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Suprise Element At Invites

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by hermitcrab, May 30, 2019.

  1. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    Hello,
    In last 6 months, I have been invited to few get togethers which had an element of surprise for me, by the host. Though not hugely problematic, they all have the same pattern. Since, it is the same pattern, I was thinking if it is me or it is something that people always do to others...
    So, the thing-
    I get an invite. I say yes. I ask who else is invited. They say something real (real name of family) + something vague (keeping a secret of the other person invited). Since, I have said Yes, I don't have any leverage to ask the question more firmly. They don't have any incentive (my yes) to give me correct answer.

    In one case, my friend had invited her ILs, and she had referred to them vaguely as "one other family".Why won't she say my ILs

    In other case, another friend invited "one other family" and this was a family I have known since last 10 years through preschools etc., but not met at a party. Why won't my friend just say the name?

    In third case, yet another friend answered "one other family" and it was a new neighbor. This new neighbor is more my neighbor than my friend's.

    Any input to what I am not seeing, missing, what shd I do, why they would not tell me the answer

    In all cases, I was not harmed in any way by meeting any of surprise elements but I said at host not answering the question. Since, it was 3-4 family get together, I had a right to know I think.
     
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  2. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    The hosts can't know who is or isn't coming till invitees RSVP. If everyone needs to know who else is coming before they accept an invitation, it would be difficult for anyone to host anything.

    "One other family" has been invited. If they decline, another family is invited in their stead. The host may not know which other family till they accept.

    At most, a host could tell you who else has been invited if you insist on knowing before accepting. But then they'd risk having you think they're losers if all their other invitees decline and only their ILs show up.

    Personally, I'm more interested in knowing what's on the menu. :blush: :facepalm:
    .
     
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  3. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    Well..the host had no back up families to invite in my 3 cases. This was because of the mix of people. I have seen people do compartmentalize. That is okay by me.
    She could have said that I plan to invite so and so
    I agree to the idea of giving benefit of doubt to anyone and everyone.
    I have come here to write, after I had a doubt on their intentions...but what are they trying to get?
    I am not sure.

    In the first case, it might have been that the friend wanted to 'treat her ILs well' for whatever reason. She has told me in past- I don't invite her (MIL) to my house anymore.
    Maybe, she wanted to make them feel good or to show me that she has good relationship with her ILs. In both cases, she didn't have to call her ILs- "one other family"
     
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    @hermitcrab when I read the title of your post , I thought the surprise element was on the menu :grinning:.
    Don’t read too much into your hosts intentions. I don’t think there is much thought behind not letting you know who else is invited. Enjoy the food and host’s cooking !
     
  5. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    2 people said I am reading too much
    I will go what majority says
    For now 2/2 is reading too much
     
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  6. SpringB

    SpringB Platinum IL'ite

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    Whenever or wherever I am invited I happily go without wondering about guests. Sometimes I ask how many families as a rough estimate so that I can take something for all. I always go with the thought that I might meet someone new. So don’t mind about the surprise guests. Just go and have fun.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel like prescribing this extra homework to you: Forget the story of the movie Newton and watch it again. Election is not over till all have voted. : )

    Here's my take on it and it is a bit dated as years ago our socialization whittled down to only that which brings us pleasure. The obligatory get-togethers are a thing of the distant past.

    When the event is to celebrate or mark a specific event like a birthday, house-warming, Satyanarayana Katha, Arangetram, graduation, moving to another city, then, I don't need to know the list of invitees. I am invited to celebrate the occasion or achievement and the gathering is on the larger side.

    If the event is 3-5 families getting together for a weekend lunch or dinner, I do expect to know who else is invited. They might not have yet said yes/no, but I'd like to know who are invited. I am planning to spend 3-4 hours at the event and would need to know whom I will be spending that time with. More importantly, my husband and children will need to know how much they have to talk, and I need to train them on which topics/details are not OK to bring up. : )

    If the host's excuse is that she doesn't know who will say yes/no and so she does not know who all will be there, then, I see it as a party for which she plans to have 5 families over, and will keep calling more if some initial ones say No. My time is more important to me than to commit it without knowing who might be there. I expect that the lady will invite n families and some might say no. If she wanted to use her valuable weekend getting done with hosting n families (no matter which n families), then it is not a sincere wish to have me over.

    Situations like the ones described in the first post come up when the host is not very close to all the guests. If a host is close to the guest, when the invitation is issued, it is natural to mention who else is invited.

    In short, for a huge gathering, I would not expect to know who else is invited. For a smaller one, I would expect to know about at least a few of the other guests before I say yes or no. That does not mean I should know all who are invited. Just that meeting random new people is not my idea of a productive weekend evening.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2019
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  8. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi I don't think it is proper edicatte to ask who else is invited. You have been invited go, if you don't want to go, don't. It is really annoying when I invite people and they ask who else will be there. That is up to the hostess. Sometimes people will say, it 's just girls, or school parents, or famillies. You are going to the party for the host, not for the other attendees. I agree you need to spend time and chat with other people, but don't put so much pressure on yourself and hostess guessing who is and who is not coming.
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes . I second this
     
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  10. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Time is a precious commodity for all of us . However that does not mean that we are too important that we cannot spend an hour or two eating delicious chicken tikka masala with random people ? Whatever happened to the sporting, cool, open minded Rihana I know :)


     

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