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Travails Of A Would-be Father

Discussion in 'Pregnancy & Labor' started by Greenbay, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    This is an attempt to re-live my pain, my joy and my every day saga along with my wife's pain, joy and everyday saga till Oct 12..

    Doctor says DW completed 20 weeks 6 days. She has waited 11 years 23 weeks 6 days (That is how long we are married) to hear these words. Relief/Joy is an understatement to describe what we are currently going through.

    I am not a believer in good luck charm but my wife is. She thinks that since I started posting regularly from January in IndusLadies and then when her prayers were answered. She prods me to post here atleast once a week since she confirmed the pregnancy.

    I am not a believer in God either but I am sensitive guy (for a change and for a male). I have come close to quit this board several times especially when there were allegations like I am a divide-conquer guy. I have nothing to gain by dividing the peaceful women community here but same time I want my wife to finally fulfill her hope of becoming a mother.

    This week is when we start planning when to disclose it to her employer, how much paternity leave my company provides etc etc

    People who had issues in conceiving and holding a baby of their own can understand the agony we are undergoing..Is disclosing now too soon or if something bad will happen if we disclose?

    More later.
     
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  2. Lalaloopsy

    Lalaloopsy New IL'ite

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    Congrats to both of you!

    Scientifically, there is no connection between posting on ILs and conceiving. In fact, if you spend more time on ILs you risk doing it at the cost of your family time. So, if there is a correlation between posting on ILs and conceiving, if at all , it’s indirect . Higher the time spent here, lower the chances of conceiving, technically. So, you shd not worry about your tenure here and having a baby, IMHO. In fact, it’s better if you focus on taking care of her right now in her very important phase instead of on responding to posts.

    Nothing bad will happen, but if you are superstitious , don’t disclose now.
     
    Thyagarajan, Greenbay and shravs3 like this.
  3. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    Courage always doesn't roar! (Part 1)

    She was a diminutive woman who weighed probably 90 lbs and measured probably 5 ft. But the lack of height/weight didn't diminish her capacity in doing all the household work and caring 3 kids aged 9,7.5,5.5 mostly by herself.

    It was one of the weekday busy mornings. All the kids were sent to school, then she packed her husband's lunch carrier and waved him when he started his scooter.
    The small sink on the corner was brimming with all breakfast dishes, cups, glasses. Bucket nearby had soaked soiled clothes.

    She had to finish those chores first and then return to stitching the dresses before kids returned from school as Diwali was just around the corner. She was a skilled tailor, so used to stitch all the new dresses for the entire family. Her husband was the lone(lucky) person who was excused and was allowed to buy readymade clothes or clothes stitched by a male tailor. Any amount of work didn't tire her petite figure as she was blessed with boundless energy and mild smile was a permanent fixture on her face.

    That morning was not an usual morning. She was just done with her dishes and washing clothes. She heard the knock on the door and saw a police constable asking her to come to 2 kms away govt. hospital and get on the autorickshaw immediately. He just asked her to be courageous and didn't share any details. She was not sure if one of her kids fell sick while going to school or her husband had an accident. She kept her brave smiling face. But the facade of bravery was lost when doctors said his was spot death and they were sorry they could not do anything. At the age of 29, she became a widow but with 3 young kids to care for. Grief was killing her inwardly but outwardly she put a brave front again.

    She didn't think of death. She didn't openly cry either.She had to pick the pieces from scratch. She had an older brother who was willing to take her to his town where her parents lived. Husband's side relatives offered sympathy too. His office was willing to give her an entry level clerk job. Deceased husband's job was not a government job and not a very high paying one either. She set aside his insurance, settlement money aside for future education expenses.

    But she had decisions to make.Take up a low paying job and be away from home 8:30 to 5:30 and sometimes even 6:00 and let kids manage themselves. Older Kids school started at 8:00 and ended at 4:00. Youngest child's school was from 8:30 to 1:30. So she has to rely on somebody's help. She didn't want to burden her parents. In-laws stayed in village and after initial sympathy had not contacted her much. She calculated again. If she stays home and continue to take tailoring work from outsiders, may be she will make same money as her clerical job. She can continue the tailoring once kids are fed and sit for their homework. She decided that she will be a tailor than office clerk in a private organization. She was good in making snacks too. May be during festival and marriage occasions, she will prepare snacks, sweets and get supplemental income from that as well. In lean months, may be she will dip from the savings.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018
  4. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    Courage always doesn't roar! (Part 2)

    Deciding to become a tailor and a part-time-cook for others was easy but executing was not. So far, She had stitched only for her family but for others, she had to upgrade her skills, she had to learn new blouse patterns, embroidary and patch work. She didn't get any tailoring orders for boys and men. Sometimes work was to just stitch saree falls which paid very less. Some ladies were specific that she hand stitch the falls and not use machine. One thing she taught kids was to assist her in her tailoring work and household work. She will take measurements, one kid will note down the details and due date. Other kid will help her in stitching the buttons or see if the cooking is done. At age 10, 8, 6, they started acquiring skills beyond their years. Her hardwork and her work ethics were paying off, she was making enough money to sustain the family's needs and not to dip from her savings. If fate had stolen her husband prematurely, she was compensated with good kids. They learnt to cope with father's loss and help her in her crusade.

