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Stuck And Have To Learn To Stand Up For Myself, Please Help..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello mindvoice,

    Your case is quite unusual. I read the thread and all your replies and what is clear is that

    1. There seems a substantial power/status differential between you and your h/his family.
    2. You seem to feel you are required to obey, be subservient, and cook and clean in return for his paying the bills.
    It seems almost like you regard it as a contract.

    This power differential appears to be quite large and something you appear to be unable to bridge on your own. Even when your family enters the picture they can only politely request on your behalf and not really force the issue. So this is not social conditioning alone it seems to me. Was there some sort of agreement at the time of your marriage? I have heard of some expat families who will go all the way back to native village for their son's bride because they want an obedient, pure, sanskaari kind of bahu who is not infected with all the poisonous modern ideas that most of the city girls are prone to, one who knows her place and will do all the work and be grateful to do it...blah blah. Is yours that kind of situation? Did you obey your parents and marry this man because you were told this is beyond your good fortune to get a match like this almost a miracle and now few years into this miracle life you are sick and tired and fed up of it and want to break out but dont know how? If so please clarify so we can offer you the right kind of advice.

    The reason I ask is because - You have recd nearly 50 replies of the other kind of advice (where folks have assumed this is the normal kind of marital adjustment problem and offered their suggestions) and obviously you have not found ANY of it helpful.

    PS: And OP, if I am wrong, I am wrong. You can just tell me so. No need to bash me or call me names. It was just a speculative question intended to help you find a solution, not to pry and poke into your personal affairs. I wish you well and hope you find peace soon.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
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  2. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    @Rakhii hmmmmmmm. you're right. One step forward..

    @shravs3 I don't get it either. Would love to have an opportunity to go back to India with LO and stay awhile.. Won't happen.

    :nut: That was a good kick in the you-know-what.
    The rational part of me gets all this. Even gets pissed with myself. I am trying this and that to buck my emotional part which insists on being reactive and irrational, fearing and bowing and trembling when there is no need to, weakening every bold response/retaliation my sensible self propels me towards. As I am unable to go to a therapist to help me figure myself out, and am in desperation (as is obvious by my frequent posts)...I turn to you all here at IL...literally one of the last straws of sanity I'm clutching on to.
    I understand a lot of people reading these might shake their heads at all this 'drama' by 'my refusal to take a stand'.. but this thread here is about me trying to surmount something that's my handicap currently. And every tiny step, every little bit of improvement is because of a lot of kind folk's thoughts/advices/wishes n prayers... that pushes me on. So I get your frustration at my behaviour, and the apparent non-helpfulness of the 50+ posts.. but the welding is going on, even if slow... and every reply makes a big difference to the lonely and confused me..
    Oh, I am not offended! Frankly, I'm glad you said this - I myself have wondered what I was doing by continuing to post/crib-n-cry when it was clear what I needed to do... and I realised that this here is my vent/space cum support network... so future readers be forewarned! ;)
     
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  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    @MindVoice There should be no stigma associated with two adults separating because they do not get along. You are in an extremely abusive marriage where you have been forced to be weak/ dependent financially , emotionally , physically and mentally . As an outsider this marriage is beyond adjusting and working. What redeeming qualities do you see in your spouse ? Please let us know if there are any. From your posts I fail to see any. Sorry if I sound harsh.

    Definitely vent here. We are listening.
     
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  4. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    @MindVoice, I can see your inner turbulence...Please come here to vent but also remember each of the responses you have received from these wonderful members here in IL can be a game changer of your life only if you want to believe in it!
    You might get gravitated to think about getting empowered suddenly and divorce the guy in picture and yes it does give a temporary relief but you will be back to square one when the source of inspiration is gone..So the only option you have is to make yourself stronger every passing day so that you can hold the bull by its horns when the right time comes without thinking about the afternaths! Have you ever watched ' The Shawshank Redemption'? Remember this dialogue "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". So hope with all your energy that you will transform to sustain and start taking baby steps if you dont want your life to be the same for the next 30-40 years!!

    If i were in your situation I will first take a paper and pen and note down all the advises written here point wise and keep rereading it till it gets etched in my mind as a first step...

    Then I will implement it one at a time..Most important is consistency and discipline with a never say die attitude

    I will search for a job how much ever trivial it might be to get out of the house and get some fresh air..

    Watch some good movies that would help you introspect and make you realize that we are nothing in the vast expanse of the universe...like the theory of everything, interstellar, the pursuit of happyness, the shawshank redemption, the karate kid, kungfu panda series, mulan, inception, 2012, the day after tomorrow, gravity etc etc..an extensive list I have! which i watch again and again when depressed...

