Trouble in Paradise - Again!!

iyerponnu · Jan 27, 2012

Tanoshii

In more ways tahn one, you and I are in the same boat!! My in-laws still think of my husband as the 'sweet little boy with loads of curls'!!! Well that sweet little boy is now almost 38 and his curls are slowly giving way to his forehead! But no, if I say that, they will say 'No matter what he is still our little baby'. It can be frustrating to live with someone who has to recite his daily activities to the parents bit by bit. And then to hear that we have not given them a grand child!! My mom-in-law does not taunt me directly, but instead she will say things like people dont respect her, people neglect her, all because she is not a grand mother yet! I used to take it in stride earlier on, but off late it is really annoying me.. she, as a woman does not realise that after many years of trying, I would feel frustrated too. Ooof all that apart, you need to concentrate on yourself first. Get out of the house more often. Dont know which part of London you live, but go out, ie if you are not working, to the library. Go to you local high street.. just get out of the house. It seemed to help me a lot!

Stop talking about trying for a baby. Maybe you are freaking your husbnad out with tall that. Just talk about everything else. Concentrate on getting back into shape. A tip my doctor gave me was to forget about trying for a baby, but focus on losing weight.. this seems to have helped a lot of people.

One more word of caution, if you are seeing a Gynaecologist at your local hospital (or the Sub fertility clinic) then I would not advise you to go to India to continue with the treatment. Somehow the idea doesnt go well with the doctors here. (At least in my experience). Have you been referred to the specialist by your GP?

Mythili

tanoshii · Jan 27, 2012

Thanks for your reply Mythili.

What you said about staying here is absolutely right.
I've been on this guilt trip for so long, its taking me a while to get back to normal.

Totally agree about the "grandma club". I not depriving them the joy on purpose. I guess I really have to cool it a little more and really concentrate on the weight issues at hand.

Going out has never been an issue for me..in the past couple of years I've been out too much if that is even possible..lol I live on top of the local library and it just creeps in every now and then as if I'm getting nowhere..Coming this far seems like good enough now.

And yeah, I've been with the specialist for about 5 months now. And like I mentioned in my other TTC post, I guess I'll push it a little harder this time to get to the next stage in the treatment. Even the follicular tracking got through cos I actually taunted them..lol I said "This is what I am supposed to do next according to my doc in India. I am here to talk and know if that is possible here and now, else I'll find other means."

I guess I should start channelling all the unspent energy from the silly tiffs with my husband to the doc to get things done..lol At least that is what dear hubby seems to think..lol

I hope you too get to the end of the TTC soon hon. And it was wonderful to talk about all this ..Thanks

tanoshii · Feb 1, 2012

I'm back with another thing that is nagging me. Am not sure if I am over reacting to this either.

Is it normal that my husband has no friends at all? It bugs me so bad that he does not really talk to anyone. He talks to me about work and I try to get him to talk about our home or relatives or anything for that matter. Just to make him feel that he should be able to communicate his troubles and not be a closed book.

In all our years of marriage, I've never seen him comfortably interacting with someone or anyone he can confide in. Not colleagues, friends from school or even cousins. Not even with his own parents. His parents tell me that he's been that way "myself and my own business" for as long as they've known him.

Now coming to my point. Two days back, we were talking and he mentioned that there's something in his head that he is not able to talk about or even pin point as to what it is. It keeps him from being free and be able to see things clearly in life. This is not the first time he's saying this. I've always told him he can talk to me. If that were not possible, he can talk to some friend of his or to his parents/cousin or anyone he's comfortable with, just to let things out, like I do here or with my girl friends. I am not that possessive to demand that he has to be committed to me only when it comes to letting off steam. And I understand he can't tell me anything and everything. I also suggested individual counselling. We tried it twice and they all come out saying he was so good pouring everything out.

And I know for a fact, what he pours out is just general worries and he seems to have an answer about all of it by himself. Both of us know he does not discuss the real thing that is nagging him cos he claims he does not what it is. Is that normal?

I am this worried cos this is what kept him on with his **** addiction. And now he's so addicted to the online business and in all, nothing good has come out of it. He finds means or I'd say excuses to escape from trouble without wanting to find a solution for it.

Our physical relationship and now more importantly our TTC is getting affected every time cos that something is restricting him physically too. He himself has said it a few times in the past and said it 2 days back too. He knows and tells me that there are things running in his mind all the time and he is troubled by it. But in all these 8.5 years, he's not willing to seek solution to it.

I just feel so exhausted and tired of trying to let go of it, as if its nothing and move on. Last night I opened the topic very slowly and he said its just his nature, like any normal habit or behaviour to be like that. He does not get angry or aggressive in any manner when I talk to him about it. He just remains to calm and sometimes looks guilty about something and neither of us know what or why. Its his total lack of emotions ( if it is really so or I see it like it), that scares me.

He is also terribly negative about a lot of things. He has changed a lot in the past few years, though the pace of change was rather slower than a snail. I am not expecting him to be a different man altogether when he wakes up tomorrow morning, but I am just so exhausted trying to be positive. It physically drains me. After I try to explain things to him (many times like he's a 2 year old, and he seems to like it), I get so irritated and at times with him arguing illogically, I actually feel like all my energy is draining out of me. I just can't do anything after that and I want to sleep all the rest of my days off. I really don't know what we've been doing all this while as husband and wife.

