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Sweet In Person And Ignoring In Public

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Autumn10, Jan 16, 2019.

  1. Autumn10

    Autumn10 New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    I am here with some situation I am unable to understand. I live in society where I know couple of friedns/neighbors..I used to be a full time working person with no or little time to socialize,just a simple hi ,hello with the people in my neighborhood.i am not part of any groups that form in society either.
    Now I am stay at home and on a maternity break.

    I figured I am not that good at making friends.but I am talkative,initiating conversations and go to extra miles to help someone when needed.
    I have started noticing that people are very sweet to me in person(also on one to one conversations on WhatsApp) but totally ignore me in public.i.e. it's as if I am talking to some different person altogether.i am really itriatted by this behavior.this is happening with almost everyone i know.

    People come to me for seeking advice,knowing what I am doing,comment on my status every now and then. But in social gatherings etc they won't even look at me or be with some other people or will be in some group.they will be busy with them ,taking pics or doing a chit chat.

    I got really irritated and cut ties with All these people by not talking to them or removing them from social media .they will themselves come and talk to me later either on WhatsApp or FB.or messanger.
    Even the lady in my neighborhood will come to my home ,praise anything in my home ,ask where I got it from ..but in public she won't even recognise me ,rather be rude to me.
    I sometimes think whether there is somethings wrong with me and it feels really lonely.

    I am really really confused ,does this happen to anyone?
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
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  2. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Where are you living?

    India or abroad ?

    Also..just to give them the benefit of doubt..maybe they are nice and are civil with you..but since they are having closer friends who they meet everyday,meeting them in parties..they get too involved when they see them?

    Do they atleast say a hi back if you do?
    Or they outrightly ingore?If they do..don’t even need to talk to
    Them.


    Next time just try one time initiating or going and talking to them maybe..They might warm up..if they behave weird,their friendship is not worth it.

    However..since they are in your community, just maintain hi bye without getting emotionally attached.
     
    Mehana likes this.
  3. Autumn10

    Autumn10 New IL'ite

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    Thank you @anika987 for your reply.

    I live in india. Sometimes they will nod back or sometimes not. Even the people who try to show lot nicer in personal conversations would be rude by ignoring or if I m talking cutting me in the middle. if I go myself and talk ,they will go somehwere else and join other group .
    I am ok with all this but why do they unnecessary follow me later personally,like commenting on my status ,intiating conversations on WhatsApp etc.

    Also I am the one who is always considered last for any invite or function..
    Really not sure what's wrong.
     
  4. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Silver IL'ite

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    @Autumn10 - I do have some friends like this. They are great in person and completely different in public. They would keep talking to others and will ignore you. I have one friend who is quite weird.
    • One time she insulted me while we were in public and strange thing is we were out for dinner with other friends and I had gone to pick her up and was then gonna drop her home too.
    • She would want me to call her when I got out with my set of friends and she wouldn't do the same when she goes out with her other set of friends.
    • She has her bunch of friends with whom she hangs out regularly, but won't ask them for favors. For any needs she will ring me.
    • My last interaction with her was a final eye-opener and then I decided to keep very very limited relationship with her. We all were in same team at work together and few months back I changed teams. She is in the same team and had called all the team members for dinner recently, except me. I was fine with it since I am not part of the same team and also she doesn't call me when she calls her other friends at home (not sure why she does that, but she doesn't want me to get involved with any of her other friends.) However, she was cleaning her house and making space to accommodate people and she has this heavy table she wanted to get rid of so she could have more space. She buzzed me so I go to her place, help her move her table so she can party hard. I didn't respond to her request positively and then limited the connection.
    This was an example of my extreme friend, but I have experienced the kind of people you are talking about. Just remember, these days you will always find just a handful of good/true friends or people around you and others will be such friend in need kind of people. Just spend more time with ones who consider you always and spent least with such people.
     
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  5. Autumn10

    Autumn10 New IL'ite

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    Thanks @sneha1985 ,thank you for your reply..you are right..it's difficult to find good friends these days..just everyone behaving like this makes me feel whether there is something wrong with me.
     
