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Stuck In It Together

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Hopeless4lyf, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Hey,
    I did respond to you in another thread on this same issue.
    However I repeat this point for emphasis
    ' You cant work on someone who dosn't want to work on himself'
     
  2. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    this might be rude response and trust me it is not related to you.

    there is something seriously wrong with your parents. why. You are practically an American. You grew up in america, ate almost the same food, heard almost the same music, news and debates. hang out with almost the same people who thinks the same.

    Without even understanding each other your foolish parents, just played you.

    and forgetting all that your parents find a messed up boy from india whom you have never mind.

    there is a lot of difference between you and people from india. i just do not get it . i am in visa, my kids have been here more than 7 years. even though they do everything we do, but me and my h knows they are more american than we can be.

    my h loves tamil , tamil songs, rajni and vadivelu are his favorite. i love surya and illiayaraja my kids watch that but will never get it why we like it. we have decided if we get our citizenship, we will be helping our kids to find partners here or cananda.

    here you got married to a person from india whose view of society is completely different from yours. over that he had great habits like womanize, drink, smoke.

    you do not owe anyone anything. if your parents really love you, go ahead with your divorce. they will support.

    You do not realize how much power you have, so many Ils here suffer because they are in VISA, and have deal with thier stupid men , because they cannot work here neither they can go back and find work in india.

    Adult life is hard, but what is hard is tolerating abuse when you clearly know you can get out of it.
     
  3. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Finest Post Winner

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    I second Iavani, if ur parents are not supportive please dont give in to their demands. And yeah the age old priority of voys over girls still persist and the next loved and right person will be the hubby. So that wont change. Its ur call on giving him the chance. But I will still emphasize do what is in ur best interest. U only U can for Urself, nobody cares nobody will so make wise decisions. Tc
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    "His family said give him x amount of time to change, and after that if he pursues all this then come to us with proof then and we will talk. I told my parents and his parents next time I will literally sign the divorce papers. His sorry statement was "I promise I will never lie to you and I have to smoke some(x amount) to give it up completely....BUT I will give up drinking completely from now" . IDK if he drinks or not but he smokes more than the X amount he himself decided, is continuing to lie to me. ( he thinks I don't know but I do I just don't say it now)."

    What is the x amount of time. How many months or years. Are you sure that he drink now?
    How long you been married. Do you love your husband. What about him? Is he a loving person other wise.

    Even if you don't have plans to quit, consult attorney and understand your rights. If you feel that he is using you to get green card, take action to terminate it. No one should spoil one's life for personal benefit.

    If you are done with it, no need to think about anyone, dont waste your precious life for some one who dont deserve. Please dont bring a kids into this equation.

    Its not difficult to find whether he is lying or not . You can use Personal Breathalyzers for him.

    You are in USA, you can get out easily than one in India.

    I wonder how one can tolerate the smell of a smoker and alcoholic. It will be horrible. Its tough to change one's habits beyond a limit. So I don't think he is going to quit everything for ever. There are many good men who drink responsibly and treat their wives well. There are many teetotalers who abuse their wife. So we cannot generalize which is the best husband material . Ideally a teetotaler good husband may be a better choice, still it depends on one's preferences.

    Even if you give million chances, your in laws will blame you for sure for spoiling their son's life. If you leave, immediately they will find a desi wife for their 'american son'. Anyway its not your issue now.

    As you are an American you wont be able to understand it very well. In Indian standards a husband good in all aspects, taking care of home, wife etc are not blamed for smoking or drinking unless its severe situation. Abuse/ cheating/ema/severe additions' etc..are only considered as a reason to separate. Women is expected to adjust with everything. So his parents wont able to understand you. I blame your parents for pushing you into this marriage. Its not a wife's job to babysit or change husbands bad habits. If he want this marriage to work , he has to work on it. Past is done, we cannot change it. Think about your future. Ask yourself , take your own time to decide. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2019
    SinghManisha and lavani like this.
  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    If your mum loves him so much ask her to adopt him why bring you into the equation?

