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Trying To Heal, Any Suggestions?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by soulful, Dec 7, 2018 at 11:41 AM.

  1. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    I need some counselling.

    a few years ago, my younger brother got married. And i have reason to think(at least I THINK I have a reason) that they she and her family hate the fact that I exist in my brother's life.

    Some background -

    I have been a second mother to him. My brother used to seek my opinion on important matters. Not anymore and that is perfectly fine. I am a hands off sister too, and give him advice only when he asks, even before his marriage. So obviously, now I definitely maintain a distance. He does'nt ask about personal matters either, excepting this one time he needed my opinion on saying yes to this girl. [All this to say, I am not an evil sister-in-law] He told me that she told him not to ask my opinion because she is going to be his wife. And this, even BEFORE they agreed on each other. That day I knew, I would neither be respected nor given a place in my brother's life and my parental family, IF she is the one. GUess what, yup she IS the one! I accepted, because, well it is his life, and ultimately he needs to be happy irrespective of how I get treated.

    Coming to the wedding and after, my sil and her family were/are very rude to me. [there were other issues from their side, but that's another story] she yelled, her father pointed his finger to my face, blah blah. No courtesy and ready to jump down my throat. I didn't tell anyone anything and kept quiet. It did eventually come out to my dad because he once saw me crying quietly. He didn;t say much to me but apparently told my mom, but true to her nature, she dismissed my feelings as nothing more than self pity. As if this is not enough, my own mother asked me to leave the house the moment her dil set foot into the home I was born and raised in. My in laws live close by so I left.

    I feel abandoned and hurt. I feel like am alone and without a solid rock behind me. even today, they are on very good terms with people who hurt me and This has been the case ever since my childhood. i feel abandoned. yes that's the second time i said that and here is a third time - I feel abandoned. And before you say I am over reacting, I am not. this is not just because what happened at my brother's wedding, it is the story of my life, exacerbated by the incidents at the wedding. . I never had anyone backing me. I have always been alone.

    Any suggestions that can help heal the wound? And need help with how to maintain relationship with my SIL without getting humiliated over and over again. And then,of course, how to forgive and forget my mother's attitude towards me. (Forgiving is much more hard when it is your own parents.) Thankyou!
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018 at 11:53 AM
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  2. Lalithambigai

    Lalithambigai Finest Post Winner

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    OP, we hear you. Hats Off! for your courage to share your inner turmoil with all of us and putting yourself out there. I know for a fact it's not easy.

    I am very hopeful that you will be fully healed soon because you did a lot of the homework already and you ask the right questions with the right words already in there such as healing and forgiveness. I am sure you will get a lot more wonderful suggestions but let me share what has worked for me.

    Life is like a mirror. Actually you might believe all these feelings you harbour towards your mum or SIL are only in your mind and they are not aware but this is not the case. Since you think so about them, unknowingly you convey these emotions and they sense it too. They in turn respond to those thoughts. In a way, the way you feel about them is being reflected back to you (in life's big wide screen mirror).

    Solution to all your questions is change the way you feel about them and forgive them heartfully and see that reflect back to you. It can happen in an instant but can you forget and forgive everything in the past, in an instant? How fast you heal is in your hands and only in your hands/heart :)
     
  3. SpritualSoul

    SpritualSoul Gold IL'ite

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    Hi soulful..

    I can very well understand ur situation.. Its not only you, it happens to almost all girls in our society .. Girls are treated differently compared to their son.. there are so many dumb reasons for this..

    I have a younger brother yet to be married... I guess it will happen by 2020... But I often use to think , what will be my position in my home after my brother got married...

    Let me share few points that I observed from friends and family around and made a note in my mind..

    1. Mothers think that if daughter visits home often then DIL also will visit her parents home often... ( one of my close friend encountered this situation... Her mother asked her to leave the house once DIL set foot into the home... In addition to it, her mother asked her not to visit often so that new DIL will also pickup that habit of visiting her parents often.. My friend cried for two days and stopped visiting her house completely.. She rarely visits once or twice in a year.. She have mentioned that whole house have changed completely and she doesnt feel its like her home anymore)

    2. Parents always think only son and DIL will take care of them during their old age so giving importance to them.

    3. Mothers always favour their son... How much ever bad their son is she will support her son only.. How much ever good her daughter is she will support only her son... Might be because of insecurity of her future


    OP you should definitely forgive your mother .. Because she might have done mistake due to insecured feeling about her future..

