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To Forget, Forgive And Let Go Of The Past

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Feb 7, 2019.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear friends,

    Its been a while since I have logged in here. Life has been very different since the past 5-6 months, though on the positive side.
    My husband has changed to a very responsible man (at least by heart, and he is taking sincere efforts to be the man of the family by all means and showing progress too). He has been very affectionate with myself and the kiddos, and overall, he has become a family man and a desirable husband for any women.
    This is how he was before and during the initial phase of our marriage. Thankfully, I am rewarded with the same loving man just around my 10th wedding anniversary.
    For your info, we celebrated our anniversary just a week before, and this was the only anniversary that we have celebrated so far... and it was the best day of our life.

    At this moment, I should be flying on the sky.... and living in the dream land. But sadly, I don't enjoy this much deserved happiness in my marriage life.

    As you all know, that I have been very strong since a long time, and pulled this marriage so far by all means single handedly.

    The first 5 years were horrible, where my H and his folks abused me and my first born mercilessly. The most loving and caring boy friend of 5 years has changed to a bitter husband, and who danced as per his mom's tunes all of a sudden after marriage.
    There was a point, where I decided not to live anymore and attempted to commit suicide when my first child was just a newborn. I am still experiencing health issues as a result of that.
    Then I temporaily seperated from my H for nearly 1 year, and moved out of the city with my kiddo to lead a new life.
    Husband returned and promissed to cut all the ties with his folks, who were the reason behind all the suffering I went through.
    I dont wanna list out what they have done to me in detail. But those who follow my threads since the beginning know how horrible my life was back then.
    Let me give you some examples, so that you may try to taste how bitter it was.

    1) MIL insulted me and my family on the day of our wedding before all the guests - most of the guests were from my side
    2) MIL refused to allow us enter their home after marriage
    3) MIL did not allow my H to visit my parent's home when I continued to live there (as we did not have a home back then) and she did not allow him to move in to the rental home - which I insisted. So we lived seperately for a while. But later he joined me much to his mother's hatred.
    4) MIL did not want me to carry my baby and doubted the paternity of it
    5) She often told and wished that I miscarry the baby.
    6) Though we were not in talking terms, she would visit our home a couple of times daily and force me to eat some suspicious food that she cooked for me. He actions, contradictory to her intention often alerted me, so I did not touch her foods. But my instinct strongly told me that she would have done something on the food to make me miscarry.
    7) When the child was born, she did not allow my H to visit us (me and the newborn) citing astrological reasons.
    8) My H had to visit us like a thief during mid nights and told us not to let his mom know that he came.
    9) He wasn't even there when the kid was severely sick at night despite living a street away at his mother's home that time
    10) They fooled me by wiping out my hard earned money (which was a huge saving) without my knowledge from the joint account, and left me empty handed

    There was a time when I was left with a baby, having no place to turn to (my H vacated the rental home without my knowledge when I was at my mom's place after delivery) and moved back to his parents place. Never supported financially for us. Wiped out my fullest savings, and made me empty handed. And stopped talking or visiting.
    That's when I decided to kill myself - blame my postpartum, hormones, and all the drama.

    Life changed for good when I changed to a strong woman/mother.
    H came back, but within months he was trapped between his folks and his immediate family.
    Again, the same drama. But this time I was assertive. I was ready for the big D and cared nothing.
    He tried his best to balance both. But amidst this, he became very weak. Lost his job, had health issues, and became my full time dependent.
    He was unable to get a proper job after that. This made him a negative and dependent person - losing his personality and charm.
    His insecurity made me adjust more than necessary to retain peace at home. He was furious with kids all the time. Beat them for being children.
    He lived a dessert life.
    But PILs showed positive changes with our family. Pretended to accept us, and had nice time with us all the time.
    We were trapped and fell prey to their cunningness that time.
    Life became a challenge year after year, as we suffered health issues (including kids), financial loss, career issues etc.
    MIL often make a point that we deserve all this because we did not obey them.

    I had to be the primary bread winner and full time home maker to run the show all these while. My Mom extensively supported. But my H often stay away from all the responsibilities, but gave only disturbance each time following his folks. I got used to these challenges, and became extremely strong in life.

    Suddenly one day, some thing happened at our place. A priest informed someone has witched us. He later removed that witchcraft which we (myself and H) have seen from our eyes.
    We later consulted another priest from Hindu faith (my H is Hindu) to get everything confirmed. It was extremely hard to approach that priest, but we did somehow.
    Although I don't believe in all these, my H has very strong faith in these BM and stuff and he went on to check with many priests on this in the comming months. Everyone said that the evil was casted against our marriage, and specifically against him.
    But the removal would do miracle in our life, and basically our faith saved us from the extreme negativity.
    These priests also confirmed that it was our PILs (through identity) who did this against us some 10 years back.
    And we later found out that MIL did a few suspicious stuff all these while, to validate this.

