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Things With Husband Getting Aweful

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by EagerForInfo, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Hello

    I have been married for 6 years now.
    I got pregnant soon after we got married and had my daughter by 1 st anniversary. Till then my husband had no job and was studying. I was working before marriage and my parents never took my money. So all that time I was able to stay peacefully caus I had those savings. But in the time my husband was studying all that money was over . Soon after he got a job and since then every time I ask him for something he asks me to get a job and pay for it. I don't know how but years passed till I got a job when we completed 4 years of marriage. I was home all this time but he used to taunt me by saying if you want this you need to find a job and pay itself . I was like ok maybe this taunting will end when I get a job so start working. Immediately after I got a job I got pregnant. I continued work till a month before delivery so that was 1 year of work. I saved all my money separately cause I saw how he taunts me for everything. Now I am here with a newborn baby.... obviously it's snowing cold and hard to manage everything ourselves. If I ask him to buy some veggies he asks me to pay for them. All this while I have been paying for our daughters school which is like $1000 cause it's full time. Now she's in a public school so it's free. He has not bought one diaper or clothes for the baby. He's not helping with anything regards to housework or the baby . I find it really really odd that he asks me to pay for even food in these circumstances. Am I being over emotional ? They say I waste food. Of course I do waste food cause I was pregnant and now breastfeeding and don't want to eat left overs. But he accuses me that it is the cause of our $40000 credit card debts. We do have a house and it's mortgage is $1300. Is that enough to cause a $40000 debt? He says I need to pay off his loans. I did that once when we first got married and I paid off all his loans when I was pregnant then ended up not having money to take my cute little daughter to the doctor when she needed to be seen. Am I being over emotional?

    This is the 3rd time he's yelled at me to pay for groceries and fruits. I have stopped working now due to the baby.

    How should I handle this situation ? My poor little daughter is giving me her coins in her piggy bank saying mommy do you need money? Take mine? I don't want to break her heart. I am sick of these fights. I just paid $8000 of his credit cards loans so it really ticked me off when he asked me to pay for fruits. He didn't even celebrate baby's 21 st day saying we can use that money for his education and two months later bought his parents iPhones .

    HOW DO I HANDLE THIS SITUATION?
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Where is all your husband's money going? How did he rack up such a large debt?
    If he asks you to pay his loan, you could ask him to get a second job and pay it himself. Plenty of people work evenings and weekends. Until you get a satisfactory explanation for where his money is going keep your savings separate.
     
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  3. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Your husband is talking bulls***.if you have to pay for fruits and veggies then why should you pay off his loan?talk to him,find out about the income and expenses and ask him to create a common account and deposit some amount for household expenses and for kids.Afterall,kids are his responsibility too.But first find out what is bothering him to spend on you and kids.
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Sorry to hear your story. He is simply using you. I can guess how horrible it is. Unacceptable.
    Stop paying anything to his dept. You can tell him you already contributed and you are not working now. It is his responsibility to pay off his depts. Also he has to take care of his wife and kids as you are not earning.
    (1) Have an open talk with husband why he is having this much dept. Ask him to show you the credit card history. You need to learn very well where his money is going at least to some extent . Tell him sternly that this not going to work and you need a common account.
    2) Call your bank or arrange a meeting with bank people. Ask your husband to come with you to open a common checking and credit card account. Both of you can see that online. They give two cards. So both of you can use. You have to be very firm that the credit card should be used only for common expenses, like grocery, home , medical kids. etc.. All other personal expense should be paid using their own individual cards. He has to pay 50% of the expense to the checking. Both of you can add money to the common account from your individual account. Use the same checking account to pay the common credit card. As you are not working you can ask more ...The situation I wrote is if both of u are working. Whatever it many be all the transactions will be transparent to both of you. He has to take the responsibility for the home and kids at least. Every month both of you can add money to the common account and see how its going . [I opened common checking and credit account when my husband said I am not spending enough for the home while I was doing it from my own account. I will never hear that again as I can see very well what both of us are spending to our family. But I don't like to deposit all my salary to common account as I need financial freedom and respect also that in case of my husband. Both of us agree on that.]
    3) If you have any saving don't tell him about it. Dont use it to pay off his dept. His dept is his responsibility. Save the money in case you need for some emergency

