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Suggestion Please - Sil Life Is Becoming Hell Because Of Her Ils

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Priya4oct, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Long post alert –

    Hi ladies,

    I never thought to post on this category but now I need your advice. This is related to my younger sister in law, who is a banker.


    About my SIL – She is youngest sister of my DH, a charming, enthuse girl. Works in a bank from last 3 years. Being her bhabhi (bro’s wife), I can say she is one of best SIL any one can think.
    Little dusky in feature , average looking but a smart girl (carry herself very nicely). She got married in 2015 (1.5 years now) to other banker (BM in one of centralized bank) through a matrimony site.

    She was in another city but got transferred to ILs city after 2 month of marriage. Guy visited her with his youngest sister to her work city to finalize on marriage.

    BIL is single son with two sisters. Younger one is elder than my SIL (now 30 yr) and not yet married (reason, she is not liking any guy. She wants rich family with no siblings, a very handsome etc)

    My BIL and his mother, sister is abusing my SIL very badly. We came to know this in 2 month before her 1st marriage anniversary (BIL called my DH all of sudden that your sister is not cooperating with my family, not cooking food etc take her with you. My DH called my SIL and asked her what is matter she told everything about abuse, which started immediately after her transfer. Still my DH said her its first year of marriage and misunderstanding is common between couples specially if you didn’t get any ‘we’ time. They didn’t go anywhere after marriage as his mother, sister didn’t approve. My SIL said ‘yes, I will try my best’. My DH didn’t tell her exact words used by BIL, even he told that I called him and he looked upset so that’s why I called you to check. This was 8 month back. Since their abuse is just increasing,. They want her to cook all three meals (if she leave office by 8:00 and come back by 8:00), do moping and broom, clean utensils , serve food to every one (her FIL dinner time is 11:00 pm). Her SIL who just started working, wake up at 8:00, go to office and come at 6:00 pm and start watching TV. She never help her, on top of that she abuse her for food taste. In last one year, my SIL got bladder stone and many health problem and her MIL blame her for that too. They never took her to Dr as well. Whenever she go to my PIL place or come to us we take her to Dr. Now problem is she got pregnant (it was not planned, even would say marital rape) and suffering with Malaria Typhoid with 1st trimester symptoms . We were expecting little humanity from them but instead they are expecting her to do all household chores as earlier. On Sunday, again whole family abused her with all bad words to her and family (specially me and my DH as I call her to MIL just to tell them to take care of her) for whole 2 hours. Even they told her that you family promised car blab la but they didn’t give, our home was a heaven and you made it hell (this is her SIL words), they say since she came from her parents home not doing any household living like queen (she came to our home for Rakhi). After a two hours of drama, all family went to MIL room and got locked. In early morning , BIL woke up, my SIL was preparing tea for him. He said loudly to her mother, I don’t want to see her face and if she wants to die, let her and left for the work city (recently got transferred). My SIL just prepared food and started to office , her SIL said why you are using bike given by my brother (BIL gifted her on birthday). This drama happened for second time (we came to know recently, my SIL didn’t tell to us as her SIL apologized after 2-3 days). Even this time she didn’t tell us it was a coincidence my MIL called her on Monday as routine and she broke down (she is not allowed to take our call from home.

    Now we are thinking for two options –
    1. Try for her long leave on medical ground and keep her with us . If her ILs don’t realize their mistake then divorce.
    2. Try for her transfer and get divorce and remarry.

    (abort baby, I know this is sin, but what if things doesn’t fall in place. If they are not showing any humanity in pregnancy they will not take care of kid as well)

    She is still thinking positive and every time say things will fall in place. But I know she is saying this to so that we do not worry.

    Ladies, please advise. We are very worried and scared that she may harm her in depression

    Ps We belong from a very narrow minded society where divorce is sin.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...just get her out of that hell .
    Get her some counseling .
    If she is suffering from Malaria,typhoid....she needs to be treated asap.
    Let the doctors know about the pregnancy.
    Pregnancy is an issue only she can decide.
    Op...most women who end up dead(in such situations) come from narrow minded societies where the divorce is a bigger sin than death . Please don't be that family that regrets latter.
    She is an educated working woman. Education should make a person stronger and confident to stand up for herself.Give her the strength to fight this. Be her support.If she knows her family is behind her ...she will be able to take difficult decisions.

