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torture by husband on h4 visa

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky18, Jun 1, 2015.

  1. pinky18

    pinky18 Junior IL'ite

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    Please give me some input , how to make him awake for his RESPONSIBILITIES?, he is so much childish, more I have 3 sil and mil, very much manipulative,,,, so different to him and me... they dont have any feelings for me, whenever he talks to them his thinking get change, they ADVICE him for boy child but never to find job. ...
    Basically I am left alone to raise my own kid , adopted kid(dog) and abandoned kid(my HUSBAND).

    Any advice will be appreciated, sometime I get so frustrated OF taking all burden on my SHOULDERS and feels like WANTS to divorce him and live alone with my child (especially when he throw tantrums like kid FOR buying something for house or him, dont understand how I manage)
    Mil had helped with baby PREVIOUSLY, but her focus when she comes to usa , is only SHOPPING for her daughters, and her own NEEDS FROM my money.. basically very greedy , just take take no return..
     
  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Genders reversed.. and it feels normal


    OP.. which one of the below two are you leaning towards..

    1.. husband control anger and become responsible and be the primary bread winner of family

    Or

    2.. you fed up of being the head of the family and hence take a back seat from being primary bread winner and roll back to being just the primary care giver?
     
    Topaz49, pinky18 and SinghManisha like this.
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Give him ultimatum to find good job, if it doesn’t work try trial separation from him. See how you feel without him. If u can manage just go ahead with divorce.
     
    pinky18 likes this.
  4. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Good to see you have worked on most part of your problems and focusing on you and self-love is a very good way to address issues around us.
    From what you have just described, i just tried to reverse the role of husband and wife. All what your DH does now is what majority of women at home does. He ignoring his parents opinion is a great plus for you if your in laws have been interfering in your life previously. I understand he seems to lack motivation to find himself a job but I don't see him totally irresponsible as he has been helping you at home/cooking/cleaning/gardening and with your kid. This is one of the plead that every working women will have. I work full time in US with a toddler. My husband does understand me and help but not so much. He would funnily say you are a woman who has capability of super woman and say i'm supporting you with your career. I only felt those generation women were only expected to take care of home but nowadays we have to work to support for our self-esteem and financial needs and also expected to take care of home. The responsibilities has only doubled.

    The pain of not having much help to take care of kid when i'm sick; when expected to make food even when I arrive late; when my kid keeps asking for my attention when i'm cooking or when doing some chores, i only happen to yell at him straining my relationship with my son; and the guilt feel your spouse might give you that you are not doing enough as a mother or as a wife...there is so much more.

    I would suggest you to look at the bright side of it too. While growing up we have always seen men being the bread winner and i totally understand how it would be otherwise. There are 2 things i would suggest you

    1. Are your family financially burdened if he doesn't go to work or is it manageable? If there are financial dependency, motivate him to go to work but do not pressurize him. He seems to be happy with 'Stay At Home Dad'(which most men will be depressed of). He has seen you as a bread winner and thinks his job to be just as a second income. See if any adjustment can be made. Let him go for a job and even if its for short while, let it be. He may not be great provider but seems to be a good dad who has also controlled his anger/temper and willing to change attitude. Make some efforts to appreciate it. And if you are tired of always providing for the family, let him know that you want to take a break from work in future then it may trigger him some kind of fear that will make him stick to a job.

    2. If its only for social respect you want him to work, then re-think on what is important for you. A happy family is difficult to get, prioritize love and affection to other things. Every one doesn't have same life so make best out of what you have.

    Imagine some men complaining about the same frustration that you have against their wife for she not going to job but asking for more things for house/herself. We only will be supporting the wife here as she is responsible enough to take care of home/kid and as partner she can definitely enjoy the benefits from his earning(if within limits, of course). But truly to accept men not going to job is a big change and painful but doesn't sound like major trouble to your marriage. Talk to him and make him understand in a supportive tone.

    Sorry, my response may not be helpful but you can find ways to work it out. Its in your hands!
     
