Ego will never let one forgive others. Ego never lets us achieve inner peace.
    By talking to your brothers wife, I meant expecting nothing in return. We think it’s hard. It’s not. No one owes us anything. We will realize this when we grow old. My best wishes to you.
     
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  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    it totally makes sense. Thankyou! Guess this is a part of healing. I tried, but to no avail. Now it will have to wait. Until I am ready.
     
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  7. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Atleast you are trying to forgive, pray for the ones that haven’t even tried. It could be your mom/ sil. You trying to forgive her and your mom is a divine intervention. By which I mean you are taking a major step against your ego. Challenge yourselves and do it. It will help you in attaining inner peace. Be happy about that. It’s going to help you in a long term. You will expect less from your kids and others in future. Just give your mom and sil time to realize. They might realize and come back to you. When they come back, give your best. Sometimes people may not realize at all, it is their karma - their ego. You don’t have to worry for other person’s karma. Just pray for them. Just give your best to your husband, your kids and people around you. My best wishes.
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You were not wrong, Soulful. We all do what we think is right. When experiences teach you otherwise it’s when you reevaluate. Don’t beat yourself up for what you did. I think SILs should included their SILs a little. I have older SILs who are like sisters. I admire them a lot. They have put in effort at the beginning and I’m grateful for that.

    Btw, you seem to be thinking things went wrong for you because your sil said something to your brother. Isn’t that a bias right from the beginning too? I’m not saying it’s wrong but you did form an opinion of a girl you barely knew just like she made up her mind about you. I’m not trying to point fingers. You made effort afterwards and it wasn’t reciprocated. When things between two SILs don’t start off on the right footing it’s not easy for one person to put in ground work and fix it. She has to do something too. From what you say, she isn’t. Best to let it go.

    Where is your brother? What is he doing to continue your relationship? You’ve had a strong bond. It can’t be broken in a day. You seem to be okay with him. Is he keeping in touch and are you having an okay relationship? If not, place the fault where it belongs. It’s his fault he isn’t maintaining ties with you.
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Did you ever go back home after that? If my mom had asked me to “go after eating” I wouldn’t be going back there in a hurry. Where will I go after dinner without making prior plans? I would be angry too. Unfortunately it effects you more than mom. It’s best to accept that she isn’t perfect and do what you can to move past it. It must be hard when it’s your own mom but there are moms who do this from time to time. When such things happen, know that moms aren’t always fair. There are moms who hurt you. It’s best to forgive her for YOURSELF. Like I said earlier, forgiving is for you not for her.
     
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  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    @Laks09 - yes, it did start with that one thing she told my brother, but I let it go. because 1) I agree about the basic premise that husband and wife come first and we are only the second line of family. 2) Also, I attributed her saying these words to immaturity, you know, things will change as she gets married and responsibilities set in, blah blah... Question is how long am I going to wait for her to be mature? At her age, I was going through a truckload of trouble from my inlaws in my marriage. She has had a much better environment.

    My brother is fine. he calls pretty frequent and we still joke around. I am greatful for that.

    I did go home during my next India trip. I kept the trip short and went home for 1 night, just because they are my parents.

    My mother did not ask me to stay, our neighbor did. My in law's home is like a 20 minute walk from my maternal home, so that wasn't a problem. Problem was my mother's attitude.
     

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