I spoke to his parents about it in case they could talk to him and make him feel more reassured about life. But all I get back is its like that in his horoscope and they can't do much about it. In fact they crib about his petty behaviours to me and never talk to him!! I have never seen them with him, being serious about anything in life. Its like they gave birth and just let him be...some times it feels like cattle would care more. Caring about your child is not just taking care of his basic needs and getting him settled, it goes a long way with being around when ever they are needed. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I have no clue how to handle this now. We are supposed to be living a stress free life to help me get pregnant. But all this is creating so much havoc physically and emotionally and all of a sudden I feel like I am in such a mess. I have read many posts on IL. And I do accept that bringing a baby into a dysfunctional marriage is not a good idea. But we are so far ahead with everything, TTC and fertility treatments on one side and our own troubles on the other, I don't know what to do next.
I have tried talking to him in the calmest way possible. And I mean I try real hard..but it all seems so difficult and impossible for me to put up with any more. Its just such excruciating pain to create and stay with stupid and petty troubles when you can get rid of them.

tanoshii · Feb 1, 2012

PS. I was so worked up all morning. I slept till late, did not bother to cook or clean and just went out to a couple of friends' place and just came back. But yes, I am still annoyed and it feels like something we have to consider seriously now and take steps before things get worse.

Its like I'm on the edge of the cliff trying to make this marriage work, but even if it did survive, I can't stop myself from jumping off cos its just drained the life out of me.

SSC · Feb 1, 2012

Tanoshii,
I dont have the age or experience to give advises to u. But here are my 2 cents:

When you are upset with someone, even the smallest of things, get magnified. For now, let the whole thing pass. You be chilled out, go out and meet friends (as you are already doing), take things easy, work out at they gym, be happy for the moment - as in, if you are with a friend, your mind should be there, and you should be able to laugh whole-heartedly. If you are able to do all these, put a few things at the back of your mind, right now. Well, when things get too much to you, go for counselling. But until then, your mind is working over-time. Just sit back and relax. Everything will fall in place, sooner than later. Good luck!

tanoshii · Feb 2, 2012

I wish I could relax SSC. I am trying real hard. But its getting more and more difficult.
I try talking to him every now and then about these things and reassure him that we have people around to take care of us and that all these negative thoughts are getting us nowhere.
If it were a simple thing I'd really have let go of it. But all this addiction and this wall he has in his head, it has affected us enough in the past. I am just frustrated about having to deal with it over and over again. I am happy when I go out with him too. But that is not everything. He seems to see it that way.

He claims we had a lovely weekend out so I should not complain when he sits all night on the computer while I am in the middle of my cycle and we are supposed to be trying. What logic is that? And how can I be assured that he is committing himself to me, to my need for a child. This scares me a lot more thinking what he'd be like after we have a child. People say he will change, I really hope so. But I can't seem to trust him a 100%.

I am pouring everything out here cos I am not able to discuss these things with people back home. His parents think he's always right. In fact his mom thinks since he has a child according to his horoscope, I should not even bother going to the doc to have myself checked. It will happen when it happens and I am supposed to wait until then. I've told her so many times he needs to be talked to. He did not want to be anywhere near me for about 4 years of our marriage and now its an ordeal making him understand the next step of things.
My parents are over anxious and my mom suggested almost 2 years ago that I should just forget him and move back with them. She mentioned divorce and at first I said that would be the best thing for both of us. After giving it some time to think, I was so shocked at everything. How could she just break my marriage like that? She still has problems with my dad and they are willing to deal with it. She should be supporting me emotionally and tell me these things will pass. But she tends to get over emotional and I have to sit and console her.

Its like no one understands the exact magnitude of these problems and the stress I face cos of their interference or non-interference. God I really pray I still have the courage to live this life if at all, eventually, I do have a child.

deepa10 · Feb 2, 2012

Hi Tanoshi,

Did you tell him how this is affecting you?
Ask him whether he really needs a child or does he have any other plans?
Tell him how much you are disturbed mentally and to what extent it makes you think about marriage. Say him that you want to set a timeline for all this and if he is not going to change, then you have to look for other options. (Now, use this just to see his reaction). When you talk so, he must know what pain you are undergoing.

Next time he asks you out for weekend, tell him NO! Tell him you are not expecting any more outing, you are done with all enjoyment with him and now what you want is a baby to spend your time with. May be you are being too soft in explaining him.. Try in a little hard way to make him get your point.

You have put loads of efforts already.. So, please try and hold on for some more time, you are yet to yield the fruit, dont give away the hope!

tanoshii · Feb 2, 2012

Your last sentence is the only reason I am trying dear. He's known all of it for all of our married life and some how is not willing to change and is so afraid of responsibility that he is just hiding from it all. He already talks about not having more than one child cos that would not fit our current financial status and lifestyle.
I offered separation quite a few times and told him if that would make things easy among us, its important to be practical than sentimental when the two of us have two very different priorities in life. But again, his only response is he needs me. Its more like we've lived together long enough and can't imagine a life otherwise.

I will try holding on, and hope for the best.
But thank you all for your comforting words.

Neha1911 · Feb 3, 2012

Tanoshi I sympathise with you very much however, it is my observation that the majority of Indian men find themselves seeking comfort of other women online mainly because they can't find the comfort at home as a result of such issues as quarelling wives, pressure from parents, complicated in-laws and then having to deal with pressures of their over demanding jobs. After observing that the vast majority of Indian men drown themselves on the internet to get away from us Indian women, I thinking that maybe we need to analyze ourselves and possibly make some changes, or else we will be at the losing end without even knowing it, as is the case with majority of Indian women nowadays who think they know their husband well, but really don't.