    Take a strong decision. Also find out why he is behaving this way. But you should be very strong on the common account.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2017
  5. sumzaya

    sumzaya Gold IL'ite

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    Ridiculous
    How did u manage all these.... Ur husband's attitude is not acceptable.. its not too late..ask 4 ur rights..according to ur hus if wife has responsibility to clear husband's debt n loan then i wud say husbNd also have the responsibility to look aftr ur needs...
    Either ask ur parents help to deal with this situation. Or have a talk with him... Family should be in harmony by mutually helping each other.. felt soo sad on hearing ur dd 's quote... Poor girl ..
     
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  6. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    Hugs to you.. You are a strong lady. You have been handling everything from the beginning and looked after your husband. He still expects the same. He does not concern himself with household affairs. Does he even act like an adult? Or spends all his money like a college going kid. Its really insane to buy iPhones when struggling with finance. If his parents were suffering from ailments, its okay to send them money. But buying iPhones when he cannot provide for fruits for kids is too much.

    You have to teach him to be responsible by hook or crook. Tell him its his duty to bring in money and its your duty to look after children/family well-being. As he cannot switch roles with you of taking care of house and kids, its his duty to bring in money.

    Tell him to do work two shifts, if his finances are running low. But he and only he has to bring in money, atleast until ur kids are capable of managing themselves. He cannot wash his hands off his duties towards family.

    Prepare and keep some spicy poha (flattened rice) all the time at home. Do not cook more than necessary. Make kids eat before him and if there is short in meals, ask him to have poha and dahi. Tell him there was no enough groceries as you were unable to go out b'coz of LO. Make him feel guilty. I can assure you, there is no wrong in telling good kind of lies. The ultimate result is important. You are doing it for your family and kids. Nothing is more pure than kids.

    Husbands learn lessons when they go hungry. He cannot order daily from outside. Eventually he will start looking into household affairs.
     
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Two iphones wont rack up $40,000 debt. U need to sit him down and have a serious conversation...yes even if he tries to get out by yelling. Something else is going on.
    What exactly is he studying? Did he have any financial assistance?
    IS he done? Working part-time?
    Do not payoff his loans ....not until u get clear idea of what he owes and what he makes and what his repayment plans are.
    Are u a co-owner for any of the loans?
    What about the credit cards? Dont co-sign for anything more.
     
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  8. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,Wake up and wake up soon. Your husband is a manipulative liar who manages to dump all expenses on you including 40,000$ debt. Seriously, How can he rake up such a huge debt. Get a hold on reality soon and get a job asap. Once you get a job move out with your kids and let his highness fend for himself. He is using your weakness to hold you responsible for all his debt and expenses.

    Do you and the kids only eat fruits and vegs. Doesn't he? Ask him to pay equally. Next time he abuses with how much money he spent on you, call 911. Tell them that you are recovering from childbirth and he is needling you endlessly. It will put a stop to it temporarily until you make plans.

    Why exactly are you living with this man?He is not a good husband, father . He is a smart and cheeky man who has seen a way to make you pay for all his frivolous expenses. First mistake you did after marriage was use all your savings to repay his loans. That set a pattern. Now he knows an easy way to make you pay. Of course he will buy I phones for his family. Why that why not house, jewellery.

    Look for a job and move away after a month when you have made alternate accommodation plans. Are you on H1 or H4 visa?I maybe out of line but next time use suitable precaution so you don't end up pregnant again.Good Luck.
     
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  9. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, is there any other reason why he is behaving like this. Are you wasting money unnecessarily on personal stuff bcos of which he is asking you to share expenses. When you are not working from where is he expecting you to bring the money from. Is his salary very less?. I doubt that it's the beginning of very big problem in future. Except for money matters how good is he as a husband and father.
     
  10. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    You are not over emotional he is over dramatic
     

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