    Ur SIL might have behaved odd due to possessiveness.. Just maintain a minimal relationship for one or two years then everything will fall in places.. Every new marriage has lots of confusion and needs some settlement period
     
  4. lakssubbu

    lakssubbu Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Soulful

    I'm really sorry for what you are going through. But also was wondering how strong you should be to handle these situations. U seem to be a very brave and have high potential. May be that is the reason others are bit scared of you.
    Believe me you its high time to neglect this and give less importance to people and things that's affecting you. I know its easy said than done.
    But think of it, do you want to allow people to impact you with their behavior or just ignore it. I have seen such people really feeling bad and shocked when we don't react the same way they expect us to..
    They are not worth your attention dear. And what ever happens, your brother will come to you if he needs you. Just be patient and let the cloud pass by. Nobody would be able to hurt you unless you allow them to.
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    You cannot change how others behave towards you, but you can control your reactions towards them.
    If this is a lifelong pattern of behavior by your family then it is not going to change suddenly. Your new SIL might be feeling insecure and wants to assert her position in her new household. If she sees that your parents are not going to stand up for you then this will just give her more strength for her stance. Your brother has to now please his new wife above others so he might not say anything either.
    Seek a therapist to help you deal with your emotions, focus on your own immediate family and accept that there may not be any good or easy solutions.
    Do not go out of your way to ingratiate yourself with your new SIL. A formal and polite relationship is good enough for now.
     
  6. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    @soulful,

    Chill! It is time to get wise and be like a lotus leaf. Don't wallow in self-pity or try to go out of your way to make your presence felt. Let your relationship with your s-i-l normalise over a period of time. Allow it to go through it's own natural cycle.

    I know how it must be hurting you, I guess most people go through such phases in life. Develop an attitude of nonchalance and simply shrug; look around with a fresh outlook, you will find a million interesting things which you had forgotten to notice till now. Go for a nice holiday and pamper yourself and your hubby.

    I am convinced that deep inside all are selfish to the core and everyone tries to secure themselves first and think about others later. It takes tremendous effort and practice to be impartial, selfless and altruistic. After all, parents are also simple ordinary individuals. Accept them for whatever they are and let go. Make some effort, you will better your thoughts and feelings a little more in the coming days.

    Looking at the situation positively, as @SpritualSoul pointed out, perhaps your mother is defining boundaries to reduce unnecessary friction in the coming days. Appreciate her managerial skill and maintain the distance.

    Smile! All the best.:thumbup:
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018 at 8:48 PM
  7. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Gold IL'ite

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    Oh dear I feel you.. It's not easy to deal what you are dealing.
    One : Generally mommies support daughters more than daughter in law. Your case seems to a other way and I wonder why your mom did that . Unless there's something which has really upset her or her love for her son might have made her blind towards you. You can't do much about others, even if it's your mommy. So you need to stop giving them much space in your head ,for time being at least until things slowly start changing.
    Two : Next time the moment you feel you are abandoned ,can you challenge your mind and say "NO I AM NOT ABANDONED " .In the same way how you have said above 3 times . Yes you are abandoned (maybe) but don't take your thoughts that way. Instead try to think other way for I believe you are married and have a beautiful life outside your mom and brother's life.
    3) And you don't have to tolerate humiliation dear . Stand up for yourself in a assertive way. The relationship with SIL need not be very close relationship. Balance it out to keep a good terms with her . If she still humiliates you ,there's no harm in not keeping a relationship at all with her. After all it's not above yourself. And with your brother again be there when he comes to you :) If he doesn't come to you still be okay with it.

    You are not alone, nor you are abandoned :) think about it.
     
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  8. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Why brother’s don’t have major problems with sisters husband? Because their expectation is less. Please remove this sentimental attachment and expectations.

