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Things women say/do that hurt their husband?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ajain35, Nov 18, 2009.

  1. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Vidya,

    Regardless of his marital status, Ajain has raised valid issues.

    Women, as a rule, are more likely to gossip and chit-chat about other people's business than men are. Women are also more likely to be in constant touch with their parents than men are, regardless of how geographically separated we are. How much can one really talk about on any given day? What really changes from day to blooming day? So, sometimes the fodder for our almost-daily conversation with our parents may turn out to be information that our husbands have just shared with us concerning ongoing issues in our in-laws' home. Information that our hubbies may have expected us to keep to ourselves but which end up being shared with the our own parents, nevertheless, in idle conversation. Since men like their privacy just as much as women do, this hurts them. Think about it this way: Won't we get hurt if we shared about something about our parents with our husbands and they went and told their parents about it promptly?

    Secondly, one of the biggest ways in which one spouse can hurt the other *is* by attacking the partner's parents. This applies whether the partner doing the attacking is a man or a woman. I also note that when a couple fights, all of a sudden, for no reason at all, their respective FOOs get dragged into the issue and brickbats start flying about each others' families. This happens more often than we think possible. Just like we get hurt when our husbands attack our FOOs, so too do the men hurt when we attack their families. I think this was Ajain's point.

    Don't you agree that these *are* valid issues / concerns? I am sure if a woman posted about how husbands hurt their wives by sharing the wives' family affairs with their parents or attacked their wives' parents unnecessarily, then we'd agree with it. We wouldn't stop to question the poster about her motivation in writing such a post, especially if her profile said that she was single. So, why should we question Ajain's motivations / agenda, just because he is a man - marital status notwithstanding?
     
  2. ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    I really had a great laugh after reading this. I guess I will have to practice understanding complex answers then.

    I think there is still some hope for mankind though. In general most of the girls I know are great. But then there are few, who suffer from similar problems that men have, viz., ego, superiority complex and selfishness. I guess there are aspects of human beings rather than men or women. And in a marriage (love or arranged), one can only hope for the best but must be prepared for the worst.
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Mals

    I did accept the facts that there are such women out there, that kind which you described so very well:). and also I do agree the valid issues/concerns...I would be the last person to take sides as you might have seen my previous posts to some such threads raised by women...so no taking sides or no partiality..thats out of question:crazy

    However...my point was parents issue IS ONE thing that the husband/spouse might get hurt about...and isnt it a common thing where both men/women get hurt about??? and apart from this one particular issue what else he has in his mind is what I was asking.....am i wrong in asking that????:bonkInspite of me asking that question...all he had to say was nothing except to take his post at face value...

    There are bigger and lots of issues which men might face or get hurt about.....like not being respected by his wife, or not being appreciated for whatever good he does around the house or to his spouse...So if someone comes onto a forum and all he can speak of is why she gossips about my parents...why she talks bad about my parents....(All i hear is blah blah blah...my parents..my parents..my parents..) and frankly ..though it may sound rude to people here.... when we can clearly see ...still the apron strings are not being detached yet..

    By the way.....he gave clear cut scenarios....not asking or suggesting what he has to do in such cases...or not saying that he has such fears.....if it was his fear, my response would have been different, if he was asking suggestions what to do ifhis future wife turns out to be like that ...my response would be different...but he is making a clear cut statement as if..his WIFE is already like that:) so a single male already knows whom he is marrying??? or he is already married? i dont mind even if he is already married..but atleast come out clean...and lets discuss it openly....

    Based on his previous posts, I keep wondering, is he really asking a question or help or checking how many women would really support him?????

    By the way my answer would be the same again for his questions on his fears (this is what i assumed finally)

     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2009
  4. ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Mrs. Vidya
    I am NOT married and neither do I know who I will get married to. I am not in any problem and I am not asking any suggestions to solve anything either. You have connected my earlier posts to this post and that is when I requested you to take this post on its current value. To understand my psychology you will have to know my entire family history and how I was brought up which I am sure would be quite impossible for you. I am not talking just about parents issue. I accept that disagreement over handling finance and bringing up children are another major issues over which couples disagree.

