Struggling to let go and be peaceful. Please help!

Dear @Jas8085,

Thank you for your words! I almost had tears reading them. I keep beating myself thinking it is wrong of me to think that way (that SIL cannot boss us around), I wish I can drag you along to speak to my SIL. SIL lives in the opinion that everyone else has a responsibility to serve her and make her life easy, but if we bring up the topic that she has a responsibility too, MIL looks at us like we have the coldest hearts in the planet. "SIL is going through a lot, we need to support her" That's her mantra. I don't know for how long she intends to look after her daughter like a 3 y/o. She goes to SIL's place and cooks and cleans when the maid is on leave (maid is on leave only 2 days in a month, which they feel is a lot!). I have never heard of such an arrangement in any household. When MIL returns, she is constantly complaining about how much her legs are aching. Who asked her to go serve the SIL?
Previously, I was at home, and could not make any plans. Now I say I am going to work, and leave during weekends, and he joins me later. Does anybody else have to cook up excuses to spend time with DH? I am not sure. SIL leaves her LO on weekends, and goes out with her DH, and complains that her MIL is angry she is always leaving the kid and gg out. I am sure any MIL would have reacted the same. Funniest is when my MIL tells my DH, "Cant SIL's MIL understand that they need some time together?" :rotfl
MIL sat down to advise me, "More than us, SIL is your sister, her DH is your brother, you have to look after them" I have never felt genuine love from my SIL. She is always very fake, and worst, she eavesdrops on us and complains to MIL. One time, we were all planning to go out, MIL had made up her mind that we all have to take her grandson out, and since DH is most patient with the kid, no outing is planned without DH. DH and I were speaking inside about me going to work on Sunday, SIL heard a few words, and complained to MIL that we had other plans. We still went out, MIL was extra sweet (she wanted us to run behind the grandson), the moment we reached home, she stopped speaking to us. I did not care, I know her antics. My DH could not bear it, and asked her, and she screamed that if we have other plans, we should tell her and not speak between ourselves. DH was super annoyed and left in a rage, for once, he shouted back to stop assuming, and he came for the kid and not for anyone else, and asked her how did she know we had other plans. Till the end, MIL did not admit that SIL told her, but we clearly saw SIL standing outside our door. This is just an example.
I try to ignore her long face+antics+silent treatment, but DH still feels guilty when MIL does not speak to him. She has used this for years to keep him in control.

 

Dear @swt.charu,

Really very nice of you to say this. And I think you have given me some great advice, 'to embrace without questioning'. I am glad that many people have the same 'numb' feeling, and it is not just me being confused. I do try to be kind, like you said, but some times I have to vent it out. My DH has ALWAYS been there for me, but it is his family, and I feel bad making him upset with the thoughts in my head. I do try to ignore, but after months and months of dealing with this, I want to scream when MIL/SIL start their rants on a Sunday morning. Every day, SIL makes sure she texts/call MIL to remind her of what a miserable life she leads. If she is as selfless as she claims to be, would you go around hurting everyone, and expecting them to always worry about you and you only? Even before her DH fell sick, she has kept MIL and DH's attention on her issues only. He would not even speak to me over the phone on some days, cause he would be so tired solving her marital problems on a daily basis. Nowadays SIL does not come to DH, cause she feels we don't understand her plight as much as her mother does (not that I am complaining). My FIL simply shouts when she complains to him, saying 'all of us have problems in life, I have bigger problems'. No point speaking to him as well, he wants to leave the country, but knows SIL wont let MIL go that easily.
It is mostly MIL who cries to me, worrying about her daughter (SIL makes sure MIL is never at peace, by always telling her "My life is gone, why am I alive, I have no peace since marriage"), and when I realized I have no sympathy or feelings for both of them, I felt guilty. How can I not feel bad for SIL who is facing this at a young age.

I agree MIL is not that blind, to not see that SIL does not have responsibility or maturity, but her ego is not letting her accept it, not even to her own son now (after his marriage). Accepting to son=accepting to me, and I don't think she ll ever let that happen. In front of me, she cannot stop singing praises of SIL. One silly example is when SIL's maid cooked something yummy, without giving credit to her, MIL said, "maid does not know new recipes, it is SIL who taught her how to learn cooking from the web" and I can see she is trying to hard to always speak highly of her daughter, but sometimes I don't understand why.

 

Dear Jazmine, thank you for your insight. I agree completely that they are liberal and nice people. And I realise it is truly awful of me to comment on her personal life. I think the bottom line is that I feel that SIL always gets her way, and makes sure attention is her, which annoys me. No matter what decision she takes, or what mistakes she has made, everyone is quick to forget her. Every time I struggle to maintain a friendly relationship with MIL, I feel she walks in and spoils it for me because she wants her Mom all to herself, and focus on her and her Son.
I agree I have got what I wanted in the end. And also realise it is hard for someone who has not gone through something similar to understand my perspective.

 

Hi @soulful, thanks for your words (once again). I hope I have the maturity to stop ranting to my Husband. I try very hard not to spoil his day or create a problem (on top of everything else in his life), but I think I lose control on some days and end up being very bitter to him. I think I do feel jealous sometimes, that I will never have with my MIL, what SIL shares with her. Anything she does or says is okay (maybe because MIL loves the child too much), I don't know. I can always stay in good terms with MIL, provided I am extra nice to SIL and her Son. Maybe I also feel a bit of self-pity that I have to go through this, when friends of my age are having fun and enjoying life with their DH. I hope I grow up to have the maturity to stop blaming everyone else. Sometimes when I hear people speaking about their great in-laws, I also feel I have the same. They are generous, thoughtful and supportive. All, before SIL calls and cries about her miserable life. When this happens, MIL is mostly upset or angry, no matter what DH and I do.