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The Angry Husband, When In-laws Are Around..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you everybody for coming to my aid so readily, esp in such a case of 'same old story again' as mine. :(
    I have read every post several times, and because of time constraints just addressing some of the points raised.

    I am still working on this. Not able yet to refuse to do things totally, because of my fear of total estrangement+financial dependence for every penny. I have only managed to walk away without serving them/leave things as is until they all leave the place.

    @SunPa That was an excellent suggestion! I regret I don't have the emotional maturity to see it through to fruitition yet... maybe I can slowly try this once I feel bold and strong all by myself.

    @DDream Thank you DD, you always give me such well rounded advice. I had done my homework when in-laws were not there. We started of this time round in one of the best ways ever. Yet, it eroded, and I don't even know why. Having very little time and him wanting to spend it all with his parents has led to no personal time between us and hence, its attendant miscommunications and non-resolution of issues.
    I have let him have his time with his parents unencumbered. Even LO is encouraged to play with them.
    I sense that he feels criticised for his behavior, and there is a lot of defensiveness leading to fights/unpleasantness.
    My current solution is to minimise time spent with all of them together.

    We had some open fights too, in front of his parents (he started it, I couldn't just back off). While I don't regret that - he now knows I won't care about their presence if he chooses to fight - I don't want that happening as MIL is waiting for a chance to edge in and have a word.

    @yellowmango you have the choicest words/examples for me... and how right you are!
    Exactly! I feel the same way!!!!
    No need to apologise, I always appreciate your direct way of putting things, and not mincing words. I totally agree with you, and will surely check out the posts you recommended..

    Thank you mangaii. I am not trying to normalise it, though I do wonder if it looks different from his perspective. You are right, I do want everyone around me change and treat me with due respect!!!!:BangHead: And simply get agitated when it doesn't happen. I am keeping my distance now ie not bothering (at least outwardly) how they react, doing only what's necessary etc. I do sense a lot of judgement and displeasure at my behavior, but I am keeping it on.

    @Rihana @Laks09 @mangaii Point taken. Self sufficiency first, JOB. No more hoping and dilly-dallying or half hearted attempts.

    In general, DL is in the works. Got ead, also got preliminary licensing for working. Looks like I still need a little training coz of the long gap in career, some updating is required. I am currently working on those. So because of that, my time is spent on these and housework, and have no extra time to get a part-time job even.. I am just holding on until I finish this training module. H and in-laws are reluctantly supportive - they don't have an option but to support my endeavors as I made my career situation public among relatives. They have to save face.
    When I am disrespected, though, I am all but tempted to throw in the towel and leave to India, tell them to deal with it all. The LO keeps me here. After reading all your posts and some more thinking, I feel that what was advised last time will still apply - get detached, focus on your goals, improve your situation (because you want LO).
    I just wish I had a mental framework to would let me stay here with dignity (even if aloof and by myself) despite the way they treat me - I see even the ignoring and the silences as disrespectful. But I can't find anything that justifies that, and just want to leave. Without LO? Right now, that is the only speed breaker.

    Edit: Financially, I get some hard cash now and then. I have access to his card, though no card of my own yet. Have told him to open a bank account for me, so I can get my cards myself. He has agreed though its yet a to-do.
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Congrats on EAD.

    Next step should be, stop asking for permission for everything (example, Can/May I do this...should be replaced by... I am going for walk.. I am going to do it..whatever.., or I did it). Just do it. Be bold, ignore his reactions. Why you need husband to open an account. Go to a nearby bank and open it. Its not difficult to order a secondary credit card for you from his account and also you can apply for your own card. A few hundred dollars plus documents may be needed to open an account. That's all. If you earn, keep money to yourself. Do you have access to his bank account. If not dont give access to your own bank account. If its joint account, you should have full access. Also try to plan India trip alone to your home and enjoy once in a while, may when your pils are here.

    "I don't want that happening as MIL is waiting for a chance to edge in and have a word." - If she interfere, have the courage to tell, Ma dont interfere. Mind your own business. Dont allow anyone to treat to you bad. Is it possible to request your husband to reduce the frequency of his parents visit as it affects him . Now they visit every year, change it to once in a few years.

    Anyway, now your focus should be job, and you. Be your own person.

