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Terms And Conditions On Inlaws Moving In

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Oct 3, 2019.

  1. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    ^ Despite the insu guy above mentioning that, and I have posted the same link elsewhere in IL too, there are folks who are able to use the Medicare within the 5 years also. How they do it, I am not sure, but there are plenty who seem to be doing it and Medicare is working for their parents, thats why Goahead's hubby seems to be comfortable with it.
     
  2. blissfulmember

    blissfulmember Senior IL'ite

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    Life will not always happen the way you want it to be.

    Not being able to adjust with others is a clear indication that you need to improve in your adjustment capability.

    Demanding so many things from anyone will freak them out.

    Take one thing at a time.

    You are here with your husband, why ever think about you left so and so and chosen ur husband. Think about it.

    Relationships are not about terms and conditions. With terms and conditions we do business and nothing else.

    Let it be, go with flow.

    People and their behaviour cannot be the way we want them to be. If they are with you they may not be follow your t&c even if they agree at first.

    Program your mind : This relationship ( with husband) is important to me and since, inviting parents is important to my husband. Thus, living with in-laws is also important to me.

    Bliss.
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    By claiming they are below the income level that gives Medicare for the people who earn minimum wage. That they have nothing in their home country and definitely don’t have anything here. Their adult children’s incomes don’t count against them.

    Their coverage level is really bad. Not sure how it is in other states but in mine it barely covers anything and very few doctors take it. If there was a major hospitalization, I wonder at what level it is covered.
    Anyway, it’s going to become redundant soon. I was hearing on the radio that some lawmakers want to insist Medicaid only for Citizens and also that the GOP is taking it away and making a private Medicare policy. Haven’t read up on it more.


    OP - Let him apply for GC. It’s taking 3-4 years for parents to get it now apparently(not sure. Hearsay). You can cross that bridge when you get there. Don’t stress yourself out with these things now.

    Until then, why don’t you separate your finances slowly? PILs are coming but you have growing kids and your retirement to focus on too. I would slowly but surely start putting funds away now in separate fund accounts and other avenues for savings in the US if I were you. I wouldn’t be using that for anything other than kids and retirement either. I also wouldn’t mention parents while doing all this. I urge you to find a good financial planner and start putting money away in things that cannot be broken and used for a big house’s mortgage or down payment or other big expenses. Even if he is overdoing it, you should be able to take care of your own old age and kids education.

    Btw, PILs coming is an issue. Your bigger issue is your DH. End of the day whatever PILs do or don’t do, if DH isn’t in your corner then that’s the issue. Even after my friend’s MIL did something really terrible towards one of her kids, her DH was happy to forgive and move on and continue the status quo. I always felt that my friend’s issue is her spouse and not as much his parents.
     
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  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Second this. If husband is an idiot, wife wont be respected by inlaws.
    Personal experience because I have no choice. I'm with world's worst inlaws since day1 marriage n I cant even list the terrible things they did till now. Yet husband is a worthless immature momma's boy who doesn't have guts to stand by wife nor take a decision to move out.

    Sigh, OP, I dont see any light at the end of tunnel for you. Your rules wont work.

    Your only option is either to bear them (atleast its for 6months...imagine dil like me staying 24x7 with monsters)

    Or other option is simce you are working, move out to a nearby apartment/house and tell clearly to your husband that you will not budge from your decision if he wont consider your opinion.

    Warning - this may backfire if he wont care about your marriage or you and choose to still bring his parents even if your marriage is in danger.
     
  5. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for the abve replies.
    So in 15 years i have seen that my husband sides with his parents in a very subtle way . So i feel that he is useless. I totally agree and even say this to my friends that this problem is because of my husband and not my MIL. If my husband would stop her right then and there, she would not have the guts to speak up or say anything

    Also my inlaws are very kanjoos . They give all their money to my sil and since they will be here, we will be spending the money and they pretend as if they have nothing. My husband has not taken anything from his parents and till date he feels shy taking even $100 from them .

