torture by husband on h4 visa

Is it possible for you to sit with him and make him apply for job ?
You can take him to some financial advisor and make him understand the need to make money.
Looks like he is procrastinating finding job and feels comfortable sitting at home. Instead of analyzing why work on what. Motivation in right direction is all he needs.

 

Try to have a heart to heart talk with him, instead of forcing him to apply for jobs. What are your expectations of one another? Are they the same expectations with which you entered the marriage? Does he talk about his furture plans on employment? Not vague ideas like "I might get this or that". Some clear plans what to do if he did get a job in next six months, or should he try applying for a different kind of job etc. It might take only few minutes but talk about it when he is calm and you are calm. Tell him you need a resolution to move forward in life so that your family will have financial security. Sometimes all he might need is a little push. Since you tried the arguing and other ways (I assume) try talking nice.

I agree on some points with mangaii, but sitting and hovering over his shoulder while he applies for job or apply for him might back fire. if he gets an interview he might not go to attend it. we all have a tendency to " not do what we are told". I know I am defiant when someone "advises" me to do something, even if it is the truth. Find ways to push him the right amount so that he will will realize what you are trying to tell him. Giving ultimatums only makes things worse.

 

Hi OP,
You and I seem to sail in the same boat except that i am going through the dilemma after 20+ years of marriage and there are lot of similarities in the situations that you want to happen and I am going through.

I have been working, running a house, planning finances and everything that is done by a man in patriarchal society. It was my chosen path as that was the only way, i could bring some semblance to the tumultuous relationship that we have been endearing since 24 years mostly troubled by external forces (MIL/SIL/FIL) than our own individual issues.

However offlate, i see a change in the approach and attitude that my husband has acquired trying to become altogether a new person - with that male ego. I could take all the challenges and what not considering that I have two children (my daughter and my husband). He cannot discipline my engg studying daughter and this is risking my daughter's safety and studies and at the same time doesn't align to the thought process or solutions i suggest.

I see few things coming into play - one his own self and questioning his own identity , second - having grown up in a constrained /strict disciplinarian father , he has evolved himself as complete opposite of that and not even doing what is base minimum for a college girl father , third finances - being in a govt job, his salary being less - he was happy when i took the onus of running the household from my salary, his only saving through out was his provident fund and he couldn't dabble in shares or real estate, though he had the acumen and fore vision.

He never can do anything that his parents say no to - he has crossed 50 but still can't cross. And at the same time, he is hurt when he sees all his classmates who were less ranked in terms of his college days - buy flats, SUVs, plots or made some bold decisions. So there is some identity crisis that's stirring him up and i am fine with that, but that is causing more harm than good in terms of daughter;s studies and future. And that is where i am unable to take it as I was fine, he not doing duties of a husband, bread winner and what not. In the process of being supportive, loving and doting father, he has hurt my soul multiple times in this year and that too on days like my father's death anniversary or mother's birthday. And doing that in front of a grown up daughter and ignoring all the energies that have gone to come this far in life. My daughter being intelligent, knows how to get her way as eventually it becomes a thing of i have given the permission and what will be my value if you object /say no. This time, first time in life, putting aside my principles and values, i am following a certain behavior of things like not cooking , not talking to either of them. I hate it , but i am deeply heart as well-as it could be last nail on the coffin mentally and literally. My age, health issues, my work (been in IT in last 15 years in my overall 20 years of experience) make me feel burnt out and have started expecting my husband to be per his age and how men/father/husband are all around.

Coincidentally - i came to this forum in search of some sort of solace and don't know why i picked up this thread.. Both of us are in India...may be we had to cross paths... So, to summarize - if they pickup their own identity and start doing certain things also will cause problems. So you need to be watchful and strike a balance, unless, you want to go separate with your daughter. If that's the case, you can do such things only at certain stage in life and then it will come at a different cost. Since you appear to be more of logical thinker, mind over heart, you need to draw out on how you want to live assuming the future state could be like mine. And that should guide you on what next steps would be. All I can say is All the Best and good luck for a happy and peaceful life.