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  6. CRASHASH

    CRASHASH Senior IL'ite

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    I felt bad about myself a few years ago that I am not able to make friends. Being a Psychology student, I was repeatedly told that something should be wrong with my behaviour or myself that's why I cannot make friends or have good ones for long time. Days passed, years passed now I am married and without a kid (Unexplained infertility). I have lived in two countries and three Metropolitan Cities in India. I reside in Mumbai at present.
    My current Friendships:

    *I am close to a girl who was my Collage mate. She is going through hard time, she usually shies away from meeting or calling although occasionally she does call. I make a point to call her at least once in 3 weeks to check on her. I don't expect anything from her and I think even she does the same. She is running a boutique and has a toddler.

    *I have Whatssap friends- They live in Hong Kong and USA/UK (Collage mates/work mates). They seldom visit India frequently. I regularly message/we exchange messages or pics. I also have strangers who are friendly! I don't know much about those people, not that I want to dig for their personal information. These are women who I met during a flight and we struck a chord or I met them at a Supermarket and they exchanged numbers just in case. All these 3 women are older than me and they are kind of spiritually inclined. I love talking with such people it makes me happy. They keep in touch through emails/surprise phone calls once in blue moon.

    Only the above details are a constant in my life. I actually don't have a buzzing social life. Since I have been travelling a lot I couldn't manage to continue working and hence, I started working online (Translations), now I am addicted to working at my own pace. So I do get lonely at times and feel why I don't have friends with whom I can hangout regularly. I am friendly and accepting. Here, I came up with these reasons why I don't have many friends:

    1. We often confuse acquaintances to friends. I did. They might be nice to you, smile at you or talk with you but still they may not consider you as their type. Sometimes we feel one way relationship and it's their 'friendliness' we get misled thinking we are in their inner circle-mind you, this can be somebody whom you know for many years!

    2.Your accessibility to places where social interaction is more- Like Collage, Schools, Community Centres etc., I cannot include Office environment in this whole heartedly because I have experienced that friendships from Office/work place are very confusing; one moment you are close and the next you are not. But probably, others have a different say.

    3. Your age/Lifestyle/Hobbies- Age shouldn't matter in friendships but it's hard if you really want to hang out with people of your age. In my case, I am kind of isolated-because I travel once in 2 months, I don't have a kid (so many women cannot connect to me or weary about me thinking why she is still without a child or over curious and annoying to a point where I break down and cry!). Not having a child alone has made many people to keep me away from gatherings etc., so I think it's good I don't call them my friends. I read a lot, write and craft. Women in my surrounding don't enjoy these kind of things although you can say they do like craft. So connecting with them with all these 'limitations' of mine is hard work. one of us might not put in that kind of hard work for a connection.

    4. Expectations- You know, people expect a lot from you but they don't tell you. They expect you to read their minds. They are quick to judge and dismiss if you fail to live up to their expectations. Sometimes it's we who expect that they should call us, they should talk to us in certain way etc., (refer point number 1). So I have experienced that many people get disappointed quickly and drop a potential friendship.

    5. Resourcefulness- My husband is in a senior Management position in a big bank. He has many 'friends'. Those friends keep calling him for an outing and what not but somehow they are not present when there is an issue with him or if he changes his job (he did once). you can see a drastic shift in their attitudes as and when his job profile keeps changing. I don't blame them because that's what they want out of his connection.

    6. Family struggles- During my School and Collage days, my Social life was on fire. I had many friends or so I thought but as I kept getting engrossed in family struggles/issues/life I could no longer be that person and I started looking out for meaningful relations. Then reality hit me. It's not easy to connect to a person. I don't regret it though as it was an eye opener for me.