    Making snacks was not an easy one either especially if the tailoring orders and snack orders piled up during festive season. Neighborhood homes were aware of the background she had decided to become an entrepreneur, so were sympathetic but orders didn't always come from just neighbors. She had earned reputation due to her work ethic of not missing a date , so now she was afraid to break that reputation for the fear of losing business. That meant more hard work and more longer work hours. But she was one courageous woman!
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018
    Mistt, Anusha2917, Afresh and 3 others like this.
  5. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    Congratulations to both of you .. for employer I have disclosed it after 6 months .. no need to inform them soon your wife should get the maternity leave .. for relatives not until 5 th month .. this is what I did .. Its up to you can do as per your wife wish ..
     
    Thyagarajan and Greenbay like this.
  6. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    Protagonist in part 1 and 2 above is my dear mother who is no longer with us. It is 9 years since her death and this October 5 will be 10 years since her demise. DW believes that this is another good luck charm that dear mother wanted us to have happiness finally and she is blessing to happen in 10th year.

    We were married for 2 years and were busy in visiting places across US in long weekends and weekends. In twice-a-week calls, mother never forgot to mention to have one child first and then you can see places again. We both were 28 and married for 2 years and thought we had all the time in the world, so used to brush aside as usual mother's concern. We wanted to surprise her for Diwali and had booked the tickets. Plan was to be in India for Diwali and spend time with her and convince her to come and visit the following summer. She was not ready to come to US just like that. She used to say she will come for delivery, so give her good news. We convinced her that we will give her good news but she needs to be ready with visa/passport if good news comes. It was tough convincing her but my sisters did a good job that she has to visit once before she is too frail to walk around all tourist places as I had shared with them that most tourist places in US need plenty of walking to see all spots.

    We had gone to Maine on Labors day weekend and India trip was scheduled to start from October 18. Diwali in 2008 I believe started from Oct 26 or 27. Labors day weekend in Augusta was first time, my wife mentioned may be we should start thinking of starting the family. She was still working as research fellow but applying for teaching jobs and I had started in private sector recently , so our salaries were good but savings were not that great for someone to take a career break if the need be. In hindsight, I regret saying to her that let us wait till we are 30.

    Shopping was in full spree. Sisters had requested some items, wife always had good relationship with her SILs, so she had brought all the items they had requested and some more. Oct 5 was when the dreaded call came when we were least expecting.

    There is no event in my life that has the same impact and void my mother's death created.
     
    Thyagarajan, Afresh and VinuthaS like this.
  7. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Congrats, both of u. Life's events do not exactly happen as we wish. But, it is essential to carry on with courage, as your mother has so rightly proved in her lifetime. Wish you well for the future.
     
    Greenbay likes this.
  8. dc24

    dc24 Gold IL'ite

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    Congratulations brother!!!
     
    Greenbay likes this.
  9. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi ,
    Congratulations ! women do go superstitious a times , don’t bind that with logic as it has none .
    if it dsnt take much so what as she says .
    wishing her happy and healthy pragnancy :)
    hats off to your mother , and appreciate your appreciating her efforts too , i sincerely wish it was liekwiese when she was with you too .
     
    Thyagarajan, NeetaR and Greenbay like this.
  10. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    My mother, my hero, my inspiration!

    The first few months after her unexpected, untimely death and how I coped are blur to me. She was finally enjoying fruits of her 25 years long labor. So why now? Why all of a sudden? There were no hints of any illness. These were the only thoughts and I was like a zombie lost in such thoughts. Work was a savior for me along with my sympathetic wife who silently stood by me till I could recover from the deep grief.

    There were days in our childhood when mother had only saree falls to stitch and no tailoring work. Those were happy memories for me as there was no machine noise and she will tell stories while hand stitching the falls. Those were the nights she would advice us that education will take us far. Narrating tales from epics or some anecdotal experiences, she would tell us to aspire higher. All her morality teachings were on those nights. Naive me didn’t know that such occasions meant less money too but I realized that later in my teenage years. All 3 of us were above average in studies. But in my teenage years, I also had an inferiority complex about our financial status. I didn’t want to share where we lived or what our household did for our living with any of my friends. I also had thought that I should study commerce and join a bank and then study for CA on my own. How mother will manage all 3 of our education was a worry I constantly used to harbor. She sensed one day that I was being anxious, so that was the first time she shared that she has put all the settlement money in FD solely saved for our education. If we get merit seat in Engg or medical, she will be able to manage it. My sister #1 studied MCA after her BCA, second sister was planning to study BE but she didn’t get seat in CS. So she too ended up BCA route but instead of MCA, she studied MSc and joined a science college. She did PhD through her employer. I was good in maths and science but was not so good in languages and history, so was not ahead in class ranking. If history is taught how it is taught in US, probably I would have liked it but the govt.school I studied, my language and history teachers were downright pathetic. But my maths teacher was truly inspirational. He prodded me to become an engineer. When I was in engg.college, mother was making enough income to hire a helper for her stitching. That was also when my older sister started contributing part of her income. We were slowly moving away from poor class and elevating towards lower middle class. That is also when I aspired to study MS in US. How she got the mandatory amount to show in bank account is another example of her grit. If I am financially stable today, my mother’s role in that is undeniable. Her loss is still not fully digested by me even after all these years and may be fatherhood in few months might help ease that pain.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2018

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