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Stuck In It Together

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hopeless4lyf, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    sorry to hear that.

    but i am very sure now, you are having some depression. you might be saying , no , but your posts shows otherwise. take some therapy for more clarity.
     
  2. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    I am and i am about tell his mom that because at one point she was worried about her son's wellbeing because he is here living with me and my family so he will go in depression. So I am about to tell her your sons actions have caused this in my life now
     
  3. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    My parent's have literally put up their hands if I decided to call this off. So way to blackmail me there. They know I am not going to leave them at this old age that too without havin anyone else to rely on so they have used this method now.
     
  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am going to tell you something that is a little different from what others said.

    Give him another chance not because of others. do it because you want to. Try it like a probation. And treat it like a courting period, ask what help he will need to stop his alcoholism and other things. the urge to stop has to come from him not others. It will not work otherwise. go on dates, and try to have some good time (It may sound impossible, but if he were to come clean, and you want to continue this relationship, you have to find love and intimacy, otherwise I don't think the relationship is going to work). After all you have been married only for a year. First two years of marriage is the hardest (Not my word, some statistics, but i have felt this with my marriage, my husband and I used to fight quite a bit in the first 6 months). If you want to save the relationship you both will have to put in some work at this point. It might take a lot of handwork and patience to turn it around. Think long and hard if there is hope. Then proceed with another chance for him. Otherwise, it will end up with another heart ache for you.

    Ask yourself, if he becomes clean with this chance, are you ready to take him, love him with all your heart? If so tell him that. If not, don't give him the chance. If you will not be happy ultimately, there is no need to go through all these. eventually, the relationship is going to turn bitter and it will be bad.

    People get divorced everywhere. Sometimes, it just will not work out. But life will go on. You might be stronger than you think. Important thing is to get help when you need it and it is okay.
     
  5. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    So I think your points are all valid and it makes complete sense to me. BUT I am not putting in any efforts now because he is showing no efforts to want to change. He told me and everyone else he smokes only on weekdays because he is home on weekends now and now I see him constantly making excuses every weekend to go run an errand alone and he does or doesn't take care of what he went out for but I know he is smoking now on weekends too. And I just have no respect, love or trust left for someone like him who himself doesn't have the willpower to change.
     
  6. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    See to put it frankly, you have 3 options -
    1) stay in this marriage for sake of society/parents etc etc - don't complain then about suffering as you are choosing this with eyes wide open.

    2) put efforts to change him (get him admitted to rehab or look for e-cigars and psychiatric counselling etc )

    3) if you feel disgusted n have no respect for him no love no feelings, better take a strong decision to end this marriage and live for your self.
    Yes, parents will blame, shout etc. But ultimately when they see their daughter be happy out if the marriage, they will know it was right decision.

    You cannot put one leg in one boat and other in another boat n expect some miracle solution.
    Please think well and take a decision and whatever decision you take, make your happiness your priority and be ready to face all challenges with the decision you take.
     
    Sunshine04 and SinghManisha like this.
  7. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Have you tried marriage/couples counseling?
    can you get professional/medical support to quit...?
    or get professional schedule to wean from smoking?
    I have heard from many friends that quitting cold turkey is hard...

    Is smoking one of the biggest cause of issues in your marriage?

    From personal experience, the biggest trigger for fights in my parents life was his addiction to smoking. The second biggest, was my mom's hatred to smoking. If she had accepted that as his weakness and tried to work with him, he might have quit.

    Not saying this applies to you. But, from my dad's point of view.. he couldn't just quit. he was addicted...
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
  8. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear that. You should tell him all that. Any kind of addiction is a serious health issue. Sometimes those people fail at getting rid of their addictions. They might need a lot of help. Since you are in the US, there might be lot of help available. If nothing works, and you feel like this relationship has become so toxic, then there is not point in suffering. Why waste both of your life stuck in this?
     
  9. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    I am already chosing option 3. Everyone knows it only thing is he has been given time to change as a formality.
    Also I have done all I can to get him support professionally but he won't take it because he says he knows people who tried it and it didn't work for them. I found this to be a ******** excuse because he didn't even try it himself once before coming to that conclusion.
     
  10. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    If you have already chosen #3, then why bother giving him time? you should move on and out immediately.
    life is short, and no point wasting time being miserable...
     
    Sunshine04 and Amulet like this.

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