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Striking a balance...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rakhii, Feb 3, 2011.

  1. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    ladies, I dont have a particularly different problem but I am wondering how many are in the same boat as me.

    Been close to 4 years of being married but in many ways we still didnt strike a balance. I mean, DH is a great guy but we both come from different school of thoughts.
    For example, when growing up my parents always packed a little extra lunch so that I eat my full. If a little is left behind, its OK. My DH has been brought up in a way that he should pack very little so that there is no chance of leaving behind anything (going a bit hungry is OK). Now...if I leave even a few tbsp of food behind in my lunch box, all hell breaks loose. Even if 1 gulp of coffee is left behind, I get yelled at. He keeps reminding me of that kid we sponsor in Chennai saying how she doesnt have any food and how can I waste.
    I know wasting food is not good and I do my 100% not to leave behind anything...but sometimes a few tbsp are left behind and that is a sin for him...and then the fight begins. Its like, I feel someone is aways watching my every move.

    Many instances like this happen to us. How do you all strike a balance?
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Rakhii,

    Why does he get to see the left over food in Lunch box, Throw it away before coming home. When you are eating at home, Serve yourself less and go for small helpings, In that case may be you will not leave any food on plate.

    Saving food is good and many people try very hard and eat everythign in thier so as to not waste food. It is a good thought.

    But I too don't mind if some food goes waste instead of forcefully eating it. Just make sure you are extra consious in front of husband.


    If you husband feels strongly about something and if it is reasonable try following it. If it is very disturbing for you, try to talk it out.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2011
  3. Preet82

    Preet82 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Rakhi

    I do not see this as a very big problem.As he is brought up this way,he will not/most probably not change.Same goes with you.Try to serve less food for yourself and if you are still not full,you can help your self with another serving.Let him not see your lunch box.
    Even at my SIL's In-laws are like that,they cook just enough and if someone is extra hungry,they don't get food.Its just they way they have been for all these years,
    Just try and compromise here and there and see the bigger picture.I am sure your hubby has lot of endearing qualities with which you can overlook such small issues.
    Take care.
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    amummy and Preeti, I agree that its not a major problem. To be honest, he was right. The only problem is that, if I pack too less, I am so hungry that I get cranky. If I pack just enough also, sometimes we just cant eat na. I dont feel like being policed even for a gulp of coffee. Sure he has lot of great qualities....I guess, I only should adjust. Will try to be more careful next time.
     
  5. srajitha

    srajitha Silver IL'ite

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    Rakhii , he is just trying to be very very careful in not wasting food. To an extant he is true , there are many people on the streets who are struggling to find those few tbps of food.

    To avoid such issues why don't you don't let him see those left overs.You can throw them off in the bin . Or you can tell him that you have left them to eat later , My sister is just like you , If my mom use to pack her 5 spoons then 2 of which were wasted , my mom use to get annoyed.Mom started to pack just those 3 spoons and rest she use to put some kind of snacks, like biscuits ,kara.. . Try that.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2011
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Rakhi
    This is not a deal breaker but an annoying one if u have to deal with it often ..How do i know..because I was there :)
    Hubby exactly like urs..doesn,t shout but would start off on a lecture . How a tablespoon saved each time can feed millions over time. The fallacy I see in the argument is unless we are people who waste significant amounts of food each time..our not eating that extra spoon and putting in our tummy is not going to feed someone else. I am all for not wasting ..don't get me wrong but I get all riled up when this not wasting just gets applied in one way.
    It would get even worse when my PIL visit. When we cook for more people we cannot always predict how much food to make eg for a gettogether. Invariably there will be left overs. I prefer to eat it once or twice more(re-heat) and then thats it. My PIL will keep it in the fridge for ever. Over time my fridge was filled with leftovers in cups and bowls of all sizes and practically no fresh food. MIL just cant throw anything out. Times when I was breast feeding or pregnant I did not want to eat left overs constantly. Kids grew up a bit and it became worse. We can never predict exact amounts to make and I hate feeding leftovers to kids.Then it reached a point where I said enough i enough.
    Now to ur question how did I solve ..
    1) Ofcourse I did not have any lunch box issues since I take care of his and mine .,.he never knew anyway. U can take over that chore from him or trash it at work place before u come home.
    2) I told him during my pregnancy that I am not eating leftovers. Period. I cooked reasonably with care and tried not to waste but since cooking was primarily my dept..he never knew anyway.
    3) When my inlaws came and this point was constantly brought up. How I dont measure exact amounts or how I dont cut vegetables carefully or how I wash dishe with more water than necessary :bonk. I tried to keep quiet at that moment. But see our hubby dears and PIL waste in multitude of ways. We just don't notice it /too nice to say it.
    For eg my DH drove suv -gas guzzler and PIL loved to go sightseeing in it over weekend..Perfect chance for me..each time they would get ready I would pull on a sincere face and tell "Darling..see how much gas this consumes. How much we can save mother natures precious reserves if we cut back a little and either take my small sedan or public transport." Another one of my favourites..my PIL loved to make snacks(the rich types). I would say "amma so many kids cant even eat once a day ..may be if we all cut back on these luxuries the food prices will come down and they can afford atleast one meal a day. I learnt their ways and beat them in their own game. I know its cruel but there was no choice. I really got tired of the preaching and holier than thou attitude. Now after a decade neither my husband nor my PIL offer opinions .Over time they realised that we all have our faults and certain things are better left unsaid .
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Rakhii,