    You have mentioned some of the issues faced by men like not appreciated for work he does... and honestly I didn't knew that this is a issue that some men might face. But now I know that this might be an issue and could understand that if I am not appreciated I should not stop helping my future wife around but just tell her what I feel.

    I have tried my best to explain my point of view to you. If my intentions are clear to you now, it will be great if you could reply to the question elaborately.

    Thanks
    -AJ
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2009
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sir

    Thanks again for the clarification...

    Yes you wouldnt knew anything about other marriage issues as you are not married yet isn it??? so dont think everyone who is married will have only those issues of inlaws / money....it may or may not be the case always...and also who knows you may nothave any issues at alll.....so dont trouble the trouble...unless the trouble starts troubling you..which seems to be your case now... ...you dont know yet what kind of wife you would get....all you have to do is know what you want or what you expect from a wife and ensure you make your expectations clear to her and have a open discussion with her before wedding itself...dont show a rosy picture before wedding and after wedding dont give her all thorns...or dont make it like a tough nut to crack...be open to discussion and sharing views on values and principles on life...and futureplans...

    If you want your future wife to take good care of your parents and that is the first priority..nothing wrong in it...Make your priorites clear...and present them to any girl who want to marry you....and if someone accepts it and comes forward...its great...you would have a great married life...if not atleast you would know and be happy that you are truthful about what you want...

    At the same time dont keep hoping someone would be bad / some one would do something utterly hidious to hurt you or your parents....that doesnt sound right at all!!! When you know what you want from life and wife...and when you present it and discuss it with your future or to be spouse....you would always be a WINNER:thumbsup

    So time for you to work on ...what are your priorities and expectations..and get them in order..and have a check!! shun these prenotions about women in general..it doesnt matter how other women are...what matters is what kind of wife you want? and what you expect from her.
     
  6. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Ajain

    I totally concur with Vidya here. I have seen your other posts and it is obvious you are worried and want to keep all things perfect before you get married. Well...Marriage does not work that way. Even when you have a love marriage, you will no idea what kind of person she is before you start living with her.

    There are so many variables in your case. You do not know what kind of wife you would get, You also do not know how your parents may treat her. They could be the world's best parents for you, but you do not know how they will regard the new entrant in your family. When you have so many variables in hand, you cant expect to cross all your t's and dot your i's before your marriage. Thinking too much about trouble will only invite negative energy towards you as you are going to view every girl as though she is going to come between you and your mom. There is always a high chance that a MIL may think of her DIL as coming in between her and her son, In your case even if the husband thinks like that, where will the poor girl go?

    As Vidya said, If your priority is only your parents after marriage, tell the girl clearly before marriage. Many women may agree to that and accept the scenario happily.

    So - For your own good, stop giving this way too much thought and do not let your negative vibes and impression cloud your mind. Do not over analyse and convert what could be a very beautiful and romantic union into a cold probability math experiment.

    Vidhya

    BTW, Malyatha - Where have you been? You free?
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2009
  7. ajain35

    ajain35 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank You for your reply. Here is my perspective on what you have said. You are saying to clarify your expectations to your wife before marriage.

    Considering the parents issue, if I clarify to my wife that I want her to take care of my parents and suppose she does not see eye-to-eye with my parents then wouldn't it be a big expectation. I have seen cases where neither the MIL nor the DIL are bad but they just doesn't seem to get along. For example, if MIL is very talkative and DIL is silent, then obviously there is a compatibility issue. Would it be fair on my part then, to let her suffer just because she agreed to take care of my parents before marriage. She will then put a story here on this forum that my husband does not listen to me. :hide:

    Marriage cannot be a deal where husband tells what he wants and wife tells what she wants and after marriage they HAVE to give no matter what. There should be room for some flexibility.
    Nevertheless, I hope that this problem doesn't come up but since I know this might be a future problem, I know how to handle this without causing discomfort to my mom,to me and to my wife. This is no longer a problem for me and therefore I asked for other problems that might come up.