    If you think you are being played by everyone ( inc your parents)for their own narcissistic alter egos, then leave already for your own good. You have no noble responsibility to provide resident statuses to any one nor you should be treated like a ' fast track green card route', its an insult.
    Is there a valid reason why you still staying in all this?
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2019
    Sunshine04 and SinghManisha like this.
  6. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You do not have to prove to anyone other than yourself that he is unfit, unworthy and undeserving of any more chances.
    Are you convinced yourself? If you are then just like no amount of time will convince you. Cut your losses today and get out.
    Your parents will crib and complain for a period of time and then they are your parents. They will get over it. Don’t stay on account of your parents. Not every parent is onboard with all life decisions children make. You are allowed to decide for yourself despite your parents misgivings. They will eventually come around.
    Forget the chances and promises to his family. Put yourself ahead of all those promises. You matter more than arbitrary promises to others.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  7. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    That was exactly my point to his parents nd my parents, that trust is ought to be the base of any relationship and he has broken trust multiple times and that too about multiple things. I remember when we initially met and all we discussed past relationship and all. I didn't have any serious relationship other than I liked a guy but never dated. He said he was in a serious relationship with a girl for 5 years and she basically dumped him because of he wasn't earning much. I totally understood that it's hard to find a job without a proper legal status so I was like that's not nice so I supported him. And he said he didn't have anything else. Than later as our issues started coming I found out from talks in his family that she basically dumped him for the reason he told me as well as these habits. Then as months went by after being married more layers started coming out.
    1 day when watching tv, notices an actress says she is worthy of sleeping with.
    than another time he mentioned about how he was a playboy and had to manage multiple girls ( in terms of talking to all of them at the same time)
    Then when we went to India together before our hindu wedding, week before he is literally driving me around the areas where all the girls dorms were and said this was his hangout place waiting for girls.

    So there as a lot I started finding out after I got married so I am like that plus constant trust being broken is never gonna help this relationship

    do you like him? Not anymore
    do you trust him? I doubt I ever will now
    Do you want to make things work? I have no energy left.



    And another thing... we are often afraid of being seen as the bad guy or the one unable to “adjust”. - that is true however if/when this divorce does happen, that will be the last of my concern. Because no one else had to come and live my life. My parents views might matter a bit but everyone else not much.
     
  8. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    The smoking and drinking (general nihilistic (self-destructive) behavior.....) is pretty much always due to the blues that people feel.- agreed but if someone wwants to get out of the zone, they will accept the help being offered to them.




    *I suspect that: This thought came to me because of your decision to co-mingle your bank accounts. This manner of co-mingling of assets, such as bank-accounts, joint home-lease contracts, or utility bills, is usually considered documentary proof of the bonafides of a genuine marriage, based upon which certain immigration benefits had been granted- so this is actually my choice of wanting the bank accounts as is. He never wanted them combined. I did but then when we did combine them and I saw where he was spending his money I decided to take out my money and open a separate account. I gave him access to it just not being able to use it.
     
  9. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    Is his family buying time because of the citizenship / visa ?- I have a feeling yes at least for 10% of it.
    How long have you been married ? - Over a year
    He has his conditional GC
    No kids thank god.
    N ofcourse there’s the other half that really does want to change n does whatever it takes to stop. - This was something I brought up to his family that I was very supportive of him medically if he wanted to quit. but he flat out turned it down sayin I know people who tried it and it didn't work for them. I took that as no intention of wanting to quit.

    You have already given so many chances, maybe as a last resort, set a 2-3 months or so timeline- I think based on parents we are on a 6-8 months time frame and if he cannot give up his habits we are done.

    as far as divorce lawyer almost unnecessary because we have no properties/assets. and I am giving him the time because I don't want to be burdened with the guilt, otherwise I already know the outcome.
     
  10. Hopeless4lyf

    Hopeless4lyf Senior IL'ite

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    I don't care for wanting alimony and hell no why would I pay it ? he is the one who kept screwing up. As far as visa issue. He still has more than a year of his conditional GC, and then we have to go back together. So if I don't show at that time he won't get his permanent GC unless he proves a strong case, which honestly I don't even care of.


    I wonder if your spouse married you for Visa status. - I think almost all people have that thought for at least 10% of the time. So I am sure yes but I don't think that was the biggest reason, We don't have any joint assets so that won't matter.
     

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