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Tired and distracted for sex

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by nitu, Oct 22, 2005.

  1. nitu

    nitu Guest

    Ladies,

    I am wondering whether other working women also face this problem. I work till 7pm in the night. Once I get home I spend some time feeding my daughter and getting her to bed. I have quick dinner with my husband and after that I want to crash in bed and sleep.

    The problem is that I really don't have any energy for sex. My husband is really nice. He has a way of showing that he is interested, but he will not force anything on me. But, I am so tired that I just want to sleep. Even if we start having sex, I am distracted by the million things that I need to take care at work next day. Many times, we start and never finish - literally leaving my husband hanging. I feel very guilty.

    Does anyone have a similar problem?
     
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  2. Sharada

    Sharada Senior IL'ite

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    Delicate

    Nitu,
    This is a very delicate and personal matter. Hence no one has come out openly and admitted that they are in a similar situation! In some cases the husband is too stressed and indifferent towards his wife; or the wife is too bogged down by household chores and routine to be passionate in bed.
    All that I can say is - let's swap!
    Sharada
     
  3. nitu

    nitu Guest

    Hi Sharada..
    Thanks for your message. Agree that this is a very sensitive matter, particularly among us. That is why I thought many times before posting the message. The last incident with my husband really pushed me to the edge and I needed some help on how others are handling such situations. Even if a member personally is not in my situation, I thought they might provide some helpful suggestions that I could use. Thanks Sharada.
     
  4. Kamla

    Kamla Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Nita,
    You shouldn't be having any misgivings about how things are for you and your husband. Life in US is very hectic and more so if both are working and have a little one to take care of. You should have a talk with your husband about the stressful routine and why you feel the way you do. Maybe you can agree on catching up over weekends when perhaps both of you are more relaxed and in a better mindset. I am sure things will work out and all the best. In the meantime, I wish you a very happy Deepawali and be glad that lots of holidays are ahead:)
     
  5. Asha

    Asha New IL'ite

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    same here nitu

    I am a working woman too and work till 6.30 by the time I am home which is @ 7.30 I am sloshed all I can think of just grabbing something to eat and hit the bed.

    But I am lucky as my husband is very understanding since he does not force me into it.
     
  6. reshna

    reshna New IL'ite

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    Overdo on Weekends, maybe.

    Nitu, I completely understand your situation, which is pretty delicate as Sharada says.

    In today's world, many husbands try to be a gentleman, not forcing sex on women. They also don't want to appear demanding. But that does not mean that we can take their understanding nature for granted. Sex is to man what conversation is to women. Hence, we need to be extremely sensitive to husband's biological needs.

    I think Kamla's suggestion is pretty practical. You overdo a bit (twice a day maybe!) during weekends to compensate for action-less weekdays. I would also try and see if you can plan on getting home early on atleast one or two week days so that you both can engage in the activity.

    The fact that you are thinking about this issue itself indicates that you are a very sensitive person. This issue needs to be dealt with in a timely manner, before starvation pushes him quietly somewhere else.

    Best of Luck!
     
  7. ankita_chitnis

    ankita_chitnis Bronze IL'ite

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    Is work worth it?

    Nitu,

    At the end, you also want to think whether your current job is worth the compromise at home? We all work to live and not the other way around. What is the point of working if you can't live a happy sex-life?

    This is how work takes over our life and before we knew it, 10 years of our life is gone! We then sit back and repent for all the bygone days. Also, sex drive (for him and you) is highest during the 5-10 years after marriage. You don't want to fritter that precious time away working!
     
  8. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Hai,
    Even though it is a sensitive issue, I think we should have somebody to talk these things out. We cannot got a therapist for each and everything. May be wewill get some idea from the experiences of others. That is what I feel. Hope you all will take my suggerstions in a light manner.
    If you both are romantic people, you can try many ideas.
    Try to get a part time job, if financially suited.
    There was a scene in one Tamil movie 'gopala gopala' where the hero tells his neibours (women) to set the alarm to 4 am. When the husbands get up at that time, they find it difficult to start their work or go back to sleep. You can tr this on week ends, so that you can sleep for a little longer in the morning.
    Do not think it as a chore to be done.
    And do enjoy your time together now, that will keep you both bonded in later years. Myself and my husband are in our forties. He was not much interested when we were young, when I was. Now he is very much interested and I am not at all. I just want to be left alone. This is a main issue of dischord between us. To avoid this, please act your age and enjoy life. All the best.
    varloo
     
  9. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    your sex life isn't healthy..............

