Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will follow

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by ShilpaMa, Feb 8, 2012.

  1. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol


    Nothing personal here, bhuvnidhi. But I wonder how many of us can say that to our own parents? That live by yourself, or go to an old-age home because I cannot take care of you. I'm not talking about monstrous in-laws, who make the house a living hell for the DILs, or unreasonable husbands, who demand a fully-dedicated room-service to his parents, while the wife's parents live at their own mercy. I'm talking about normal homes, where both the husband's and wife's parents are turning older and are not at the best of their health. Wouldnt taking care of their health be as much a priority as to give love and affection to an 18-year old? Wouldnt we love our parents as much as we love our kids? So why not offer both of them the same? - Support and love (for one in twilight years, and for another at the beginning of their independent lives).

    Somehow, the thread being posted here by itself sounds ironical. Because, its a supreme court ruling for kids over 18 (as a result of a troublesome daughter trying to occupy her parent's house), and it is here in the relationship-with-inlaws forum.
    Request for moderators: Before this thread also becomes another MIL-DIL problem discussion board, I request it to be moved to the appropriate forum to invite more generic comments.
     
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  2. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    Couldn't agree more with you SSC. Also laws should not attempt to handle bits and pieces of social structure .It needs to address things as a whole.
     
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  3. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    After observing western middle class families closely, they expect kids to move out even if they go to college in the same city, partly to learn to be independent. In todays economy kids are moving back to parents place in west due unemployment. My 15 year old wants to move out even if she ends in the same city where we live once she finishes high school, which is fine as she will be going to college similar to what we did in India, we will be paying tution and boarding.
     
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  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    Moving out and being responsible for putting roof over ones head are two completely diff things.
    As teenagers many kids would loooove to move out as long as the dad foots the room/food bill and college tuition.(which is what most desi parents in US or India do)

    Its when u are expected to fund your own education and cover ur living expenses we are talking about real independence.
    The difference between a western family and an Indian one is most Indian parents cover their children's education and marriage costs putting their retirement funds on the line.
    In the west they contribute (if at all) partially to it AFTER they make sure they are covered fully first .
    Thats the key.
     
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  5. iyerponnu

    iyerponnu Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol


    Well said, JAG, as usual :)

    Most people want the 'comfort zones' offered by the eastern style of parenting combined with the 'independence' offered by the western style.. As you pointed out, many parents, esp of the previous generations worked real hard to give their children a good education, good marriages at the cost of their future - with the expectation that their children would look after them. When the children spread their wings and try not to think about the parents, the issue starts! Anonymous said that the law states that the married daughter loses her 'right' over the parents' 'earned property', but not over the ancestral property... this is what I mean by gender specific law - why should not a married son lose the right? Just because a woman comes 'into' the family, she gets rights over her in-laws' property?? As the people who earned it, it should be upto the parents to decide to whom they want to give the property to...

    Anyway, coming to the western style of parenting, many youngsters here build up huge student loans even before they finish university... though they are not expected to pay for it till you start earning a particular amount (that is how it is in the UK). And more and more students decide to stay with their parents, if the university is in the same city or at a commutable distance. This helps them to avoid the enormous bills... though they are expected to 'share' expenses.. It is not about 'moving out' at 18 or whenever... it is about being able to stand up for themselves, and 'NOT expect parents to foot the bill' for anything... whatever be their age or marital status!! In my opinion, the law should be amended in such a way that it does not favour a single gender!

    Mythili
     
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  6. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    The problem is not looking after parents. but in indian marriages, its totally one sided. A son in law is given gods position if hes nice to his in-laws (talks to them, buys them stuff occassionally). But a wife does this and nobody says shes goddess... shes termed a good dil (not a goddess even) if she lives with them. And indian parents love their sons and daughters but they are unable to accept the DIL whos from a different upbringing and doesnt share their same views. So, even though they live separate, DIL is made feel guilty that shes not their equal as she has a different upbringing??? Why would she be happy to live with IL's? If IL's were respecting her wishes, doesnt alienate the son just because hes married, then I am sure DIL's will not have problems looking after aged parents.

    Just as parents do have a contribution to thier sons success in life so do their respective spouses....

    The problem is when the men DO NOT differentiate the roles of a mother and a wife. If they keep these entities as separate, there shouldnt be any issues.

