Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Oct 3, 2019.
Your listed “rules” wont work in reality
Instead of all these rules, ask for more time before you get the parents or in laws to stay with you. I do not plan to live with my in-laws or parents at this point, but when they are older and need help.
I see things getting worse once they move in. You are already feeling very bitter about the whole thing and already stressed out.
@armummy has really good suggestions. I bow to thee armummy!
I think they should move in when you get to a point where you don’t detest them as much.
That "point" is after one's own children are well and truly out of the house, and living elsewhere.... and after a good break you are ready for some new nuisance just for its entertainment value.
Those "Terms &Conditions" should be developed (like the constitution) in collaboration with the spouse. Like a constitutional convention. If not, it is just like the constitution of a banana republic.... will be tossed aside by a dictator and horrid things will ensue.
Thank you so much or replying on this : I;m very curious to know more about no health insurance for 5 years . My husband is actually thinking differently. He has been told that once their GC is done they get medicare on GC . is that not TRUE? one of our friends mom she lives with her daughter because she has no husband. My husband was told by them that they get medicare for her on GC .
Can you please tell me more about this ?
ok so it seems like everyone agrees that these rules wnt work and instead i should just say NO to this ...my husband is already in the process of filling out the paper work.We had so many fights and arguments and discussions about it , but he is a very determined guy ! I have not been talking to him and at the end told him to just leave me alone and do whatever he wants to do .That is the reason i'm so upset and angry as well .
He did agree on buying a bigger house but do nt agree to buy them a condo separately. More than money, its his duty and shame that will not let him do that . He is a mummas boy and he has a lot of guilt that his parents are living in India . I have faced this problem for like 15 years and that have been the only problem but a very big problem in our married life
It has come to a point where this is getting out of hands and since parents are getting old, i cant say much but they are not that old as well. They go for vacations, they go out to relatives place all the time, they do everything but somehow pretend to be sick and old all the time
Thats why more than anyone else, i'm blaming my husband on this and i totally belive that he is the one who is going to cause this unhappiness in this house
When it comes to money and savings , he feels its hs prime duty towards parents same as his kids . so its like i'm banging my head against the wall .
I see no solution, but a divorce or some kind of seperation in the future . have nt lived with somenoen for like 20 years and more and i will not like to live wth them .I dnt want to compromise because this is not the life i choose and i feel that there is an option towait for 5-10 more years but if hes not going to d that , i will also no compromise
Honestly I don't think these written terms and conditions work in any relationship. Given the complex of your marriage and in laws, it will just be treated as a piece of paper only.
Having said that, I don't think it is impossible to build a happy home when in laws are present.
It is all about how you and your H want to run your home. Guests will stay and have their time anyway, but their presence should not bother your usual family life.
So, take this (i mean, your marital relationship) to your hand, and work on this. The rest will fall in the right place.
My sister lives with her in laws since the beginning. There were 1000 differences at first, but everyone being reasonable in the family made wonders. Within months, they became a complete family.
Now that, my sister misses her MIL whenever she visits us. She calls and check whether her MIL had eaten or not. Her MIL makes ayurveda oils and stuff for my sister's hair and she takes excess interest in doing such things for her DIL.
It is a treat to see such happy DIL/MIL relationship.
How come it was possible? It is not a rocket science.
My sister has a great relationship and specially a very good understanding with her H. He is her top priority and nothing else. In fact, her children come only after that. Same with my BIL too. He takes his wife as his first priority.
Their relationship is very open. Even a stranger on the road can understand how close they are as couple. So, it is not a secret before the PILs or parents.
When PILs know that their children and their spouse are very much attached to each other, they don't dare to come in between.
Once her MIL suggested something to her son out of interest, but it was meant something against my sister's wish. It was way earlier in their marriage and that time my sister and her MIL were yet to build a relationship.
But my BIL was clever, and made his mom clear that it is impossible to do anything that could hurt or affect his wife. So his mom should refrain from suggesting such matters hereafter. That was it.
The next time, when she unintentionally stated something of that sort, she heard an earful.
This time his sisters came in, but they were stopped at the door by my BIL.
My BIL was very clear, and he had that spine to talk what is right and what is not.
Issues came, my sister's MIL was angry and she used to say like her son has changed after marriage.
But he did not take it offensive. He accepted it, and asked his momma to accept the same. In fact, everyone should change after marriage. That's what marriage is for. What is there to feel shame or inferior about it.
We women too have changed a lot after marriage.
When the old woman has no choice, and was very clear that her son and DIL are of one unit, and they are reasonable people; hence there is nothing to worry... She kept her cool.
Now that, they have been married for nearly a decade and the relationship between the MIL & DIL is amazing.
It is all in your and your H's hand. Not in other's hand
Get a divorce lawyer call your husband's number by "mistake" and leave you a message. Make sure it is a female divorce lawyer (the gender carries a greater threat), and she talks about the salvage value of your marriage, and how she'd get you the best value.
[secret hint: it does not have to be a real divorce lawyer...... but just someone who sounds very American and Aggressive on the phone]
Op...even you know that this will not work.
Considering your situation and the hold your inlaws and sil have over your husband....very little of your points will be implemented.
You have to accept that either you or your husband will be very bitter and resentful by whatever happens.
You can only choose if you want to be the one who is resentful or your husband will be the one.
There is no point of making threats when everything turns super ugly .
If threats have to be made, they should be made now .
If you are thinking of separation in future, why suffer now?
you are not a regular ( I know that you are only seasonal as yellow mango ).... but when you come in, it is a breath of fresh/pleasant air.
There has to be a big market for teaching girls how to choose battles in life. The aunties who are supposed to offer prenuptial advice are failing big time.
I do not think everyone gets Medicare. Check this link. Medicare and social security are deducted from your pay check. And this is what gets paid to you when you are 65 and older. So as new immigrants has to be here for 5 years (I think that's when they are paying taxes as a resident?) then only they will be eligible for medicare. Check this link.
Medicare Eligibility for New Immigrants who are Green Card Holders
This might not be full information. Also, Medicare rules are different in different states also.