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Stuck And Have To Learn To Stand Up For Myself, Please Help..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Ask your mil, husband the intent of their behaviour. When they return “ Can’t you tell me your plans. Shouldn’t I be included in the discussion. I am your wife.”. Tell this infront of your inlaws. Holding grudge won’t help at all. Ask straight else distance from him. If you want to live with him, ask straight. Else separate and enjoy your independence.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2018
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry for your situation op.
    Abusers abuse the ones who are willing to take the abuse willingly.....stay quiet and stew in the juices instead of screaming .

    Why did you not scream the first time they excluded you from shopping ?
    Why did you not raise the question if you are the wife or not?
    Why did you not ask your husband what is your place in that house?

    Why are you in their life ?

    Will you be better with alimony and child support?Better to a single parent than be treated like a neglected domestic animal who is thrown a few crumbs once in a while just to keep it alive .

    Sorry for the harsh words op....but you should think about your self esteem . How is raising your voice and fighting this behavior going to make your life any worse ?They treat you like crap any ways .
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2018
  3. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Here is a point you missed. You must have set some ground rules before your in laws came to home. How you & your h will work as a team in front of your in laws. (As you feel he changes in front of them)
    For example every day evening you ,h & baby on stroller will go for a walk. So you can express your feeling openly to him & no need to wait until midnight to talk. You guys could plan the upcoming events etc. Everyday at lunch time he will give you a call just for a minutes but as a supportive gesture.

    How long your in laws are going to stay? Do you think you can imply from now on?

    I know it is hard when you are having a control freak inlaws and inconsiderate h but you need to take the control of your life. You need to train yourself to be strong and get things in your way. it's your life & you can do it. Make sure things get in your way in few months(set a time line) else get out of marriage. Don't dwell in mud forever.
     
    MindVoice likes this.
  4. Twofeathers

    Twofeathers Bronze IL'ite

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    MindVoice - I am so sorry for what you are going through.... I understand people are different. But the way they treat is you too much. The nerve..the gall they have to get their son married to a girl, bring her in as daughter-in-law and then treat her as an object and the fact that your husband is party to this is even more humiliating. Please take the bull by the horns. From what I am hearing, the only person who deserves your love in the house is your baby. Turn around and become a kaali. Give them hell for the way they are treating you. Confront them in the living room when they are all there. Ask your husband loud and clear - 'Where did you guys go? How come I am a grown living being in this house, I am your wife - why am I not a part of this, or even invited or even informed? What is going on?'. You have to call them out on this outrageous behavior. What is the worst that is going to happen. They are already treating you so terribly - like a cook, like a babysitter, like a maid...anything but a wife, a daughter in law, mother of their grandchild!! Wow!! If he hates you so much he should leave. You did nothing wrong. So demand to understand why he is treating you like this. In the living room, remind him of the promises he made in India to bring you back here. Status quo is not going to get you their approval, it looks like it is not even they do not even want to acknowledge you. Shatter this pretense of theirs and take a stand for you, for your self-respect. Your asking for what every woman gets in a marriage. This married life is "your" married life and this is your home, You are the wife. The money made is yours in this marriage till your divorce. Claim ownership of what is yours and demand your place. People like your husband and in-laws do not seem to be people that think honorably...so demand honor...yours. They would be rattled to the core and run scurrying to their corners...or you will face your husbands wrath , and the latter is good too, better than avoidance...get him to tell what did you do to be excluded like this, to be discarded. If this is your role here, and if this is what this married life has to offer, tell him that you'd rather go to India. Of course you must be ok with the latter. But something about when you get to a point where you are not afraid and you are ready to face any consequence than deal with what they serve up, it scares the ….. out of them and they come around so fast.

    My entire response is based on what I would do and what choice I will be okay with. Please gauge your feelings against this. But I wanted to weigh in along with others.
     
    shravs3, MindVoice and SinghManisha like this.
  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I read your posts and often wonder why you would put up with any of it. I know it is easy for me to say but I should say it. They treat you shabbily because you let them treat you this way. You are providing them with the ammunition to engage in this passive aggressive war with you. From your posts you seem to be someone that is educated, reasonable , communicative etc. then why ?
    Your LO will not be little for long. They will soon sense the tense unhappy atmosphere at home along with the realization that mother is and can be disrespected. As a mother you deserve more respect .
    Your husband is lucky to get away with behavior like this. Most women in today’s times would kick his behind and straighten him out or simply dump him. Their treatment of you is not normal in anyway. I hope and pray for you that you find all the strength .




