The Dress Code

On Rakshabandhan this year, my wife went to my BIL’s house accompanied by the daughter. As soon as they saw the daughter , the BP of people gathered there got a shock and the faces of some of them, otherwise pitch black turned glowing red like the rear of a female rhesus monkey in heat.


The reason? It was my daughter’s dress She was not properly dressed according to them. She was wearing a loose tee shirt and loose trousers and sandals with a nose ring and half of her head shaved and the remaining hair dyed red! Too bad the guests didn’t get heart attacks as I was hoping but the kid certainly got long lectures.


She was sermonized on how decent girls from TamBrahm families should dress and how they should tie their hair etc and the need for a bindi of some sort. She just kept quiet but when she returned home and told me what happened I told her that she should have told them that it was none of their goddamn business.


“Arrey, why are you teaching her wrong things? Why offend our relatives” the wife butted in.


“First she is no small kid that she could be brainwashed by me and these people dress their kids like unclejees and want our daughter to dress like auntiejee,” I quipped as the daughter laughed and applauded.


And as for offending, I don’t think we should shy away from it particularly when it comes to narrow minded , bigoted fools, that quite a lot of my relatives are. We get constantly lectured over our dress, appearance and how irreligious we are.


When I was a kid there was a major scandal when a middle aged relative of ours landed up at a kin’s place wearing hold your breath ....stretch pants, that were in fashion them. “She has no shame” whispered an auntie. “Who does she think she is. Asha Parekh or something?”. The auntie would have watched with gaping mouth the then Bollywood bombshell Asha Parekh gyrating in stretch pants but for a Tambrahm lady wearing that was a strict no no. A heinous sin no less, that deserved punishment in hell probably on a sinister contraption in which the sinner gets painfully stretched for eternity.


I was reminded of this when all the hell broke loose over the way cricketer Mohammed Shami’s wife dressed. There were trolls galore. Some doubted whether she belonged to her husband’s religion , others said she should be afraid of the Guy Upstairs. She was also advised to wear a hijab and cover her head and face.


Sure the Guy Upstairs has nothing else to do but watch over how people dress. But lot of people believe that he frowns upon violation of dress codes. Couple of years ago, a guy in Pakistan’s North West Frontier Province was shot dead by Taliban because his pyjama went below the ankle.


Dress codes haunt us all our lives. There are religious dress codes and secular dress codes. Some of these codes are unspoken and unwritten but you can see eyebrows rising at public gatherings when you violate them, like going to a formal dinner in tees and jeans.


I don’t think there is a single religion without a dress code. During my Italian days, I went to Assisi to visit to basilica of St.Francis. My main attraction there were the paintings of Giotto, not the good saint himself. Only I was allowed to enter the basilica. And my friends were kept out. The reason? They weren’t “properly” dressed. You see I was the only one wearing full jeans. The others were in bermudas or shorts of some kind because it was a super hot day and sun was blazing down on us.


We Indians are no better . Years ago we took my daughter for her tonsure (mundan) to our family deity’s temple. Not that I believe in such things but then my mom did and it is always a wise policy to humour moms and loonies. I was not allowed into the temple sanctum sanctorum because I was wearing jeans and only guys in dhoti were allowed. I would never wear that thing even if someone holds a gun to my head as I see it as a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.


And people take these clothing business very seriously. While taking some relatives to the ISKCON temple, Delhi, I saw a sign outside a room NO KARMIC CLOTHS ALLOWED. Didn’t know dress code was decided by karma. Then I was enlightened that apart from dhotis and saris everything else was karmic. Well if people want to beckon lovingly to wardrobe malfunction, best of luck to them.


I recently read a column in a weekend supplement of a newspaper in which a writer, probably neck deep in such codes, lamented that there is total sartorial anarchy in high end eating joints and guys in shorts and collarless tees were swarming these places. Well, what is wrong with that? They wouldn’t be able to digest the food of ritzy eateries in Bermudas?


And I don’t understand why people wear a noose around their neck otherwise known as the necktie that does not make anyone look smarter and thoroughly puzzled why it is compulsory at some formal gatherings. The only time I wore it was when I had to attend a formal meal with some army chaps and I was told that a tie was a must. We sat down for the dinner and soon after the soup was served, I got this funny feeling that everyone was looking at me. When I looked down I got the shock of my life.


My tie it seems was a soup fan. It was taking a dip in the soup plate. After that I decided I would never attend any event where I have to wear a soup-hungry noose around my neck. My soup is solely mine. No tie will ever share it.


My wife is a stickler for how one should dress for a social gathering and she keeps trying to put her ideas into my head. Dress code or no dress code, I hate wearing anything other than a track suit or kurta pyjama . It doesn’t match with her sartorial notions . There is no bigger torture in the world than all dressed up and making banal conversation with someone at a party. That is double whammy.


So I avoid such gatherings like bubonic plague. Recently one acquaintance ran into a relative at a party and remarked that I was not sighted at such gatherings. “ I believe he prefers the company of dogs and cats to people” she said.


Cent per cent true. Dogs and cats don’t try to hook me into pointless conversations and above all their biggest plus point is they don’t have a dress code

 

Satchi if there is a God he has a grotesque sense of humor. If he had been a normal sane person, he wouldn't have created scorpions, centipedes, cockroaches and quite a few of my relatives. I think one should wear only what one could carry off and not what we are told to wear by religious or office honchos.

 

Suja9 God is said to be omniscient one for everybody regardless of west or east. He must have included in his blueprint. But the problem is not with God but those who have appointed themselves as his interlopers on earth.Informal attire like jeans and tees (particularly those with slogans) lightens up the mood in office and people are able to work in an informal more productive atmosphere. Of course no body goes to discos in a sari but that doesn't mean there is a dress code there.