    So SriVidya, I disagree with you when you say "so dont trouble the trouble...unless the trouble starts troubling you"

    Maybe we see different perspective, but I believe marriage is an exam where a person's personality, intelligence, character, strength of mind, patience are put to test. And only a good preparation before the exam can help to solve a problem that causes trouble.

    I guess we have digressed from my original question. I hope other members reply too about their experiences.

    Thanks
    -Aarul
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2009
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I totally understand your disagreement....:)

    Life or atleast marriage is not something where you totally plan it out or expect and ensure you get exactly what you want...either before or after the marriage...thats not how life/marriage works...not for everyone atleast..

    When i meant prioritize, discuss, ask, plan..all that ensures both the spouses know each others expectations rather than beating around the bush....so that atleast down the road you both know how truthful you were to each other (its another thing if someone gave false promises and couldnt keep those later in the marrriage...totally agreed that we cant hold them responsible...)...that way even if she posts on IL (as per your expectation) she might mention that you made your expectations clear to her even before the wedding...and ilites here would give her guidance on how to keep her promises and if not what else she can do to minimize the damage....

    However again..you keep sending those strong RED signals to me with your posts...a girl who has not yet lived with your parents/yourself...why wont she see eye to eye with your mom???? Why do you have this strong expectation from your would be that she wont see eye to eye..(are you in love with such a woman? or are you planning to marry such a woman??) and incase if you are talking about a situation that happens after marriage...then thats what life is all about....Dont expect that you would plan everything, every year, every minute, every expectation and thats how a person is going to be??? no..thats not what marriage is...expect the unexpected..and learn how to deal with it...it goes for both men/women....

    who knows whatever your expectations are for now..may change down the line when you see less and less options (as these days more than men, women have lots of conditions to get married to a man...after the bitterest situations they have seen with their friends/ fellow women:) just like the way you have seen with your friends..)

    Life is all about how you react and make out of what you get in your hand....there are women out there who made the bestest man out of a worstest being....and at the same time...there are women out there who made a wild animal out of a saintly guy...Also there are women who had to quit the marriage..when they saw no hope of the husband coming back to senses or from his la la land of expectations..

    If you list 3 issues and ask people here to say yes/no....what is it that you would gain????nothing...rather understand why such situations might arise...what to do..how to handle...how to approach ..and what if nothing works...what can you accept/not accept...that way atleast you would know where to draw the line....on your expectations.../ priorities.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2009
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friend, hope you know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned !
    A wife humiliated wife belittled by her husband will leave no stone unturned to get even !
    She will fight back and cut him to pieces with her tongue!
    If he is a wayward DH and she gets to know about it then only God can save him and his family.
    She can also give him a taste of his own medicine and bring him to his senses.

    But if DH loves and respects her, she will go the ends of the earth to make him happy ,make do with little money and also stand in his defence if needed. She will also ignore and tolerate taunts and comments bestowed on her if she recieves some moral support from him.
    Those men who take their wifes love and loyalty forgranted always get into trouble.
     
    2 people like this.
  10. priya g

    priya g Senior IL'ite

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    I second Flowerlady and Vidya! :thumbsup ajain, stop fretting about marriage and how it is like an examination! Dont get so stressed out about "how your wife would behave/walk/talk/say" etc etc! My 2 cents- give love + respect +space to the girl who has decided to share her life with you. Let your love blossom....and ahndle everything maturedly and fairly! just the way you expect your colleague at office to behave with you. the moment you have an inlinking that your colleagues has some preconceived notions about you, you will begin to resent it, right? so, let things flow and be good to all parties giving them care and respect!
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2009

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