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Suprise Element At Invites

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by hermitcrab, May 30, 2019.

  1. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @SpringB
    I have done that in the past but now I am more aware of the socialization part of get togethers.
    In my community and social circle, I know most people by face. So, it get's easier for me to decide whether to spend energy on some or not.
    I am over the phase of meeting new people and more into knowing the known.
     
    SpringB and SinghManisha like this.
  2. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    @sunshine1970
    I agree that in Indian shaadi invitations or birthday parties for kids, it is best to not ask who else is invited.
    Same for major events in US like house warming, graduation etc

    If people say it's just school parents, it's plenty of information to work with and if someone say, just another family- it's also good information to work with.
    But just another family should be just another family!
     
  3. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    I think it is okay to ask in case of US get togethers of 2-3 family. Out of that 3, one is host and 2 or 3 are guests.
     
  4. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    You read my mind and wrote it way more articulation, than I could.

    Food is not most important part of socialization for me, never was. In case of big get togethers, like house warming, first birthday and others like @Rihana mentioned, it is given that many people will be invited and we cannot ask the host. But we still try to find someone we can sit with or go together to party. Even at American weddings, the host tries to put name card on table, so that 'similarly tagged' people can sit together. In India, we used to even car pool to wedding parties, when we were little.

    Now, when a good friend of mine, whom I consider a close friend, fails to tell me that she has invited her ILs and when asked- actually lies about them- calling them just another family- I think it is wrong.
    In my heart, I knew that if she had told me that ILs were invited, I would have politely made an excuse and turned down her invitation. But how did she know, that I won't come if she tells me about ILs.
    If she knew, why did she lie?

    I have a whole bunch of problems in my married life. I have to carefully plan my socializations. I cannot get up and go.

    Khao pio and mast raho (eat drink make merry) cannot be my motto.

    In second case, where the new neighbor was invited, the host is close friend. I was trying to keep the new neighbor at Hi-bye. I have another thread about neighbors who are not Indian. At this point, I cannot invest my energy in the new neighbor. The kids are not of same age and I have other priorities. Also, I find her weird. I am usually a open minded person and hence the host must have decided to invite me thinking I will be good mix to the crowd. But she should have taken me into confidence and started the invitation process by telling that let's get together with the new neighbor. I knew again, I would have turned down the invitation if I had known. But how did the host know of my intentions. And why did she lie?
    This new neighbor is not just another family, she is the new neighbor!

    Both the of my friends above, kinda lied to me. In both cases, their wanted to "welcome" the "just another family". I was more of a "filler" whom they tricked in to being a filler.

    The third case, the friend also didn't tell me who the "just another family". I did feel tricked. But I totally wanted to meet the person, she had invited. I worked out great.

    I think I will ask the host to tell me who else is invited, in case of smallish parties. I have to take care of myself and I have so much problems in my married life and "socialization gone bad" will only add to my problems.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  5. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    I dont think hosts can customize their invitees list to suit each and every person's need.If one values the relationship with the host go and attend .If we have caught up with too many personal issues or one think socialization is not their cup of tea ,just politely turn down the invitation than have a questioner for the host.Host will not know our issues. My 2 cents.
     
  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I can understand the points of view given by Hermit crab and Rihana..
    But as a host I would get a little irritated if someone asked me who all are invited and who all are attending..if it's a get together of just few close and immediate relatives,or small group of few close friends or or just one or two families it's easy to confirm and share details but if more families are involved then I wouldn't be so forthcoming with details..it would make me wonder why the person is so choosy..
    FYI I have attended many get togethers and functions without knowing or asking about the guest list and have met some really nice people including a few ex classmates I'd lost touch with...
     
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  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    The host, need not customize the guest list but if asked, should be forthcoming.
    Example:

    We all need to dress and dress to look good. We don't dress to be uncomfortable, or look weird etc. The general population tries to get an outfit to look good in or it can be functional or both. It is our right to choose "how and what to dress in". If I tell you, I want to look at the dress, will you say no to me as the shopkeeper?

    Or will you tell me- plz don't dress, if it's not your cup of tea?
    You might just the say the above, in India many rude shopkeepers might just say that. Then I will go to different shop.
    Since, I am trying to look good (and younger) it is my wish and my right, I will always ask to look at the dress, at every shop.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Treating our weekend time with care does not mean we think we are too important or are close-minded. The average such dinner outing takes or used to take us 3-5 hours including time to get ready, get the kids ready, lock the house, drive 30-45 mins and return.

    We cut down on such outings after trying them for a few years. If I could look forward to some quality socializing and conversations with the hosts and guests, it wouldn't matter much if the people were not known to me. But, what usually happened was that the hostess was all the time in the kitchen or running around taking care of the food and drinks part. Most of them made pooris or rotis, dosas or such dishes after guests arrived. The mothers among the guests used to spend majority of the time running around kid trying to feed it. Kid herself used to be running around the house. Not much fun to behold that mother and child running around from kitchen to nook area to living and family room. Another major project used to be mothers trying to cook or boil or microwave multiple alternatives as the kid is fussy.

    Another chaos factor used to be the mayhem caused by kids running around. The adults used to be sitting in two or three places (living, family, dining etc) with appetizers, drinks on the center table etc. Kids used to be running around the whole house. One had to be on constant guard with one's drink and samosa/chutney plate as a kid could suddenly come and run between myself holding the drink/plate and the center table. Usually it was not limited to one kid. A kid almost spilling my samosa chutney into my lap or coke onto the hostess' white carpet meant there were more such behind him.

    Why would I spend time in such outing when I could be watching Netflix or having a quiet dinner with a friend or two?

    And looking back, I am glad we naturally cut down on such waste of time. I have learnt how true the saying "time flies" is. As we contemplate being emtpy-nesters, I am glad we focused weekends on family and kids and me-time's. Kids grow up way too fast. By the time they are teenagers, their room door is mostly closed and we have to knock and enter.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Food unfortunately becomes the main part of most Indian gatherings. And for some reason the quality of conversation goes down as the groups gets bigger. Meet some of the same people in a more intimate gathering, and we go away with a happier memory of talking with them.

    Yes, you did get invited as a filler and that is what I don't like. I don't care much for being a number in the n families that the hostess wanted to invite or get done with inviting over.

    "smallish" is the key. If the guest list is small, the hostess should be able to give an idea of who else might be there. We are not asking for guarantees but if she knows for sure who the other two families are and does not tell,then, it is weird.

    For parties with more than 5 families, I would like to know if I know anyone there or not. I have to convince husband and children to attend, and then listen to their whining, and it ends up them doing me a favor. Hence, the pickiness on my part.

    But looks like few people think like us. So, better to implement such asking about guests tactfully.
     

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