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Stuck And Have To Learn To Stand Up For Myself, Please Help..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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  2. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Hello ladies.
    I'm out of the vortex of the storm, atleast for a few months.
    H has done a complete u-turn, behaving very much amicable - I can live with him kinda.

    I am redefining my responses with him/them.
    I am keeping to myself, trying to focus on me.

    When H is nice, I respond back. And now we have a steady banter going. But this was how it was last year too.. once they come, he is going to ignore me again over perceived slights and in his eagerness to put his parents first. This is not really going to go anywhere, so the only thing I am telling myself now is that this is not reliable (so I don't get hurt).

    I am trying to be assertive in my needs. Oh, this is tough.
    And now, H is being nice - telling me to prepare his lunchbox previous night itself so I can study etc and make super simple meals.. I am forcing myself to accept it gracefully, instead of getting heckled (and refusing) that they think I can't handle and they are basically just patting themselves on their backs that they are oh so nice (both true, but why bother about it as long as it serves MY purpose!) ..

    And now, the problem is, at least temporarily, my real problems that happened after I got married - separation from family and friends (and not being able to be there for them) and career/financial. working on these.

    I am struggling currently with time management - I have to cook, want to have a cleaning schedule, and study for 6 hours every day besides taking care of LO. I've convinced H to make LO go full time for daycare so I can study.. but that's only after a few more days..

    This thread may become inactive awhile as my assertiveness issues are kind of on the back burner now, with H behaving nice and ILs temporarily out of the picture.. no more everyday drama, phew!
    Will be working on all the advice I got, so I will be prepared for the next time over.. and I still want to be prepared to stay back in India next time I get a chance, if need be..(though it feels weird to think about that in the current scenario - but I must remember that it's all 'seasonal').
     
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  3. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    A little vent.. don't know if I should start a new thread in the same forum, hope its okay..

    I am missing my family sorely. Parents and some close relations who are really old.. I keep feeling I will regret staying back here if I am just going to be able to visit my parents once a year for a week or two max for another what, 5-7 years? 10 if I am lucky? Its not about the total time, its about frequency, being there for them, emotional support, just caring for them... I know I know, I should just go back, right? H is putting roots here. He had admitted last year he is not moving back for 5 years or so, and that he hasn't thought of things beyond that. I feel he wont move.
    I know, being his spouse, this being such a major decision, I should have an equal say, and he cannot decide this...

    This has been longstanding point of contention between us. I never wanted to settle in US, and went through a lot of pain as I slowly realised (wasn't told) that H has no plans of going back..Even last year I touched this aspect, but him and my family were all like get started with a life in US, and lets see where things go, don't make a big decision like that..

    I don't know why I just went along. Confused and carried away by too many things happening I guess.

    To H it seems like I agreed - I am trying to prepare for job, I'm asking for ead, getting DL..
    And yet...
    I can't answer if this what I really want.
    Because I don't. And he wont come back to India. so what now. Should I fight? Leave him and go back? Huh... Confused.

    Need some clarity. I know nobody can tell me what to do.. I am trying to probe myself and get in touch with my true self - and in this case, how to proceed.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Beyond a vague longing for being there for parents and old relatives, do you have any concrete ideas for your future and your family's future? What would you like to do or what savings would you like to have 10-15 years from now? If you have some clarity around this, you can discuss with husband. If it is only a general longing, don't bring it up.

    Your other issues aside, being the primary earner, he will have a bigger say.
     
  5. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry butting in but this has happened with me too. In my case, before marriage,the boy or boy' s side said that for now he is going to be there but they can always come back if there is any issue or a problem in the future. The woman is then asked to start working on a career abroad. The motive of the H1B holder seems to be GC and that can take a minimum of 10 years upwards.'A problem / issue in the future ' is mostly an untimely lay-off which might force the family move back . But the emotional needs of the woman ( and also the fact that she might take 3- 4 years to have a settled career abroad) is never a consideration . There are certain fields of education like medical which require additional / further education in the US, having an EAD is not sufficient .And the whole process of gaining admission in a medical US school is an ordeal in itself. It is unfair to the woman who is reduced to a house wife but the man won't budge from the US unless his own career is at stake.So ,whatever discussed before the marriage is usually thrown to the dogs and the woman has to stay back. I'd that us , women really need to think about this fact before marrying a guy who works abroad ,US specifically.Coz the chances of moving back home aren't great.I know that I didn't think about this hard enough and it will always be a regret.
     
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  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Do you have any siblings ? Who is taking of your parents now. Have you talked the same to your parents ? what is their opinion.

    Unless you don't have plans to go and live with your parents or nearby, shifting to India wont help much. Suppose you are going to move to another city, even PILS house or some other house, will you be there for parents all the time. The only contact will be through phone, which you can do from here too. Many women after marriage needs permission even to visit there own parents in India.

    Siblings will have their own family life and also friends, their priorities change. If your parents are living with your sibling and family, you will not get the same freedom , you used to have before. The equations change. So whatever we visualize or experienced before marriage is not the same after marriage. Even if we have not changed bit, we need to accept that everything changed. It will never be the same. I know many people who don't even visit there parent even for once per year even though they stay in India, but in another state.

    Suppose your parents are not there, What will be your plans. Will you go back to India to be with your relatives. The value you get now once you visit them, wont be there when you start living there. Everyone move on with there life and will be least bothered about you.

    One way to overcome this emptiness is be in contact with relatives/friends/family, call them once in a while. Call parents often, or through video chat. you can provide emotional support. You can go home anytime you want to. Its not that difficult like before. Once you are financially independent you don't have to depend on your H for money.

    Ask yourself your strong reasons other than parents to be India. Are you going to live with PILS or parents once you are in India. If cannot tolerate your PILS for six months, will you be able to manage when you live with them. The frequency of their visits keep on increasing I believe.

    What about
    -your future, job, finance?
    -your kids education and their future?
    -your life and comfort levels?
    -strong motives other than parents
    -Are you ready to face other problems once face daily in India?
    -Will it be easy for your H and you to find job in the same city.

    What is your short, mid term and long term plans for life. How you visualize it.

    Write down all the pluses and minus, that may give some idea.

    OP, many NRIs face this dilemma because everyone miss their family/ friends and colors of Indian life. If you are living in an isolated place in USA,with no social life, you suffer a lot. Making lot of friends and having a life of your own will help. Once we decide to stay,completely accept that situation, else it will keep on haunting us. I know many women here who don't want to go back because they don't want to live with their PILs and also they like to enjoy the freedom here. It all depends on one's priority. Ask yourself about your priorities, you get an answer.

    similar discussions here
    Return to India
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2019
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    what are you preparing for ? why it is hard for you to spend 6 hours every day studying ?
    Focus on future. Your mind is tricking you to missing parents and nice husband. Don't fall prey. If you need power in your household you need a job. Don't waste time
     
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  8. Independentgal

    Independentgal Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Are you still chanting this mantra,How is it working for you?
    I am in lot of problem. I don't know how to find a solution to any of them?
    I am checking if this Mantra might show me some direction to married life.



     

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