    Nevertheless, we have decided not to indulge too much on this BM stuff as we don't really know what are they and never believed in them before. Anyhow, it is removed, and we are safe.
    But my H started to hate his folks from then onwards and even fought with them.
    Now that, he is seeing through everything that happened in the past 10 years of our lives. He is severly apologetic for how he has behaved, and begged at us (on myself, kids and my folks) to forgive him.

    Besides, unexpectedly luck has favored him by offering a big post now. He is earning big and asked me to leave my job (i was in Africa leaving the family till end of last year), so that I could enjoy at home with kids and take some rest.
    He shows extreme concern for my health and comfort and shares his paych with me.
    Earlier the same man did not even reveal his salary details or bank balance or even the info of his prolonged credit card debts.

    No more inteferences from ILs now. Not even from BILs or their families.
    Life has been very smooth now. And I should be in cloud nice for all this.

    But sadly, my mind is not settled. I bring back the past now a days a lot than ever before. I feel stressed, unhappy and lost like as if it was my initial marriage life.
    Whenever my H comes close to me, or gifts me or shows his affection I get reminded of those lost days.
    I cry and nag and irritate my H by forcing him to listen to all my sob stories of the past, and make him hold the responsibility for it.
    Each time he apologize. But it is me who spoil the nice moments now.
    My H has been very patient with me, and handles my moodswings calmly. But I feel horrible after a while thinking how much I lose these precious moments, which I have always yeared for.
    But my mind is not in my control. Any act of kindness or love from my H reminds me of his past cruel behavior (which I have already forgiven and forgetten). I don't know why I feel this way now.

    In fact, I did not feel like this when things were not so smooth between us till last year. Why now?

  2. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Silver IL'ite

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    I see you have been through a lot of drama (no mockery here), but it has been resolved. Why delve into the past? The problem arises when there are still unresolved issues. Your husband loves you now, regrets his past. BM or no BM, people who do bad things intentionally or unintentionally get punished. I made a loose comment some 4 years back, but looks the person who received it was suffering a lot. So, now I am facing the consequences of my action. Whether you believe it or not, bad actions invoke bad results. My words at that time were a reflection of my own frustrations with my family. I have so many unresolved issues. People don't know what I am facing. Yes, maybe half of my problems are my imagination or I have magnified them, but that's because somewhere I am letting the past influence me. Good or Bad, past is always past. There is no use looking at a glorious past and feeling ecstatic about it, and there is no use ruminating about a bad past and feeling down. I have mentioned this in another post too. Forget the past. If at all you wonder why it should have happened in the first place, then according to me, it's because humans should learn to be compassionate with fellow human beings. A bad experience should tell them not to repeat the same with others, whatever may be the reason. One should think twice before doing bad to others, making hurtful comments or bullying, that's what I gathered from my experiences. Be kind to others, do not be rude and try as much as possible to help others, if one cannot help, then one should at least strive to be independent of other people. We should not expect a pay back for anything. Just leave everything to the creator and keep going forward.
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Its quite difficult to forgive when one face these many bad things in life. But we need to do move on. Past is a ghost. It will haunt you more than anyone. It will affect your mental peace, happiness and even health. You are blessed now that your dh loves you a lot , as clearly indicated by his patience and remorse over the past episodes. But reminding the past again and again, may hurt you and eventually him too. It may be the way you heal. But try your best control your urge to talk and think about the past, when you have a good present. Consciously try to force your mind to think something positive. May be you can chant or sing something when the painful thoughts stuck you or do something to engage your mind.

    Past is done, you cannot reverse it. Count your blessings and move on. You are a strong woman, you can do it. Dont allow your past to spoil your present and future. Good luck. Cheer up.
    sindmani and shravs3 like this.
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    He was good.... and then he wasn't. And Now he is.
    No wonder you can remember, and you are rightly concerned.
    After all, (was it George Santayana who said):
    "Those who forget history are bound to repeat it"
  5. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    you are grieving for you lost time, which you feel that you lost because of your husband, and which is true also....even if he has become nice now but that cant erase his past mistake....try to stay positive but dont beat yourself.....give yourself some time to grieve, you will come out of it....human beings dont have a shift+delete button in their brain, so that they can delete the memories easily....these memories will be faded but it will take some time....when these will be faded , you will not troubled by them anymore....
    Twofeathers likes this.
  6. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear..I am also in the same boat as you have mentioned. No matter how good everyone is trying to do our reaction comes out with past frustration. There is no such rule to overcome. But I am trying one thing. Like the past cruel instances that always run into my mind I just try to put a break and justify it with present love. Like my h never used to take care of kids or anything when they were too small but now he take extra care of me too. So he overcame his past mistake so I should also do with my feelings. But this cannot be true for everything. For that thing count your blessings and think about those who are at more worse condition than yours. Negative is like a storm that we have to keep on fighting and come to peace. No one else can do this for us. Just say to yourself you are not a loser who can spoil herself for these kind of people. Don't let them be so important. Take care.
  7. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    It is very difficult what you have done. And it is very natural to grieve and go into thos "rabbitholes" of our thoughts and past incidents. I would say let yourself feel it. Dont run away from it. If you have access to a counsellor, you should go for therapy. They will give you the tools to identify and deal with your feelings. THE REALLY GOOD THING IS THAT YOUR HUSBAND ACCEPTS ALL HIS MISTAKES AND APOLOGIZES. Not everyone does that . My husband still wont even acknowledge that he abandoned me for his Mother when I needed him. Appreciate that , but at the same way actively pursue methods to get in touch with your feelings.
  8. KayaCholan