    Dear - try this for a month. Just forgive your SIL and her parents. Even your parents. We are all humans. We all make mistakes. Forgive humanness. For one month, just show love to all these people without expecting anything in return. Even if they don’t get it, it’s okay. Just show love. Don’t expect. Love change humans. I have a brother too. I do this often with my brother too. It helps. There were times my sil avoided to speak with me when she has issues with my mom. I never talk bad about my sil to mom too. I completely understood her behaviour towards me, just respected her privacy. But whenever I talk to my brother, I enquire about my sil and ask him to pass on my love to her. After few months, my sil would call enquire how I am doing and talk to me. Love and positivity never hurts. Expectation hurts. At the end, there is some karmic reason why your sil is your brothers wife. Consider everything as a gift from god. Just show love. In fact I advise my mom the same when she complains about my sil. Expectation is not unconditional love. In Unconditional love - there is no judgement. Only love.

    Ball is in your court still dear. Just love them. Pray for them. After all we are all god’s children. When your call your brother or parents, enquire about sil. Just break the ice. Go to their home, buy gifts for her. Ask her how her parents are doing. Don’t be expect anything in return. There is nothing wrong in being magnanimous. God will gift you - ie. inner happiness. Result of true Forgiveness is inner happiness.

     
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  9. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    I’m really sorry you feel abandoned
    But the above statement shows you had some kind of importance in his life. Now his wife has come you feel lost. This is normal like when second kid comes first kid feels less important. But there are ways to make this situation better. Your brother is a adult. He is more than capable of making decisions in his life. You should give him the freedom not asking him to choose between you and his wife.
    How is your married life ? Do you have friends ? You shoudn't depend on them for support system unless you are going through personal crisis in married life.

    To some extent your mom is correct that you like to be in self pity mode. There is no reason for you to take all the abuse . I think your mom knows your nature . Maybe it is time for you to work on this. You need to work on your self respect and self esteem. Since you are allowing people to walk over you , it is time for you to work on fixing that . This seems to be the root cause of all other problems.
    I don't know the exact situation but maybe your mom didn't want the situation to become worst so she asked to move out. Once brother gets married his wife will have a upper hand in who stays as guest.
    You are confused not abandoned. Take a step back. Process your emotions. Give space to brother and his wife to setup their married life. Just focus on yourself . I'm sure things will fall into places in no time.

    Mangaii
     
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  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is something that is expected in most marriages. Even if it isn't explicitly stated the wife comes in with this expectation.

    I've been told the above by my DH. My family still has their place by he is my #1 priority and vice versa. Just because she comes first now doesn't mean any of the above. Your brother is still your brother. He isn't the kid brother who needs your attention anymore but he's still your brother.

    After marriage, FOO are the second layer of support after the spouse. Are you having a reasonable relationship with your spouse? If you do, then that's your rock. You probably were alone in the past but leave all that in the past. Right now, your first circle is your own family - spouse and kids. Everyone else should come next. Looks like you make them your priority and then get hurt in the process. Try to make your first circle smaller in your own mind. It will help you.

    A good starting point will be to accept that there are mothers who aren't perfect. The idea of forgiving your own Mom is hard for you because your own mom isn't supposed to ask you to leave as soon as the wedding is solemnized. Accept that there are mothers who can take sides and can pick son and DIL over daughter, for whatever reason. Once you expect that the ideal parents aren't always ideal, it will be ease to tone down your expectations and not get hurt by expecting from Mom.
    Forgiveness is for you not for her. If you need to move on and switch your priorities and change your circle you need to forgive. Do it when you are ready and make yourself your first priority.

    Since it's been a few years since his marriage, what have you or your brother done to maintain your relationship? Your relationship to SIL is through your brother and vice versa. If you've tried to treat SIL as a friend etc and it hasn't been reciprocated, then there isn't much you can do to have a rapport with her. Just maintain ties with your brother and let her decide how much of a relationship she wants with you. Seems like you and she have had issues during their marriage itself and later. It's probably not a good idea to go on trying because I'm not sure you are going to get anything out of it.
     
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