    Good luck with your job search.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2019
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  3. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Finest Post Winner

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    its good to hear that you got your EAD . thats am important next step . please stay concentrated on finding a job asap .that would help you a lot . you can open a savings / checking account with just a few documents if you go for online credit union kind of banks , not a lot of money in savings is needed and no requirements of direct deposit and all . i did that with $50 few years back. and for credit card , you can open a credit card account with a limit , i dont remember what its called exactly but i paid 300$ initially and that would be my spending limit for the card ...later on i built my credit history . and as mentioned above by ddream , adding you as a secondary member is not a big process but it will help you a lot in building your credit history. all the best with it .
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Hard to imagine an adult being scolded routinely by his parents. : ) I kind sorta feel sorry for him. : )

    This contrast in the relationship is the norm in quite a few households.

    Apologizing is healthy but absent or rare in many households.

    Be smart with this situation. Join the patch-up neatly. Naturally without faking it. Just go be with your LO who is with them.

    Honestly, the arrival of the EAD should be the highlight. Frame it and put it on mirrors and phone and everywhere. Focus on getting the driver's license and that training needed to get a job. This who said/did not say sorry when, petulant in-laws, yelling husband ... try to make it less important.

    The guile SunPa prescribed needs to be bottled and sold. : )

    Congratulations on the EAD. I felt very happy to read it.
     
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  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @MindVoice,

    There is no excuse for an adult to throw tandrum to wife because his parents were scolding him. His reverence for his parents is immaterial for the good and positive relationship you need from your husband. Practically, practice your resistance to ill treatment through so many ways without telling anything to your husband. Wait for your training to be over. Get a job (now that you have youe EAD) and give timeframe for your husband to fix his issues. Give all hints that you are ready to walkout with your LO if he doesn't change his attitude without actually doing it. I have to agree with @yellowmango. @Caughtinbetween is a great example for standing up without destabilizing or wrecking the home. Your husband has all qualities needed to understand you but his situation prevents it happening. You have to create an environment that would make him understand you.
     
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  6. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you Uncle . I am far from being an example to anyone . Still got a long way to go and lot to tackle.
     
  7. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for the encouraging words!

    Already doing this @DDream. And gosh does it feel good!
    I am itching to do this, but can't currently because of my job-search-situation..
    Biiiiggggg Sighh....phew... If I could say this and survive! MYOB will be like getting into gladiator arena with not just one lion or tiger but three! But I am also realising that in-laws attitudes don't bother me much as H's tantrums do... sigh.. this will be a worthy goal to attain. will work towards this. But for the time being, I think I should say something in the lines of "Pls don't involve yourself in this argument between husband and wife, it will only make things worse for all of us, and you don't want that, surely." Maybe too nice?? :thinking:
    Not going to happen. Ever. IDK what I'll do if he gets GC. But I can't deal with all that right now, first things first.

    Thank you, this is very useful, important information! Much obliged to you!

    H has said that he has spoken to his bank, and they have suggested 'some options' like checking a/c, debit card etc. Will get the details from him over this weekend. If he stalls again, will go ahead as suggested until he gets things done.

    @Rihana I sense your happiness in your post, thank you :)
    I agree with both these statements, vexing stuff but common.
    Absolutely!

    Sir, coming from you, I value these words, this wisdom tremendously! :worship2: I had this sense, we women feel this, and when it comes from your mouth (or hands, in this case) I feel gratified that this is about how a human should behave, and not some women-only viewpoint. Your advice to practice gives me a good perspective to deal with my situation - something I've been struggling over. Thank you very much for taking the time and effort to reply.
     
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  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    MindVoice - It's always a wise decision to have an account in a different bank. Also, you should go open your own bank account. It will give you the independence needed to start making important financial decisions in the future. Stop relying on your DH to go open your bank account. I did and it took me a decade to learn and start making my own financial decisions. It may be beneficial to have a big balance in one bank and both incomes etc in one place but it definitely makes you less independent. I know me, if someone pampers me and does all the work, I'll just let them. At one point I didn't even know my own bank's password. It took a lot of counseling from a good friend and financial advisor to get here. I heard he's using me as an example to friends. Feels good. Don't be like the old me, it is hard to change it. From the beginning, learn to manage your own money. That's more important than earning your own money. This reminds me, I need to start on this with the new adult in the house :)
     
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  9. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Good advice. Only a couple of days ago I observed how girls volunteer their independence away.
     
  10. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    @Laks09 Thank you. I agree with you. In fact, I haven't had any financial discussion whatsoever with my spouse - a huge thorn in my side. I am not earning currently, so I am going along with whatever his plans are. Maybe this will give me some kind of access to his financial details. When I do start earning, I fully intend to have a separate account.
     

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