    KayaCholan Bronze IL'ite

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    Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness comes at a cost too.
    Sounds like you have been through because of your husband and through him your inlaws. You fell in love with your husband and he should have protected you from the pain but he did not. That emotional pain is still there in your case. Your physical self maybe have healed but your emotional wounds are still raw. And you know what ? That's normal. He has changed and realised his mistake.. Great ! Kudos to him! You have forgiven and taken him back.. thats great too. Kudos to you too because forgiveness is not easy.

    Its going to take time. Just like how no one can tell you exactly how long a physical deep cut can take to heal, no one can tell you how long your emotional wounds will take to heal. Only thing you can do is, take care of the wound. Dont go back and keep scarping the wound. If there is a happy moment you are experiencing stop overshadowing it with past events that have hurt you. Its a way of your mind reminding you of the hurt so you dont get hurt again. Its a natural process but you should try and not let it affect you too much. Learn to compartmentalise it so you can enjoy the good times too. Because over time the good times will overshadow the bad times and memories. It will happen, its only a matter of time. But till then , do you best to live in the moment. Its good that your husband is patient and listens to your pain but dont make it a regular habit because that will kill the mood of the moment and take away the good moments.
  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi SGBV,

    after reading your post, I would suggest you just try to live in the present. It is certainly not easy to forget the past. Besides, as your husband's behaviour has not been exactly consistent, it would be wise to just keep in mind that this might be another phase. Let us hope it is permanent, but don't take it for granted.

    Meanwhile, don't keep dwelling in the past. Be happy about the good things that are happening in the present, but don't forget common sense caution. No matter what your husband says about relaxing and staying at home, DON'T do that any cost. Should things change (let's hope it never does) you need to have your job to fall back on. That is what gave you the strength to go through the darkest phase in your married life.

    Also don't keep digging up the past every time. He might apologize now, but who knows when he gets fed up and reverts back to his old self? He has accepted he was wrong. Leave it at that. Don't push him over the brink. Don't go to the other extreme either and invest all your trust and emotions on him either. A healthy distance between individuals, no matter what the relationship is the key to the relationship lasting long.

    As for the changes in your married life, touch wood and amen.
    Sinant likes this.
  10. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

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    Dearest SGBV,

    This is the imagery I feel when trying to imagine what you are going through - Your now-changed husband is giving you the most delicate and pretty rose on your anniversary. You are delighted to see this but as soon as you hold it, you are reminded of the 9 past anniversaries where there was pain, hurt and loss in your heart and mind - and the memories of these negative experiences are so fresh and are surfacing in your mind. And the question in your post is the last “Why now” ? In every one of those previous painful times, you were at rock-bottom and as a strong-willed and super-positive woman - the only direction to go from rock-bottom is upward - and you only looked at facing, fixing and coming out successful out of those terrible periods. Now that you are past rock-bottom and things are looking up - it is very natural to look back at what you’ve been through.

    So in reality, I think you’ve already fought the hardest battle - to have risen from the most difficult times with sheer strength, will power and come to this stage successfully. You are like a huge Banyan tree - standing tall and wide and accomplishing so much. I myself - a silent reader of just a few of your posts know you have accomplished so much.
    One of your branches (scientifically aerial roots) - is scarred forever - the pain your husband and his family caused you. But enduring that pain *was* a part of you - but there is a lot, lot more to you and lot more to come.

    “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

    In this little gap of time between your mind wandering in to the bitterness of the past - think and imagine yourself as this big and beautiful banyan tree - strong and tall - one scarred branch cannot change the splendor and the magnanimity of the banyan tree. Smile and accept his rose - with all your heart, including the part of it that was deeply hurt. Tell yourself a little mantra - Despite the deepest trenches we (you and your partner) were in, I (with the universe/creator’s mighty grace) willed this rose to be granted to me. I deserve it and will darn right enjoy it!

    You will, you will overcome this pain with time.

    p.s. And I agree with not leaving your job. I feel it could be a big part of who you are, your identify and your confidence/strength to face all issues thrown at you. Try to find some middle ground to give you a slight break from your hectic schedule but please do not give it up fully.
    satchitananda and SunPa like this.

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