    So now I am in a peaceful place thinking that I don't want to have relations that are complex, misleading and hurting. We can be ourselves and allow people to see us. However, I don't subscribe to the point that people like me should change or try to have more friends. It's really pointless because that's not true and that's not what I want. I am not in a hurry. I am happy to nourish the relations that are close to my heart and willing to make new connections that can be fulfilling. I am also trying to be more open to people in terms of not expecting anything from them (it's very tough!). I think this is what you can do if you are dealing with this kind of problem. I hope my long answer didn't bore you! All the best.....
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2019
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  7. Autumn10

    Autumn10 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your suggestions..I agree with all your points because I have really experienced them the way you stated.

    I was also very social since childhood,but after landing a job and getting married things started to change. When I was child we had a very big joint family with uncles and grandparents.i was always surrounded with people.

    At the age of 10 ,I lost my mom and we shifted to nuclear family with my step mom .She is not bad at all but I do not have motherly terms with her.
    I have a real younger sister ,i m very close to her ,she stays in other city and busy with her job normally.. even after we became nuclear family I had lot of friends in college and neighborhood. I had friends of all ages ,small kids to old age people
    Everyone used to like me and wanted to spend time with me.

    we shifted to new place in my hometown after i started my job and with all new set of neighbors. I shifted to other city because of job and got married.Due to intercast marriage , I am not close to my ILs or any relatives on DH side.

    I did very well in my studies in spite of having many challenges to pass through including financial hurdle,and got well paying job and settled quite well now. but I lost friends ,relatives and cousins(my mother's side) in this transition.i am not sure whether i changed or they did but we are not on talking terms now due to some or the other misunderstandings.they do not behave the way they used to earlier.

    i always worked full time and hardly had any time to socialize.i had a kid very late so have always faced the stuff you explained ,before i had a kid . i m now on a maternity break and all alone all day long.i get really really bored and lonely with no friends or rather noone to talk to.
    i sometimes get scared thinking i will never have any friends and will end up lonely. I really want my old ,social and happy me back but not sure how
     
  8. shinycalif

    shinycalif Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Autumn10,

    I wanted to send in my 2 cents regarding this situation. I am pretty sure 90% of the people who show their social life is buzzing are the ones who feel more lonelier than anyone. And lot of the so called friends are just for the party or socializing rather than being a true friend. So if you have 2 or 3 friends who are real and can stay by you in thick and think count your stars for them. Thats has been my overall experience staying in 3 other countries other than India . People tend to move along with other people who are in the same situation as them because that makes them secure. A divorced woman being friends with a married woman if she is insecure she will suddenly start staying away from the divorced friend. I am not saying it happens everywhere or with everyone but a general tendency of people. They try to be friends of their own kind and sometimes with the ones who are very chill, don't nag much and don't complain much. Everyone is busy and making a good friend takes time, attention, sacrifice and hardworking which is hard to do so people move with the flow. If you want to make friends you have to get out there and make them, and you can join places where you will have some common thing like crochet, crafts, management, public speaking, art ,music , reading books there are a lot of meet ups that happen where if you push yourself out of the house can put you in loop with like minded people. Life is so demanding that people don't even talk or smile at one another if you think about it. Its no longer a physically connected world its pretty virtual. :) And not fret about it just go out there and explore !

    Take care



     
  9. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    In order to have any social circle you need to become immune to nasty behavior. Also maybe you are a smart woman and the women in your community feel threatened by your presence. There is always this undeclared competition among women. I have joined language classes and have experienced a sort of racist behavior supported by so called friends. I can ignore it for the sake of having friends or I can cut them out. Please remember there is nothing wrong with you.
     
  10. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Silver IL'ite

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    There is nothing wrong with you... don't forget most of us are experiencing this... I have just started following tit for tat strategy in life now...

    I was reading your other posts and looks like you are married and expecting... Congratulations... :)

    I am single and I had moved to my current city for work, most of my friends have moved to a diff city and couple of them who are left follow friends for benefits relationship with me... TBH after going through all the experiences in life, I now enjoy my own company more than anything else... or youtube is my friend whenever I feel bored... I learn new things from there or just watch some comedy shows...
     
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