    Have you people contacted any women's cell or at least a lawyer. I think you people should do that.
    Even if she thinks she wants to work on this...she needs to take the guy for family counseling , although here the whole family seems to be made up of monsters.

    As a first step...contact a lawyer to know her rights and what options she has.
     
    sindmani, bron, MalStrom and 5 others like this.
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Her husband and ILs sound horrendous.
    As I was going through you post the reply I formulated is exactly what YM had written above...

    Please bring her away NOW.
    Get a lawyer.

    There is no point asking them to compromise. These are not the kind of people who deserve a second chance.
    Show them you aren't going to take it.

    Do consider filing a police complaint about their abuse. I think your sil should.

    Your sil has to decide what to do with the child. It is a tough one. Hugs to her. Perhaps you could organise some counselling for her so she can make her mind up...
     
    bron, sindmani, MalStrom and 5 others like this.
  4. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks YM and Guesswho..My DH is going this weekend to her city and will bring her. Even I told him to go her bank directly and take her to her ILs place , ask her to pack every thing and come with him immediately. For me and DH, society doesn't matter much, it only my SIL. While writing above post I had full of tears so cant imaging how she must be feeling.

    As of now, our plan is to bring her to my place (not home town) for 1 month. We are also considering filing FIR (her FIL is also in police and unfortunately neither he is involved nor he asked them to stop). We just need to make my ILs mind for FIR and divorce. I just called my MIL and she said my SIL's MIL was also encouraging her son to hit my SIL. My SIL said think before raising hand on me else you will be in trouble and he stopped.
     
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  5. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @Priya4oct ,
    I am from the older generation ( a MIL with 2 DILs myself), and even so the first thing i could think on reading
    of your sister in laws situation, is just to ask her to get the hell out of that house - its not a home. Give her the confidence that you as a family will be there for her support. If it is only question of a jealous SIL causing the issue, she could have thought of moving into a nucleur set up with her husband. But as it is, her husband appears the bigger monster among all. Let her move out at least temporarily till she decides on her pregnancy etc.
     
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  6. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    @Priya4oct why wait till the weekend? Can't you go now? She is unwell. And pregnant. Plus the contents of your most recent post doesn't give me the confidence that she is safe there - physically, emotionally or psychologically - even for an hour.

    Why is her dad reluctant to get involved. He can put the feat of God in them...
     
    sindmani and Priya4oct like this.
  7. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Its not her dad..its her FIL. My DH just spoke to my FIL, her dad , he is also very angry and planning to visit them with my DH. I told this weekend as my DH is not well and have fever (viral) , expecting him to get well on this weekend.
     
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Op please rescue her as soon as possible.Also tell her to collect her belonging certificates before she leaves.
     
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  9. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Just spoke to my SIL and could feel her pain from voice. This was the first time in last 1.5 years of abuse, she said I am done with this relationship now. She doesn't want to continue with baby as well. I asked her to pack all belongings and not to tell anyone any thing. I even asked her to install a recording app in her cell and record their fight to use as evidence. She said I dont have any ray of hope in this relationship but want to put separation as last option (for society name sake) . I told her that this time is to take decision for you not for society and her family is with her. Yesterday evening again her MH (monster husband) came and abused her, said go file FIR if you want, i'll see your family. Her place is 15 hrs from my place and latest train is on Thursday. My DH just booked train ticket for Thursday and return on Friday.

    On another note, any one have idea if private sector bank HR helps in such cases specially for transfer. Her BM may not help us as they are in crunch of staff and heard he is not cooperative at all. We are also checking in parallel with our contacts.
     
  10. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    not sure about it.But she could tell hr and try atlist.
    OP her situation is critical.If you people are financially well off.Let her leave job and search another.With 3 year experience in bank she could another accounting job easily.
     
    sindmani likes this.

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