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Things you wished your inlaws would know......

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ennaye, Apr 18, 2009.

  1. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    The main reasons I joined this forum was to try and understand how young DILs feel about their inlaws.

    It has been quite an enlightening experience. This is a good way to learn how to be an understanding MIL and try and change the stereotype image of a MIL.

    Following are some of the points that I have picked up. Maybe you could add a few missing ones of your own:

    1. Maintain respectful boundaries.

    2. Do not expect instant love. The DIL- MIL relationship needs building on. The first step is to be taken by the MIL. She has to show the DIL how much she is wanted by her new family.

    3. Please desist from giving advice unless you are asked for it. Its a temptation to tell your DIL how to do a particular chore. Hold on!! Do not do that unless she asks for your help.

    4. Don't keep calling your son / daughter every hour. Let them be. They have a life of their own too.

    5.Do not complain about your DIL or SIL to your son or daughter. You are not helping them build a good life together.

    6.Don't insist on being called Mom or Dad by the new member of the family.

    7. When visiting , don't overstay your welcome.

    8. Your son or daughter's primary allegiance is to their married partner.

    9. Do not try to be as young and as fashionable as your DIL. Dress up according to your age.

    10.A very important point for your own happiness is that you should have a life that is fulfilling and satisfying, independent of your DIL /SIL.

    Would love to hear of some more points that I may have missed.:goodidea:
     
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  2. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Great Start! I'll add the following

    1. Show respect for the DIL's thinking on how to run her household/family.
    2. Don't keep comparing her behavior to that of your own daughters.
    3. Show respect to DIL's family and don't get into a competition with DIL's mother.
    4. Don't disrespect your DIL in front of your family friends or make comments about her behavior in public.

    Bottom Line : Love and Respect is a 2 way street. MIL's should not demand respect just bec. your son married the DIL. MIL's should prove themselves worthy of love and respect through their thoughts and actions.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I would like to add, if your child has an ex-spouse, do not go on and on telling the new spouse about them. New spouse doesn't care and doesn't want to know! New spouse does NOT want to imagine their significant other in love with the ex. Rant
     
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  4. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    I specifically want to address Point No. 3.

    I am a DIL. AND, I have to say that MANY times, the competition between a MIL & a DIL's mother is forged unwittingly by the DIL herself! As women, we are the home managers and the social calendar keepers of our homes. AND, we naturally tend to gravitate towards our own families. Net result: Our families of origin tend to be more involved in our lives and the lives of our immediate families than our husbands' families are / do. This makes the PILs, esp. the MILs, feel "left out" and they react by interjecting themselves more forcibly into the sons' family life, just to make sure that they gets "equal time" with the son and the grand-kids, "on par with DIL's Mom".

    I, myself, realized this only a short while ago. As a result, I told my husband that he needs to make a conscious effort to involve HIS family more in his life (and the life of our daughter), in order to help MIL feel that she is as EQUAL important to HIM and to our daughter, as my own mother is TO ME and to our daughter! That way, she would quit blaming me for being "ousted" from his life by the wicked wife of the west!

    This means MORE contact (on HIS part) with HIS parents and sibling, extensive time alone (for him) with his family when we visit India, equal time for his parents with our daughter as with my own parents during these "vacations", etc. Net result: MIL's competitiveness has decreased dramatically! What she really wanted was for her son to acknowledge her as equally important to him as her DIL's mother was to DIL. AND, she no longer exhibits a bitter, catty attitude about how my parents are "hogging" the grandchild and their precious son away from her (and FIL, of course).

    Everything in life is a two-way street, and I urge DILs to put in an equal effort in getting to know their MILs as women first, and their husbands' mothers next. Be respectful and gracious and understand that some of the behaviors that MILs manifest may be due to their own insecurities and you may win half the battle just by being empathetic and emotionally intelligent! Of course, some MILs are bitter, old, battle axes, anyway - this "advice" is not directed towards any DILs who are saddled with such types. Everything written above is for women who have reasonable, sane MILs who are just a tad insecure and upset at being dethroned from their sons' lives as 'Queen Supreme' by younger "upstarts"!
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2009
  5. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Nice list. I am making this list, gender-neutral, as the above points would fit MILs of BOTH SNILs AND DILs:

    1. Treat your SNIL / DIL as you would want your own son / daughter to be treated by THEIR in-laws.

    2. Do not belittle your SNILs' / DILs' parents and bad-mouth them every time you clash with your SNIL / DIL. No one likes to hear negative things about their parents and this is the FASTEST way to alienate your son's wife or daughter's husband and turn him / her against you FOR LIFE.

