Troubled relation with foo. Need urgent help

Friends,

i want to disclose that chapter of my life that I rarely discuss with my real life friends. Since this forum provides the benefit of anonymity, I am hoping to find a solution to my problem.
As mentioned in my prior posts, I was married off at a young age and had a child. Mine was an arranged marriage and we both are not a very good match in terms of culture, behavior, outlooks, interests, thoughts. I am adjusting and living for the sake of my child. Currently 7 years into this marriage.

coming to my problem, I have a tough mom. She has always shown tough love on me. I will try to articulate my problem but I am not in the best frame of my mind. Don't know where to start but my problem with my mom has aggravated since my teens and more after my marriage.

when I was 17 years old, my mother found a boy for me. Yuck I was not even close to being ready for marriage at 17. I wanted to study work , earn and live an independent life like my friends wanted. I turned down that proposal. But my mom didn't give in and she started pestering me with emotional blackmails, silent treatments, hate words , crying, not eating etc etc. I didn't give in. Then she found another trick. She found bizarre tricks like deliberately leaving that guy and me alone, forcing me to dress up well in front of him, forcing me to give him tea, coffee. This guy worked in my dad,s factory and so he often came to my home. Forcing me to sit next to him in the car. I really felt this as a torture. Often my attempts to convince my mother not to harass me like this mostly ended up in fights and months long silent treatment. She had lied so many things about this guy to me and she does not think she was wrong in doing so.

Luckily this guy got married to another girl when I was 19 years old. He was 10 years older than me. My mother threw a fit when she heard of his marriage but I didn't give in to her fit. Again , between my 19 years and 21 years , two other similar instances happened and she continued to harass me for marriage. I didn't give in and focused on my studies. It was such a hell of a time for me. I completed my degree when I was 21 years and by then my now husband,s proposal came. I was emotionally drained out, completely exhausted against my mother and finally agreed to this proposal. My mother was very happy but I was internally not do happy. Just that I didn't have the energy to face the silent treatments, hate words of her anymore.

Slowly after my marriage got fixed, ego clashes started creeping up between my mother and my mil. They started hating each other. My bil, sil, husband teamed up with my Mil and my father, brother, sister teamed up with my mother. There used to be so much of hate and sarcasm between both parties during each and every ceremony. Because of this I wanted to break my engagement but again my mother did not allow me to do so. The reason why she didn't allow me to do so was because she didn't want the liability ( daughter with broken engagement) back on her lap.

My marriage hall was like a war zone between two parties - internally they hated each other and externally they behaved super righteous holier than thou souls. When I got married and entered their house, they are hated me so much. My mil, bil, fil, sil, h, all of them, they hated me so much. Taunts and sarcasm in each and every sentence they spoke to me. They insulted me on each and everything. I went to my mother for a crying shoulder. My mother consoled me but only to serve her interests. My husband soon got a posting in USA and we came here. She started hating me nd my husband even more. Every time on the phone my mother insulted USA. Taunts like on cheap people come to USA, only scumbags live here in USA, always commented badly on my pictures. Maligned my husband,s name among relatives. My husband completely stopped talking to my mother. This insulted my mother further and infuriated her hate towards him. I was not in a position to convince either of them.


It was my first pregnancy and she came to USA to help me with my first child. Oh my god, everyday was a war zone between her and my husband. She created such false stories about my husband. She even went to the extent of telling all relatives what condoms my husband used. She used rush to our bedroom every day morning first thing on the pretext of cleaning up. Should I tell her a word not to clean my bed room, she would start crying forever. On the other end my husband didn't give her due respect and did not even acknowledge her presence in our home. My mother insulted on our furniture, vessels, number of bedrooms, neighborhood in USA, you name it. My husband used to hit back on each of her insults and she expected me to go and silence my husband.

It was too much for me to handle. I could not enjoy my child,s birth at all. She made it like a funeral. I slipped into post partum depression. I could never take good care of my child even after she left. My husband thought I abetted my mother and so he never thought about treating my depression. Because of my depression and my inability to take care of my child, my child starting having terrible problems at school. My child's psychological problems awakened my husband. He got me treated and my child treated too. My child is now recovering and I am now fully recovered now from my depression. My mother rejoiced the news of my child having trouble at school. The therapist helped me a lot and asked me to cut off all contact with my mother. About 2 years ago, I did not cut off contact but maintained minimal contact with her and not letting out any information to her.

My mother soon realized the sidelined treatment I was giving her, she wanted to take revenge for my treatment. So she started sidelining me for any family events. Like she did not disclose about my brother,s marriage to me. She told me the day before his marriage. I was in USA and how can I go to India in a day. She told my about my bah hi,s pregnancy after my child was born. She has instructed my brother and sister not to talk to me. When my father talks to me over the phone, I can clearly listen that she is instructing my father to hang up soon. She never comes on the phone and talks to me. So my father asked me to go to India for vacation. I am too scared to go back to India. I am scared that my psychological and my child,s problems may relapse again. So both my mother and father have created such bad image about me, that I am one of those kids who will push their parents to old age home and still live happily. All our relatives pity my parents and send hate mails to me that I am do ungrateful to my parents.

is there any way I can get this straightened out. Saying sorry will not help. I have tried it before. I feel I don't have any support at all. I feel I am all alone fighting a losing battle. How to make her understand that life is too short to waste it in hate.

 

Thanks!!

I can change for her but I don't want to cut off relationship with all my family members. I have written those incidences that have hurt me. My parents took care of me, paid my school fees, raised me- how can i forget them. Can you cut off relation with your parents so easily? I really want to have a happy relation with them like all other people around me have with their parents. I really cannot figure out where things have gone wrong between me and them. Why things have turned this sour. I cannot cannot cannot cut my ties with them. I don't have another set of parents to turn to. I just have only them. Who else do I have in this world apart from them.

I do have a job.

All her tricks were disguised as concern. Not till my therapy sessions i was able to realize this. Each of her sentence begins with 'I am your mother and I mean well for you. Everyone in my home thinks so too. People in my home think I harassed my mother because i refused marriage that early. People in my home think that I and my husband did not respect my mother during my pregnancy and we just used her. My delivery was somewhat complex and I used to be home all the time. She has gone back and complained that shame on us - we didn't take her anywhere in US. She was always within 4 walls. I really wanted her to see NYC, west coast and all but I never had the energy with a new born child to make such trips. She only said she'll come for my delivery, I didn't invite her. She paid the air fare so she was insulting us on that. I realized that and so I gave her equal amount return gifts like watch, cell phone, clothes, and jewelery. For all this she went and told in India that we gave all this to her for we thought her to be a maid taking care of me during my delivery.

She is now outcasting me from my own family. what wrong have i done i dont understand