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Super Stresses And Irritated. Can This Be Post Partum Depression?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preeti6years, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    Long post alert
    Some of you might be aware of my story. Roller coster married life with issues withg MIL and occasionally supporting husband. I have a 1.5 yr dd and thankfully my life is super busy with my job and looking after my dd after coming back. I hardly sleep for 3 to 4 hrs a day.
    From the beginning my husband does not appreciate the idea of me going to my moms house who also stays in the same city. He used to stop talking to me two days before and after. However I have not given up on this and I make sure I visit her every now and then. I have got used to this behavior now and dont care much about his silent treatment and other such stuff.
    Recently I have been getting extremely irritated MIL and his behavior. More than what is happening now the past incidents is killing my mind. The MIL issues, how she treats me. How biased she is with me and my cosis. How dh keeps mum for all this and all that. These situation happen to continue even today. Me and MIL are not in talking terms. However she keeps taunting indirectly quite often which I was ignoring.
    However recently I feel like I am loosing my patience for all this. I am not sure if this is because of ppd or because of prolonged suffering.
    I tried talking to dh over such issues a couple of times. He seems to be not in a mindset to listen anything against his mom though he knows that she is wrong. He tries to shut me up saying that i have a negative mind set and always think wrong. She blames me if my dd falls sick. She blames me for putting more coffee decoction. She blames me for keeping the back door open (even though I dont do it). what not. My husband never tells her not to talk like that.
    Recently there was a discussion something similar topic and he said she will behave well provided I am nice to her. I asked him does it mean that I have to fall on her feet everyday. He had no answer to justify his statement and he just left the place.
    Somehow I was ddeply hurt with these words and I felt like avoiding him. Its been almost 20 days that I am not talking to him. Still he is not bothered to ask me what the matter is.
    Last week both MIL and dh were talking and did not notice that I entered the house. MIL was complaining to dh on FIL(Some super silly issue) and concluded that I am also like that. I got so pissed off and called my dh and asked why is she always behind me like this and why does she always complains to him on me.
    He again asked me to stop seeing things in a negative manner and there is nothing of that sort. He spoke as if its not MILs mistake to back talk about me, but its my mistake to listen to it.
    I am a kind of person to let go things soon and easily. But this time I am not at all able to come out of this pain how much ever i try to.
    I know that no discussion with dh is going to help on this as he would never accept all these things.
    Offlate I started feeling so depressive and lonely. I have a bitter feeling that I no more than a maid and baby sitter in this house. I should not have any emotions and concerns. I just be happy with a smiling face and take all the insults with a broad mind.
    How can I make myself better in such a situation. Please advice.
     
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  2. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Preeti,

    I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'm also pleasantly surprised that you are so self-aware despite being under so much stress. Self-awareness is a very good indicator of native intelligence.

    So first of all kudos to you for suspecting that this is an anti-pattern to your otherwise natural ability to let-go of things easily. If you are getting only 3-4 hours of sleep, there is a very good chance that this persistent sleep-deprivation is leading to your depression. I suffered from ppd with a stable family life, relatively flexible job and an understanding husband. Instead of speculating, please go to a good doctor and get it checked out. Our sanity is not worth waiting on a thread in social media.

    Second of all, rise up and rise above. You have already demonstrated clarity-of-mind, strength and fearlessness, by continuing to visit your parent. That's the right thing to do and you are capable of doing it. I encourage you to apply the same principles for the rest of your life as well.

    We women shower love and affection on our husbands, know their favourite dishes, dote on our children, step out in the world, take up challenging assignments in our jobs, ask for a promotion from our managers, deal with the maid, haggle with the street-vendors and believe in ourselves in every sphere. Yet we get bothered by the silly comments of an insecure, jobless, petty, conniving MIL. Why ?

    Now it is very much possible that you have a secure, employed, sweet, honest MIL. Even then, why ? You are way out of her(their) league. You are way out of anybody's league if you decide what you want to focus on and enjoy in your life.

    So your MIL is biased. And she is good with the taunts and teases and the rest of the mega-serial stuff that she is consuming on a daily basis. So what ? and what is the news here ? Don't spend a single ounce of energy on these jokers and their jokes. We are the only ones to lose our peace of mind and that's such a tragedy. Don't spend a single second more thinking about inconsequential comments of people who don't matter in your life. Focus on yourself. Focus on the happiness of your precious daughter. Focus on your career, focus on your promotion, focus on your plants, focus on having a peaceful relationship with your husband. Focus on whatever gives you joy and peace and strength.

    The negative energy of your geriatric mega-serial MIL, I cannot imagine how that is going to help you in any way.

    In my mother-tongue there is a nice saying. When an elephant walks on the street, lots of street dogs bark, urchins come, pelt it with stones and the whole village comes out to watch it. But have you seen the elephant's face ? It gives one side-ways glance at all and keeps walking majestically.