     
    MindVoice likes this.
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I missed this reply. OP, Be optimistic. Start fresh.
    I think they are behaving this way because they think its ok with you. You allowed them many times to treat you this way. You never protested. So they are taking you for granted believing that you are ok with whatever they do. You are allowing them to treat you like a doormat. Sorry.In these cases you mentioned above they may be thinking that they are not disturbing you or kid for their shopping or allowing you relax in home. They may have their own excuses.

    We in IL know that you are not OK with it. Did you tell them about it. Did you protest?

    Its high time you understand yourself. Find the boundaries you are comfortable. If anyone, dh or MIL or anyone cross your boundary of self respect or comfort level , STOP them right there. You need to tell them (see the above post by other ladies on how) very clearly that you are not OK with it. They need to respect you and your presence.

    You dont need to worry about what will they think Or will you loose your good image. etc.. But learn how to talk in a very calm, composed or firm and strong way what you want to convey. Let them know your protest. If you cant be calm now, thats also fine. I suggest it because people will notice only the angry face/sound not the message. But open your mouth, and let them know you are not OK with this kind of behavior. They should at least have the courtesy to let you know as a family member when they go out side or plan something. If they did not inform you, or discuss with you in advance don't go if they ask you to go with them. If they make some face or create some scene, completely ignore it. .Just have the guts to believe in yourself and create an I don't care attitude to these kind of nonsense.

    You need to love and respect yourself, only then others will do the same. Know your rights as a human being , wife or mother, stand and fight for it. If your mind says NO, say NO. Dont make it YES for others. Be courageous and strong. When you talk, look at their eyes and face, be confident and talk. No one is going to come and help you there. You need to stand up for yourself.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2018
    sindmani and MindVoice like this.
  7. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for your replies. There is so much I want to say.. will try to say as much as possible within my time constraints...

    The anger expressed by you all gives some kind of solace and faith. I have been second guessing myself, sometimes wondering if I am really creating issues out of nothing or whether they are genuine things to be upset about... being in this mess so long has made me unsure about myself.

    It is not like I took it lying down. I did walk away, show my displeasure, did not talk etc.
    They don't care what I do. Simply, they don't give a damn about me.
    I know this.
    Why didn't I create a ruckus? Because:
    *They walk out when I even start speaking - my husband will not pay heed, and the ILs will turn it around on me saying I want to fight.
    *They will definitely turn it on me. And make that a reason to further ill treat me.
    *Even if I raise it - calmly or angrily - in front of them...they will deny it, blame me, justify their behavior - I can tell you so many excuses they would say - or simply refuse to acknowledge what I'm trying to say. What is the point? What can I DO?
    The problem is words have become useless. I need to respond with consequences. I don't know what consequence to give, because I am the one who is dependent on them for everything!

    And while this specific incident is a first, the other forms of similar exclusion is not a first, and I have talked, communicated, bawled - all to no avail.

    .....will continue
     
  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Continuing..
    When I type this, it becomes obvious how far along things have gone. There is no point in this relationship anymore. It is idiotic to expect someone who has been treating you with utter disregard to start caring for you hereafter - I have given enough serious reasons for him to make a lasting effort, not I-will-start-changing-but-go-back-to-my-old-self-disregarding-you-everytime-my-parents-come.
    I know this.

    My situation however is such that I cannot leave immediately. I think.
    I know nothing of the what-nexts.
    I am trying to find a window of opportunity.
    And keep my sanity and self-respect until then.
    Yes, I must be strong, ignore them and don't give a damn about them. My difficulty is in actually implementing it.

    It is scary. I need to create some wiggle space for myself even in this situation so as to even get an idea of my options..
    Troubled, worried, confused... really scared yes, esp. for LO's emotional makeup in future(stigma etc)... Lots of things going through my mind.
    Would be wonderful to get some respite to think about all these big things carefully... but the nose is kept to the grindstone.. Having escapist dreams, just want to drop it all however it is and run away back to India.. but this about more than my life alone...
    In fact, every time there is some abatement of mistreatment - not necessarily nice treatment! - I start wondering if I could not 'deal' with things in a better/different way so that LO gets to avoid the stigma(if I go back to India) and the emotional upheavals of having two separate homes..
    But, while my concerns about LO still persist, I am starting to think that there is no 'better' or 'alternate' way to handle this... because the only response they will take from me is obedience/subservience ... and the thought has been presented to me that the only thing to do is detach and get out...and that makes sense.
    Now to do it... God help.
     
  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    hun, you first detach and then see what happens. Dont make a decision about leaving. Just one step at a time.
    They all know that they want (nned ) you and your LO in their lives. Detach first and then see.
     
    MindVoice likes this.
  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I can understand how you are feeling right now.
    I really don’t get, why some men treat wive’s so badly. They want wife to do each and every chores but never care for any of her feelings.
    Don’t know if it’s possible for you to go back to India for few months and then decide what to do.
     
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