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To Move Out Or Not

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by cheenu123, Feb 20, 2017.

  1. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Defintely move out..You are working in shifts and you definitely need rest. Parents tend to make it as a biiig issue. I think they will get adjusted with this eventually.
    Hugs & Best wishes..
     
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  2. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    The other day when I was sound asleep I woke up suddenly to a disturbing sound. The granny was unusually quiet, chewing on my earphones!
     
  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    One earphone pernight cost versus rent for PG hostel ?
    but seriously, write about what is stopping you from moving out ?
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
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  4. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Nonya, thanks for asking this question. I realize I have been escaping this situation for a very long time. It is embarrassing but every-time I ask about moving out my dad gets so emotional that he starts crying, he talks stuff like when your marriage dint work we supported you and today, when your mental and physical health is restored, you want to move out. He says that he and my mom needs me to which I argue that even if I'm away I'm very much there with them. I tell them what if I was happily married? Could they still use the same emotional sentences?
    I realize that moving out will require a lot of courage and thick skin and might lead to a cut off with my family for a couple of months.
     
  5. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    When you use such come-back's do you feel that you sound like your mom shrieking in the morning ? Does that put the fear of growing up like her in you ? Think and shudder.
    Recently I read in some other thread where @Gauri03 was suggesting small-pain NOW... rather than big-pain Later, and why it is easier to take the small pain now, when you are fit and strong, rather than let whatever that is postponed, fester, and get bigger, and cause you a huge problem.

    Just leave a note, {to say that you are eloping with a boy from bhutan or something} , and skip town. @Rihana described the way to run away from home. You get up early in the morning.... carry your slippers in your hand, tip-toe out of the room... gather your already packed bundle of clothes, and slither out. For good.

    NIP IT IN THE BUD.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
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  6. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for your kind and encouraging words @Laks09
    Yes, my health is on a track now and mentally too, I feel sorted and focused.
     
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  7. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes @MalStrom
    Now that I'm out of that phase and in a self-care mode, I do want to socialize and breath freely.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You have made a very bad choice of staying with parents, that too in a joint family, and again in a temporary accommodation with less space after separation.
    Living with parents before marriage is one thing, and returning to parents' place after separation is another thing.
    Any kind of stay at parents place after marriage shouldn't last for long.
    If it is just your old parents, it is one thing. But to live with a big joint family, where your bro-SIL, their kids, grandma etc live, I think it is certainly an invited trouble.
    Specially when you are still healing from the divorce decision, and has gone through hell in the past.
    Your age, your lonliness, your marital status, and to top it, the society and your parents' fear/humiliation etc..etc... are to be considered when making such life changing decisions.

    Your parents and siblings are the ones who should be with you forever. They are your main support system.
    So, having any kind of breakups with them will really make you vulnerable at this age.

    Whatever the problems that you have mentioned above, are not the real problems.
    In fact, I am of your age, married with 2 kids. I wake up way too early than you are to cook and do the chores before I go to work.
    My body clock too had its own struggles when I really needed to do this. But now, it works... and I can wake up even an hr early if needed.
    Expecting an elderly mom to cook and serve b'fast, while we- the able bodied youngsters are in the house is not right.
    Our body clock is more flexible than theirs, right.

    Secondly, your parents' worry when you are out with friends is acceptable, since you are from a conservative background.

    Thirdly, your grandma's weird sounds while you are awake is very common in joint families. My H used to snore so high, and it has taken a toll in my night time sleep during the initial years. But as time goes by, my mind and body got adjusted with that sound, and now a days I don't care.

    In the past, we have lived in 1 room apt, and did almost everything there too. So, adjustments are not life changing problems when it is required temporarily.

    Here, your problem is your divorce status, the loneliness compared to the other couples in your house (bro-SIL, mom-dad), and your age etc...
    Since you have gone through a tough marriage, it takes time to heal and feel normal.
    That may be the reason you feel isolated, neglected, controlled, and lonely in your parents' place. It is normal.

    I advice you to look for a job- transfer or at least some training opportunities elsewhere.
    Make it as something natural, so others won't suspect.
    Move out of your house to a different city to start this second phase of your life afresh.
    Take your own time to heal, without anyone's instruction.
    Make new friends, and new hobbies, and start a new life from there.
    Continue to keep in touch with your family, so that you could visit them over the weekends or vacation.
     
  9. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    If he still does, he may be suffering from sleep apnea. This condition, if allowed to get worse, stresses the heart-health of the snorer.

    There are simple remedies to make him sleep quiet, so that you too can sleep. Even on a cama_matrimonial (double bed). CPAP* machines can be very effective, but there are mechanical means that can also keep an airway open during the sleeping hours so that snoring is infeasible. Let him read up on this, perhaps go to a doctor and get advice.

    *CPAP = continuous positive airway pressure.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    That was a problem in my early marriage life. His snoring remains the same, but I could very much sleep since I am used to it.
    The snoring sound is not so loud as it seemed before, perhaps I was very much sensitive, and couldn't sleep even with a mild TV sound back then.
    My H's health is fine, and the snoring is not a sign of any serious disorders as we checked. Thanks for your advice anyways.

    Why I mentioned this here is, her grandma's sounds could not be a problem if she is happy and settled. The problem is she is unsettled and feeling insecure, lonely due to the divorce process. Better she address this problem instead of complaining and distancing (mentally) with her folks.
     

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