Things women say/do that hurt their husband?

Wow Rihana, you are like a mind reader. My dh has said that EXACT thing to me when I ask him what it is that I do that makes him sad.

 

i too feel this is the worst behaviour.

this is not only true in husband-wife relationship, but in all relationships.

 

I guess this point applies to both women/men...I mean it would hurt women also if the husband keeps bringing the past faults or fights or the behaviour of the wife and keeps taunting and nagging her....

Good point Rihana!

 

Srividya, I would like to disagree with your example of the worst description if men. My husband also used to count the dollars spent on washing clothes. We used to use the common washing machine just once in 2 months or so and manually dry all the clothes. This was his idea and not what I had ever imagined before marrying him. Still, I do not consider him a bad husband (leave alone worst) just because he did not approve of the idea of spending money on washing machines. We did not roll in poverty, but he always came up with a "you are not optimising resources" answer "or clothes will fade" reply when I asked for it. He never forced me to follow his way. Rather, it was I who adjusted to this type of life, mainly because I found it necessary and happy to give in to some of his ways and take up some burden like this in the early days of our marriage. I used to hand-wash our clothes several times a week. My husband helped me by washing our jeans and tough to squeeze clothes, and by minimizing his laundry by wearing stuff longer!! There were times when we moved out and still had no washing machine. We ended up buying one only just before my daughter was born. Now it is my husband who asks me to use it more frequently!

Now, would I call my husband bad because of this behavior? Definitely not! One should not consider isolated incidents and deem a person "worst". Sometimes the adjustments we make go a long way in building our bond.
My 2 cents. Hope I have not hurt you!
Regards,
Sandhya

 

Sandhya

There is nothing to be hurt about..however I just gave a general example of what I cameacross during some conversations with some random friends...and this example was related to wasting money on useless things...Agreed you were ready to air dry clothes (might be yours was a warmer area..) but what about those people who are living in an area where the warmth is there only for couple of months...(there are lot of ifs and buts for every situation...I wont divert the topic further)

 

Ajain

I guess first of all ...you should know what you want!!! what are your priorities in life!! what is your goal for happiness and how you want to be treated and how you want to treat your spouse..

You just seem to be a guy who just took off on what every one says...like gets influenced quickly....

Why I got that impression??? you see your neighbour/friends wife who doesnt see eye to eye with her inlaws (you dont know the whole story of their marriage) but you make judgement about your future wife! you have so many doubts about a person who would be having similar doubts, similar insecurities, similar vulnerabilities about you...Have you ever thought about it???? all the while you talk aobut what are your expectations...but did you ever doubt yourself about how would you be able to provide a secure and comfortable life for someone who is coming into your life...depending and trusting you totally???

Now..Asking a wife to take care of your parents / live in a joint family is not wrong...(you can refer to my posts..no where I said wife taking care of inlaws shouldnt be the expectation)...but you have to tell your wife clearly that you are thinking of living iwth your parents as a joint family..not planning to move out..so those girls who are ready to put up iwth it..they would come forward...Also again the same point...anyoen would love their parents..for us our parents are gods...for us our parents can never be wrong...but ask your next door neighbour about your parents...they would find 100 faults with your parents..may be out of jealousy or out of some thing that your parents have said/done or treated them...so its going to be the same iwth your wife...you have to accept that...if your parents shout at you..you being the son and being raised by them..its easy for you to take it...but if your parents shout or ill treat your wife..its difficult for her to take it or accept such people by heart or mind..reason..she is a grown up...she wants to be treated iwth respect..

Again I am not saying that inspite of you allowing all the space she needs and your parents treat her with all respect and are adjusting..if she starts acting all high...YES you need to take some strict measures....however as YOU dont know who your spouse is yet...I dont have to stress on this part of the discussion here

I have seen many such MEN...for whom their parents are gods...their parents are elders....but when it comes to the wifes parents..they just treat them like crap...dont respect them or dont treat them as elders ...so if the girls father gets angry with the son in law for his behaviour can the same son in law accept the girls father????would the same son in law be ready to see the girls father eye to eye if not all through the year...atleast once in a year??? (then how can you expect your wife to see eye to eye all through the year ...incase if your parents disrespect her/ shout/yell/talk nasty to her/about her parents/siblings??or about her broughtup??)

Always remember....put yourself in your spouses shoes...(it doesnt mean just imagining...) feel it and then you would surely know when you are right..and when you are wrong..

Now coming to..asking your spouse to quit her job or not to ...All these decisions have to be made b/w both of you...you have to first talk to a girl..know what her thoughts about marriage are...what are her future plans are and share the same info from your side...thats how you would know each others mentalities and whether you both are compatabile or not....even if she agrees to quit the job and you wont give her a bit of financial freedom like for every 10 rupees she spends at home...if she has to give you the reason and explanation..it would really suffocate any person..(specially those girls who had financial freedom / working before marriage..its a very difficult situation....)

How many posts on IL ..did you read where a wife posts saying she feels guilty about asking money / some simple pocket expenses like for going to parlour or buying some cosmetics or some thing on the way of window shopping..(your spouse is not a kid..dont expect her to run to you and beg you and take permission from you to spend simple amounts...) those simple things are what life is all about!!!

We all think...we all have big issues..NO...REALLY NO...all the issues are very very small...those small things when you dont take care..or when you ignore they become big and the marriage / relationship starts deteriorating...

Again reiterating my point..ASK yourself what you can give and what you are expecting!!!! and allow space for some adjustments....No matter how many ever threads you start on expectations or marriage..YOU WONT understand the gist or meaning of it unless you are in one such relationship called marriage...(by the way I have never ever come across or spoke / met a SINGLE guy who talks so much about DILs behaviour towards inlaws / about his OWN expectations all the time...all the SINGLE guys I have come across were mostly worried about their finances after marriage, how to settle down, how to give their wife the best of life , how to manage responsibilities..these were their thoughts and questions and worries...You seem quiet..different...)

Everyone...has some little some big expectations in life about anything/everything.....but what I realised with my experience is...haivng expectations is not WRONG...but when those expectations are not met, we dont need to get all worked up...we have to be able to make those adjustments and see the good in other parts of life and move forward...its the same every where...if you dont get the expected promotion/raise at work...would you QUIT the job??? I guess no...we wait for our time provided if we think we are with a good company...but might be they need more time to appreciate your job...isnt it??

By the way if you go through all the posts in this marriage and inlaws forums...all your questions 100% will be answered about expectations..provided you are willing to understand and listen not with your brain..but with your heart....if you start finding loopholes and grey areas...you wont be able to move forward an inch..even before you start walking...

 

This is the BIGGEST problem I have faced.

Rihana is indeed a mind reader. I cannot tell you the amount of frustration I face, when a "closed issue" (one that happened in the past, time was spent discussing it, issue closed - and I even forget it), then it is brought up a year later in some other UNRELATED context.

I hate that like nothing else. Do women remember more than men?:bonk Can anyone really tell me why do some women bring up past issues? I have seen that with other people too where they have had this issue where the wife brings up old issues and the men have totally FORGOTTEN the incidents!!

(If DW did something and we had a fight, and she apologizes and issue closed, I wont remember it after a few weeks :hide

 

You just have to put it to basic man-woman differences Spider. I tend to bring up the past even when I try not to and get real pissed off if my husband actually does not even remember them. I have gone real crazy at those times.

I once remarked to my husband in frustration that its so difficult to live with a man whose psychology I am not able to understand and life would have been so much easier if I were a lesbian. You do not want to know his answer :bonk