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Taking important decision in Life.. plz help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Polestar, Mar 14, 2012.

  1. Polestar

    Polestar New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies, Please advice me on this.. As I cudn't discuss about all these with anybody, I wish I get some solution atleast for my baby's sake.
    I got married 2 years back.. Am in US.. Now am 6 months pregnant.. My husband is quiet loving but he has his own flaws.. Ofcourse we all have flaws but tat should not affect others in any means.. My father is a very genuine gentleman.. He is a govt auditor and practices private also.. He is so noble that he is running an institution for CA for poor aspiring students to clear the exam for free.. So, he is such a good man.. My mom is a best home maker, As my father often goes on tour for auditing its my mom who alone takes care of family.. Very talented.. She is a double masters degree holder and left job to raise us bcas of Dad's profession. Then i have an elder sis.. She is gold medalist in Madras university and now working for a top notch IT company.. She is married and have a small baby boy.. Basically am from a rich educated background girl.. I finished my engineering and was working for a software company.. I got married in 23 years.. So, God has blessed me with all positiveness in Life and I always feel so happy n proud about my family.. It was an arranged marriage.. My husband is a software engineer. We got this alliance through matrimony.. They claimed themselves as rich high class family and financially well settled.. He has a sister and they sadi she is married n have a small baby.. As soon as I got engaged, many things changed.. They wanted to know our financial details and my parents agreed to tell them about all savings n investment we had.. Later they just informed us casually that my SIL will be at home hereafter and they are going to file divorce for her as soon as my marriage gets over. It was a big shock for us.. We didnt anticipate it n my parents never wanted to give their daughter to a place where SIl at home.. Then we got married inspite of mny such problems.. I came to US with hubby.. Though we were living miles apart, my husband used to have tooo much of connection with them say like calling home thrice a day irrespective of his many office phone calls for hours.. Our problems slowly started like he never like me talking about my folks.. Post marriage they claimed his father to be in agood job.. BUt later found he is jobless.. Neither me or my parents made all these big bcas I shud live happily... Inlaws were living a Good posh rented house post engagement and said their own house wud also be the same.. Ones engagement done, they moved to own house, which is incredibly small.. I was brought in a house with maid, cook and driver, but in inlaws house, I need to draw water from water pump and store it in drum and take bath.. Am ready to accept all these, but my MIL demands me getting saree for a post marriage small function for 25000/-(bcas my dad can afford) saying only then they can keep up their status.. I don understand wht status they can claim living in such house.. I asked my husband ones after marriage, like is it right to hide all these negatives and get married to me??? From that day he never wanted me to talk about my folks

    1. If I talk about my sis, just something casually as how they spend their weekend, he gets irritated and says - so, u are pointing tat my sis is at home an ur sis is living happily.. I don know why he compares like that..

    2. If I say my dad got me this bangle for my pregnancy, he immediately tells so you are bragging that he is rich to get u gold bangle n my father is jobless

    he never wants to talk anything about families... I just dono how to live a life like this.. Am ready to accept all the negatives in the family if he openly tells to me and explains his family situation.. But never wants to do that with me, instead he doesn't want me to talk about my family.. My dad often asks how my husband is and tells him he wants to talk to the son in law now n then.. but my husband never does that when spends hrs in phone with his parents.. All these hurts me badly... My Sil casually calls us at night like 2clock and tells she feels bored n wants somebody to talk to and spend time with brother.. I don like that.. Now Hubby is very happy bcas I stopped talking anything about my family to him, but I feel What life is this when you can't even share anything happily with husband.. I have changed so much after marriage.. Bcame so adjustable, hours n hours I stay in kitchen cooking for him, sitting all alone at home when is continously in phone either parents, sis or office.. Now am pregnant.. I feel like leaving him and going back to my parents after delivery... I wanted to start a new Life as I was before, confident, elegant working gal.. But I feel guilt that am taking away my baby's days with his father.. I know he is not going to consider the baby as his prime before his sister or parents. But still he is the father afterall.. So, plz advice me to either stay with him and just move away from him and live a life.. I feel am seperated from him mentally I cudn't concentrate on my motherliness and alwasy keeps thinking about the day I leave him, how will my parents react to it.. Etc... So, am confused.. plz help..
     
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  2. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Well Yoou have a baby on the way now so this is not the time to think about all the issues between you. Is he taking care of the pregnancy? Taking you to doctors and all that stuff? Taking proper care of you?

