Tips To Enjoy/stay Calm During Il Visit ?

ThoughtsParv · Aug 10, 2017

Hi All,

My Fil will be visiting soon and staying for 6 months. He has visited us previously too.

Staying in US, my adjustment muscle is not strong. In addition I am ideologically very different from him - Feminist/Liberal/Not too traditional.
Fil is a good man - no demands, helps out as he can.My husband is a good guy too. We take decisions together and act. Share all home tasks as he can (but works longer hours )

However every time my fil visits, me and DH fight a lot. This is very stressful plus I start questioning whether our marriage would have survived if we lived in India and get depressed over it.

This time I am pregnant and do not want to be stressed. I recognize a lot of this is how I deal with things/react to things so I am looking for some tips on how to stay calm.

The main categories which gets my BP high is:

-> My husband had a very different upbringing from mine. When my parents say something I don't agree with it, I let them know my thoughts. Husband on the other hand never stands up to his dad.
For example: Fil tells us not to buy new clothes, Not to take pictures while pregnant, Thinks we should do laundry everyday etc. I cannot answer back to him, my husband won't ( but will tell me to continue to do what I want just hidden from FIL ) This makes me really mad, I want an open environment in my home.

-> We do not get any time together. DH goes to work early before anyone wakes up. In the evening he wants to make Fil feel welcome and sit and talks way into the night. I am usually asleep before he comes to bed.

-> Fil is very set in diet/preferences etc. So much more cooking and restrictive in restaurants etc. But what makes me unhappy is lack of appreciation. I try and make things he likes and he rarely says an appreciative word, usually has suggestions for improvement. Even when I ask if he like somethings, he would say something like ' I am old, do not care about food taste etc. ' When my husband cooks, he is all praises !

-> Me and DH have a routine of how we do tasks - dishes/cleanup etc. at evening. My FIL wants to feel useful so when we are at work he does a lot of cleaning (sweeping the whole house/hand washing dishes). I feel uncomfortable about this - he never does any work my Sil's place and keeps telling me how efficient she is. In addition, he will particularly call out the work he did when only I am around - eg. " I could not bend but I sat on the floor and cleaned it". Plus we have Roomba/dishwasher etc. which we like to use for efficiency but he lectures us about electricity and tries to complete all work by hand.
Even eating dinner @ night is a race. My and FIL eat as fast as we can to be the first to do dishes ! my husband is oblivious and actually stops doing some of the things he would do otherwise.

-> There will be overlap between my parents + fil visit and the last time that happened it did not end well. Fil felt offended by something, my parents did not even notice , he complained to son. My and DH had a huge fight each siding with own parents. This was on an important occasion and overshadowed my celebration of that day. Whenever I see my Fil and parents together, I can only think of that incident.

I understand all these are small things but I am not able to control my mind. Any advice will be useful.

Thanks!

ThoughtsParv · Aug 10, 2017

Also, are there any ground rules me and DH can discuss before hand to avoid situations? Apart from saying something to his dad , he will be receptive about other requests.

Sandycandy · Aug 10, 2017

This sounds a lot like my situation ( except FIL isn't very traditional, doesn't compete to do dishes either). Here's what works for me :
A) let the " husband" take a backseat , let him be the "son" ( if it's a short visit)
B) Don't expect husband to correct his dad about anything he does or says ( specially if it pertains to you ) , most husbands don't .
C)Don't complain to the husband about the dad , you end up seeming like negative whiner , plus it's not good for you. You also leave the door open for your husband to criticize your family.
D) pick and choose your battles , don't fret over small things but do put your foot down when it's something major affecting your self respect. That has more of an impact, specially with the husband.
E) expect the FIL to praise your SIL, he's not your dad.
F) catch up with friends , pursue hobbies or just watch a movie , anything to prevent a conflict .
G) NEVER overlap IL and parents visits.
Sorry to sound preachy !

poovai · Aug 10, 2017

Everything is going well, don't rock the boat.

Just tell how much you appreciate FIL's help around the house and be nice, treat him well. He is not your dad but, he pitches way more than he could to help you guys.

Your DH is right, don't tell policy works better in some cases than being honest. Arguing will only make more commotion and will upset FIL during his stay here. Overall, FIL seems to be nice / adjustable in your house.

As a kid, if your DH wasn't comfortable in arguing with his dad, he never will be.
On certain things, you should let it go off the matter and deal diligently with opponent's nature in mind, specially with elders.

ThoughtsParv · Aug 10, 2017

Thank you SandyCandy and Poovai. I really appreciate the messages and can see myself coming back and reading this everytime I think I am going to lose it.

Sandycandy said: ↑

A) let the " husband" take a backseat , let him be the "son" ( if it's a short visit)'
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Agreed, but it is 6 months every year. I feel like I have husband for half a year only!
Of course my parents visit often too, except I is so easy to tell them 'We want to go out alone etc.'

