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too much stress and irritation...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by apoorva1582, Jan 24, 2012.

  1. apoorva1582

    apoorva1582 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    its been a while since i posted last. Had faced lots of issues, troubles,
    would like to pour here some of my troubles..

    a. endured a difficult and life threatening pregnancy in which lost the baby in my tummy itself and was in a depression for quite a period of time.. my h doesnt support me in any manner.. couldnt understand what i was going thru and now wants another baby immediately... for the past week or so he is saying it was my careless which led to my baby son's death... we hav checked with umpteen docs both here in bangalore and chennai and all of them say I am normal, due to the pregnancy complication I developed (high BP) this unfortunate incident has happen... and hav advised me some time to recuperate..

    infront of the docs, h is cordial and says he understands.. but once coming home, starts blaming me..

    b. next problem, he is now taken up the idea of buying a house or a plot whihc is a good idea.. but the problem starts when our broker informs that there is somethin available.. even before we set a date and time to see the property, he is starting to think aloud about what he wants to do with the property... i say to him repeatedly let us first see the site/proeprty, feel if it suits our needs then we can discuss.. no.. he says i am not cooperative.. i am an IRRITANT..and what not.. i just dont want to build any hopes even b4 we see the property.. he is like shouting and abusing me.. my MIL supports everything he says.. i get frustrated and increasing my stress..

    c. this issue is related to me unable to find any PERMANENT WORK.. after my marriage and relocating to bangalore, i havnt been able to get a permanent job.. my H is now insisting that i work.. i do want to work.. earlier b4 marriage he was acting like a good Samaritan and was saying whatever ur earnings i dont need any penny from it.. but after mrg it has completely changed.. even if i ask or check abt his salary he is evasive but wants me to give an account of how much i spend...

    during my pregancy i had got a very good offer and was working but due to health reason had to quit.. now after my pregnancy i am still unable to find a decent job.. he is poking fun of me and as i am fully dependent on him for each and every need for myself, i need to give a full report of the amount i spend.. that too he doesnt give me money.. i had to beg from MIL to give and she wants to know wat i am going to do with it.. its too much..

    pls help.. i need ur suggestions..
     
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  2. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    When I read life experiences like these I really wonder if there is a way to make men go through the pain of pregnancy and labor so that they will stop thinking of women as baby-vending machines!

    Apoorva, my hugs to you. I cannot imagine the trauma you have been through and I won't make an attempt to say I understand. I really hope and pray you recover physically, emotionally, and spiritually from this terrible tragedy. I have only two suggestions for you:

    1. Start taking measures to improve your mental and physical well-being. Eat well and exercise regularly to build your strength. This will help you feel good about yourself and also help you keep depression at bay. You have every right to say NO to your husband's demands for another baby...make it clear that until the day he apologizes for his insensitive and ridiculous accusations and genuinely regrets making them, there is no question of another baby.

    2. Start looking out for a job...be it part-time or permanent. It will give you financial freedom and will also help you get out of the house and make new friends! I believe in financial transparency between couples...but if your husband is not willing to be open with his finances, there is no reason why you should lay all your cards on the table. Open a separate savings account, get a debit card, and learn to support yourself...and no, you are under no obligation to tell your MIL, FIL or any other IL how you spend your hard-earned money :)

    Good luck!
     
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  3. azalea

    azalea Silver IL'ite

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    Apoorva,


    a. endured a difficult and life threatening pregnancy in which lost the baby in my tummy itself and was in a depression for quite a period of time.. my h doesnt support me in any manner.. couldnt understand what i was going thru and now wants another baby immediately... for the past week or so he is saying it was my careless which led to my baby son's death... we hav checked with umpteen docs both here in bangalore and chennai and all of them say I am normal, due to the pregnancy complication I developed (high BP) this unfortunate incident has happen... and hav advised me some time to recuperate..


