Stressed Out!!

northindian · Dec 16, 2011

Chandy,

Definately can cook Andhra food, but I've stopped that because I don't want to be "competing" with my MIL, kind of want to define my own cooking techniques. I'm afraid he'll start comparing my food with his mum's and I'll start hearing comments about how his mum makes the certain dish which after a certain point will bother me. So I'd rather make good food, but the way I normally do. I still do a few dishes here and there, like rasam which I learnt from my MIL, but still, don't want to compete or be compared

All this does seem like small things adding up, but both sons are worried about the situation at home and I'd hate to not help in making situations better.

RJMK · Dec 16, 2011

Hi,
First of all you need to chill out a bit.
Now dont go to any extra length to please your in-laws by learning Telugu or cooking Telugu meals and all that.You will be raising their expectations.You just need to show your love and care to them.See they are crying and complaining because they are totally frustarted.They cant blame their son so they blame you and since they dont have any reasons to do so,they are building reasons like this.So as of now just ignore.Be the way you were with them before marriage.
They will settle down with time.Moving out was your DH's idea so you are safe there.

Mine was a similar case.My H came to Bangalore since I was not getting a job in his city.He had already bought an apartment with his brother there thinking that all will stay together.But due to my job,he came here.Now its been 3 years and since he likes it we have been postponding the plan to move back.
My MIL used to nag a lot and create scenes.FIL(bloody b****d),used to ask me to quit my job and all.They said I have not adjusted and dont know anything etc etc .THOUGH WE HAVE THE SAME CULTURE TO BE MORE PRECISE.

SO dont bother about any thing.Keep quite,ignore and have fun with your partner.You have waited 9 years to be with him.Dont spoil that and stress out because of all this issue.Just ask her once in a while about Telugu culture and all and make it a point to stay with her when there is a festival.That should be fine.If she says learn Telugu then smile,sit next to her and tell her lovingly that MA I am trying but see my schedule.Come on you have known them also for 9 years so it should be easy for you.Best of luck dear.

monita · Dec 16, 2011

NorthIndian,
I see you crumbling under pressure. Yes, there is too much pressure and I don't understand why. Why is it such a big deal that you must learn Telugu. Why can't you communicate with ILs in English? If your MiL has so much problem speaking English, why did she ever come to US? It is utterly ridiculous on their part to expect you to learn their language. I am sure you would have willingly done that in your own time, if there wasn't so much pressure.
I think you are giving way too much importance to your ILs. You are working 3 jobs. you are newly wed. You need to spend time with your DH. I can't understand why your ILs can't be happy being a couple themselves. If they are missing their own language/culture so much, they should go back to India, to their native place.

Priya16 · Dec 16, 2011

I got to tell you this.

I known one couple like your FIL/MIL age and they came to USA when the kids are in colleges and they settles here kids are married and have grand kids.

The couple had there own parents back in india and typically they don't want to go back and take care of them and they worry much about there kids and the kids should stay with them.

So the same rule doesn't apply to them but it applies to kids and the kids should stay with them and shouldn't move back.The couple moved from country to country by leaving old parents in India but if the kids do same things it's very disrespect and wrong doing.

oshh.....We shouldn't judge older couple............Any way girl,frank with your husband too.Don't raise his expectations either.It may take 2-3 year to settle all this drama.But you be confident in what you are doing.Don't bend your bows.They will try there maximum to bend you and mend there ways.

I am a Telugu person but still I am unable to teach my kids Telugu.Simply the environment doesn't exist in USA and they didn't have any necessity to speak the language.Same thing with festivals.

Saumyamom · Dec 17, 2011

You seem to be a very nice person (and very patient too , Had i been in your place I would have given my piece of mind to everybody including my H ,So all the Telugu drama would have stopped in 10 days)..Please don't give more than you can sustain over long term ,You might get exhausted and give up everything .What are they more interested in ,communicate with you or communicate to somebody in Telugu?YOu can let your H know that although you will try to learn the language for the sake of peace ,but not under so much pressure and tantrums from these grown ups and let him handle his parents.you are doing your part by giving your best to learn the language..