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  5. pinky18

    pinky18 Junior IL'ite

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  6. pinky18

    pinky18 Junior IL'ite

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    Thank you so much SO much all.. I really appreciate all response.
    I dont have any financial burden.
    @Jamelia02 , I feel for you, sometime that happens to me also, he being lazy and disorganized, I have to do lot too on weekend when i am off from work, but still when my toddler cry or hungry he takes 1st seat and let me Rest, he appreciate me being worker and provider but dont understand him BEING WITHOUT any goal is not good example for our daughter.
    And I feel scared about future too, I am ALRIGHT today, my body is functioning , when I get old or something comes up unexpectedly ....or something happens to me.. what about FUTURE... ??
    @ Yogirl, I do really dont WANT to be full time caregiver, but definitely want partner , who walk along with path of life instead of me dragging him all time..

    I am truly blessed with yours RESPONSE,.. thanks lot from bottom of my heart.
     
    Jamelia02 likes this.
  7. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    I understand your fear and everyone has it. As a first step, start ensuring you invest all your money appropriately to hold for future and your daughters education. I feel even if your dh goes to work he may not be responsible with finances. That said, you can try to talk to him calmly. On a relaxing day, go for a walk with him and without complaining talk to him and ask him of his thoughts on finding job. If you don't get a convincing answer, drop the topic and repeat so on a different time. But if he has something to say like 'don't like that job/no enough caliber to handle pressure/ not satisfying salary' then try to understand the root cause from there. Accordingly you can suggest him to alternate options like choose different job (even if not good pay but if its satisfying). My dh's colleague(an Indian) is full time working in IT sector and also doing UBER rides. So you can ask him to try a job of his taste and you assure him full support through this phase. Help him identify his real problems. Sometimes as spouse we tend to be frustrated when they don't do things that is expected and yell at them but over a period of time once we start being appreciative and support them by words/actions they can change really for good. I really wish you good luck and to find strength.

    By all means I don't see him as a bad example to your daughter as your dd will be highly appreciative of the quality time she gets to spend with her dad and all the help he does for you will be taken positively by your daughter.
    Do take care of your health and prioritize your health first.
    When a women is bread winner of the family, I personally feel really proud and try to gain strength from such people. Much strength to you.
     
    pinky18 likes this.
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...accept that you are the main bread winner and he is the main caregiver in your family.

    Nothing wrong in your life as long as husband is willing to take over all resonsibilities of a home maker.

    Sit with him and let him know all the chores that are his to do .
    Ask him to do the shopping and driving kid to classes etc too and you enjoy being the bread winner.

    Don't worry...you both will be good role models for your daughter who will learn that work does not have to be gender specific .

    Op....count what you have rather than what you don't have. Your glass is more than half full.

    Work on controlling his aggression and his families interference . Rest all seems fine . Every family is different .As long as things are working smoothly, your family seems good.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2020
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  9. pinky18

    pinky18 Junior IL'ite

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    Thank you dear.,
     
  10. pinky18

    pinky18 Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks dear,
    That's what I need to do now, I have to walk in other direction IN MALE dominated society. Where they expect me to work like male, and care for house and family like obedient women.
    He come from the house of women, three sisters and only young WANTED boy , so his family really CONSERVATIVE, they find me arrogant when I stand and ask for my ground... but now I dont CARE what his family think of me.. I just want safe future for my child.. when he loose his temper and throw tantrums like child, I feel I am leaving my child in child's hand when I go for work, more his mind he still think about other baby , a male child to run family... but I know I am enough, I need to take care of my body , baby and dreams.
    I had stopped inviting my parents to usa , because he is so much immature and keep arguing with them. When he works he is happy And content, but he is fool Enough not to understand his own respect. More I have to push him or get really bossy TO let him find work ,,, all time , I am tired of doing that.. he just need to get mature enough to take his own stand , he dont have any friend and if he does he dont stay in touch EVEN OTHER person try ...so many more issue..

    I feel , I ll try my best ... I been TRYING already took his abuse in past, was a mistake that I didn't had any assertiveness that time..
    I will learn more about leadership ,assertiveness and keep patience as much I can..
     

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