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Tired of anxious husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by LoveAll, Nov 19, 2009.

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  1. Nov 19, 2009 #1
    LoveAll

    LoveAll New IL'ite

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    It's been 8 years since i am married. From day one, i noticed my husband has anxious problem. He gets anxious for each and everything and makes a big deal out of it. For even small things he gets worried and makes people around him anxious too.

    I have 2 kids. If they hold a pencil to write something, he immediately say, "oh be careful pencil contain lead". If they start playing with pencil, he yells and immediately grab the pencil.

    If they get fever, he wont even sleep that night. If the children dont take medicine, he shows them hell. Even they miss a little drop, he grabs their throat and almost choke them and put the medicine. when the children have fever, he wont sleep that night. if i try to sleep, he says, how can you even sleep when kids have fever. I know he loves them but his actions are very disturbing.

    If kids sit on carpet, he shouts and yells and make them sit on sofa.

    I am just thinking through my head and writing, the incidets are way too many to mention here.

    Not only with kids when it comes to house or friends he does the same thing. If we need driving directions for some place through yahoo maps , he will give the neigbors address or some other street as starting destination, he wont give our address.

    2 weeks back we went to a swim place to register my kids for swimming lessons, he gave out wrong names, wrong address , wrong date of birth. I said, "this information is imporant because, if they want to contact in emergency how will they contact us." He immediately said, "oh we should never give personal information to people, they will use it." I know we cant give personal info to everyone, but some things are too important to give fake information.

    My child's school need SSN number for admission. I gave my child's SSN number to the school. That day we had a big fight, he yelled me like anything for giving out SSN number. Some things are mandatory what can i do?

    My son was eating choclate in the car, and some of it accidentally fell on the seat. He shouted " screw everything, you guys dont know how to take care of things, make everything trash" Same thing goes, if the paint on the wall fades, if kids spill something on carpet.

    One day while i am cooking he came in to kitchen, i was adding salt to the curry so any way i have to stir the curry so i let the nonstick laddle in the pan. He came and shouted "that can cause cancer, what the hell do you think you are doing?" I said, i have to stir the curry so i just kept the laddle on the pan, and as soon as i am done, i will keep the laddle aside. He made a big scene on that day.

    Next day, he threw all the nonstick pans and spoons and got steel pans and wooden spoons.

    once, I was making chapathis on my counter top and after rolling the chapathis, i kept them on our grantie counter top so that i can cook them later. He came in and said, we are not going to eat those chapathis, Granite can cause cancer and he threw all of them in trash. I know he wants to be careful but he makes such a scene out of everything.

    If there is a missed call oh my god he will make a scene out of it. He will immediately get on the internet and start searching the area code, phone number, name etc.

    Last week we went to a mall, my hubby and me both went to different shops. I had my daughter with me and he took my son. After a while, my daughter said she needs to go to bathroom. I forgot to bring in diaper/pull up. I had no choice because it is urgent, i took her to the public restroom. It is a big mall so obviously the restrooms are clean. I chose a clean restroom, wiped it two times with tissue paper, then let my daughter finish her job. Later we both washed hands, used hand santizer again, and we both came to the shop. All this time i was kind of worried what would my hubby say if he knows this, and i thought of not telling him. When i returned to the shop, my hubby was waiting infront of the shop. I had no choice so i told him that she needs to go to restroom immediately. My hubby gritted his teeth and shouted me in public and he said, enough shopping, let's get home and give her a bath. I had nothing else to do, i just followed him, and as soon as i got home, i gave her a bath.

    One day after my daughter finished drinking milk, i rinsed the bottle with water and filled it with hot water, to wash it later on with soap. I was so busy that day, i forgot to wash the bottle. My hubby came in the evening, he said, "you are such an irresponsible person", and he throw the bottle in trash.

    Last week while he was trying to fix light, the bulb accidentally broke in his hand. He had a cut so he was bleeding. He washed his hand and shouted at the kids not to go near the splinters as it can hurt them. I vaccumed thrice with a mini vaccum and a big vaccum. I made sure there is nothing and even i walked my self on that place just to make sure there are no more splinters there so the kids wont get hurt. He came for inspection. He looked everywhere and he found something. He shouted, "What did you do? what is this?" I got scared and went closer to look if indeed i missed something. It was a glitter/design from my dress. It is so small but it is shiny. I said, it is from my dress. He argued that is the splinter. What else can i do? I just kept quiet and vaccumed again.

    Later he said, "Do you think the spliter went inside my hand?"
    I said,"Does it hurt a lot? If it hurts then may be there is a tiny splinter in you hand"
    He said "It hurts little"
    I said "It's okay, may be it is a small cut"
    He said, "You dont even care when i am hurt, see how much i am bleeding"
    He expects me to be as anxious as himself, if not he will yell that i am uncaring, unresponsible person.


