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Terms And Conditions On Inlaws Moving In

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    totally agree but only if my mum mas boy agree to this...for him they should stay in the same house with same kitchen , otherwise he will feel very ashamed...
     
  2. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Then your husband needs to see things for himself. My husband wanted us for years to live with his parents, we finally did and things went so bad they kicked us out. I had to let things play out for my husband so he could see this. You need to do the same thing. Let them come, carry on your life as you did before, do the bare minimum for them that is required by you and let the chips fall where they fall. You DH life needs to become miserable only then he will learn. Don't 'go out of your way for them and make him do everything for them. Ask them for help in all your household work as well as you DH. If they refuse then DH needs to pick up their slack. My MIL always complained about how I user "her" washing machine, kept taunting. I told my DH you must do the laundry as she is annoying. He did it twice , and she made a comment that he should not do it. I knew she would come to that conclusion. I began back again after a few months, and she never said a word. Let them pit themselves against each othter and stay out of the way. Your DH needs to see bad treatment of you now in the present, he does not care about the past so leave the past issues out of it. AS well, they will not get GC that quick, now is your time to cozy up with your DH and get him on your side. My DH was on my side about 80percent when we moved in, and by the time we left he was on my side 200 percent. You need to get your DH love and adoration first. Key is to stop arguing and talking about them and repair your relationship with him. Form a bond soooo strong that he will back you up when his parents come if they start issues. He will see that you had a good harmonious household and they are damaging it. If they come move in to a stressful chaotic home, your DH won't see the difference. I think if you not willing to divorce then you need to go down this rout.
     
    Rihana, Radha99, CuteCancer and 3 others like this.
  3. Desimommy

    Desimommy Bronze IL'ite

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    It feels like i am reading my life story! I have been through similar issues. GC topic came pretty hot when my ILs came last visit. And I was at a point of walking out cause of them not been rational with their theories and expecting me and my kids to follow along which I did not agree with.

    GC - practicalities are not the same as what your DH is stating. I was in exactly same shoe as you (I have a manipulative and demanding SIL as well). Inspite of disagreements. My DH came this close to filling the greencard. When it came down to filling the fee, DH asked one final time and MIL said- i will do it when it comes, I don't have to decide now. But when the money part came (insurance in particular) DH wanted 100% assurance from ILs and when he did not get that, he withdraw the application. I was so relived. I am not sure if this is a temp. issue and may appear back for me in future, but temp. it is resolved for me.

    And FWIW, we have a separate suite for ILS but they hardly stay there. They use the same kitchen, do the same controlling stuff they used to do in our previous house. Nothing changes. And when they stay, it becomes the coaching corner to get my kids and tell them what to do and what not to. Same thing for my DH. Coach him to be a better brother- convince him to send money to his Sister every so often and what not.

    All I am saying is; I feel your pain. Take care.
     
  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    That is lovely. I imagine comedian Thangavel & party in tamil movie. I am unable to recall the movie name. He depicted his and his mothers plight to the delight of his spouse.
    Super advice to be followed verbatim.
    God bless All.
     
  5. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    guys i'm so angry and disgusted by my inlaws today .I posted another thread as well...if i tell this to my husband , i'm sure he will cover up his sister and will take out faults at me for even talking about expenses . I wanted to let SIL know that this medical epxense is not a piece of cake for us and see what she replied on /..read my post

    at my home we are havin discussions about inlaws Greencard , health expenses, moving in problems , privavcy issues etc etc



    Today, i was talking to my SIL and I cant believe what she Said : first i told her we are thinkig if this is the right time as they are fine and do not really need any help from us . This time is more like a retirement phase for them and her answer was but now, they can enjoy and take vacations when they come here to US . My reply to that was, if they want to take vacations and enjoy, let me know , i will pay for it but medical expenses for 6 months every year is more of a responsibility than just enjoying time . She then went on to ASK ME if my child is still going to Private school here in US and suggested that we shoul buy a house in other schools disctrict and send them to public school and spend that money on inlaws expensives here and vacations .SERIOUSLY , I'M JUST BEYOND ANGRY , DISGUSTED at my SIL ...i take my kid out of a good school, so i can pay for my inlaws living here in US ? so they can enjoy their vacations and spend our money on whatever they want to do with life....
    DOWNGRADE MY KID SCHOOL ???? HOW CAN SHE EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO A MOM ???
    also this means they have been eyeing all this time and talking behind our back as to how we spend so much money on private schools ...Grandprents and Aunts are always thinkign as to how the kids an be sent to better schools and given better education ....what are my INLAWS?? such selfish people , take away kids school fees and put it in a vacation fund of their s????
     
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    You cannot control any one's life. Looks like financially you are well off and can afford GC expenses and insurance expense. I think you are exaggerating the whole issue to new level. There is nothing disgusting about her suggestion.
     
  7. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    Ok even if I can financially handle their green card from my retirement saving , what about the troubles on a day to day basis ???
    It’s not money it’s my privacy, it’s about listening from my mil on everyday basis

    Also how come it’s ok when you suggest someone to downgrade your kids education so that they can enjoy their life and take vacations here from sons money??? They are not coming here right now for health reasons they are coming so we can sponsor their trips and take them around
     
  8. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    Factually a *good* public school education is actually good, so your SIL is not totally wrong about public vs private. Final decision is you and your H anyway
     
    Sunshine04 and mangaii like this.
  9. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    Your DH has already suggested buying a bigger home for all of you . You cannot handle your mil on daily basis then put that forward as a problem . If you think you can use insurance as excuse your sil already has a answer for that . Just be honest . I’m still confused why you want to open such discussions with SIL . What is your expectation from sil ? You and your DH are going to host his family . Limit your discussion with your DH . You and your DH are a team by involving your Sil you are complicating this further . Your sil will not side with you . She will have solutions for everything you will bring up but at the end of the day the people who are going to implement is you and your DH. Just work with your DH and find a common ground where it is amicable for you and him .
     
    Amica, Desimommy and SunPa like this.

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