    Be that elephant. In-fact be one step better. Don't even bother with the side-ways glance.
     
  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    You say, "I am a kind of person to let go things soon and easily"; yet, you seemed to be bothered by past incident. In reality you are bothered by every thing. A root cause analysis would help to understand things better.

    Does your MIL live with you? In what way she is biased and why? This might shed some light on the issue which might help you.
     
    yesican likes this.
  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with @MadhuRK post. Rise above.
    Be a lioness who never cares of the rest of animals including humans [:p]

    Keep yourself busy. Don't give the power of hurting you to anyone. You get hurt only till ypu give them power. It's all in your mind to decide where to focus and what to focus in life.

    You're a smart and strong woman. Keep your chin up and visit your parents as and whenever you want irrespective of the silent movie being played before and after .

    Stay strong.
     
  5. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    I feel that you are a very stronG women just like I'm , but there is always a limit to taking nonsense at you and you are at your wit end. This happened with me a lot on the past , i go through these phases when I'm torn and then i rise up .
    Heal yourself : just think about yourself, your kid and may be your parents . IGNORE these negative people in your life including HUSBAND . I know its so frustrating when your husband sides with MIL . I really liked the way you replied him that should I be kneeling every day for MIL to be happy . in reality what husbands want is that only if that is the case when their mom will be happy .
    do not complain about MIL to husband . You already know that its hard for him to side you when it comes to these things so just ignore . Same way, you ignored his silent treatments when you visited your parents. BE STRONG . do not stay quiet when your MIL is directly taunting you or trying to pick a fight with you . TELL HER STRAIGHT ON HER FACE .
    and now coming to your health : if you feel that you are like a maid and babysitter, then get help , g out to parlors etc to pamper yourself ...stop doing work for few days or weeks , do minimal amount
    you just had a baby . you need rest as well , may be go stay at your mums place for sometime or hire someone to help you . You cannot function the same way after a baby and tell that to your husband..I hope atleast hes concerned with our heatlh if it has nothing to do with his mom
     
  6. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Hi @MadhuRK ,
    Thank you so much for your valuable advice. Will surely improvise my ignorance mantra as suggested by you.

    While I try not to worry much about the happenings at home, somehow i feel insulted and irritated now a days. Thats because my MIL speaks well and with respectful tone with my cosis and with me always in authoritative and irritating tone and talks only related to house hold work as if instructing a maid (Cosis hates MIL which is altogether a different story). Even my husband doesnt tell me anything. If asked he will say its not so important which is true. I am expected to manage the house inspite of these insults. And this thought is killing me now a days
     
  7. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Hi @Topaz49,

    Yes MIL and FIL stay with us. MIL always had issues with me right from the beginning. She tried to impose restrictions on me very badly, Few things I budged and few I did not.
    She and BIL always fed negative things about me to my dh. Somehow by gods grace dh realised a bit and our relationship got better.
    MIL from the beginning is very much biased towards BIL even before his marriage and this was very evident to me, I did not discuss anything about it with dh though.
    After his marriage dh saw her true colors on how she changed the words.
    She was very liberal with Cosis and did not impose any restrictions on her especially with dressing and visiting moms place.
    When ever they come for vacation they are given a royal treatment. We cared a damn for it until last year.
    When they came over here for the vacation she played nasty games during my daughters first birthday party. However I did not let all these effect my relationship with cosis and we botth remain cordial.
    Even though MIL doesnt like cosis on few aspects she remains mum and is very soft and cordial with her
     
  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Hi @PurpleRoses,
    Yes. I stopped caring for things and managing home too to a larger extent. I did slavery for them for almost 7 years inspite of their nasty behavior hoping that things will get better. But it started getting worse. So much that MIL did not even extent her support during my medical treatment.
    And now I absolutely have no heart for them. I dont even feel like giving a glass of water too
     
  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

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    Hi @Goahead,
    I tried to remain a happy soul to my level best until recent times. What hit me this time, dh inspite of knowing all the drama that is happening, either keeps mum or defends his family and acts as if they have done nothing to me.
    I gave him clarity on few things which she does to me. He always starts off saying that I always think negative and its there in my head always. How can I think positive when only negative things are happening to me.
    I have hired domestic help at home and madam extends her complaints on me even to them. Not only that if my child falls sick, its either because of me or because of the care taker. Thats how she potrays even to her younger son.
    She complaints to BIL that I give spicy food to my child and hence she developed mouth ulcers. She said this even though the doc confirmed that its vitamin deficiency. Which mother on earth would feed such a small child with spicy food? My heart broke for the false propaganda she is making on me.
    SO all in all, one by one these incidents are leading to ubcontrollable anger and helplessness
     
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