Too much intrusion is always bad!

Hi there,

Many of us are our mom's/dad's pets since the time we were born.But after marriage life is very different and there are situations where we need to judge different people in our families.We will be connected to more people after marriage other than our parents and sometimes our parents may not guide us in the right way which could be due to immense love on us.They would not be able to understand the other side of the coin and always think about our safety.This is happening more with the gal's parents am seeing a lot these days.They love their daughters very much and no one can comment on it.But sometimes they go very mean and don't even think about their son-in-law situation.They always try to command their daughter's married life be it in personal matters or monetary issues.Even the gal don't understand the intimacy that she should have with his husband/in-laws.she blindly follows whatever her parents say as she had been grown up by them.

But after marriage,a gal should try to mould herself into a complete woman rather than being a loving daughter still.she need to understand that the boy's parents are also equally important and she needs to feel them as her people.She should gently tell her parents not to involve much in their life apart from the general guidelines.For example,I know of my uncle who always bother about their son-in-law not buying any house even after 3 years of marriage.But that guy is a manager in bank and have a solid idea of financial matters.So it is his wish to decide on when to buy a house etc.But my uncle always point it directly or indirectly in family discussions and to y utter dismay the gal don't even dare to restrict her father's words which mean to insult her husband.She might have a strong bond with her father as everyone do but she should be able to control the situations when going wrong.

A gal is to play a key role in balancing the relationship with both the families.She should have that feeling of belongingness in the boy's family too and try to control her parents when they try to overdo (out of immense love for her )If her parents are illiterates then it is her responsibility to tell them not to involve much and insult her inlaw family.Also I know of cases where the gal's parents only concern about their gal and don't even think a while for their son-in-law.Best example for this is keeping their daughter with them for a long time with bound of love.They don't care for how many problems their son-in-law is facing without his wife..the gal also keeps herself calm due to respect towards her parents.Such situations demands an active role of the gal to get them solved.

Overall,I feel that it is the gal who need to be proactive in explaining things to her parents and should control them not to involve too much in her married life.It really hurts the boy and their family a lot though they may not express it.This is really very sensitive no gal can imagine her husband/family to get insulted.But there are such gals whom I have seen but no proper guidance for them.I hope this post helps at least such few people to realise things and think in a right direction.

What do you say friends?

 

Hi Shruthi,

I strongly agree with you as intrusion is always bad in any ways be it the boy's parent's side or that of the gal's side..But I would say one thing..any parent would have more intimacy with their son's life even after his marriage ..I mean in terms of suggestions,planning etc as we all know the reason.so they feel for their son and suggest him in all directions with intimacy.But as you said it is not recommended to a high extent if it is hurting the relation between the wife and husband .But where as the same parent cannot take control on another family where a boy(their SIL) is the head.He can give suggestions but he should not insult them for not following his suggestions.As for me,I don't mind my father suggesting my DH but I do take care not to let my father to pressurise much to buy any property.There I will play a perfect wife role in interpreting things and explain my dad that his pressure may hurt the feelings of my husband.

The key lies in the transitioning our roles according to the situations.
elders enjoy much in involving their son's life rather than their daughter's life esp after marriage.It is quiet natural and we should respect that feeling.They feel that they have more rights on his son rather than daughter as she would be given to another family.that doesn't mean that they should not involve if they are not treating her well

As you said,too much intrusion from the guy's parent side is also very harmful and can cause serious problems to marries life.But a gal should understand that her in laws are part of her family along with her husband.they can suggest and take active part in their son's life only and not their daughter's life.But I agree there are exceptions where they intrude much into a couple's personal matters which you have mentioned.

Your last line really makes sense and convey the complete meaning..

 

Welcome to IL Deepa10,

Kudos to you for understanding life in a better way,,You have very well narrated the part of each and every relation for a successful marriage.

 

Hi to all who have responded here..

I respect your opinions..Whatever you told is universally true..Both the guy and gal should be able to balance their lives independently without letting others to enter into their married life..

Inlaws creating problems to gals-I have seen and read lot of these cases in this forum and their solutions too were given by so many experienced ILs.But one point that was untouched is the transition of gal from a daughter to a wife and a DIL.That is the reason I have stressed this point more in my post.Be it gal's father or the boy's parents,no one should be tolerated if they intrude much .But what I am trying to tell is-there are few things by nature which we cannot change.Still I feel that any parent will feel free to involve in his son's life in terms of suggesting,planning ,improving their finances etc (not into personal issues) than that of a daughter.As i said before this is the natural phenomenon and doesn't mean that gal's parent should not involve.

From my study,I felt that being a good wife/DIL will solve so many problems than by being a good daughter.It doesn't mean that the girl shouldn't care her parents.But she should control her parents when they hurt her family(husband and in-laws).This is the case where things are pretty normal on boy's side and the gal's parents are not satisfied thinking that their daughter is not happy.

I have touched this issue as the other sides of the coin are always being discussed anyhow..