    I understand its too draining to stay with this clan but you have to fight out all the odds for peace..So believe in yourself!
     
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  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Not frustrated at all! merely puzzled as to why you feel the above? Which is not normal. These ^^^^emotions would come when we think of breaking some taboo or strictly forbidden thing. So why is your mind setting it up like that?
    You and your family behave as if you are all beholden to your husband- why?
    He has power to veto even your father’s request? Why?
    He alone decides how long you can stay with your parents? Why?
    How come he has so much power?
    Why are you all not just you but your entire family so deferential to his whims?
    OP, You are in the situation and unaware perhaps or used to it but this is not normal.

    As to your reaction maybe you are using this thread just to vent and that is fine. Venting helps temporarily but it will not change your situation or solve the issue.
    But if your inaction is because you fear or want to avoid taking the more drastic actions advocated in the other replies, if you just want your h to change magically painlessly overnight without any effort on your part, if you are seeking more and more answers because you feel surely there must be, has to be a simpler, more painless way to get to where I want to be well sorry there isn’t. There just isn’t any other way except for you screwing up your courage and confronting the issue (which we still don’t know what it is! ) head on.
    Good luck! Hope you are able to get some peace.
     
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  6. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    great advice, will do this.

    @1Sandhya You make me think.. I don't really have an answer, it seems to come back to the same thing - my fear and inability to deal with their reactions. And yes, the solutions to that have already been mentioned, I need to implement..
    Very true - venting is not action, and action is what can bring about a change. And thank you for saying this out loud to me - somewhere some part of me is guilty of doing this... some weird kind of wishful thinking, for something 'magical' to happen without much pain on my part LOL there is no way out right..

    The in-laws have left. A week before Christmas. I have breathed, cried, and tried to become more sane. Unfortunately, was so walloped that I didn't have the energy to give back the silent treatment to husband. I did not engage but did not refuse to respond either. He was angry distant and then over this time has intentionally thawed and is trying to be nice. While I am not fighting with him over his behaviour yet again (most would feel I should have, but I neither had the energy, nor did believe it will be of any use - I wanted to keep my calm and move on with my goal of taking care of myself <such a hard thing> and study-prepare for getting a job) I am disenchanted with his actions. So much pain to even come here - and I need to go further, to get completely detached.
    In between had a couple of breakdowns sobs (out of frustration at my life) and very recently, a major argument - no closure, nothing resolved really just broke open when he got angry/blamed me unnecessarily. I couldn't talk to him about all the things - I felt there was no use, he was just going to ask me, and then what? Nothing was really going to change, anyhow his better behaviour will last at max another 5-6 months. I didn't see the point of another bare-my-heart-and-get-blamed session. So I let the fight be. But he does not want to keep the fight on..and acts conciliatory... I respond casually...and walk around feeling like a zombie.. lost, unable to understand what really I am doing.

    I have been trying to find out about my options, looks like I don't really have anything...
    I am feeling scared over my career related countdown timer, and that is crucial for everything else...and I feel so hopeless (Need time, LO care = no time)

    There were questions I meant to ask... got all jumbled though in the update.
    Anyway. The thing still is to make myself strong, and work on focussing on myself, and detach completely.
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    You said there is no physical abuse. That's a good thing. So they are not going to physically harm you. Use it to your advantage.

    First step. Say NO whenever you want to say so. Never say yes, if your mind says No.

    Second step, if he make plans without discussing with you or informing you in advance, dont join. Tell you cannot join as he didn't treat you as wife or inform you in advance, you cannot. If he wants he can take kid with him. Tell him you dont want to be treated like a doormat.

    Stick with this plan. Do it consistently. Be a fighter dont allow anyone to treat you bad. Let him get idea that you can take bold steps. Most of the time, women just go with the flow to avoid conflicts. But people take it for granted.

    But dont argue or cry or fight. Remain in silent mode once your decision is conveyed. To create a wall around you chant sona mathra or count numbers etc

    But whatever you have mentioned come under emotional abuse. So be smart. Use him . Do you have driving license? Is there any chance to get GC. Any chance for EAD?

