tortured by dil

imnmil · Apr 28, 2015

I am an mil. I married my son 8 years back and my daughter less than 5 years back.My family loved and accepted the dil with open heart. I never tried to force anything on her like clothing, jobs etc. But the fact remains,

Since their marriage, my son started disliking his only sister, pointing out her and even her then fiance’s faults more and more. It breaks my heart to see how dil can break this brother-sister bond that had been the glory of my family and break my family.

As my dd has married in another culture, initially she had lot of problems adjusting there for an year or two and we as a family had responsibility towards her which we did, stabling her situation there and doing what it needs to do that. My son with the instigation of dil, started cribbing about what ‘sacrifice’ they had to do for his sister’s ‘choice’ for which according to my son, she herself should have been responsible, as if the family does not have anything.

My dd is very adjusting and has learnt a lot of things from her in-law’s culture. But my dil shows extra resistance to them. when I started cooking some food item I learnt from my dd for breakfast, lunch or dinner, all except dil enjoyed it. And dil showed as if I am forcing her. She can always make her own bf if she does not like ours, does not like to be with the family. I never stop her from doing that. But she makes faces if I feed my grand dd or even my own son with those food. She is even trying to take the entire kitchen from me so that only she has the say as to what would be cooked and i cannot cook what i want. She shows irritation if we try and speak with her a line or two in the language of my son in law which my dd is also fast picking up. Her attitude is very disappointing.

On the other hand her mother is a very interfering person. She took advantage of my absence for some time and then started giving unsolicited advice and almost tries to tell me what to do in my own son’s home when she came and if I react, dil makes it look as if I am insulting her mom and when my dd visited my son after that, she had the audacity to be absolutely callous to her presence. As if no one is here.
All these years things are only becoming worse.i have only one son who cannot say anything to his wife and sees his mother suffer silently. dil pretends love for me and my husband infront of son by giving us gifts etc on occasions or showing as if she cares about my husband's diabetics etc. so son thinks she loves us and only we criticise her always.

Keet · Apr 28, 2015

A stitch in time saves nine. Time for nuclear family.

cheenu123 · Apr 28, 2015

I never tried to force anything on her like clothing, jobs etc

So what? Is that a favor? Who in the first place has given you the right to judge her based on her clothes/job?

CrayoNess · Apr 28, 2015

Time to gently kick the couple out to their own home ...

imnmil · Apr 28, 2015

CrayoNess said: ↑

Time to gently kick the couple out to their own home ...
Click to expand...

the home we live is bought by son. Earlier we lived in rented houses. We have other places though. If necessary we can go there. My husband spend all money for children and didn't buy our own home. And now this is the return. Son says you live here, this is your house. If necessary we will go to rented house. This is what dil wants. She wants to leave her elderly in laws alone and enjoy life with husband. and it is so sad that my son is a joru ka ghulam. It breaks my heart. I am sure God will repay dil with a similar situation in future.

soni1987 · Apr 28, 2015

I am really sorry to know your situation at this time. But, it might be true that not all MIL can be cruel and not all DIL can be nice too.

But i suggest being mature and an understanding MIL you should start thinking of a way out from this problems...

You can shift to a nearby place probably next to ur DS if you wish to stay close to him...once you start staying seperately things will start falling in place slowly... Children love their parents to stay with them but some like it only until certain age.. After some time when they have their own family - wife & children they also will have their own wishes and dreams..

Regarding financial problems caused.. yes no daughter in law will like to get financial problems from from SIL sides or even emotional problem which may cause trouble in their marriage...

In my case also my MIL is nice not dominating and all but still at sometimes we feel uncomfortable to stay with them due to irrational comments etc. I have also made it clear to my DH that once we shift India permanently we but two houses next to next and will stay separately even though my MIL is single.. FIL died 8 yrs back... We will stay close so that she can reach for help and can meet us whenever she wants..
My SIL also had Love marriage but their marriage is unsuccessful due to which she keeps on disturbing us every fortnight for help which is very stressful and intolerable.

Some Tips :

Never praise your DD in front of ur DIL as you did in this forum ... i can see only praises and sacrifises made by you DD is mentioned. (Even if you are not doing intentionally this may cause rift and competing feeling in your DIL mind and will make her feel low)

Let he handle kitchen, DIL taking care of cooking is good for you .. you can rest..
I dont understand this MIL's attitute of taking entire kitchen attitude.. Kitchen is not taken by anyone it is in its place as always.. if you dont like what your DIL prepares go n make something else ... What big deal.

Ur DS attitude... can't comment on this as understanding mens are not my cup of tea anymore..notdonesmiley

These were just suggestions ... hence dont take it personally ... thanks

Shanvy · Apr 28, 2015

imnmil said: ↑

the home we live is bought by son only. Earlier we lived in rented houses. We have other properties though. If necessary we can go there. My husband spend all money for children and didn't buy our own home. And now this is the return. This is what dil wants. She wants to leave her elderly in laws alone and enjoy life with husband. and it is so sad that my son is a joru ka ghulam. I am sure God will repay dil with a similar situation in future.
Click to expand...

imnmil welcome to this forum. i am not going to discuss whether what your dil is right or not or what your son is doing is right.

i would just say now don't do this.. that god will repay her with similar situation. why if your dil suffers, your son will also suffer. aap bhi kabhi bahu they/you were also a dil once upon a time.

if your son has invested a lot into making your daughter's marriage stable, maybe your dil has a different view...(I presume the marriage happened after your son's marriage)

I would only take this post to say, do what you want to help your kids, but our kids are not our budape kah sahara/retirement fund. the main issue here is because your son is now your anchor for leading your life.

i am not supporting any relationship. i am trying to highlight, that it is high time parents, think about self sustainability in their old age, and spend only what they can do for the kids..investing emotionally and financially 100% and expecting the same back is not possible..we don't see it happening..exceptions are there..

and if your husband is getting a pension or you have a nest egg, why not give some space between the two families..

Soch · Apr 28, 2015

Hi,

I just wanted to say this, you DIL may be right or you may be, but please don't tell that GOD will repay it. At your age this is very bad to say, if she is suffering your own son will also be right. Its like you giving sabam to them, please don't do that. Words will sometime comes true. Please don't do that..

In anger we tend to tell this but by experience and age we all should stop doing that.

I wanted to put some wording I saw recently, but not getting it. Will post once I remember that.

imnmil · Apr 28, 2015

my son gives us money. dil too wants to show and so gives money sometimes. Though we have said that we don't want dil money. Son does not say directly but hints at times that he and dil will continue giving the same money if they move out. But do they think we want their money? I have a daughter too, who is in no way less than my son. I don't need the money from son if he cannot do as much as give company to his old parents.

Lalita123 · Apr 28, 2015

I will suggest, to just stop talking about your daughter for a while and call her when dil is not around. Spend some time with your grandkids, let he "take over the kitchen and cook for the whole family" and you can make some morning or afternoon tea for everyone and even invite her if she wants to sit with you and watch TV while sipping tv.

Tell her, you want to buy her a saree for her birthday or whatever function is coming up.your son might not be johru ka gulam but may he is not liking something. Why dont you and your son have a talk alone.

If any of this doenst work out, you should move out and stay at some different place. Make no or minimum contact with your son. Buy an insurance for your hospital expenses if you can.

And if in future you are unwell or something, count on your daughter.Because she will never ever say no.

I wonder why people still fancy to have son.