    I am sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself. Grieve if you need to, but take your time to recuperate. Men don't understand what it is to lose a pregnancy. So don't expect any sympathy from your husband. Just know that you were not at fault. Train yourself not to be bothered by whatever your husband says. No woman can lose a baby due to carelessness (unless she is either drunk or drugged out). Please take measures to calm your BP - not only for your future pregnancies, but for your life for little ones.


    b. next problem, he is now taken up the idea of buying a house or a plot whihc is a good idea.. but the problem starts when our broker informs that there is somethin available.. even before we set a date and time to see the property, he is starting to think aloud about what he wants to do with the property... i say to him repeatedly let us first see the site/proeprty, feel if it suits our needs then we can discuss.. no.. he says i am not cooperative.. i am an IRRITANT..and what not.. i just dont want to build any hopes even b4 we see the property.. he is like shouting and abusing me.. my MIL supports everything he says.. i get frustrated and increasing my stress..

    You have to decide on your priorities.. If you want a kid, then you have to let go of these issues.. Don't micro-manage your husband. Some people have a habit of learning only after making many mistakes. I assume both your husband and you are young, then let him start dreaming about the property because he can afford to do that now.. Soon he will learn what he needs to do. Life has a way of humbling us, believe me. Why are you increasing your BP and stress over this?

    c. this issue is related to me unable to find any PERMANENT WORK.. after my marriage and relocating to bangalore, i havnt been able to get a permanent job.. my H is now insisting that i work.. i do want to work.. earlier b4 marriage he was acting like a good Samaritan and was saying whatever ur earnings i dont need any penny from it.. but after mrg it has completely changed.. even if i ask or check abt his salary he is evasive but wants me to give an account of how much i spend...

    I hear you. Remember the saying, 'All that glitters is not gold'. Well, what you see in your husband-to-be is also not true. Most of the husbands sing a very different tune after the wedding. So be prepared for it now and in future. Go look for work. It will take your mind off things which are stressing you out. I hear India has plethora of job opportunities, do go look for them. And remember, past is past. You can either live your past every day or go and build a new and bright future every day. The choice is yours.

    during my pregancy i had got a very good offer and was working but due to health reason had to quit.. now after my pregnancy i am still unable to find a decent job.. he is poking fun of me and as i am fully dependent on him for each and every need for myself, i need to give a full report of the amount i spend.. that too he doesnt give me money.. i had to beg from MIL to give and she wants to know wat i am going to do with it.. its too much..

    When you have a job, you need not give any report to anyone on how you spend your own money.. So go and look for one. And take care of your health.

    pls help.. i need ur suggestions..[/QUOTE]
     
  4. veer

    veer New IL'ite

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    Apoorva....
    remember there will come a stage where u will have a cute little one in your hand... a good job... and a nice house.... this is just a phase of life... u will get over it.. dont worry... have strong faith in God.
     
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  5. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    First of all, am extremely extremely sorry for your loss.

    Of the 3 issues you have raised, I feel the first one is most important. He must support you in this tragedy. Why does he think it was your fault? Have you tried to find out? In any case, speak to him and tell him that you need to support each other. It's ultimately you two's loss only. Regarding trying for a baby again; what is your personal opinion? Would you want to try again immediately? Has the doc given a go ahead? Don't confuse this with what your husband wants. Clearly, it's only his urge for a child that may be forcing him to impose on you, so try to look at it that way. But do only what you want and what your health permits.

    Compared to your monumental loss, the property thing you mentioned is trivial according to me. Just leave these headaches to your husband and you will start finding everything more peaceful. Well, regarding job, your husband's behaviour is not unique. A huge proportion of men would want their wives to work for financial security and so many other reasons.