    Keep on exploring . But I have to be honest. Unless you learn to stand for yourself anyone can treat you this way. You need to cultivate a fearless fighter attitude. It doesn't mean to treat others without respect. It helps to stand up for oneself, talk for you in a firm way. You can do it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Mindvoice,

    My heart goes out to you. You are clearly unhappy and struggling but sorry to say not sure what exactly is the issue that is causing unhappiness. Unless you state we cannot offer suggestions. If there are more than one then state in order of importance. This forum has lot of resources but you have to state clearly what is the issue. So far as a result of two threads we have come to know you are very scared of them. Why we don’t know. I even went out on a limb and asked about a speculative scenario but you ruled out that scenario. Ok good and glad you didn’t get offended but you did not elucidate there either unfortunately merely went on about needing courage. We only know what it is not. that it is not physical abuse - good.

    Thing is if you post saying in general I am unhappy, I am scared, people will say ok, leave him, walk out, get a job. But that is not an option you have realized at least not in the short term. So. If you could be more specific and pick one issue and tell us about it it would help a lot in terms of giving you suggestions.
     
  9. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    This. Yes.
    Have told H to apply for ead. He has agreed.

    @1Sandhya your reply puzzles me... I thought I had described in (too much) detail about the various issues.

    The situation - dependent without any independence/freedom and responsibilities of a young child
    H - fluctuating relationship, parent-worshipping to the point of excluding me, silent treatment, lack of communication, self-centred... etc
    In-laws - 'act' nice, self centred, can be bossy... too involved, (naturally) partial to their children n grandchildren.. etc
    (etc because the list goes on)
    You all know all the details..the dramas..

    My situation, my H, and my IL notwithstanding, my contribution to my misery is my (current) lack of assertiveness, people pleasing tendency, and being emotional/reactive and then get depressed.

    And after all the venting, it has basically boiled down to:
    1. Become independent - financially, and emotionally.
    2. Be assertive.
    3. Take care of yourself. ie Put yourself first.

    Specifically, the chief reason why I share the minutae of events n feelings is to primarily address this lack of assertiveness, and stand up for myself. I have not been a doormat previously, though I always tended to be a people pleaser, but managed to do it without sacrificing my dignity. But here is a situation I am not able to walk away from - people who don't care for me nor respect me (but disguise it well or turn it around on me), yet I have to be here because I want to be with my LO.
    So I'm trying to learn my lessons here and become assertive, set boundaries - and I am so confused in this regard that I describe everything to you all and ask how I should respond, so I may learn what is okay and what is not and whether my thoughts are too idealistic.
    A perpetual confusion is where to draw the line, and what to let go.

    I also need to learn to put myself first. I am awful at that. Sometimes even just lazy.

    I struggle with my role as a homemaker - the expectations, others and my own (a kind of perfectionism/idealism) and the need to diligently prepare to get my career back - and the clock is ticking on this one now.
    This one point is a tender spot, and a very basic reason for a lot of my confusions - what is okay and what is not okay to do, esp. in the setting of H&IL who don't really give a damn about you and are only socially 'dutiful'. What is the dutiful dil/wife supposed to do? I am clueless.
    I also struggle with practical aspects of doing them all - childcare, household care, self care - something so many women manage beautifully. It requires a lot of discipline, and no laziness. :-(
    And then get frustrated when I end up not having done anything - neither the job prep nor the cooking nor cleaning nor childcare - because I feel insecure about my situation, not able to prepare for my job req bcoz of this housework and can't bear the thought of staying in the presence of my in-laws again (and get the life/breathing space choked out of me) in a few months. (Hmmm now I see, vicious cycle. Emotional and reactive again.)
    I must confess to thinking if I were alone/went off to India I wouldn't have to worry about household care (can get help) and childcare (LO will go to school/have a longer childcare setup) and I can get my job quickly and become a little more secure.. (But I am not alone, nor can I go to India unless I walk out.) This makes me all the more angry for being in this relationship. And yet I am the one who is sticking on. Should I make a scene and walk out and fight to go back to India for the sake of job prep? I don't know if it will work..I don't know what to do..

    Sorry, @1Sandhya I think I have gone off on an introspective tangent here.. :facepalm:
     
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  10. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear,
    You analysed your situations and options very very well. Infact, I think in your mind you know what should you do to regain your sanity but just don't have the courage to take the leap...Maybe because of the reasons like ,in a conventional sense your husband is a good man like providing enough for the family,not cheating,no other bad habits... But his behaviour when his parents are around, all of them together isolating you, subtly putting you in a vulnerable situation without any defense... Dear,only the person who went through these stuff can understand the depth of it. Still you managed to put a clear picture here for us to understand. I don't have any solutions for you. But just wanted to say you are doing a good job without being over reactive or over emotional about your situations and analysing it over and over. I hope you find your answers and support system soon. Wish you the very best..
     

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