    Hi Nitu,


    Hope I’m not too late to respond to ur mail.

    This sure is a sensitive issue but if u can’t share it here u can’t do it anywhere else.

    I personally feel your sex life isn’t healthy.

    Whatever said and done, the basics never change. A man can understand love only thru physical closeness initially. Its takes time depending upon their maturity to move on to the next level wherein both of you can exchange ur love just by a glance. Wherein he understands you completely and every time u come closer it needn’t end in the bed.

    We have heard stories about how in olden days men go for hunting and the womenfolk prepare good food for them and decorate themselves and wait for their return. The man would return only if the women could satisfy his needs – when I say needs it includes everything. If he finds another female interesting he would just forget her. Probably they had a difficult job at hand.

    Now things have changed and men are far more understanding but don’t take that for granted. I had the same problem but for other reasons. These initial years are the most important years for couples and pls don’t waste it. You’ll never get them back.
    Plan weekend outings. See if u can leave ur daughter with ur parents or in-laws and spend weekends all by yourself.

    My hubby used to pick up our daughter and myself from office on Friday evenings and we used drive to a resort. We spent a lot of time together, which we never got at home. My daughter sleeps early and after that we used to spend time together. After making love, there were times when we used to just talk till early morning. We used to come back home refreshed and ready to take on the work on Monday.
    Whenever there was nobody at home – inlaws & others, I used to take leave, prepare his favourite food and give a surprise call to my hubby. Very important is make sure his day is free. In the sense, he's not sitting for any important meetings or important appointments or all ur efforts will lead u somewhere else.

    I wouldn't want to write further but pls understand the importance of it now -

    If weekdays are busier then plan a nice weekend just for ur family. Make those days special so he wouldn’t feel neglected, unsatisfied,………
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2005
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  10. sushi

    sushi Silver IL'ite

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    Never feel guilty about going to work...

    Hi Nitu..

    As can be seen, you are overworked both mentally and physically which if can be sorted out , then many of your problems can be solved. For this you have to first remove the guilt feeling from your mind. Many wives/mothers feel guilty about going to job leaving their child/children to be taken care of by others. But think for one moment..Can you afford to leave your job and even if you feel you can leave the job and live an economical life, tell me for how much time your children will be depending upon you. At certain period of time, they will be more independent and you will be regretting leaving the job. Secondly, you are working for the benefit of the family particularly to give a better life to the children. In that case, why dont you raise your head and work proudly without feeling guilty about not caring the children as you would like to. In my life, I have been working for the last 38 years and have never got bored about my job or my life. You have to line up your priorities...eg. When the children have exams or a child is sick then your priority is at home and make your boss understand that you have a family to take of and at times family should be given the first priority. Even male colleagues take leave for their family problems. Even there may be some criticism ..but dont bother. You have to live your life .Though at the initial stage of motherhood, it may be difficult but at a later stage your earnings are going to quite helpful in giving your children a better life. Moreover, I feel by giving quality time to your children, you gain to get more respect, friendliness from the children. At one stage of life, you and your children become very friendly and having money of your own also brings more harmony in the house as you grow old.

    Secondly, make your hubby understand that two hands and heads can do the household work quickly so that you will not be tired and can make him happy too. Plan your work in such a way that, when you return from work, you have very little to do so that you can relax with the children and then with the hubby. Nowadays, I find younger generation husbands dont have any qualms about doing household chores or even taking care of the children in public which was considere to be a taboo in our days. Though my hubby used to help me a lot but when guests come, he will not enter the kitchen. But the scenerio is changed today and as of today he even makes tea for my daughter in laws as they cherish his masala tea.

    Finally, sex is a thing to be enjoyed by both and for this your have to first create the romantic mood .. Week ends and early mornings are the best time when you are quite fresh as someone had mentioned earlier. If I have to quote my example, we used to even play a game or cards and if I win, my hubby will take me to a movie and if he wins, I will fulfil his wish...obvious. sometimes the game used to prolong and sometimes, we used to abandon the game in the middle. For all this, you need relaxation in mind and body after coming from work and which can be achieved very easily with some help from your hubby and also by proper planning.

    Finally, again I would like to reiterate that 'Never feel guilty about going to work'.

    sushi
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2005

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