ThoughtsParv · Aug 10, 2017

But thank you for the good tips. Changing expectation and choosing the battles will be my mantra. Need to remember that he is just trying to be helpful.

Overlapping visits cannot be avoided, My mom is coming for delivery and My fil wants to be there when baby is born, for 11 day ceremony etc. I don't have a say in this. This time almost a month overlap! This is my biggest worry.

Sandycandy · Aug 10, 2017

Six months is a long time ! You can go for "Lamaze" classes and baby wellness appointments to get some private time !

ThoughtsParv said: ↑

But thank you for the good tips. Changing expectation and choosing the battles will be my mantra. Need to remember that he is just trying to be helpful.

Overlapping visits cannot be avoided, My mom is coming for delivery and My fil wants to be there when baby is born, for 11 day ceremony etc. I don't have a say in this. This time almost a month overlap! This is my biggest worry.

Click to expand...

ashneys · Aug 10, 2017

ThoughtsParv said: ↑

-> My husband had a very different upbringing from mine. When my parents say something I don't agree with it, I let them know my thoughts. Husband on the other hand never stands up to his dad.
For example: Fil tells us not to buy new clothes, Not to take pictures while pregnant, Thinks we should do laundry everyday etc. I cannot answer back to him, my husband won't ( but will tell me to continue to do what I want just hidden from FIL ) This makes me really mad, I want an open environment in my home.
Click to expand...

This happens at many homes, including mine. Just continue to do what you want. If you can't or don't want to hide n do, just do. Either explain sweetly or jus smile n move when he spots you. At one point he will also get tired of saying when no one is listening. Ask your dh not to raise this as a issue if his dad complains.

ThoughtsParv said: ↑

-> We do not get any time together. DH goes to work early before anyone wakes up. In the evening he wants to make Fil feel welcome and sit and talks way into the night. I am usually asleep before he comes to bed.
Click to expand...

Arrange alternative days. Since he's staying for half the year every year, you need to work out permanent solutions. In a week, 3 days for you, 3 days for your fil, 1 day for your dh. Or work out specific hours.

ThoughtsParv said: ↑

-> Fil is very set in diet/preferences etc. So much more cooking and restrictive in restaurants etc. But what makes me unhappy is lack of appreciation. I try and make things he likes and he rarely says an appreciative word, usually has suggestions for improvement. Even when I ask if he like somethings, he would say something like ' I am old, do not care about food taste etc. ' When my husband cooks, he is all praises !
Click to expand...

Don't bother. If it really bothers you, point out sweetly that he praises only his son but not you, who's like a daughter and you would like some appreciations too. N see if understands.

ThoughtsParv said: ↑

-> Me and DH have a routine of how we do tasks - dishes/cleanup etc. at evening. My FIL wants to feel useful so when we are at work he does a lot of cleaning (sweeping the whole house/hand washing dishes). I feel uncomfortable about this - he never does any work my Sil's place and keeps telling me how efficient she is. In addition, he will particularly call out the work he did when only I am around - eg. " I could not bend but I sat on the floor and cleaned it". Plus we have Roomba/dishwasher etc. which we like to use for efficiency but he lectures us about electricity and tries to complete all work by hand.
Even eating dinner @ night is a race. My and FIL eat as fast as we can to be the first to do dishes ! my husband is oblivious and actually stops doing some of the things he would do otherwise.
Click to expand...

Ofcourse he will praise his daughter, but you won't know the real story. So don't bother about it.
If he says something like that, jus say "no pa, why did you do this? Please don't do." Or something like that. He says in front of you to validate what he did and to show you all he did. Appreciate him for his work n say don't do work. He will continue to do. You continue to keep saying.
Ask your dh why does he stop his usual work around the house when his dad is here, is it because his dad is doing it? Or don't want to work in front of his dad? Ask him to continue.

ThoughtsParv said: ↑

-> There will be overlap between my parents + fil visit and the last time that happened it did not end well. Fil felt offended by something, my parents did not even notice , he complained to son. My and DH had a huge fight each siding with own parents. This was on an important occasion and overshadowed my celebration of that day. Whenever I see my Fil and parents together, I can only think of that incident.
Click to expand...

Make an agreement with your dh, to stop arguing about this topic. When there is a concern, you will write letters and pass it to each other and won't raise your voice about it. Or discuss point to point like office meetings. No extra emotions. Solve the 'particular' raised issue at that time n move on rather than playing my daddy the biggest- my daddy the strongest. So both of you, force yourself to handle everything calmly.

Your fil is with you guys for half the year, every year. So you have to find permanent solutions rather than temporary ones and go through this every year.

This is a happy time. Make a pact that your health and baby is the top most priority, everyone else will take a back seat.