    If I am asked, would I want to live with my in-laws, I would opt for not living with my husband because it would be hell to see all 3 teaming against me. In my own house I will be like the outsider.
     
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  7. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    No doubdt parents take pains to raise a child - but doesnt a child bring any joy to them?? After a stressfull day at work, doesnt a smiling child relieve you of your stress? dont they bring happiness and joy in our lives? Arent they rewarding us instantly for our pain? Arent these worth something?? how is that these simple pleasures are forgotten ?

    If a child were to pay back expenses for their college and marriage - would you be able to relinquish them from your lives??? Lets say cost of funding a kids education (college) is 100 grand. lets say they pay us that money back, would you be able to forego your feelings about wanting love and affection from them?? you cannot

    For example - a son living in india comes abroad for further studies. The parents paid x amount in fees. Once here, the son works jobs and pays off his parents loans and also manages to support them financially. If you compare money-wise, he has paid back more than what they ever gave him..So then hes not obligated anymore, should he? But still parents like to still say the same old thing -" we raised you and sent you to the usa"- to which many sons say behind their back - maybe you did - but you are far more financially stable because u sent me here.....
     
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  8. billybob

    billybob Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    Previous generation kids were able to find low paying jobs easily in the west now even after finishing four year college they are still unemployed therefore living with parents, middle class western families are not kicking their kids out as soon as they are eighteen years old, some of the adult children are staying with parents to save downpayment for home. As far as indians in US are concerned if their childern end up in expensive colleges they are taking student loans as average middle class family in US cannot afford to pay for 6-8year college when they can take student loan. As far as India is concerned all the parents cannot afford to pay donation if they cannot get into govt colleges, they end up doing something different what their parents can afford. As far our faimily in India is concerned our parents did not pay anything for college and we paid back loans on marriage expenses, infact we paid off loans on their house. Eastern or western parenting everything is dictated by financial status. Living independently starts with taking care of themselves even if parents are paying their expenses, cooking, cleaning, doing their own laundry, not expecting anyone to take care of them with minor illness.
     
  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    So very well said Psyche. My son just finished school and we had a mothers and sons morning tea at his school. It was a cry fest. Some mother speakers talked about their relationship with their sons and how much they have done for their sons. One of them recounted that her son asked for money for every help in household work and he handed her a bill for it - gardening-5$, taking out the bin-2$, making his bed-1$ and so on and she said she turned the paper and wrote at the back- changing your nappies- nothing, dropping and picking you at school- nothing, and so on. In other words, that she has done so much but never asked for anything. I was not a speaker, but I thought to myself, don't our children give us so much happiness by just being our children. I said to my son(only in my thoughts)-
    Son, every single time you smiled at me, you have paid me back,
    every time you have called out to me- mum, you have paid me back,
    you have given me so much happiness and honor by being my child
    that you have already paid me back many times over.
    So, go and fly, soar as high as you want to.
    Don't worry about me. I am going to be alright.
    Again, I wonder why parents always think about how much they have done for their kids.
    Why aren't we grateful to our kids for just being our kids. We brought them in the world because we wanted to, not because they asked us to.
    Anyways, I think the discussion has gone totally gone astray.
     
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  10. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Supreme Court - Kids after 18 need stay permission from parents/ reverse will fol

    Exactly , Monita!This is what I was trying to say.We chose our children by giving birth to them.It is not the other way around.

    SSC, I am not bringing the MIL-DIL problem here.I am just talking parents in general.

    I know this particular mom who asked her daughter to choose between her and the son-in-law.Because she said she gave her birth and raised her(She went to an extent of saying that if the daughter chooses to go the SNIL she has to sign an agreement that there is no reln between her and her parents).Such controlling attitude will come only from parents.This is when things go beyond limit and blown out.As a society we still believe that as parents we have every right in having expectations over the child.If a mom(parents) has to charge to changing diapers etc..etc...then why did she give birth?No one will have a problem when things are smooth.And I am not trying to say "send parents to old age home".As parents , even we have our responsibility of not burdening our children.We need to plan in such a way that we are self sustained during our old age.

    BTW, how many of us here take care of our parents?A lot of us reside abroad.Will any of us leave our career or family to take care of parents?Is it practical to do so?It is high time we stop our expectations on children and live our life by ourselves.Yes, it is a comfort when our children take care of us(or atleast be with us) when we are old, but will that be a right expectation even after knowing that we will be taxing them too much?
     
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