    If so, then just dont talk about any family - yours or his -Talk about things that are common to you - like show himultrasound. pick baby pictures and baby names. together you can makea baby room as well,

    If he doesnt talk to your parents, then you also neednt talk.if he forces then just nod your head and reply in monosyllables.

    for now just take cre of baby :) Congrats!!! Is it a boy or a girl?
     
  3. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Now you know both the families are poles apart specially money wise.
    Isn't it good your h does not want to do anything with your parents or hear about your family. It could have been the other way he could have demanded everything that they have in the name of dowry and made your life hell.
    Now that you are pregnant ignore talking with his sis and all the midnight drama. Focus on your health and baby.
    Make friends with other moms and keep yourself busy.
    Getting separated because he doesnot want to hear about your parents doesnot sound right.
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I see that you are living away from inlaws. now what your husband does with his parents/sister shouldnt bother you because you are pregnant and it affects your health. this is not the time to tackle or handle such issues.

    AGAIN DONT HATE ME...i keep hashing out this sisue in every post of mine...

    youhave these many issues with him and this guy sounds like having inferiority complex, and you ended up getting pregnant?? I mean whyd idnt you take a step back when planning for a baby instead of now? or can we call this as the effect of hormones??


    Whatever it is bottom line...this is not the time to think and predict how your husband will be after the birth of the baby. let time take its course...deliver the baby, recover and then see how things are and make decision!!! this is for the sake of yours and your babys safety and well being. if you are bent up on fixing and finding solutions now, it may affect not jsut you, but babys health too. so pls rest these thoughts for a while.

    As far as talking to him about yoursister etc is concerned, really.....is it necessary??? when you know he wont understand why even share info about your family!!! that too good info..happy info...he cant show empathy or happiness for you...take it and accept it.

    I am actuallysurprised he is comparing his sister vs your sister...instead of saying, ohh so you are saying your sister and husband are doing good, but you n me are not happy etc....this guy definitely has inferiority complex.(because instead of thinking about his lfie first, he is looking at his sisters life....so we know that he knows he is fine...but he is worried people will talk abouthis sister and was wondering whether you are also indirectly talking aobut his sister...even though thats not hte case....not your fault you cant help it...its all in his head)

    do not talk good / bad about his sister or parents pls...keep it yourself. because you never know how these people will twist your words...

    do not say what your father /mother gave you..just ask him if it is ok to take from your parents...and whether he approves :) if he says yes...then take it. (anyways you know he will say yes right!!!!)

    be happy that you have caring parents, but dont try to fix issues now and spoil your health. know when to pick your battles. and alsoremember to assign some chores to this guy. he has too much time at hand.
     
  5. Polestar

    Polestar New IL'ite

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    @psych : As you said tats how am living now.. Not talking about anything tat disturbs us.. But attimes when I think, I feel my parents have got so much of disappointment in this marriage, atleast just a phone call ones in 2 weelks will make them feel good that my daughter is in good hands.. Anyway as u said its not the time for it... I pray he gets some changes atleast after seeing the baby...

    Btw its a Boy.. :) Am so happy about it...
     
  6. Polestar

    Polestar New IL'ite

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    @Srividhya : Yes dear, you are absolutely right.. I waited 2 years to gain courage to have a baby and then planned to have one, bcas as you said he has too much time and he doesn't know what to do.. If we have a baby life changes and def he will divert his attention towards the baby is what I thought.. so its def not hormones effect..

    As you said I often used to think myself that am making a weapon inside my womb and when it is done properly(healthyly) I can jump into the battle.. By God's grace I have a boy baby... My mom is coming for the delivery and he said he wont pay for her travel.. But my parents themselves volunteered in paying and even got self financing Tourism Visa.. Now that he asks its gal's parents duty to pay for the delivery, since he is paying it I should not question about sending his parents on a Europe trip spending our money.. How mean he is.. Is spending money on child birth n spending money on his parents luxury tour same?? I feel frustated.. How can a Dad think of expenses for his own child birth... My parents wud not have imagined that Son in law will expect money even for delivery in US or else they will pay even for that and end up losing everything like this on me slowly...
     
  7. Polestar

    Polestar New IL'ite

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    @Ars : Yeah.. You are right.. Atleast its far better that he leaves n his family leaves my parents.. let them atleast be happy in their own way not losing so much on me in their old age..