    3. Do not expect your SNIL / DIL to love you or harbor "sentiments" about you from the get-go. Love is earned, not demanded, and if you behave lovingly, SNIL / DIL will reciprocate in kind.

    4. "His parents, HIS problem. Her parents, HER problem". What this means is that you can expect and are even entitled to some behaviors / consideration from your own child but you cannot expect or feel entitled to anything from that child's spouse.

    5. Treat your SNIL / DIL like the adult that s/he is. They are old enough to lead their lives as they best see fit without constant "helpful" comments / suggestions / criticisms from you, thank you very much!

    6. Finally, patience is a virtue. Even if there are some traits / issues that anger / annoy you about your SNIL / DIL, bite your tongue until it bleeds and resist the urge to pass comments / offer "advice" about these traits / issues. Let your son / daughter and his / spouse resolve these on their own. After all, HIS / SPOUSE, HIS / HER problem, NOT yours. Back off, and let be!
     
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  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    I wish my in laws knew :

    a)Son is all grown up and married. He has a life of his own.Let him be independent NOW with his own family.

    b)Dont insist all marital problems he has with his wife can be solved by staying with them. Marital problems are marital problems which can only be solved by husband and wife ,not by anybody else.They cannot counsel husband and wife to a happy married life.Not them, not the darling SIL whose only mission is to prove how dumb the brother's wife and how mature she herself is.Rant.

    c)Dont blame all problems the Son has on DIL's stars.She has a lean period on her horoscope and hence the darling son is having problems. Let him be a mature man and face his problems .

    d)Dont ask ''Tell me everything happening there''. He is not a baby and doesnt need a baby monitor 24/7.

    e)This is the most important thing my in laws need to know

    CUT THE CORD/APRON STRINGS ALREADY.
    -He is about 35 yrs old. Its time you cut it and you let him live his own life.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2009
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  7. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Hmm... I feel this point should be removed from the list.
    Moreover, I dont think this is a root cause of problems in any MIL-DIL relationship.

    Just because her son is married, it is not fair to expect that the MIL should dress to look older.

    As much as a DIL deserves the freedom to dress up the way she wants,likewise there is nothing wrong in MILs dressing up to look younger and fashionable... (ofcourse as long as she can carry the dresses and makeup well.)

    I have 2 points to add to the list -

    1. Give the couple their space and privacy.
    I think the following point you made has already addressed that .

    2. Let the couple make their independant decisions on how to manage finances, their social circle, investments, job, kids etc. As much as possible, try not to interfere.
     
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  8. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Hey, good point, Reshsabu! Don't know how this skipped my attention.

    Ennaye, as Reshsabu points out, just because she is a MIL, it is not fair to expect the mother of an adult son or daughter to dress up in a dowdy, colorless manner. I would say that MILs can dress as they wish EVEN if they (MILs) cannot carry off the dress or make-up well.

    Just like the adult kids have the right to dress as they wish, so too do the PILs have the right to dress as they wish. DILs, esp., would do well to keep their mouths tightly shut, biting down on their tongues viciously, and not commenting on the MILs' outfits or make-up because it is frankly none of their (DILs') business. Of course, some class and taste would work to the MILs' favor, but even if the MIL insists on dressing inappropriately (for whatever reasons), the SNIL / DIL should desist from passing comments and / or offering fashion advice to the MIL.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2009
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  9. ennaye

    ennaye Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ,
    I put down the point number 9 because I know of someone who will go running to the same showroom after seeing her DIL wearing a particular dress and buy one for herself.

    Its almost as if she is competing with her DIL for the most modern label.

    No. I did not mean to dress dowdily, but gracefully and respectably.

    There is no need to compete with the DIL.
     
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Here's another perspective. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, yes? Maybe the MIL thinks that the DIL has excellent class / taste and imitates her because she believes that the DIL knows how to dress up?

    I would take this as a complement if my MIL followed me around and chose to buy HER clothing according to MY tastes!

    And, again, there is NO rule that says that MILs have to "dress their age" or cannot wear what their DILs are wearing. There IS no competititon. After all, hundreds of women buy the same saree at a saree shop, so there is nothing unique about one's outfit, unless one weaves and handlooms it onself!

    JMO.
     
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