Tips needed to handle orthodox MIL

hai friend, even i am also sailing in the same boat...I am staying in india and my mil is staying separately...She used to come monthly once here..Suppose if i had my periods at those days she also ask me to sit separately, serve food only after hubby, FIL and MIL had taken, even she will pour water whenever i walk from one room to other, i should never use bed at those days even though it will be very cooling here etc etc...endless tortures..During festival days cooking will be done separately for me. She do everything but she will shout always. Saying i am suffering all alone here. NObody is there to help. My husband will run behind her for help and he will chop vegetables, help her in kitchen etc...My FIL will grate coconut and prepare everything in pooja room. But still she will shout a lot. You know even during last pongal i had my periods and she prepared pongal separately for me. But she put lot of salt in it and gave and i shed tears in my eyes. You will certainly laugh if you know what is the side dish for my pongal. It is idli podi. This plate was brought to me by my husband and he compelled to eat and he also felt that my mother is suffering all alone. She is doing so many works. Nobody is there to help her. She prepared separately for you eventhough she is busy. You should eat. Dont waste it. I told my hubby that it was not good and asked him to taste the same. He refused.Usually during periods i used to stay upstairs separately. He also told me not to come outside of the room. As my FIL, MIL and my DH will go upstairs to do naivedhyam to lord sun. I should not see them. Hence i was locked inside till afternoon. I slept. My husband came and woke me up and asked me to come down for lunch. I went down and had my lunch. When i went to wash my hands my MIL poured water from hall till the place i went as my footprints are considered as theetu. I really felt insulted and shamed. Next time they came here for avani avittam. After all pooja was over i had my periods. My MIL and FIL was about to leave to their native place. I told my hubby that i got my periods now. My mother was there during that day. Actually my mother is a heart patient and she also developed sudden leg pain after a severe viral fever. But my MIL will never help my mother but command her to do all routines. She will command me also. But i feel low when she command my mother. She find fault with her activities also. Okay let that be a different story. I helped my mother during avani avittam to just serve the lunch in the afternoon. Around afternoon in laws left. In the evening i found tears in my hubby's eyes and he told that he is feeling guilty. "My parents are the people following certain disciplines in life..It got spoiled today". i replied him that if i entered adamantly into pooja room or cooked food means u can worry. But i just served the cooked food. God will never punish me for this. I helped my mother as she had developed chronic knee pain and severe sweat which may lead to high blood pressure. But he was not conviced and i left. Till now my hubby will never support me and always be a dutiful son to his parents. What is the use..? Parents are important only but why do men ignore wife. According to my MIL food should not be kept in dining table and serve. The serving lady should walk from kitchen to hall to serve food. If i kept everything in dining table she will shout. Even if i keep milk, ghee water separtely as it is considered as pathu, pasai etc she used to shout. My hubby will never reply and my FIL will also remain silent. Hence we should walk always. I considered it as a foolish thing. But i cant convince my hubby. What to do...? My MIL is very adamant and rude also...She will see only madi, acharam...and not bothered much about cleanliness...It is only rough rituals and not divine oriented.

 

Hi Socialbee
I understand how frustrating it can be especially if you dont believe in all those things. The custom was made in old days to let the women rest during periods as they had a huge workload and it really meant complete REST. Also in those days we are a little low on energy levels so is not a bad idea to avoid doing pooja etc as these things should be for positive energy.
But now its not so for all the things. We still have to go to work and do all the supplementary work just not things related to God. Its so twisted version of the traditions. Even my MIL wouldn't allow me near cooking or pooja area and I do it when i'm at her place. My hubby takes care if I need water, tea, food without even asking (I know lucky me) but I still hate it. And top of that they complain of all the work they have to do alone as if we shouldn't have periods when we are with them.
I would suggest do not argue with her she is not going to change. Tell her you would do what you can and what you believe in no blind following. And more important tell your husband he can't be selective lets you go to work, do house chores and still follow his mom's traditions even if it is tiring for you. He can't force you to follow what you don't feel like from within because it is meaningless.
Good luck
Vaidehi

 

rharini8182,
That is so rude and weird.
I think you should take complete rest physically and mentally from next time. Let them do all the work and complaining too. Don't bother just enjoy your quiet time in your room with sleep, read books, watch tv.
Be Happy
Vaidehi

 

I think your mil is a psycho. And if you can excuse my words, your husband a fool. He had tears in his eyes because is mother was hurt when you served food during your periods? Pls tell him that women's periods are not a disease. That's a power only a woman has through which she conceives and carries progeny for her husband. Oh maybe he isn't aware because he wasn't born through the natural method. Maybe your mil just conceived him by magic by saying some mantras to God and he just popped out. I pity your plight.

 

rharini, i dont know what wud really solve ur issue. atleast husband should understand his wife if the inlaws are behavin rude to her. in your case ur hubby seems perfectly moulded by ur MIL for her own use for her entire life. i really hope that some miracle happens in your life that u come out of this despair

in my case, i had a dirty sil at home with my inlaws. my mil used to ask me to keep my bed spreads separately to wash and keep a separate plate for me to hav food. i hated her intention of humiliating me andof letting the whole family know that am having my periods. being brought up in a broad minded family which has very forward thinking in every aspect of life it was a difficult time for me.. but my sil is a princess..her periods will be considered as auspicious days. she wud leave her napkin wrappers on her bed itself and used napkins in the bathroom and leave for work...my mil will do all the cleaning work later. but the bed spreads wont need a wash. my hubby made a issue when i unknowingly left a napkin wrapper (jst the wrapper). but i made it clear to him that its not any untouchable thing and jst a piece of paper and ive changed his views on this a lot. it should be about cleanliness and personal hygiene..not about what the oldies insist as theetu.. and shouldnt humiliate a girl on those days.

but u know what MILs jst use periods to abuse more and humiliate Dils on those days.

 

exactly socialbee, i dint hesitate to tell about my sil to him:bonk

 

Socialbee,

It is sad to hear that even today people can be like this.... saying that, I personally know of people who still follow the 'dictats' of their in-laws regarding staying separate etc... I can only bow down to them for being able to do this... Your mil wants you to stay separate when you have ur periods... ask if your husband is willing to do everything those days (as suggested by others). Tell him that you will not enter into the kitchen or help him in any way. If he is able to, then simply enjoy your rest As for the innumerable festivals and poojas, do what you can, only if YOU WANT... if you dont feel like, then simply make some payasam, and be done with it.. If your husband insists that you do, insist on his help. Please dont try to reason with your mil. that never seems to work.. the more we try to explain, the more they can make life difficult for us!! I faced some of this, and used to get real upset.. I used to get told off for not having done exactly what I was told! Off late, I simply dont bother, I tell if asked.. if I am questioned as to why I didnt call to get a recipe etc, I say that I have the best guides in the world - the Internet!!

Harini,

I am really sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes our husbands dont realise what we are going through... at least you are not expected to take meds to postpone ur periods at the time of any festival. My cousin is expected to do that and her mil gets really upset if she does not! Chin up girl!!

Mythili