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Stuck In It Together

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hopeless4lyf, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    i am not sure , i understood anything. May be it could be because of formatting of this site.

    pardon me, if my understanding is incorrect and ignore completely.
    if i understand you are trying to give him 1 more chance. then i am sorry to say, you have lot of self confidence / self esteem issue. you need therapy . the advise from all ILs is very true, because lot have been married longer than you and seen various cycles in relationships. people don't change till they face consequences.
     
  2. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    So while I agree that I wish my parents were on my side firmly I absolutely understand where they are coming from. They have seen days without food, both of my parents come from low income family but have good reputation. Also I am not much educated so I guess maybe they fear that if this falls apart what will my future be. But I have tried to tell them I took care of myself financially and general in all ways before he came into my life, they themselves I have never asked for a penny from them. So I am trying to get it to them to stop worrying about that. And as far as the hubby goes he has stayed in the US for the last 5 years, so not completely Indian (plus he himself acts like an American as the way he carries himself, its his thinking that is very Indian) .



    As an only child I don't have a choice but to give into my parents at least temporarily. Because if I don't I may loose somewhat of relationship I have with them and they don't really have anyone else to rely on.

    What is the x amount of time. How many months or years. 6-8 months
    Are you sure that he drink now? No idea.
    How long you been married.- lil over a year
    Do you love your husband. What about him? Is he a loving person other wise. - I have lost all the love I had and if you call him questioning and having to google everything I say or do as loving then sure :D (Pure sarcasm but it is reality)

    I wonder how one can tolerate the smell of a smoker and alcoholic. It will be horrible. Its tough to change one's habits beyond a limit. So I don't think he is going to quit everything for ever. - I cannot tolerate it that's the thing. i also know he won't change but according to my dad, "people change when they are about to lose everything" I doubt it. But technically the chance he is getting is from parents on both sides not really me.

    If your mum loves him so much ask her to adopt him why bring you into the equation? No freakin kidding
    Honestly forget my mom. It's my dad he is asking for this chance be given to him because I made the mistake of not knowing these things before marriage. As far as his status goes he very well knows I will literally call it off in the immigration office if needed or even call the govt but I do know this marriage was not done with that being the intention. He had many other proposals who came from much richer background and would've been able to provide same legal status to him.
    The only valid reason is I don't want to be held of guilt of not giving him chance. Basically I am suffering for the next 6-8 months to get out permanently

    I know my parents will crib and complain but I will have lot more to put up with if he is not given the time they asked for. Especially since this has been served as a last warning. Also I would leave the thought parents aside had I not been an only child to be looking after them. They are getting to an older age now where in next 5ish years they will need someone to depend on.
     
  3. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    No I am sorry this is disappointing but he has been given chance. It has nothing to do with my self confidence or esteem. I don't need him my life to make me happy, I know how do it myself. And I absolutely agree that people on ILs are more experienced hence why I am here. I guess safe to say if you read my other replies in this thread he has been given 6-8 months I guess safe to say I am trying to figure out how to get through this time. And technically he is facing consequences and chances are if things stay the way they are more will follow.

    After the last confrontation I have stopped talking to him unless it's about his health or lunch/dinner. Or something impacting both of us and it can't be taken care of without his involvement. I guess this is bothering the crap out of him. I remember he once said my silence kills him. So today he asked me how long I am going to be like this. And why I only go to the room to sleep ( we literally sleep a big gap in the middle). I replied him with the fact that he couldn't respect me to be honest or trustworthy therefore the foundation a relationship be on is already dead. Also the path he choose mattered to him so now I am choosing mine and if he doesn't like sorry about his luck I didn't like it when he chose his. I told him I was asked to give him a chance so I am doing so, without nagging him or questioning him. Because now it's the elders that took his responsibility of change not me. he also asked if everything is okay with me I said yep pain changed people and it changed me too. Went from being an outgoing bubbly person to quite and reserved. He HATED that, just thanked me for being honest. So if I didn't know any better this message may be conveyed to his mom and it will go as I can't keep living like this.
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    deleted...seemed like legal advice, that the OP ought to receive from elsewhere.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2019
  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    What are you worried about if you separate ? Don’t worry about people judging you for not giving him a chance. You have done your bit. Spending an entire life with an alcoholic is not fun in any way.

    You are a loner according to you. So chances are you will go back to being emotionally self sufficient ( watching movies alone , woohoo to that !!!).

    Please don’t prolong your pain. He needs to find someone that is ok with him being sloshed often and at odd times.
    You need someone that does not need alcohol to have fun but has a little more deeper and mature outlook towards life.

    Before a child comes into this equation, move on. Life is terribly unpredictable and we all deserve a chance at being happy. We also need not feel guilty or apologetic if we chose to prioritize our own happiness.
     
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  6. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    Do whats best for you. If the situation improves good for u else dont put urself in this situation for too long. Its not worth it. As for ur parents, appreciate ur concern for them but ur more important to urself than nybody in this world as its a question of ur survival and what makes u happy. Sending u lots of love ! Tc.
     
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  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    6-8 months, plus any divorce proceedings if it doesn’t work, seems like a year more of your life. Check if you can bring down the timeline.

    If everything turns out good, it will be great, but if it doesn’t, you still have to be ready.

    Only suggestion I can give you after all your replies, just don’t have a kid within this deciding time period. N confirm if he’s really serious about this marriage. N most importantly, if you are really into it.
     
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  8. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Has this guy got some degree of remorse?. Else its not worth giving him any chances for the sake of others, he will just take chances and use them against you.
     
  9. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    @Hopeless4lyf had revived the visa (legal stay) of the guy once by quickly marrying him before his employable visa expired. She will be required to do that once again when the 2 year conditional PR expires.
    [​IMG]Form I-751 (PDF, 550 KB)
    [​IMG]Instructions for Form I-751 (PDF, 253 KB)

    The new paperwork would be just as complex as the one before. The first time @Hopeless4lyf had that promise of thrill, nookie and happiness. But now the situation is rather complex. If she continues to sing the blues, and the thrill had gone from the marriage, and lets the time slide by, the PR visa would expire, and there'd be real blues for everyone involved.

    When the visa is about to expire, which of the following would have less hassles?
    • an ex-wife living in her own apartment a safe distance away, with ability to initiate restraining orders via the courts.
    • a current wife, and CPR visa sponsor, who lives at the same address, never mind how many words she exchanges with hubby each day.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2019
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  10. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    A child is and will always be out of the picture. As of right now I have gotten Birth control implanted. Plus there is no physicality between us. So That's just not going to happen. my life is pretty ruined I cannot afford to see a child's life be the same.
     
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