    These are only few things i can think of right now but there are many and many.
    I know all these things seem like he is paying attention to us but the way he behaves when he is trying to do these things is very absurd. He shouts, yells as if world is going to end. I am tired of living afraid each and every moment of life. How can the kids grow if they are constantly afraid of exploring? I want to live a free life with out some one nagging me continuosly and telling me what to do and what not to do.

    I told him many times, that a wife needs her freedom and it hurts if the hubby continuosly complain. He just brushes off saying "oh, trying to be careful is not wrong. There is no value for good people in this world". He finally makes me guilty and stupid.

    If i bring up this topic, i had to go through 2 hours of torture on why he is doing this and why i am wrong. It is finally always me who is wrong. Really am i wrong in thinking like this?
     
    LoveAll, Nov 19, 2009
    LoveAll, Nov 19, 2009
    #1
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  2. Nov 19, 2009 #2
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I am for sure he is suffuring with some disorder.

    Do you have any choice of looking help from some DR?
     
    Priya16, Nov 19, 2009
    Priya16, Nov 19, 2009
    #2
  3. Nov 19, 2009 #3
    SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Loveall (cute username)

    Welcome to IL...hope you get to make some good friends and get some ease of mind here....

    I have to say..I didnt feel that your husband is paying over attention...My first reaction was..he is a control freak...overly anxious and overly protective...They like things their way....even if its the wrong way....might be he was like that since his childhood...so to change such habits you need lot of time and patience....

    I understand when you say, he keeps lecturing you...even when he knows all his fears are just some fears...not things to be really worried about...

    I guess such anxious people, never sit at one place, they keep moving around even in the house, keep monitoring, keep wondering whats happening who is doing what etc...

    So , might be some yoga or praanayama exercises which would really make him sit or tie him down atleast for an hour in a day would relaly help is what I think...This is just the first step....hoping this would put his mind and body at ease with nothing to run for atleast for sometime in a day....

    Might be both of you enroll for classes..now how you make him agree to it is what you have to figure out...

    Next point...you being a mature adult , when he lectures you, you try to be quiet for the sakeof kids and marraige...but when your kids grow up , they woudl become more rebelleous with such a controlling parent around..(as you know if we say no to something, kids would surely do that...all our lectures or controlling wont work on them...we have to befriend our own kids and understand them, give them some independance. we tackle them only by putting rules and monitoring...not monitoring and lecturing way...)

    You got to explain this to your husband...moreover it would have bad affect on kids too if he keeps lecturing you, shouting at you infront of them....kids would have no respect for either of the parent....

    Ask him, what are the areas of household that he can give away to you..so that you can manage all by yourself...with totally zero intervention from his side...put down your foot and ask him to make that decision...pick few areas and take them and tell him , i you need help , you would surely come to him...until then he shouldnt interfere...he can suggest but not say his way is right...

    This is your house also....you are not a servant or an outsider who would deliver kids and cook food or a care taker...if its your house...you should have flexibility to make decisions....

    I understand when he starts lecturing, sometimes you woudl get carried away..and just for him to stop that nonstop nonsense talk you would say yes to whatever he is talking...just to keep peace...But going forward it would be more difficult if you dont start working on it from now on atleast....

    let me know what your thoughts are on the above points
     
    SriVidya75, Nov 19, 2009
    SriVidya75, Nov 19, 2009
    #3
  4. Nov 19, 2009 #4
    Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Loveall,

    It is just his nature...thats all it is.

    So let him be his way.Some people are v hygiene conscious and clean freaks but some eat road side food.I for one can never ever eat anything road side.I kinda freak out,that dosent make me abnormal or anxious or it dosent mean that i need dr attention.It just means to say that i am not comfortable with the cleanliness there and cant eat that food.I dont allow my dh also to eat road side food but sometimes he does eat and thats ok for me.
    So my advice as a well wisher,just let him be.Dont take things too seriously.You have a loving husband who is a bit different,count your blessings and move on.
    Gud luck and God bless.

    suji
     
    Sujimallige, Nov 19, 2009
    Sujimallige, Nov 19, 2009
    #4
  5. Nov 19, 2009 #5
    Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Just my thought:

    He was not able to give his own house address to the friends.It's not just about cleaning.So basically he has problem with beleving people or whatever.Not able to give the address at swim classes.
    He is has some extreme condition,which makes people do these things.
    Dr says for everything some kind of disorder.I guess there could be something even from childhood.
    Only thing I know,it's not very easy for women to cop of these things.
     
    Priya16, Nov 19, 2009
    Priya16, Nov 19, 2009
    #5
  6. Nov 19, 2009 #6
    SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Suji

    Beleive me...my best friends husband is exactly like this....couple of months ago, we went to their house warming party...beleive me..I was totally annoyed and upset and very very angry with the way he was controlling my friend....really I was glad at that time, that atleast my husband gave me freedom in some things or should I say in most of the things....realised the value of freedom.

