Taken For Granted

Sapna56 · Jun 25, 2018

Hi all
I moved to other city few months. Me and DH don't have many friends here. Theres just one friend of us and they also have kid of my son's age so we kind of keep visiting each other. From my past experiences the lady is kind of lazy. She always invites us and then say we will order some food. Whenever we go, she will say i am not hungry so don't order anything for me. This happened few times and we ended up paying for every order. Now we stopped ordering food whenever we go and i say that we are done with dinner or whatever.
Whenever they visit our place, me and DH always make sure that i am preparing tea or breakfast or dinner sometimes.
Whenever they visit us and have food, lady feels overwhelmed and says i will make so and so dish and invite you guys but that never happens.
We also invited them for dinner when her parents came. As courtesy, we expected them to atleast invite us once. But she just kept on saying i want to call you for home made food by my mother. And it never materialize.
Infact we ourselves just went to see her mom and dad when they were leaving back to india. She didn't even ask us for a tea.
DH is kind of angry and was not even willing to visit them. But i forced him as her parents were going back to india.
Now even i have decided, that i will not go extra mile to prepare food and all for them. Atleast want to make them realize a bit.
Lemme know what are your suggestions.

GeetaKashyap · Jun 25, 2018

All of us have such friends. I agree with your decision. Stick to your decision irrespective of whether they realise or not.

goldenhoney87 · Jun 25, 2018

Are u sure that she knows/likes to cook?

Sapna56 said: ↑

From my past experiences the lady is kind of lazy
Click to expand...

Next time when your families meet u can give her an idea that u guys can cook together.
You can always say 'lets share the cheque '
or you are on a diet and dont want to eat outside food.
I have few affectionate friends but the last thing that I can do for them is to cook.I am not inclined towards cooking whatever the situation is. Even if i invite friends i outrightly tell them not to expect tasty dishes( I don't even try to make more than two or three dishes) and they are welcome to cook.I can do any help in the kitchen(ex. washing and cutting the veggies) but not inclined to cook.
If your friend is someone is like me then I see nothing else than laziness and disinterest in cooking.
Am always scared to invite people for the same reason.

messedup · Jun 25, 2018

You can take some packed food whenever you go to her home and tell her let's eat this. And when they come to your place don't make anything extra. Just make regular food and increase the quantity accordingly.

Needtobestrong · Jun 25, 2018

Seems ok, dont put in extra efforts if it s not reciprocated.
Your friend seems lazy and stingy.
She could have ordered food from outside and paid for it if she was unable to cook..
Could have bought few soft drinks and snacks from store and served with tea.
It hardly takes ten fifteen minutes to make a few cups of tea in vessel..
If elderly people visits courtesy demands to atleast offer coffee tea.
I'm very surprised!

Sunshine04 · Jun 25, 2018

Maybe she doesn't like to cook.
If your son likes to play with her kid,continue for him. Just take some food for ur son.
If not, stop being friends with them

Rihana · Jun 25, 2018

Other than the food part, how is the friendship? You care about it? You and your DH get along with them very well?

If this is her nature, and she is like this with most friends, let it be. The friendship will take its natural course.

If you want to stop making food for them when they visit because it is too much work or you want to keep the hospitality balanced, stop making. Don't stop making food to make her realize anything.

In friendship or other relationships, things are not exactly 50-50. Some things one person does more, other things the other does more. Like maybe one person does more cooking, other keeps more in touch.

If the friendship is worth it, you will become closer friends, and her not cooking, her perpetual plans to cook, will become a thing you both laugh at.

Sangeeta85 · Jun 25, 2018

Ask her u get something to eat and u will make something too so it is not just pressure on one person..

sokanasanah · Jun 26, 2018

When I was a child, I was taught to reflect on such situations in either of two ways:

If you feel close to the friends you are cooking for (or doing other things for), then your love is the main ingredient of the menu. You do what you do as a symbol of your affection, as a concrete expression of the warmth you feel in their company and gratitude for their presence in your life.

If they are not particularly close, or if you notice yourself resenting your guests, then you do what you have to do as a gracious gesture of hospitality chez Sapna - it becomes a matter of personal style and need not be elaborate. You do it for you, not them.

The US-FDA has an opinion on this.

Vedhavalli · Jul 2, 2018

Such behaviors do irritate and you feel bad after doing so much to a person and in return expecting a coffee/tea isn't wrong.
As many said, henceforth
1) never order any food when you are at her place, pack snack for kid so you can give him when he is hungry. When you are hungry get out of the place go to restaurant or home to eat.
2) if she visits make tea/coffee with biscuits. Nothing else no extensive Indian snacks like pakoda etc.
If she asks you to order when she is at your place, say you have leftovers or you are going to eat only roti, curd rice or dosa batter left only for 3 of us.
When my child was 17 month old, we went a relatives house, they invited us. My kid won't eat anything with masala or fried. My mom asked if they have dosa batter kid could eat dosa. Lady of the house replied dosa batter left only for us.
Next moment I said I have to give child some food so going home. For a 17 month old baby own relatives can reply that in India. You are in Western hemisphere. You can reply much boldly.
3) admitting she is lazy and has less cooking capacity, yet no body can be so lazy all the time even for a coffee/tea, orlazy enough to order or to pay half amount of the bill. So what they eat? Raw salads all 3 times? Put such questions in a funny way when she asks you to order .Say you order we are full, just had food. Everytime.
4) we invited someone for lunch made 4course meals.
1) mango custard
2) baby corn machurian
3) bhoondi raita
4)veg biryani
5) rice
6) mushroom mattar gravy
7) naan (homemade)
8) rasam
9) bhindi masala.
They invited us 2 weeks after for lunch
1) veg biryani ,not even raita(it's not she is lazy or something, they think it's enough)
My kid found spicy asked for curd the lady gave curd, in the store bought box with spoon.They served in disposable plates - not a big party only 3 of us were invited.
Imagine how we would have felt. I can understand how you are feeling, at least these people had courtesy to invite us and give something. From then I understand don't exert self to do much and we expect sane from others. So better not to bend much.