    Lemme try to keep myself happy and atleast I want my baby to be happy out of this mess..
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I really dont get these contradictory statements....this guy was always behind what your parents are giving/paying...and his parents showed their true colors right after marriage and all teh truth about the ri family came out....and you were expecting tokeep this man busy...so you are having a baby????????? did that sound like a right reason or decision??? because you n your parents are the ones who are stuck in this entire thing...

    do you think after having a baby its a easy walk??? I dont get it really..have you ever done the aftermath!!!!

    you are happy its a boyyyyyyyy....am sure your inlaws n husband would also be happy.....what if you want to walk out after delivery and they say no..and fight for custody....whats the plan there??

    waiting doesnt mean after marriage there is a set time to wait on having kids....having kids at the right time is what matters as another life is at stake here!!!! and if a man doesnt show his responsibilities towards his wife..and if we expect him to change with the birth of the baby.....there is a 50-50 chance...and if you are already taking chances....be prepared to accept some more pain...

    I just wanted to shut my mouth on this...but...major wrong decisions made already...specially when it came to bringing a baby into a marriage where its already not established even after 2 yrs....and the marriage from start to end seems to be all about money n money nothing more....


    anyways I guess you chose what you chose.....let time take you where you have to!!!

    by the way by no means I am discouraging you to do anything you want to!! but pls remember you are young, and unless you feel comfortable dont jump into anything....dont assume something will bring in some change....it may/may not...the maynots is what affects us more...and at your age, I really feel sad if someone has to face maynots.....be strong and always think about you and the state you are in before making any future decisions. ..being hopeful is good, but as soon as you are pregnant, your entire hope turned upside down and you are thinking of separation.....this shows totally a diff. back end plan

    Also..whether your parents are well off or not....it shouldnt matter when it comes to yoru lifes decisions. You have to plan yoru life based on your capabilities. and keeping your futures best interest. you cant run to your parents everytime there is an issue or look at them and think ohhh I ahve someone to take careof (think of your SIL what she did)....so after you deliver the baby, recover and then first get yourself to stand up on your own feet...i.e get a job...see how all this plays out...learn to be independant....(its a lot of work really....)

    we all wish you the very best.
     
  9. Polestar

    Polestar New IL'ite

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    Yeah you r right.. I really agree with your point.. One thing what my SIL and MIL talks so much to my hubby is my SIL's baby daughter.. How she tries to talk, how she walks, doctor appoinment for her,, her future studies.. etc.. So, my mind convinced me that if we have our own baby he will start showing interest in the family.. I know very well my MIL n SIL will never feel happy to hear other baby stories.. They haven't even congratulated me even ones till now.. BUt they speak to my hubby asking about my doctor's appointment and he thinks they care for me and its me who is rude.. Esp my SIL cannot withstand seeing my hubby talk about other babies.. So, I thought they will move lil away if I have my own...

    Then, I think my inlaw families are so mean to ask for custody to raise a baby.. Tat too they see it as my baby rather than their grandson.. So, tats the reason.. Anyway as you said reasons apart... lemme keep myself strong enough to face everything that comes my path.. If can't struggle more I had to take up my path and get a job to stand on my own without bothering my parents in any way... I wud just ask for moral support from them as being a women of 25 years I cannot live alone with a small baby.. Lemme keep my fingers crossed and pray God for hoping to see some changes in my husband as you said it has 50-50 chances...
     
  10. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    OP - Since your SIL is in this situation (no husband and with a daughter), sil will be very jealous of you. Your in-laws will also be insecure as to what will happen once your baby arrives. They are also worried that if their son changes then thier daughter and granddaughters future will be at stake. They may not care about you but in front of DH they will pretend to be nice so he still keeps giving them goodies. So you need to behave exactly like them.

    This family situation on his is whats making him insecure and jealous - jealous that your family is better than his. He already knows that and gets jealous and thats why he behaves this way.

    The change will happne but verrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy slowlllyyyyyyyyyy. And to do this you must be always in DH's good books (wrt his family). Just pretend that u care about them. And trust me, you dont want to involve in his family matters. His sister may be a good woman, who with some support from family can still live her life or (like in mine) a selfish woman who refuses to grow up because that means she has to accept her responsibility.

    As Sri said, deliver the baby and take a job. With the money you earn, spend some on your parents too that way you will not feel guilty. Save some for yourself and give some for house hold expenses.

    its a long road and it will take time. But theres still chance.

    And why do you want to discuss your family? they are nice ppl right? why have a jealous person talk to your parents?? you dont want them to be insulted right?

    And yes - you can live by yourself and raise the baby - but only if the situation demands - i,e you find your dh abusive and uncaring towards baby. For now concentrate on strengthening the bond you have. Develop some of his interests so u have something totalk about
     
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