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Stuck And Have To Learn To Stand Up For Myself, Please Help..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I can only tell you what I would do if I had a spouse like yours. Not put up with any of it. Not go for the social engagement. Not bother asking him what’s wrong . Ignore him even when he thaws. He would have to play the Jekyl and Hyde game all by himself.
     
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  2. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Ha ha ha! That is a wonderful suggestion, @yellowmango!

    @SinghManisha This. Your response. That is the goal. I am nowhere near it. Have just started working on myself, to be that strong.

    Having a down and mopey and sorry for myself day. Precipitated by frustration at not being able to get some simple things done.. going for threading, going for a checkup or some labs...everything has to be suited to his/their schedule and priorities...asked, intimated etc.. its maddening.
    I guess this is just a vent/share - I know I shouldn't ask and just go do it myself. Between LO and restrictions I am reduced to total dependency, try as I might.

    I ended up going for the social engagement - where H acted normal with me - but I happily left the trio to themselves while LO played with other kids and I hovered around her having fun and meeting a few people (even if only for a few minutes..)
    It was refreshing.
     
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  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    And then today, out of the blue, he got super angry and swallowed his anger and has been barely civil with me all day...why?


    Reduce the amount of time you think about your husband and his motives or actions or anything about him.
    Focus that time on something else. I practice myself and I feel happy.
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Gold IL'ite

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    @MindVoice you need to first work on your self esteem and self confidence. You are giving too much power to your husband. Your situation will not improve unless you pull yourself out of this with great force. Think at worst case what would happen and then take actions accordingly. Please don't waste time in analyzing your husband or his behavior. Basically it is of no use. Do you have work permit ? If you continue this lifestyle probably you will live like this for next 30 years or till your husband becomes really old when he becomes dependent on you. You act now . There are numerous suggestions provided here . Get out of this rut sooner
     
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  5. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Can you not bring in your parents to US for 6 months ? Parents support can help you in various ways. This can also stop his parents visit for the same year and you get to be in peace with what you want to do. While your parents can care your kid, you can look out for options to engage yourself either for volunteering or making new connections. Well, at some instance I feel he is just using you more like an unpaid maid to take care of the chores and to baby sit. In one of your post, you have mentioned "how can I live in his money without doing the bare minimum cooking/dishes". Well, that is not his money..start thinking it to be a "our money". You need to make your voice heard but before that you need to understand that wife is not someone who needs instructions from husband/in-laws but who share his life and you have all rights to access his account and take decisions jointly. Its high time you make the change. I hope you can sternly let him know that you need your parents to visit you for betterment of everything or just like a casual visit.
     
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  6. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    @mangaii no work permit..

    @Jamelia02 No, they have too many commitments back in India. If I insist, maybe one of them can come, for 10-14 days max. And that would barely be of any use, as they will also be dependent like me on my husband. Had very bad experience having called them here for my childbirth.

    I am back in the old rut. Feeling bad, feeling hurt, feeling scared of H and trying to avoid emotional backlashes. :treadmill:
    It's like there are two people in me : one sensible and one reactionary. The sensible one knows to be assertive, but the reactionary one is so scared and has full control of my emotions and responses.
    I am continually looking at myself from their perspective. I am not able to break this way thinking..
    And I keep feeling hurt by their pooh-poohing and disregard and ..abuse, yes, abuse.
    But if they are trying to get their way, my anxiety and suffering and emotional I-dont-know-what-to-call-it is what is really the hurdle, the problem. If only I could figure out a way to be cool and not care...
    My sense of self respect is in constant conflict with my emotional need for love - atleast acceptance etc. Why on earth do I need these people's acceptance?!!:BangHead: Iknow I know... but my mind...how do I retrain thee!

    Now I am in intense punishment - long holiday with the gang at home, full time...
    It could become a training opportunity...if only I knew what/how to do!
     
  7. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Hugs to you. I have been there! But now I am not there anymore.