    I don't know your background and have never read any posts of your before, but when I read this one, I can judge the undertone and see that you don't have a great relationship with your husband. Things you don't like about him outweighs what you do like about him. I don't know who is at fault, obviously, because I don't know the story. But what I would like to say is that if you indeed love your husband, then work on mending your relationship with him.
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Apoorva,
    I am sorry to hear about your loss. In addition to that all these problems. Really you are going through a lot. Please be courageous and strong. Right now due to your loss you are very down emotionally and mentally. in addition looks like you are financially dependent on him so he is basically doing whatever he wants.
    first, give yourself time to recover emotionally. Dont rush into getting a baby. If your h and mil are like this now itself, it doesnt look good for what they will be like once baby comes. So first relax, get back your strength mentally and emotionally. Try to do something for yourself. Get out of that house and go to some place regularly. Maybe you can go to temple or gym or meditation centre. From what you have written i feel your high bp may be due to the stress of your marriage to your h. sO focus on going to a peaceful place regularly so you become mentally calm. then you can decide what to do.
    Next after you feel up to it, get a job. Become financially independent. Now itself plan it so you can keep your finances under your control. While all this is going on, think and evaluate your h and mil behaviour and decide if bringing a baby in this environment is good idea or not. This forum is filled with ladies who got kid, thinking it will solve their problem, but situation didnt change, now they feel stuck becos of kid. Some have kid still in laws criticize why it is not a boy. If it is boy they want to take the child away or brainwash. so like this there are many issues down the line. So my purpose in telling all this about kids and forum is to make you understand not to rush into having kid right away. That should not be the priority right now for you. Think and decide.

    All the best.
     
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  7. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Apoorva

    I am very sorry for your loss. I pray god for your fast recovery. Please meditate and take very good care of yourself. I have gone through depression problem so I know how bad it it. Indusladies is really blessing for people like us. You should vent out all your problems here.

    About your dh and in laws I think you should give silent treatment to all for some time. Make yourself busy in something which gives you pleasure. Don't worry about anything else other than your own health. Wish you all the best!!
     
  8. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    dear apoorva, do u really think that it is worth to put up with such husband? you are career oriented and like to work... why dont u think living separately from ur hubby for a while.. he might change his behavior...i dont know if my suggestion is correct. but i think ur hubby behaves like a monster. he should be left aloof with his mother alone with no partner.
     
  9. shruthisp

    shruthisp Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Apoorva,

    I can understand what you have gone through with BP and miscarriage due to that,since one of my best friend also went through that. Trust me she is a mother of beautiful angel now...
    My friend was stressed out with the work environment and few other issues from home front..
    She was finding it difficult to conceive for the second time.. She decided to quit the job since that was her major stress source and decided to opt to be home maker.. It worked for her... after 6 months she got conceived and later delivered a healthy baby.

    So my suggestions is understanding and accepting that you health takes priority over everything and you may need to prioritise all ur issues based on the stress level its producing.U would need to solve one at a time..
    Guess we cant take all issues at a time and sort out everything at the same time.. So priortise.

    If you feel that getting a job, getting financial freedom,going out and meeting new people would bring fresh air try that out that first.. This may even give you time to get back your health and you can tell ur H and IL that you want to get better health and trying for job.. You can tell your H that once you take job you are ready to share his finacial pressure to an extend, that may bring some positive change in your relationship.. Work will make you occupied and you may not give much attention to what ILs say so your stress level may go down on that front too... juz my 2cents ...

    When we are stressed out we need to take a break, try to calm down, There would be some way or the other.. under stress we may not be able to see all ways....
     
  10. apoorva1582

    apoorva1582 New IL'ite

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    thanks to all.. bukbuk.. i think u understood my predicament..from the start of my marriage, my relationship with my husband has been too strained... i feel it is because of my MIL who has made my h like this.. she tries to create nuisance amongst us.. my h listens to her words more than mine and also tries to undermine me.. i have tried to mend my relationship with him lots but with this DRAGON lady in the house i am unable to do so.. she should belong to some 18th century wherein women are believe to act as slaves to the male counterparts.. from what i have gathered by listening to her stories, this is how she was reared in her parents place and how she was expected to behave in her in law place.. but she cant understand times have changed.. and this mentality of hers has been imposed on my h..he never helps me in any way.. he is one dominant creature.. likes to have his own way and wants me to be a slave...

    i have tried many ways.. but in the end i feel its me who is getting hurt a lot... he screams, abuses (no physical abuse) but mentally using cruel hurtful words..his demands should be satifsfied immediately.. doesnt care abt me or my health... in the three years of my marriage i hav lost more than gained..
     

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