    Anuradha Koirala selected as CNN hero and very inspring.Check the things which are inspring to you on bad days and you forget everything.Beleive me.
    Have fun!!!!!
    This exactly true .I too have small small trifts in the house from time to time.But I try not to carry over .If I get chance ,I will give him back his own medicine that's it.
    My husband railed up on me to add more spices in the food for many years even though I can't efford to eat spicy food.But one fine day he become spiec less recently and I told him god will take care of me.

    I think,he started getting some stomuch issues.

    Rakhii,

    actually I missed this point
    If you both are doing this,then I won't mind of my husband looses his mind once in a while but anyway he can explain you are trying to imporve when he cooled off.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2011
  8. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    Why not heat up the leftovers for later use? My husband hates stuff being wasted too - he's much more frugal...and like you, I too get cranky when hungry. So I always pack up extra, if possible in two small boxes, instead of one normal sized one. The unfinished one, I either finish up at dinner, or if the second box is intact, I mix it up with whatever's cooking...you get a unique taste and the frugal wife tag!
    I like rajitha's idea too - used to do something like that until I had to give up due to my battle with bulge. Fruits or yoghurt was another favorite....though I never seemed to find it all that filling at lunch, and so I stick to my microwave!
     
  9. DNM

    DNM Silver IL'ite

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    Everyone has already given great points. Not wasting food is a virtue so working towards it will not cost you anything. It may help reduce arguments abt that atleast. Don't show the wasted food to DH even if you do.

    Two people that are married need not be alike. It is not about you both agreeing on everything. It is about both of your understanding, respecting and tolerating the other's viewpoint, attitude and behavior to a great extent.

    Have you told your DH that you admire his passion about not wasting food, about helping society? Tell him that you want to learn to be less wasteful, that you are trying and that he needs to be more patient with your efforts.

    Meet him halfway, dearie. Maybe that will inspire, challenge and coax him into meeting you at the halfway point as well.

    How wonderful that you both are sponsoring a child in India. Not very many people do that in the selfish world of today. Kudos to you guys.
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear ladies ,
    I have no problem with frugality per se..its only the double standards that irks me.
    I will leave with the exact incident which put an end to this preaching from MIL.
    My PIL love functions for every little thing ..they have a large family and for each function we were looking at atleast 75 to 100 . Now that translated to lots of food waste ..I have seen it in most indian weddings..or functions..so much food on the leaves and poor kids literally eating off them :( DH knew it made me very sad but I wouldn't say anything because it was his parents and they had a right to enjoy their way.
    BUT ..when it was my sons first birthday and they wanted to celebrate the same grand way calling more than 100 people..i told clearly " So much food waste . We are feeding the already over-fed.What purpose does it serve?. I want to donate the money to an orphanage."
    My PIl were visibly upset because all of them were literally cornered with their own words.
    That was the last time they ever made any comment about food wastage.
     

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