    You need to plan a comfortable routine for you. Write it down in your diary. Few rules for your self how to react when they react in certain way. Read this every day. Stick to schedule every day. Slowly it will be part of you.

    Realise when you don't have anything much to do for yourself that is when you fall for their trap. You think and feel for them more!

    Your baby, your books, your IL friends, parents ,other friends, your hobby, fav TV show, gym, kitty parties altogether create a world for you. A world where you feel yourself and stick to it.

    You have been a weak person for few years now. So realise it will take another few months to be back to a strong person. You will fallback in their trap but just make sure you stand up again. You got some beautiful advice from wise ladies in IL. Read it again and feel more confidence. You can do it but only you can!
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2018
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  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you salad.. going through very very low days.. your reply was comforting and encouraging.. holding on..
     
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  9. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    I am confused.
    Thu : We went Black Friday shopping. I've never gone since I got married. I was told, lets go to macy's for thanksgiving. I was confused, macy's? for shopping? and MIL was like no lets just go look around.. And then, when we get in the car, MIL says macys first or walmart first.. So they have been planning shopping.. and planning and deciding after I take LO for her nap. Why can't they just tell me openly???? I feel horribly excluded. All the more when I am supposed to take care of LO in her stroller while they go around buying things not uttering anything to me..I just tag along.. Finally I snapped out of my daze and wandered off browsing stuff while staying in the vicinity. And then dared to throw in a couple of 'home needs' purchases myself, utter cheap ones. Which I had to convince them that it was good and useful. They cudn't hesitate more or do their usual no tactics as the place was overcrowded and others would hear.. (Why didn't realise that earlier, silly me!)

    Fri : They leave me and LO at home, went for shopping. I am not asked, no say. Just told that they were leaving right as the stepped out, and as I stayed upstairs, was told by H to come and lock the door... (there was no need, they had extra keys..). They got ready while LO napped, and me with her. No calls no messages. Then H calls to ask if LO is up. Says be ready and I will pick y'all up and take y'all to the mall - LO can play in play area. Poor LO has been housebound so long I agreed to play area plan, after initially refusing joining them at mall. H continues shopping some things for MIL - some things I was in sore need of, but he tells his mom to go ahead and get.. I decide to walk away again, and as I take stroller he asks why don't you look around too (not so politely, it is more careless in the vernacular) I say its alright. I did look at some stuff but didn't get because it wasn't much of a deal and because by buying now somehow whatever they did becomes nothing-wrong. Moreover I wasn't sure if he would buy me something $$ - even if he was getting his mom $$$.

    Sat : I overhear H telling his mom lets get lunch outside, we have only these 2 days for shopping. I didn't hear the reply, but when regular cooking plans were executed, I assumed they dropped it. And again, they leave me n LO alone..get dressed while she naps and leave..!! They tell me just as they are about to leave. I feel so offended... and angry because its Sat and I was hoping to go out with LO..

    Sun : They do the same thing again.. And H tells me not verbally but by text.. I see them before I see the text - this time with LO awake - and no one even bothers saying that they are going outside - they are all dressed!!! They just walked out and I walked away with LO in the pretext of keeping her from seeing them leave.

    Is this way of not saying anything normal? It doesn't feel normal to me.. I feel they are purposely making me feel insignificant (they don't have to tell me, goes the logic. No they don't, but don't people in a family tell each other?) If I were to do the same all hell would have broken loose.. unfortunately I don't have the means/opportunity for a tit for tat..
    I am so hurt/angry I don't know how to respond to this..
     
  10. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Today is Cyber Monday - you don't have to go out for shopping.

    Same thing can be done from internet....just to annoy, order Macy's online.
    Let it arrive in a week, surprise them....by showing, 'look, I can do the same from home'!

    If you don't want the items, it can be returned! A special trip - just for you to return the items, enjoy. Only few more hours to go.
     
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