    Its really very very stressful to live with such a person...it sucks life out of the opp. person...even to be around such control freak...can you beleive my friend has to take approval from her husband on every dish she cooks at home...if he is in office he wont mind..but if he is working from home or if he is at home...she has to take his approval on how much salt to put, how much oil to put, how much cchilli to put She is a super cook...everyone knows that, even her husband knows that...but he wont let her put the dish on the table unless he says yes...now to avoid fights or arguments and long lectures....she too just asks for approval (just like the way you said...she is trying to put up with it...but tell me how long..all this bottled up stuff is not good for her too...)

    I will give you another example..all of us were taking pics in their new home...and we said we would take pics of them...their son was not interested and running around with other kids...so my friend told her husband why dont they both as a couple take pics...??? he said he doesnt like it that way..he wants to take pics as a family that includes their son..and without their son..he wont do anything..he grabbed his son..the son was crying..not ready for photos...my friends husband spanked the kid coupleof times...to stand straight or smile for the photo..(now tell me what do we call this...??? did we say keep the son out of the family???NOOO..we said why dont they take some pics both of them...we already had other photo session with the kid...)its just that if his wife says something...he would surely do the opp. thing..totally opp. and his word should always win..no matter even if his son / wife are crying...it was really painful to see the kid crying and he was spanked to control the tears...i cant handle such things...god knows how my friend has such patience

    also my friends husband shouts at my friend right infront of everyone..he says words like dont argue...you are headstrong...you are overacting...I know this girl for the past 10 yrs and she was a very good team player and she has some good working exp. in a MNC before she got married...after she got married...she is being treated the like maid of the house...or a robot..where she has to do what her husband orders her for!!! no other discussion or word...

    Its really painful to see my friend going through all this...I have no solution for her..except for listening to her bottled up emotions once in a while:hide:

    By the way ..I dont mean that she has to separate or leave...but atleast there shouldbe a ground where he should be open for some discussion or some suggestions...But sadly...my friend has zero ground on that..totally zero and her family background is making her stick to this guy..thats all
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2009
    SriVidya75, Nov 19, 2009
    SriVidya75, Nov 19, 2009
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  7. Nov 19, 2009 #7
    Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    control freak.

    This is what I can think of reading your post. It is only because of such people all these internet articles are making rounds. This has lead, that leads to cancer and what not. Being cautious and hygienic is one thing, but over doing it is wrong. Do it for yourself, don't force your actions on others. For example, suji does not like eating outside. But she does not make a scene or drama when her husband does. She accepts him as is right. That's how it should be.

    I guess you need to have a open discussion with your husband. You being quiet and just accepting to all he says to avoid any more torture is the on going problem. You cannot swallow it nor spill it out and suffering internally.

    Tell him that you appreciate him being very hygiene, protective of yourself and the kids. But it has to be done in moderation. A balance. We shud not do anything too much.
    He cannot control everything around him, certain things happen no matter what. Just because he is not giving out personal information in the internet does not mean he is SAFE. I can give N number of reasons and opportunities to creep his so-called safe netted life. So ask him to just mellow down a bit and enjoy life.
     
    Nandshyam, Nov 19, 2009
    Nandshyam, Nov 19, 2009
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  8. Nov 19, 2009 #8
    LoveAll

    LoveAll New IL'ite

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    Thanks priya, srividya,suji , nandshyam for your replies. Seriously, i dont know how to make him understand that something is wrong with him. Last time i told him that i can't take it anymore, he said, "If you do things you are supposed to do, then why would i complain?" After each argument he blames me for the fault. For taking up yoga or some self improvement classes i am totally ready, but he will not accept because, he always think there is nothing wrong with him. I feel like i am trying to move a mountain, just the thought of talking to him.

    sujimallige, even i dont eat outside food because of hygiene sake. My husband even doubt home made food. He always sees things as if they are wrong or defineteley they will be wrong.

    There are many big things to be worried about, he is just anxious of little things, and expect me to be the same too. Yesterday my daughter spilled small glass of water on carpet. He got so mad. He started shouting, "our house will get mold, no one will buy our house, etc". Next 2 hours he blotted that area with almost one bounty paper roll, he blow dryed that area. Entire night the fan was on. just for one glass of water he made such an issue, imagine if there is flooding or some water problem?
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2009
    LoveAll, Nov 19, 2009
    LoveAll, Nov 19, 2009
    #8
  9. Nov 19, 2009 #9
    SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    LoveAll

    Dont say something is wrong with him..tell him you need to take your steam off and get clarity of mind...so you want to go..and it would be great if he could also join...that way you both would do some activity together....what say??? (trust me some how I am also clueless...as I keep thinking of my friends situation...such people are tough nuts to crack...its kind of a OBSESSIVE DISORDER)
     
    SriVidya75, Nov 19, 2009
    SriVidya75, Nov 19, 2009
    #9
  10. Nov 19, 2009 #10
    Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Is he a religious person?
     
    Nandshyam, Nov 19, 2009
    Nandshyam, Nov 19, 2009
    #10
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