    My mil is a very smart, manipulative lady and talks a lot . She praises herself day and night and even if she does a small thing , she makes a big deal. This is so irritating. I have decided to tackle that by myself by telling her right then and their . I know I have to start speaking up and not worry about respecting up and they getting hurt . Sometimes i get angry on my mom, fo teaching us to be always polite with elders.She should have instead taught us to not get used by people even if they are elders.

    In all this i still feel that its a compromise that I dnt want to do . I simply do not want to live with inlaws. I will take care of them when they are old and they cannot do stuff for themselves but not at this point of time.

    Thank you all for the suggestions, replies and your thoughts on this . One thing is for sure that I have to stay very strong with my words. I cannot let my husband take me leniently and cannot let my inlws take me leniently any more !I 'm a volcano ready to erupt now
     
    yesican likes this.
  6. abcd5

    abcd5 Silver IL'ite

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    They are not going to qualify for Medicare for 1st five years. If they are younger than 64.5 years old, you need to buy insurance from the individual market. If they are older than that, you can purchase Medicare part A (surgeries, hospitalization, etc) part B( doctor's visit, test, etc and Part D (prescription ) individually. In our state, if you add together, it was around $700 per person +deductible. Without 40quarters (10 years) of payroll, they cannot qualify for Medicare part A.If your husband is ready to give false info to SSA that is a different story.
    Medicare Eligibility for New Immigrants who are Green Card Holders
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What will you gain other than more animosity in the house by stooping to her level? Ignoring and not letting it affect you is going to rile her up more than anything she can say/do. When it doesn’t impact you the behavior goes away. Even if it doesn’t, you don’t care right? It doesn’t impact you.

    This is between him and his parents. He doesn’t want to make them spend and spends for them. I would call that a decent person. Money spent on parents and parents moving in are different issues. Don’t worry about who they give their money to. If he isn’t worried about his sibling getting preferential treatment then let it go. I think your anger here is misplaced.

    Don’t compromise. Start making yourself a priority now.
    Make sure you have things to do for yourself that you don’t negotiate on. Financial security, your daily routines, your me times(gyms, window shopping, beauty routines, hobbies etc). If you don’t do any of these things and have put yourself on the back burner and made everyone else’s priority, it will only make you feel like you are compromising again for all of DH’s whims. If your parents can’t come or aren’t allowed by your DH because it’s your brother’s responsibility to fend for them physically (I think that’s horrible, btw), you should make use of the time MIL is here to go visit your parents. You will get your alone time and mil will get time with son and grandkids. Two birds in one stone.

    Make it your deeds. Actions speak louder than words.
     
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  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I guess I’m playing devils advocate, but since your husband seems on board with getting a larger house, is it at all possible to find a house with a in-laws suite? Maybe you can create some much needed boundaries this way.

    Are there any Indians living with their in-laws in this manner? Or is it a strictly American concept?
     
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  9. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Collective families in India, when wealthy enough, especially in the countryside, have large houses (pretty much an Indian hacienda) with families allotted pseudo-separate quarters. Kitchen, water-well, bathrooms, and toilets are shared. As more children moved to larger towns and cities (for sophisticated higher education, jobs, more entertaining living etc..) the large haciendas have shrunk, got repurposed into storage facilities for harvested items etc... Such large multi-dwellings existed in temple towns also-- with entry doors in two different streets, and a large yard in the middle of the house, partly paved, and partly used for growing a kitchen garden, especially for cilantro and curry leaves.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2019
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  10. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    I second Bhumibabe. If you buying bigger house get one with in law suite. We have one in our house, and if and when his parents are ready they can come. Get a self contained suite that has kitchen , bathroom etc. That way they can entertain in that space, they can cook special foods, and they can watch tv on their own. You just see them when you need to. This will help. But your husband may not go for it.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.

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