To Move Out Or Not

cheenu123 · Feb 20, 2017

Hi Friends,

Many of you are already aware of the ongoing divorce. I'm staying with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, grandmother for the past 10 months now. The initial few months I was at my worst and had to take psychological help. However, In the last few months, I'm finding it excruciatingly difficult to stay with my family. I would like to give some reasons here:

1. Since last 6 months, we are leaving in a rental home because the main house is being constructed by a builder and it shall take another year or so. Because of this, there is a huge space constraint in the house but since this is temporary, it doesn't bother much. However, I'm sharing a room with my old grandmother who sleeps during the day and doesn't sleep for a minute at night. When awake, she has a habit of talking loudly and absolutely nothing can stop her. This is affecting my sleep adversely however, my parents tell me that I must endure this for a couple of months as this is very normal. But I'm struggling with my sleep disorder and there is absolutely no other room in this house where I could retire at night for a couple of hours.

2. I have a grueling schedule at work, with odd shifts therefore, I look forward to weekends when I don't have to get up at 4am however, my mother has a problem with this. She expects me to be up by 7 or 8 and help her with breakfast. I have no qualms in helping her but I can't set my body clock as per her expectations. This flares her up to the extent that she uses the choicest of words and my dad and brother also join her. Every Saturday this has become like a practice when I'm bombarded with shrieks to get up and help her and one refusal from my end invites an army of abuses and accusations.

3. I have been trying to help my dad/brother with cash ever since I returned for I believe I should also contribute in the household expenses. The first time I gave some money to my dad, he returned it the day we had a minor argument and the same thing happened with brother and me as well. And when we have stressful environment at home, both rant indirectly that I eat and enjoy without paying a penny. This gets so hurtful that I feel like killing myself.

4. I come from a conservative and controlling family but after having spent last 4 years of my life in hell, I don't like the idea of being controlled so much. However, be it any working day, or an outing with friends, my parents make it a point to call me umpteen times to piss me to the level that either I do not socialize or i come back pretty early.

Since last few days, I have realized that my equation with my family has taken a downward spiral. I don't want it to get deteriorated any further and at the same time, I can't compromise on my self-respect. It has taken a lot of work to stable myself and now, I don't want to get insane because of everyday challenges. I want to move out in a PG/working girl's hostel/1 BHK rental apartment, close to my place of work and live independently. However, ever since I shared this with my family they have stopped communicating with me. They treat me like an outcast who has dared to think beyond her capacity.

Can you guys please let me know what should I do? I tried having a calm discussion with my family over the last few days but they just don't accept the idea of me moving out.

GoneGirl · Feb 20, 2017

Hi Cheenu, am sorry you are in a tough spot. I think the best option would be to move out, as the current environment doesnt seem to help your recovery. As long as you are ok leaving home, you should definitely do it. Staying in an environment like this doesn't seem to be a viable long term option. Convince your family that you need some time to rest after a busy day at work and this new set up isnt working for you.. for the time being tell them you will move back once the home is constructed. Tell them you will visit them on the weekends. Do check out all the options ( hostel va apartment) and try to involve them in your decisions, so they will not feel so hurt.

sumzaya · Feb 20, 2017

Move out... U r already having enough stress.. continuing in this same situation makes ur connection with them worse.. u need them , but a safe distance will keep the relation a bit more safer n harmless. Say u have some projects /paper works which needs concentration etc...hostel is a gud idea , u will get som roommates and rent also reasonable.. but somtimes food will b horrible.. bhk mite b costly dependin on the city, if sharing then no problem,.
I have heard the same attitude with my cozns parents(oops thts my uncle n aunt) she was abt to divorce and her parents irritative and annoying attitude made her think twice And now she reunited wit her DH ( as there wasn'tmuch issue as she guessed in their life.) .

Laks09 · Feb 20, 2017

Cheenu - Long time! First of all, congrats on turning things around and working towards all the positivity despite the divorce and the fallout from it. Such a difference from your last thread! I hope you are finding time to exercise here and there, like you mentioned the last time.
Coming to this moving issue, don't make it about the grandmother or lack of space. Just state that you are exhausted with the travel and would like to stay close to work. You work in shifts, have to go and come at odd hours, it's safer and better to not be on the road for too long. Make sure your family is aware of your location choice in terms of safety and proximity to work.

They may still take it personally but visit them during the weekends and holidays, tell them all how much you miss them and that you like being around them. In time, they should see it's better this way.

I think moving out will help you. If you have friends from work, I've seen people staying in the same hostel or PG. Look into that. Having friends your own age and doing things with them will help.

I'm glad you are doing well! Good Luck.

KashmirFlower · Feb 20, 2017

move out and I would suggest to a hostel or PG, not an independent apartment. after couple of months you can move to 1B apartment. Otherwise your family continues to come and disturb or say things in your apartment. PG doesn't allow that happen. Someday your have to have your own place. re-married or single, make it now.

MalStrom · Feb 20, 2017

Moving sounds like the best solution for you at the moment. Look for a safe place near your work so you don't have to commute and tell your family that is the reason. They may be upset initially but they will also be more comfortable with the increased space once you leave. You can always visit for weekends and special ocassions. Bring treats for your family or take them out to eat if your budget permits, once you are living on your own. Your relationship with them can only improve. You will be able to follow the diet of your choice, and get the rest you need. And you will be able to socialize with people of your own age, which is very important as you expand your friends' circle.
Wish you all the best!

fourthaugust · Feb 20, 2017

Hugs to you dear..I know that most of the indian parents do not want to support their divorced daughter. They cannot tell you this openly because they know you did the right thing but at the same time somewhere deep down they wanted you to compromise . Hence this is the attitude they are having towards you.

I can tell you for sure that hypothetically if I divorce my husband my parents will definitely make my life a living hell. So the most appropriate thing at this point for you would be that DO NOT EXPECT ANY SUPPORT, MENTAL OR OTHERWISE, from your parents. Even if you move out, try to stay somewhere close to your parents because I have heard that its difficult for a woman without spouse to manage alone. but rest assure dear, this is your journey, you have to move alone.

Prishaa · Feb 20, 2017

Hey I would suggest moving out is the best option. Its just one life and you deserve inner peace and so staying separately in Pg or working woman hostel will make you more independent and live on your own terms.
Also could be due to society pressures your parents are insisting you to stay with dem though you'll don't gel well. You keep in touch with them and in few months they may get used to it and life will be get smoother..