To separate or not to..

Sorry for not reading the entire post. But from what I gather its a war of mothers between you and DH.
The two mothers are happily leading their life while you are spoiling your early married years.
Never think of a divorce on account of relatives. You have a baby and now your first priority is to be a good mother , your role as wife and mother is more important than as a DD.
It is silly to spoil ones marriage because of parents. Think of your own family , that is DH, baby and you.Forget the missed phone calls and nasty comments .
Stop all conversation about his/your parents.Ceasefire.
Nobody likes to hear to hear anything bad spoken about his/her parents even if its true.
Cut the apron strings.

 

Hi,

So you want to do some experiment of seperation, if so, since both of your financially well, test this seperation trial for one year, without going to court or a counsell and Do not tell anyone in your families that you are doing this research but, if inquired, tell them that both of you shall seek legal remedy after one year. decide within yourself, to live in two different homes for one year and see what happens. Do not allow any of your relatives including your respective mothers, to stay with you during this one year period. You should live alone with the help of nannies and maids. Do not take any of their advices. Tell him to follow the same process and both of yout think on your own.

Let the kid live with you as it is too small and needs mother's care at this age, since its age should be less than two years. Tell him that this is pure experiment nothing else, so that you can and he can understand what is wife's love and how you guyes were respected within your families.

 

Op,

I truely understand your feelings. Your DH thinks he and his people are god and goddess but take full right to curse and name calling you and your parents. Name calling is harmful and dangerous to any kind of relationship.

I read few of replies on the post. For me its not fight over mother. When OP DH is name calling her parents, till when can she be controlled, she is not fighting for proving her mom to be correct but rather fighting that the way her DH behave to them is wrong. I guess you get stressed out whenever such things happens and now thinking of seperation now.

Since your Dh is having very short temper... you are scared of him and dont want to discuss about your feelings. Take him to DH anger management classes. He need that badly. Tell him that you want peacefull life, happy marriage and his behaviour is taking toll on you and with this attitude you are not happy.

Please forget your MIL's behaviour and concentrate on your DH.

 

of course...its a slow process for him to change. You also need to attend sessions with him and learn how to handle him during his anger.

These kind of people are key driven... you just need to grab the key.

 

unkoki,

I think there are two issues here. One is your relship with your DH and the other is with his parents. you need to seperate them and figure out where you stand on each. Most impt is of course your relship with DH just like the others have told here. Before you make any decisions to separate or proceed for divorce you need to figure out where you stand with your DH. ie., figure out your feelings and the mutual dynamics. From what little you have written so far, it could go either way, a)he is a good guy but there are some misunderstandings in the communication between you two OR b)he is a sadist and there is no hope of repair or recovery. Only after you determine this clearly can you proceed to make your decisions. I would suggest that you give yourself some time to do so.
I feel from your post that you are a little sensitive in your nature, a person who gives a lot of weight to words. This is not right or wrong. THis is just the way you are. But you have to stop showing so clearly what can and cannot hurt you. Try to cultivate a calm and neutral demeanour. Go for walks, or to the gym since you are in chicago, pray, meditate orfind some relaxing activity that you can do alone or by yourself ie., without his company to calm yourself down and do it everyday. This will give you mental peace which you need desperately.

Sorry to say this dear but you have shown him clearly that your parents is your weak point. So he is happily pressing that button each and every time and watching you squirm and react. It can be that he is good guy but even then now he has become habituated to this. So you have to change that. So first of all, whenever that issue comes up or that button gets pressed you have to learn not to react. Just walk away casually, pretend not to hear, ignore do what you need to but dont react and flare up. make a list of all your hot buttons topics and avoid them for trial period.
Secondly you have to clear up the verbal atmosphere in the house because if it is a war zone then he is also bracing for battle when he comes home just like you are. So deflate that. For next few weeks be completely busy when you are around him, dont ignore in an obvious manner but show that you are too busy for these small small things like petty arguments. Focus on your home, on your child and stay positive. Dont hover when he is with child, let him be. Make your home a peaceful place. For a few days do what you can to have minimum interaction go to a different room if he is on tv go to comp or eat early with your child watch some tv and go to sleep early etc. Get everyone used to a calm atmosphere. He will notice immediately and ask you what is going on. Just reply nicely all you want is some peace and quiet. dont engage or get into discussion of whose fault it is there is no peace and quiet. If he says something hurtful in reply like tat is what I am saying for so long but you will not listen/agree/cooperate etc, dont react just take the statement at face value and say good. I am glad you also agree. Let us be peaceful and enjoy our baby or something like that and end the conversation. Just be neutral in replies, and only take the facevalue during this trial period. reply nicely when asked a direct question but make it clear that you will not respond to taunts and pokes. At some point when you are both able to communicate in a civilized way for short periods let him know about this and ask him nicely to phrase anything as a simple question, not as a taunt. Example: As usual I am sure there is no food to eat around here? Is a taunt. Dont reply. Look at him calmly and point out that he is again trying to start a fight and walk away. Dont argue the point and try to prove you are right or not. just walk away and busy yourself with some housework. If he follows and continues the discussion say 'oh is it?' and just change the topic. Ex: Is there any food? Respond immediately, politely and naturally.

If he is a good guy and this is just misunderstandings within a few weeks the atmosphere in your home will start calming down and clearing up. there will be backward steps esp when his parents enter picture but again dont react, go to your happy place and let it blow over you. Whatever activity you pick that relaxes you, prayer, exercise, meditation, music, personal hobby, that you love keep doing that every day so you personally get a reserve of some mental peace. Slowly things will improve to the point that he will start to seek you out to discuss family matters etc. Then you can let him know your views.
Best of luck!