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To keep trying or time to leave? :( Urgent advice needed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by desigirl25, Sep 13, 2013.

  1. desigirl25

    desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Everyone,

    I have posted some threads on this forum in the last few months detailing the problems I m having with my husband. Basically my husband was of very suspicious nature before marriage and he contacted a guy I dated in the past who lied to him and told him bad things about the kind of relationship me and him had (which was basically nothing!). My husband went into depression before marriage but by that time I really loved him and belived he would let go of the past (as it wasnt even true) and he promised he would.

    Now it has been 1 year 3 months since we have been married and he is still unwilling to let go of it. Whether I am talking about watermelon or swimming he will find a way to link it to the past - which I have learnt to deal with now. BUT in the past year my relationship with my inlaws has completely been destroyed after we moved out of joint family as we weren't getting along. Now I am completely cut off from them and instead of trying to fix our marriage my husband wants to go stay every weekend at his parents home (alone as I have been uninvited in their home now and he wants to keep his family separate from me) and plays cricket on the other day. BASICALLY my life has become hell as the day he comes back from his parents house he will fight with me...we will fight when he says he is going there for the weekend - we are both engineers and have a hectic week...I expect we will do something together in the weeknd - else why even stay married ?? He IS trying to make an improvement a little bit...but when I say improvement....that means when i go to work and say 'Bye' he responds properly and says bye...when I call him he'll pick up and answer...after dinner he will sit and watch a movie together (on weeknights) - small things that every couple takes for granted...these things are HUGE gestures of him ''trying'' in my relationship.

    I'm sorry I know I am rambling but I just want to scream and wish I could run away form my life...I don't know how to fix him. I think he has a mental illness that he got depression and is still caught up on someting some random guy said which is all lies..... I really wish I was strong enough to walk away and slap a divorce in his face but some part of me keeps thinking (wishing and begging) that with time things will fix.

    Do you guys, especially those who have read my other threads think there is any hope. I really admire those of you who have had the courage to walk away from a loveless unhappy marriage. I don't know if I lack confidence or what because why am I unable to do it. I am living in Canada...and even girls in India are not worried aobut society or remarriage. Most girls that I know who are divorced are all remarried. (No, I am not worried about finding another guy right now...but ofcourse in the future I want to have a family). I am now 26...I was 24 when I got married. I am wasting the most crutial years of my life..my parents are so mentally exhausted and I feel so bad that they are going through this pain too. They are not worried about society and care only about my happiness. They tell me to leave or else I will become mentally ill too but I'm not able to...so they are also supporting me in trying to work it out. BUT every time before a weekend when things seem to be getting better we have a fight as he wants to go spend the weekend at his parents. He needs to know his parents are not running away anywhere...but our marriage is about to break up - but he is never willing to discuss our marriage.

    My mind becomes numb when I think of my marriage. I just started a new job and am fully concentrating in that when I am at work and blocking him out of my mind. I am also on my way to reaching my pre wedding weight...these two are my goals right now to get him out of my mind. But evenings are torturous. What should I do? If there is anyone who chose to walk away, can you tell me if you are happy now?? I hate the uncertainity of not knowing what will happen after I leave. What if I never fill my dream of having a family/kids? :'(
     
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  2. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    Have you tried marriage counseling? Why don't you book a vacation and go out for a week? If he is still obsessed with your past and is unable to let go of it...then you really need to try counseling
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    First try counselling.

    Then ask him what will it take to get over your 'so called past'.If it is at all possible for him to be mature about it.Let him know the other option is to separate so he can go look for his 'woman without a past'.

    As for his spending the weekend with his parents. Try to compromise and let him spend saturday with them and sunday with you...or whatever is convenient.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Ask your H if can move on and stop thinking of your past real or imagined, if he cannot then its time to rethink.
    Its very difficult to forgive or forget a wife's affair by a man, even if it was pre-marital.
    He is a jealous guy who went to meet the ex and got the dirt from him.
    If your pre-marital affair was nothing then why did you burden your DH with it?
    Nobody tells everything even after marriage, but DW is conditioned to forgive and forget even her DH's EMAs .
    Don't have kids please even if family suggests, it doesn't work.
    Set yourself a time limit, say 6 months for things to improve after the talk , so that you have no regrets later in life.
     
  5. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    Please do that.

    You cannot.

    He behaves nicely with everyone else other than you. Am I right?

    He is behaving like a sulking martyr / brat and getting away with it.

    Actually slap him with a divorce notice and he might behave. Why waste time for such a guy?
     
    5 people like this.
  6. lilypad

    lilypad Silver IL'ite

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    Trial seperation. Just find a place to stay away from him.... maybe a friends house, or something. Sit him down and tell him you are taking some time off from him and the stress of your marriage. Not ask, inform. Tell him that during this time he is free to do what he wants too... you are not going to be checking on him. and DON'T check on him.

    And then stay away from him for a few weeks. Dont call him , dont speak to him but just do what you want to do. Focus on doing things that make you happy and that you enjoy. Shopping, short break whatever. Maybe join a course you would love to do, maybe join a hobby club and make new friends, who dont know you as a couple.

    After this period it is possible that you both may have more clarity on your feelings and whether this marriage will work.
     
    4 people like this.
  7. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    You are young (25??), no children.

    Now is the time to RUN. Life is too short to waste on losers like him.

    You must feel valued in a relationship.
     
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  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    OP is situation is not getting better after so much try from your side its a high time you go for separation.
    If you divorce now when you are in mid twenty then you still have good chance of getting another good match to start a life from scratch.Same thing will be much more difficult after age 35 and one or two children.
    This is the right time to move on.
     
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  9. ppriya182010

    ppriya182010 Gold IL'ite

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    Run as far as away from him! Just move on.
     
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  10. desigirl25

    desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone for your replies!! I think I am halfway there in my mind and I am going to leave him. Yes we have tried marriage councelling - and the councellor tried to take his side and try to make him understand he was being 'obsessive and delusional' - her words!! but he was like...ohhh she just wants to make money and is trying to get us divorced etc....he only hears what he wants to and not what he doesnt.

    I think he is like a disease or an infection and i just need to cut him off and run away and build a new life. I have tried everything...from being quiet to being absent. I started a new job 3 weeks back and I come home around 6.30pm..then i get dinner ready for him and leave for gym/sauna alone or with a friend right away. I dont come home till 9pm and am only free by 9.45 after shower etc and still he finds time to make bad comments. He is OBSESSED with the past. Today when i gave him dinner and sat down next to him i tried to hug him..and he told me to go away and that he wanted nothing from me...i tried to laugh it off...n hes like i dont like you and i just want to be alone and do my own things. So I said well why don't you leave then the door is wide open if you dont like me....then he started taunting me saying "I didn't say I don't like you...you can't prove I said that can you....you should just Trust me" - he was taunting bec i always tell him that you should trust me and not a random guy. Ladies I really didnt have any sort of physical affair bt to be honest I wish I had for he deserves that!!!!! I think I am almost ready to move on. I feel so sad I burden my parents with all my indecisiveness. They just want me to leave and start my life now! I am 26, an engineer with a great new job in Canada.....why the heck am I living with a guy who says to my face that he doesnt like me, doesnt want to touch me and wants nothing with me. Isnt this mental abuse???
     

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